


Phineas and Ferb: Take Two!

by AnimationNut



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Accidents, Alternate Universe - Actors, Animal Abuse?, Because they're actors portraying different versions of themselves for the show, Behind the Scenes, Don't copy to another site, Episodes done out of order, Gen, Humor, It's all in good fun, Jokes are played on Perry and it could be considered animal abuse, Minor Injuries, Mishaps, Out of Character, Outtakes, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Rivalry, Work Contains Quotes From Show, bloopers, but there's nothing serious about it or this fic whatsoever, originally written in 2012
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:20:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 74
Words: 99,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24443488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnimationNut/pseuds/AnimationNut
Summary: Ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes of Phineas and Ferb? Well, now you can find out. And believe me, some weird and crazy stuff goes on with that crew.
Comments: 273
Kudos: 102





	1. Hail Doofania Bloopers

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Phineas and Ferb.
> 
> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Heinz scowled down at the picture of his brother displayed on the front of the daily newspaper. "Look at this, Norm. My brother Roger has been elected mayor! Look at him. He's honest and reputable and— _ow! Paper cut! It stings, it stings!_ "

The director rubbed his brow in irritation. "You weren't supposed to tear the newspaper up, Heinz!"

Heinz sucked on his bleeding finger. "Well, _excuse_ me for expressing my creativity as an actor!"

"You are such a drama queen," Norm piped up from his spot behind Heinz's desk.

"Shut up, you giant trash can!”

...

_Take One_

Isabella skipped into the Flynn-Fletcher kitchen, where Phineas and Ferb were gathered at the table. "Hey, Phineas. Whatcha eatin'?"

" _Footy Rwaigo Fwakes_ ," Phineas slurred, trying to talk around a mouthful of cereal. " _'Oo ‘ant ‘ome_?"

Ferb rolled his eyes. "How charming."

“Phineas, swallow before you speak,” said the director with a sigh. “And don’t take big spoonfuls.”

“But I’m hungry!”

_Take Two_

"Whatcha eatin'?"

Phineas quickly swallowed his cereal. In his haste, it went down the wrong tube, and Phineas started to choke. Ferb quickly dropped his spoon and gave the redhead the Heimlich Maneuver.

Isabella winced as a glob of mushy rainbow cereal splattered on the floor. "Ew...gross."

"I'm okay!" Phineas wheezed. "I totally got this."

"Are you sure you don't want to take a break?" the director asked.

"I'm fine! Let's do this!"

Isabella sent a glance at Ferb. “I didn’t know you could do the Heimlich Maneuver.”

Ferb shrugged. “Neither did I.”

_Take Three_

"Whatcha eatin'?" Isabella asked as she entered the kitchen. Her foot slipped and she tumbled beside Phineas' chair. “Whoops.”

“Okay, come on, I’m starting to get full,” said Ferb.

“I’m not,” said Phineas, shoving another spoonful in his mouth.

...

Heinz and Perry were fighting along the edge of the rooftop set, which towered several feet above the ground. Heinz waved his umbrella and went for the lunge. But he tripped and toppled over the edge, smacking hard into the floor below.

"Heinz, Perry was supposed to be the one who falls!" snapped the director.

" _Oh, you think that was_ deliberate?"

...

Vanessa looked down at herself in disgust. "I look like a walking candy cane. I mean, how many—" She shivered violently, unable to fight back the chills. "Okay, seriously, either get me a jacket or turn down the AC. I'm freezing."

The director sighed. "Somebody turn down the air-conditioning!"

...

"Whatcha doin'?" Norm asked.

Doofenshmirtz arched an eyebrow. "What does it look like to you? I'm building an evil empirrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeee!"

Heinz screamed as he slipped off the steel beam and hit the ground. "Ouch...I think I broke a rib."

"We can't cover _all_ of your accident insurance, Heinz!" the director warned.

...

"I just don't want anyone to see me in these clothes," Candace complained as she got out of the car to hold the door for her mother.

Linda rolled her eyes. "You think you feel ridiculous? I'm carrying a jackalope— _oof!"_

Candace giggled as Linda struggled to fit the lawnmower through the door. "Uh...you might wanna try holding it the other way."

Linda turned the lawnmower around and tried again. She glanced at Candace, who couldn’t stop laughing. “Oh, shush.”

...

_Take One_

"Mom, I'm at the docks. You gotta get down here right away," Vanessa exclaimed into her cell phone.

"Cut! Sorry, Vanessa. Could you try that line again with a bit more enthusiasm?"

"Yeah, I'll try."

_Take Two_

"Mom! I'm at the docks!" Vanessa cried, jumping up and down. "You gotta get down here right—"

She let out a yelp as her foot slipped on the wet wooden surface. "Ouch...too enthusiastic?"

"Too enthusiastic," the director agreed.

...

_Take One_

Jeremy walked up to Candace. "Whoa. Candace, are you going Goth now?"

Candace gaped. "Uh, uh, I'm not wearing this. I mean, I'm wearing it in that I'm wearing it right now and that I am attached to it in a very physical way and I am totally screwing up my lines right now and I need to start over."

_Take Two_

"Uh, uh, I'm not wearing this. I mean, I'm wearing it in that it's actually on my body right now, but I'm not attached to it. Not to say that I'm attached to my other clothes. I mean, I can actually take them off."

Candace paused and stared into space. Jeremy grinned. "No clue what to say next?"

"Not a single clue," Candace muttered. "Seriously, why do I get the long rants?"

"Hey, try memorizing my script once in a while!" Heinz hollered from off set. "It's like, two pages of backstory!"

Candace grinned sheepishly. "Good point. I got it easy."

_Take Three_

"Uh, uh, I'm not wearing this. I mean, I'm wearing it in that it's actually on my body right now, but I'm not attached to it. Not to say that I'm attached to my other clothes. I mean, I can actually take them off. No, no, no. But...I mean...uh... _hey Heinz! Wanna fill in for me?_ "

_Take Thirty-five_

"Uh, uh, I'm not wearing this. I mean, I'm wearing it in that it's actually on my body right now, but I'm not attached to it. Not to say that I'm attached to my other clothes. I mean, I can actually take them off. No, no, no. But, I mean—I didn't want to put these—I—I want to put clothes on, but I—it was a mix-up. Okay? The dry cleaners and a—a jackalope lawn mower, and—do you like it?"

Jeremy waited a beat before raising his hand for a high-five. “Yeah, you got it!”

Candace smacked her palm against his waiting one. " _Victory!_ "

...

"I do see. What a cute little city. Oh, and it's soft." Charlene squeezed the plush model too hard and it popped. The two blinked as the felt littered the wooden docks.

"Uh..." Heinz drawled. "How did you manage to do that?"

"I have no idea."

" _Hey!_ " Carl cried, storming on set. "Do you know how long it took me to make that thing?"

Charlene flushed. "Sorry, Carl."

Heinz was baffled. “Why did you make it? We have prop people.”

The director shrugged. “Carl is pretty skilled when it comes to working with felt.”

...

"Mow, mow, mow, and my heart starts pumpin'. Chicka-chicka-choo-wa, never gonna stop. Gitchee-gitchee-goo— _Carl!_ You missed your cue!" Francis snapped.

"Well, _excuse_ me! The director wants the Doofenshmirtz scene finished by next week, and I gotta make a whole new plush model!" Carl snapped.

"Geez, touchy," Francis muttered.

...

Phineas glanced down at Perry. "Perry, I almost forgot. It's the end of the day. You don't need to wear that thing anymore." He grabbed hold of the collar and tugged. "It's—it’s not coming off."

Ferb grabbed the collar as well and started pulling. Isabella frowned and helped, but the collar would not budge. "Okay, who put super glue on Perry's satellite dish?" demanded Isabella.

Heinz cackled from off set and Perry chattered angrily.

The director threw his hands in the air. “Great. No one mention this or else PETA is going to come after us.”


	2. It's About Time! Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Perry waved his arms in the air, trying to get Francis' attention. The man continued to stare blankly at him. Carl moved into view, a sheepish grin on his face. "Uh, Agent P? It's me, Carl. The intern. We got a bit of a situation here. Major Monogram has been frozen like this pretty much all day. Solid as a rock—oops!"

" _Carl!"_

Perry muffled a chuckle as Francis fell to the floor. Carl winced and hastily helped Francis up. "Sorry! I guess I don't know my own strength."

The director grinned. "That was great! Do it again, but this time intentionally make Francis fall over."

" _What?"_ Francis cried.

...

"Hey guys. Whatcha doin'?" Isabella asked cheerily as she walked up to Phineas and Ferb.

Phineas glanced up from his tools. "We're fixing this time machine."

"Oh, cool. Are you planning to go back to the future?"

Phineas and Ferb stared blankly at her. Isabella flushed. "That was a lame attempt at a joke, wasn't it?"

"Just a bit," the director answered. "But good try."

...

Perry stormed over to the closet and yanked the door open. A startled chatter escaped him as a pile of boxes toppled out and struck him on the head. Heinz frowned. "Er...was that supposed to happen?"

The platypus glared at him, a bump rapidly forming on his scalp. Heinz peered into the closet. "Hey, where's Peter the Panda?"

The small panda walked on set with a cup of coffee in his paw. He stared at his two co-actors and then at the clock on the wall.

Heinz crossed his arms and glowered. "Yes, you missed your cue. But it doesn't matter. Perry the Platypus would have been taken out by the boxes anyway."

The director groaned. "Heinz, if you’re going to keep your junk on the set, at least clean it out once in a while.”

"Oh sure! Let's blame everything on Heinz!"

...

_Take One_

"Feels like by the time my shift is over, I'll be a part of the fossil exhibit," Jeremy joked.

Candace giggled. "Part of the fossil exhibit, that's a good one! Oops, gotta go." Candace avoided the security guard and hurried to find her mother. " _Mom!_ "

The special effects crew sent off a bright light. The redhead quickly ducked back to stand in front of Jeremy once more at the Slushy Dawg set. "Part of the fossil exhibit, that's a good one!"

Jeremy blinked. "Yeah, um, where did you run off to?"

Candace shrugged. "I have no idea."

The director scowled. "Candace!"

"Hey, you're the one who wants this scene shot in one sequence!" Candace snapped. "You try running all the way back here while being blinded by a flash of light!"

"Okay, okay! Just try again."

_Take Two_

"Yeah, um, where did you run off to?"

Candace frowned. "What do you mean? I didn't go anywhere."

"Right," Jeremy said slowly. "So, can I get you anything?"

Candace burst randomly into laughter. "Part of the fossil exhibit, that's a good one!" There was a brief pause before she suddenly started laughing again, even harder than before.

Jeremy arched an eyebrow as Candace sunk to the floor, howling with laughter and clutching her stomach. "Okay, what's up?"

"I...just...got the...joke," she wheezed.

The director pressed two fingers to his forehead. "Oh, geez."

_Take Three_

"So, can I get you anything?" Jeremy asked.

"Part of the fossil exhibit, that's a good one!" Candace giggled.

"Yeah, I know. You've said that three times already." Jeremy tried to keep a straight face, but it broke when Candace slapped him in the arm.

"Jeremy!" the director snapped.

"Sorry, sorry." Jeremy held up his hands in surrender. "I'll be serious next time."

_Take Four_

"Part of the fossil exhibit, that's a good one!" Candace giggled. She abruptly stopped laughing and smiled at the blonde boy. "Hi, Jeremy."

Jeremy blinked. "Candace, you're really kind of freaking me out."

There was a brief pause before Candace grinned and high-fived her co-actor. " _Yes! We got it!_ "

...

Heinz shuffled awkwardly as Peter and Perry both stared at him. "Sorry, Perry the Platypus, I didn't want you to find out this way. Okay, here it is. Peter the Panda is my new nemesis. We met at an evil genius expo in Seattle, and, well, me and Peter, we instantly disliked each other. And then he foiled a little evil scheme of mine. And I didn't plan it that way, it just happened. Peter the Panda, be a dear and go get us a—"

He paused when he realized he had turned to speak to Perry the Platypus and not Peter the Panda. "Okay, I could have sworn Peter was standing where Perry is now."

_Take Two_

"I'd offer you one, Perry the Platypus, but I—I'm not talking to Perry the Platypus," Heinz drawled as he stared at Peter the Panda. "Okay, you two need to stop switching places when I'm ranting. I'm not a Dummkopf, you know."

_Take Three_

"I'd offer you one, Perry the Platypus, but I—I think it's better if we just have a clean break. So, where was I?"

There was an awkward silence as Heinz stared into space, brow furrowed in concentration. Perry and Peter exchanged exasperated glances.

"Come on, Heinz!" the director called.

"Hey, you try memorizing this speech!" Heinz snapped. "Okay, let me see my script— _hey!_ Who wrote 'Heinz is a Dummkopf'?"

Phineas and Ferb, who were standing off set, exchanged a high-five.

...

_Take One_

Candace rushed towards her mother. "Mom! Phineas and Ferb are in the Gadgets Through the Ages Exhibit, and they're doing something to this chair thing, and Ferb is using this hose thing that makes sparks, and he's wearing this mask that goes like this!" She waved her hand in the air and accidentally slapped herself in the face.

Linda burst into laughter. "Very smooth, honey."

"Thanks. I try,” grumbled Candace. “At least I got my dialogue right!"

“Here’s hoping you can do it again,” said the director.

_Take Two_

Candace pushed her mother frantically in an attempt to get her to move. "And you have to come with me right now! Please, please, please, please, please-" She tripped over her own feet and hit the ground. "Okay, this is not my day."

...

"Take me home, take me home, take me home, take me home, take me home, take me home!" Candace cried, gripping the safety bar of the time machine.

Phineas smiled. "Sure, Candace. No problem."

The teenager knew what was coming next, and as the dinosaur foot descended over her, she chickened out and leapt out of the machine. "I can't do it!"

The director sighed. "Candace, I promise that the mechanical dinosaur foot will not step on you."

"Can we please finish this?" Ferb asked. "I'm _starving._ "

...

"Look, I'm telling you, it's the most peculiar thing I've ever seen. It looks just like Candace," Lawrence insisted, bringing his wife over to the giant fossil.

Linda bent over to examine what her husband was talking about. "Hmm. You're right."

" _Hey!_ " Candace cried.

...

Candace panted as she ran with the giant dinosaur in pursuit. There was a sudden metallic screeching noise and Candace glanced behind her. The mechanical T-Rex had stopped and smoke was currently billowing out of its nostrils. "Uh..."

" _Cut!_ " the director bellowed. "What happened? It was working fine before!"

Phineas and Ferb went to examine it. Phineas turned to Heinz in exasperation. "You tried to modify it, didn't you?"

Heinz gasped. "No! Why would you even—yeah, okay."

" _Heinz!_ "

...

"What does it matter? We're all doomed anyway. I mean, where are we supposed to find electricity in _Dinosaur Land_?" Candace cried.

The special effects crew simulated lightning, and the time machine powered up. There was brief flash of purple light and they appeared back in the museum. The light had been focussed solely on Candace, and the girl dropped to the ground as black dots danced in her vision.

"Are you okay?" Phineas asked.

Candace nodded with a whimper. "Okay, I'm putting a request in for a stunt double."

"Whoa!" Heinz cried, storming on set. "Whoa! If she gets to request a stunt double, then I should be able to _demand_ one! Seriously, are you the one getting pummeled by a platypus on a daily basis?"

"Fine," she muttered. "Heinz gets one first, then me, and then we both get a pay raise."

"I can agree to that."

"I don't," the director muttered.


	3. Ferb Latin Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Phineas leaned against the tree in the Flynn-Fletcher backyard set and waved to his father. "Goodbye Dad! Have fun buying from auctions and private sales, performing minor refurbishments to the purchased items, marking up the prices and selling them to your customers!"

The director was impressed. "Wow, Phineas! You got that on your first try."

Ferb rolled his eyes. "Of course he did. He wrote his line on the back of his hand in very small printing."

Phineas scowled. "Shut _up,_ Ferb!"

...

"Good morning, Agent P,” greeted Francis. “There has been no delectable—"

Perry snorted and covered his bill. The man paused and sighed. "I said delectable, didn't I?"

" _Someone_ thinks highly of himself."

"Knock it off, Carl!"

...

"Look what Phineas and Ferb are doing!" Candace cried, pointing outside.

Linda peered through the glass and shook her head. "Candace, they're just writing on a whiteboard."

"Yes, but then they'll start—" Candace stopped when Linda started to giggle. "What? Is there something on my face?" She turned to look at her reflection in the glass and caught Phineas and Ferb holding up the whiteboard. In black marker, Phineas and Ferb had drawn a crude cartoon of her with a mustache. "Very funny."

...

_Take One_

"Hi guys," Isabella said as she entered the Flynn-Fletcher backyard.

"Whatcha doin'?" Buford and Baljeet chorused before Isabella could.

Isabella scowled as Phineas and Ferb dissolved into laughter. "Okay, you guys are asking for it!"

_Take Three_

"Ferb Latin! Well, you take the first letter of every word, move it to the end, and then you say erb! So Ferb becomes Erb-ferb, and Latin becomes Atin-lerb! One and two letter words stay the same, like or stays or. All the fun of Pig Latin and it's safe for vegetarians to use!" Phineas explained.

There was a beat of silence. Buford arched an eyebrow. "It's your line, Isabella."

The girl flushed. "I know! Okay, hold on...'you take the first letter of every word, move it to the end, then say erb.' Wonderful...onderful...got it! Oh, Phineas, I think your new language is Onderful-werb!"

Buford applauded. "Give the girl her prize!"

"Shut up!"

_Take Four_

"When you say goodbye, you blow a raspberry!" Phineas demonstrated and blew a raspberry. Baljeet moaned in disgust and Phineas broke into laughter.

The director sighed. "What happened?"

"I...I..." Phineas tried to explain, but he was laughing too hard to speak clearly.

Baljeet wiped his cheek. "He spit on me," he said flatly.

_Take Five_

"Let's all do it!" Phineas suggested, and everyone started blowing raspberries. Baljeet gave an exaggerated one and globs of spit hit Phineas.

"Gross!" Isabella squealed.

Phineas and Baljeet giggled hysterically. The director rubbed his forehead. "Okay, someone bring these two a towel. Come on guys, be serious for a second."

Buford grinned. "You're asking a bunch of kids to blow raspberries. How is any of that serious?"

...

"So, I've been doing a lot of research in the past couple of hours and I have discovered that most people will believe anything they read! And I know it's true, because I read it online somewhere. So, my new weapon to take over the Tri-State Area is," Doofenshmirtz said dramatically, arms thrown to the side.

Perry and Norm glanced at each other as the pause grew longer.

"Propaganda!" Phineas called. "Come on, man. You memorized all that, but not the last word?"

"Shut up and go back to your trailer, kid!"

...

_Take One_

The ice-cream man smiled down at the group of kids. "What will it be?"

"Ocolate-cherb," Phineas said proudly.

"Uh..." Isabella frantically tried to arrange the word in her head. "Straw-erry-erb?"

"Not even close," Baljeet drawled.

_Take Two_

"Awberry-sterb," Isabella requested calmly.

Buford leaned forwards and grabbed her hand. "Cheater! She wrote it on the palm of her hand! For shame!"

"Shut up, Buford!"

...

"Whoa!" Isabella cried, staring at the next scene on her script. "We have to sing in Ferb Latin next?"

"You're lucky, Princess. It's one of those songs that explain what we do," Buford teased.

"Wait, what?"

Buford glanced over at Isabella's script and laughed. "Looks like someone tampered with your script. We're not supposed to sing the entire song in Ferb Latin."

Isabella scowled and stood up. "Okay!" she hollered to her fellow actors. "Which one of you jerks messed with my script?"

Muffled giggles erupted from the other end of the studio. Furious, Isabella got up and started chasing Candace. "You are so dead!"

...

_Take One_

"Oh, Norm, you're back. Nice haircut, by the way. Now where's my change?" Heinz asked as the robot entered the penthouse. Norm opened his mouth and dozens of coins spilled out, gathering by Heinz's feet.

Heinz scowled. "You're a weird robot N—" A giggle escaped him and he slapped a hand over his mouth. "Sorry! Sorry. Won't happen again."

_Take Ten_

Heinz braced himself as the coins rained over him. He tried to deliver his line but all that came out was a stream of hysterical laughter. "I'm sorry! It's just so funny!"

The director sighed. "Okay guys. Take a break. We'll try again later."

...

Candace walked down the street; puzzlement written across her expression as she tried to figure what the locals were saying. The redhead was so intent on listening in to other people's conversations that she forgot to watch where she was going and slammed into the street signpost.

" _Ouch."_

Phineas and Ferb burst into laughter off set. "Dude! You have to keep that in there!"

The director grinned. "I think I will. Good job, Candace."

"No problem," Candace muttered sarcastically. "All right, let me try this again. Geez, the things I do for show business."

...

Candace dragged her mother down the street, frantically trying to get someone to speak to her in Ferb Latin. Just as she was about to desperately ask another person, something wet and stick nailed her in the neck. "Okay...someone tell me what just happened."

Linda peered at the substance coating Candace's long neck. "I think someone just hit you with a balloon filled with honey, sweetie."

"Nice shot, Isabella," Baljeet complimented.

Candace whirled around and glared at the Mexican-Jewish girl.

Isabella smirked. "That's what ya get for messing with my script."


	4. Misperceived Monotreme Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"Hey!" Phineas exclaimed as a platypus that looked identical to Perry appeared on the television screen. "He looks exactly like you, Perry!" The redheaded boy gestured towards the screen, accidentally smacking Perry off of the couch armrest. "Oops! Sorry buddy!"

Perry chattered in irritation and climbed to his feet. Ferb smirked. "Keep this up, and you'll get fired for animal cruelty."

"Ferb's harassing me!" Phineas complained, trying to punch Ferb in the arm. The British boy held him back with a grin.

The director rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and you just assaulted a platypus. I think you deserve some harassment."

"It was an accident!"

...

"Not much," the zookeeper answered. "He likes sandwiches, though." She held out a ham sandwich enticingly in front of the platypus. The zoo animal quickly tried to swallow it whole, including the hand attached to the piece of food. "Ow! Get it off! _Get it off!_ "

...

_Take One_

The director buried his face in his hands. "I should have listened to Hollywood. Never work with kids and animals."

"We're getting there!" Phineas protested. He wiggled a piece of ham in front of the zoo animal. "Come on, go to the truck. Get into the truck!"

"You're doing a wonderful job," Ferb drawled. "By this rate we should finish by next year."

Phineas scowled. "Well, we put a sandwich in the truck, but he won't follow the smell towards it!"

"The scent isn't strong enough," Ferb explained.

"What sandwich has a smell powerful enough to—?"

The redhead froze and slowly turned towards Ferb. The British boy seemed to have the same idea as him. "We'll be right back!"

The two actors charged for the lunch room. Ferb stood guard as Phineas rummaged through the fridge. He pulled out a paper bag with the label ‘ _Heinz Doofenshmirtz’_. He opened it up and immediately thrust it away from his large nose, gagging. "An onion and sardine sandwich. That'll do the trick. I'm sure Heinz won't mind if we borrow his lunch."

_Take Two_

The director watched in amazement as the zoo platypus jumped up as soon as the scent hit him and raced for the truck. "Wow! How did you guys do that?"

Phineas grinned. "It was nothing."

"And Heinz will have to do without lunch today," Ferb muttered, causing Phineas to snicker and high-five him.

...

"Ew, gross," Candace complained as she noticed Perry lounging on the couch. "Okay, hit the road, get out of here, you little meat brick. Uh...Perry...?" Candace lowered her pink cell phone and cautiously poked the teal platypus. "He's sleeping...you know, that sounds like a good idea. I'm taking ten. _Cut!_ "

"Whoa!" the director cried. "Does my job hold no meaning anymore?"

Candace ignored him and stalked off to her trailer to catch a few winks. The director threw his hands in the air. "Apparently not."

...

"Ferb, I've been thinking," Phineas began as he stared at the blue sky, hands crossed behind his head. "Since there's nothing more fun than fun, why don't we—"

Phineas froze as something wet and warm landed just above his right eye. Ferb stared in shock for a moment before covering his mouth, trying to muffle his laughter.

Phineas slowly sat up, gingerly wiping the substance off of him. "A bird just pooped on me..."

" _Ha!_ " Heinz cried, storming on set and grinning gleefully. "That's karma for stealing my lunch, you hooligan!"

"All right, after I take ten showers, I'm going to find the person who blabbed and plot my revenge."

...

"I'm worried too, sir," Carl admitted as he tampered with the wires in Agent P's electronic chair. "So I thought I'd make myself useful and—!"

The chair suddenly started smoking; black clouds filling up the lair. The chair shook violently before shooting upwards and crashing through the ceiling. Carl lay sprawled on the floor, knocked back from the chair's takeoff.

Francis arched an eyebrow. "Looks like you won't be getting much of a paycheck this week."

...

"Carl, what is in that sandwich?" Francis demanded.

"Er..." Carl glanced around nervously. "It's...uh..."

" _My_ sandwich," a German voice growled. Heinz came on set, hands on his hips as he glowered at the young actor.

Carl grinned sheepishly. "I forgot to bring a sandwich, and I found yours in the fridge, so I—"

"Oh sure, let Heinz starve!" Heinz ranted. "We'll just grab his food and not care what he thinks!" Grumbling to himself, the man left.

Carl winced. "I was totally going to buy you lunch!"

"With what money?" Francis asked in amusement.

"Shut up!"

...

Candace grunted as she struggled to dunk Perry in the metal tub of water. "What's…wrong…with…you?" She put a little too much force in her next shove and Perry lost his grip and was submerged in the lukewarm water. Candace hastily pulled him out. "Sorry!"

"Animal cruelty!" Phineas hollered.

"That's not funny, Phineas," Candace snapped.

Jeremy shook his head. "For shame, Phineas."

The redhead threw out his hands in exasperation. "Unbelievable!"

...

"Behold!" Heinz exclaimed. "The Least-Likely-Inator! All I have to do is— _oof!_ " He tripped over the green cord sticking out of his contraption and crashed to the ground. "Okay, who put that there?"

...

"The cookie hall is doing well, but I had to double the batch," Isabella said cheerfully as she mixed the dough in a ceramic bowl. She paused as an odd smell tickled her nostrils. Confused, she turned around and shrieked. Smoke was billowing out of the oven, flames licking the sides. " _Mayday! Mayday! Save the cookies!_ "

Buford barged onto the set and scooped Isabella up. "It's too late for them!"

...

_Take One_

"Hey!" Heinz exclaimed. "That's my sandwich display case. What are you—?"

The metal display tipped over and landed on top of the evil scientist. There was a crunching sound and everyone froze. Heinz's eyes tripled in size and he let out a scream of agony.

The director winced. "Yikes...I think he really _did_ break a rib this time."

_Take Three_

"I don't want to do it," Heinz said flatly.

The director groaned. "Come on, all you have to do is slam into a brick wall."

"I have a broken rib, remember?"

"Just...try to be careful."

"Try to be careful while intentionally throwing myself against a brick wall," Heinz drawled. "Yeah, uh-huh. I want a stunt double."

"Do you want to get paid or not?" the director demanded.

Grumbling, Heinz got into position.

" _Action!_ "

Heinz raced after the zoo platypus. "I got you n—"

The brick wall popped up and the doctor slammed right into it. The director pressed a hand to his forehead as Heinz shrunk to the floor, blood coating his face. "And that was his nose."

...

Candace slouched back in the green armchair, a frown on her face. "You know, my script didn't cover this scene," she pointed out.

The director tried to keep from grinning. "I'll be sure to berate our writing team. Just improvise for now and we'll see what we can use."

Candace sighed and waited for something to happen. Her brow scrunched in confusion as something warm and soft tickled her back. Puzzled, she turned around and screamed loudly as yellow fur suddenly erupted over the chair. " _What is this?_ "

Everyone burst into laughter. Candace scowled and stormed off set. "You jerks!"

...

Isabella walked through the hall of mirrors, right behind Buford. She suddenly let out a shrill shriek, causing Buford to halt and whirl around to see what the matter was. "What's your problem?"

The Mexican-Jewish girl pressed a hand against her heart. "Sorry, sorry. I saw your reflection in the mirror and wasn't prepared."

Baljeet burst into giggles and Buford scowled. "You're asking for it, Princess."

...

_Take One_

Candace slid around the red and yellow vortex slide and got halfway through the exit. She blinked and pushed herself up, and then tried wiggling to get herself loose. After a moment she sighed and shook her head. “I'm stuck."

_Take Two_

Phineas and the gang waited for Candace to fall down to their level. She eventually fell through the hole above them and landed—in the splits position.

Buford groaned. "Okay, that looks painful."

Candace's left eye twitched, her legs stretched out on either side of her. "I...can't...move."

_Take Four_

Candace ran into the cookie hall and seized a cookie. She stuffed it into her mouth and chewed rapidly. A spicy and foul taste hit her taste buds and she started gagging, crouching on the floor and holding her throat.

Baljeet turned to Buford as others ran to assist her. "What did you spike the cookies with?"

Buford grinned slyly. "Hot sauce."

Baljeet shook his head. "And here I thought work was the safest place I could be."

“You never once thought that.”

“No, you are right, I did not.”


	5. Isabella and the Temple of Sap Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

The alarm clock shrilled and Isabella rolled out of bed, a mass of raven hair covering her face. She blindly reached out and shut her clock off before heading for the mirror. Her toe stubbed against the wooden bedpost and she cried out in pain.

" _Ouch!_ Ow! Okay, do I really have to do this scene like this?" Isabella complained, shoving her hair away from her face.

"If you ask me, it makes you look more attractive!" Buford hollered. "You know, because it's covering your face!"

"I got it, jerk!" Isabella snapped in irritation. "If I get hurt one more time, I'm going to pull a diva move and then you'll _all_ regret it."

...

_Take One_

"Sustainable," Gretchen said proudly.

Milly blinked. "Uh...that's not the word you're supposed to say."

"I know."

_Take Two_

"Succulent!"

"Nope."

_Take Six_

"Stupendous!"

" _No!_ "

_Take Ten_

" _Serendipitous!_ " Gretchen cried desperately.

Milly threw her hands in the air as everyone else groaned. "Seriously? You can get serendipitous, but you can't say sesquipedalian?"

"I keep forgetting!" Gretchen protested.

Adyson rolled her eyes. "Did you _read_ your script before you got here?"

"Shut up!"

The director rubbed his eyes. "Okay, Ginger, you can take Gretchen's line for this scene and—"

" _No!_ This has become a challenge in my life! A challenge that I will overcome!" Gretchen declared. "Now everyone shut up and get into position! _Let's do this!_ "

_Take Eleven_

"Sasquatch!"

"I'm gonna kill her soon," Katie moaned.

_Take Thirteen_

"Sesquipedalian!"

"Here's your Saying a Word No One Else in the Room Knows patch! Does anyone else want to try?" Milly asked, handing Gretchen her patch and glancing around at the other girls.

" _Cut!_ " the director called.

Gretchen pumped her fist in the air. " _Triumph!_ "

...

Isabella and Pinky entered the Fireside Girls' cabin. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Earning patches!" Holly answered cheerfully.

The Mexican-Jewish girl was about to deliver her line when a water balloon suddenly struck her in the face. Adyson grinned as Isabella glowered at her. "What? I had a water balloon, and you were standing there. How could I resist?"

"I'd run, if I were you," Holly suggested. Adyson took her advice and bolted with Isabella hot on her heels.

...

Pinky peered out from behind the bush and glanced around. He started to move towards the fence-elevator and yelped when he was jerked back roughly. His collar had gotten caught and he was stuck.

"All right!" the director called. "Break out the weed whacker!"

...

_Take One_

"Whatcha doin'?" Isabella asked as she skipped over to Phineas.

"Well, to be perfectly honest, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I've been doing, always getting so wrapped up in these silly projects that I don't—" He broke off and started giggling. "Sorry! Sorry."

_Take Two._

"Well, to be perfectly honest, I don't know what I'm doing. I— _he he he._ "

"Phineas!" Isabella exclaimed as Phineas broke into laughter again.

"I'm sorry!" The redhead wiped his eyes. "Let's try again."

_Take Three_

"Well, to be perfectly honest, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I've been doing, always getting so wrapped up in these silly projects that I don't care about. It's you I care about, Isabella! Can we be together forever and—seriously! Who writes this stuff?"

" _Phineas!"_

...

"The only supply of Stiff Beauty left in the world is at the old abandoned Old Abandoned Amusement Park. And I intend to use my Me-Mobile to get me there!" Esmeralda exclaimed, gesturing towards her slightly frightening vehicle. She climbed in and a robotic arm shot out and snagged Pinky.

The machine scuttled for the door and slammed into the doorframe. The director groaned as Esmeralda tried to maneuver the contraption out the doors. "Okay, who got the measurements wrong?"

Heinz tried to make a break for the doors but Ferb caught him. "Ask the Dummkopf over her," Ferb drawled teasingly.

The German man scowled. "It’s your own fault for asking me to take the measurements in the first place! You have people for that!”

“And they were on vacation,” said the director flatly. “Excuse me for thinking you could do something as simple as record the dimensions of a doorframe.”

...

"According to this Fireside Girls Book on Dendrology, the Maraca Nut Tree is indigenous to mountain valley microclimates," Gretchen read from the handbook, one hand gripping the rope tightly.

Above her, Adyson struggled to climb the rock, which was really a fancy, realistic rock wall, and her foot slipped. With twin shrieks the girls fell to the thick blue mats below.

"Are you okay?" the director called.

"Fine!" Adyson answered, slightly dazed.

"I knew this would happen," Gretchen muttered, fixing her glasses. "Something bad always happens when you're with Clumsy Adyson."

"Hey!"

"I wanted to be tethered to Holly, but no. They put me with Adyson. I request a switch!"

"If I get put with Adyson, I'm pulling a diva!" Isabella threatened.

Adyson scowled. "Oh, shut up about the diva thing!”

...

"Step up, little sister. Let me bestow upon you the key of wisdom. Bask in its glory!" the Guru cried.

Isabella stared blankly at the key that was dropped in her hand. "Um—" There was an explosion of white smoke. Isabella smirked. “A bit late on the timing there, don’t you think?”

...

"Nothing up here, Captain!" Katie called, dangling from a rope tied to the top of the old rollercoaster. The rope snapped and she hurtled towards the mats. “I’m good!” she called after she landed.

"Good going, Adyson," Ginger hollered.

Adyson threw her hands in the air. "I hate you all!"

...

Isabella rushed over to the information card and started to read. "Stickiness is the most underrated of all the messes, and of all the stickinesses, the sap of the maracanut tree is the—" She paused and squinted at the words.

"It's written right there, Isabella," Milly pointed out in amusement. "And you still mess it up."

"Shut up, I can't read it! It's too small!"

"Sure, sure. Make excuses."

...

Holly surveyed the old maracanut attraction. "Probably not a good idea." She reared back and punched a hole through the material coating the structure. "The whole thing is—my fist is stuck. Someone help me get it out. I think there are spiders in here. _Get it out!_ "

...

_"This is The Fireside Girls song,"_ the group sang sweetly, " _and it's not too terribly long!"_

They struck their final poses. Ginger wobbled at the top of her pyramid and fell off. Adyson grinned.

"Good going, Ginger."

"Okay, I deserved that."

...

The group of girls stared in awe at the old minibus sitting on top of the rollercoaster. "Groovy!" Adyson exclaimed.

"Far out!"

"Jinkies!"

"Dy-no-mite!"

The girls looked at each other and burst into laughter. The director rolled his eyes. "Good try."

...

"Just trust me!" Isabella called to Gretchen before she dove off the roof of the van. She performed a swan dive and reached out for the tree. Her fingers brushed the leaves, but she failed to grab it. The girls groaned.

The van landed on the other side of the attraction safely. A green screen would be used to make the part where they swerved around the buildings. But the rollercoaster set was real—at least the top half. There was a good chunk of distance between the set and the ground.

Gretchen wiped the sweat from her brow. "Are you sure we can't have stunt doubles?"

"Positive."

"Fine. Isabella, try not to miss this time."

“You try doing a swan dive off a moving van!”

...

"Hold it still Katie!" Holly cautioned. She got the sap and held it up victoriously. "We got—!" The glass tube slipped through her fingers and crashed to the floor. Everyone stared at the shattered glass and then at the nervous actress. "Whoops."

...

"At last!" Esmeralda exclaimed. "My own supply of Stiff Beauty!"

The maracanut tree ride collapsed and the cans of hairspray exploded. Esmeralda tried to hold in a cough, but it was too much and she started hacking away.

The director groaned. "Do you know how much it costs to film this scene?"

"Well, if you want me to _choke._ "

"All right, one more time. And if you mess this up, it's coming out of your paycheck," the director warned.

Esmeralda turned towards Phineas, who was observing the final shoot of the day. "Is he always like this?"

Phineas grinned. "Only when he's sick and tired of us screwing around. So it's not you he's mad at."

"It's us!" the Fireside Girls chorused from the other end of the set with sly grins.

Buford came tearing towards them, panic written across his face. "They've got water guns! _Run for your life!_ "

The director sighed heavily as his studio exploded into chaos. "Forget it. We’ll try again tomorrow, when the kids _aren’t_ here.”


	6. The Beak Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I switched the 'unknown blonde Fireside Girl' with Katie, though I know she isn't in this episode. I'm adding her in.
> 
> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"Here it is. The Phineas-and-Ferb-edge-of-insanity-kiss-your-butt-goodbye-gravity-is-a-stone-cold-sucker-nightmare-rail—" Phineas collapsed halfway through his sentence, panting heavily. "I need to breathe at some point," he wheezed.

_Take Two_

"You ready, Ferb?" Phineas asked, gesturing towards the skateboard track. It did not have the deadly traps, as those would be added in post-production, but the set that the team managed to construct was still terrifying. 

Ferb nodded and grabbed his skateboard. Instead of dropping it, like he was supposed to, he accidently tripped and landed stomach-first on his skateboard. Phineas made a lunge for the boy as he started to roll down the steep ramp, but missed. "Shoot!"

Ferb whizzed down the terror track and Phineas shut his eyes. "Someone tell me if he makes it in one piece!"

The green-haired boy hollered as he sped through the dangerous twists and turns. He flew off the track and landed hard on the grass below. The boy hastily rolled off the skateboard before the mini-explosive rigged to it went off.

The applause caused Phineas to open his eyes. "Whoa! You made it! You okay, dude?"

Ferb did not move. "I will be taking a ten-minute break right here, so I can get my heart beating again. If anyone bothers me within that time, I will bite your head off."

"He's fine."

...

"Agent P, we've just received an alarming message from Doofenshmirtz. Watch closely, and join us in girlish panic if you're into it," Francis said, biting his nails nervously. Carl reared back and jammed a wooden chair into the shredder. The shredder made an odd choking sound before it started beeping.

Carl shrieked and ran off set. " _It's gonna blow!_ "

The shredder exploded, sending pieces of wood and paper and metal in all directions. The director slowly peeked out from behind his chair and sighed. "That's coming out of your paycheck, Carl."

"Come on!"

...

"Seriously, life as you know it is over." Heinz grinned wickedly at the crowd below him. "Thank you and remember: Doof you, doof me, doof us!"

He burst into laughter immediately after finishing his line. The director groaned. "Now what?"

"That is the stupidest slogan ever!"

"Hey!" Phineas wailed from off set. "I helped with that one!"

...

"Oh, _less_! _Less_ Bulgarian—okay, wow. I thought we were on the same page. But no. It's cool. Whatever. Time to suit up!" Phineas said cheerfully. He and Ferb eagerly climbed into the yellow robotic suit. "Okay, video link active. How you doin', Ferb? Oh cool! Look what it does to my voice! _Luke, I am your father._ "

Ferb burst into laughter and Phineas giggled. The director scowled. "Phineas!"

"Come on, man! I had to do it!"

"That's not even how he says it! If you're going to utter an iconic line from a cinematic masterpiece, at least do it right."

...

"Help!" Buford cried. "My nerd is stuck in a tree!" He pulled out a worksheet and a calculator and waved them in the air. "Look! It's your favourite calculator and some math problems!"

Baljeet brightened and stood up on the branch he had been sitting on. "Is it fractions?" He lost his footing and pitched for the ground.

"Baljeet!" Buford cried.

The Beak swooped in and reached for Baljeet. They missed the Indian child and crashed into the tree as Baljeet struck the ground. _"Ouch."_

Buford grinned. "That was awesome! Do it again!"

...

Katie balanced a load of newspapers on her handlebars as she pedaled by Phineas and Ferb's house. "Early mid-morning edition! The Beak saves the geek!" She tossed the newspaper too hard and it struck Phineas in the face.

Ferb grinned. "That was great. We should keep this in the—"

Phineas reared back and slammed the newspaper over Ferb's head. "Yeah. We should definitely keep this in the episode."

...

_Take Sixty-seven_

"This isn't over. You haven't seen the last of Khaka Peu Peu! I'll—"

Phineas and Ferb broke into peels of laughter from inside the Beak costume. The director screamed in exasperation and stormed off set. "That's it! We're taking a break."

Phineas climbed out of the suit, giggling hysterically. "What were the writers thinking? How can we not laugh at this?"

Ferb glanced at the Beak and sighed. "You know, I do wish we hadn't done the battle digitally."

“It’s probably cheaper than trying to get us to do it right on the harness,” said Phineas. “Plus, less chance for screw-ups.”

" _Okay, who put maple syrup in my slippers?"_

Ferb took off as Heinz stormed on set, his bare feet covered in sticky maple syrup. Phineas broke into laughter once more as the actor chased Ferb all over the studio.

...

Candace gagged and hunched over her sewing machine. "Ugh! Barf-aroni with cheese! Stacy, please. Phineas and Ferb are doing something totally bust-able that's also mobile. We can lure them right to Mom to bust themselves— _ouch!_ "

Stacy winced. "She pricked her finger with the machine...there's a lot of blood... _medic!_ "

...

"Beautiful! Now it's all up to The Dangiraffe," Candace cackled.

Stacy stood still in her bubble. "So then, what does—?" She accidentally leaned forwards and the ball tipped over. Stacy shrieked as she rolled down the alley and bowled over Candace. Despite being rolled over, Candace burst into hysterical laughter.

"That was _awesome!_ "

" _Help me!_ " Stacy cried.

...

"I'm not doing it," Isabella said firmly. Her arms were crossed and her eyes glinted.

The director groaned. "Why not?"

"Whenever someone has to hang off a ledge or be caught by someone, they always end up falling. I do not want to fall off the edge of a building," Isabella snapped. "You'll have to find someone else to do the scene."

“It’s not a full building, Isabella.”

“That ledge is pretty dang high off the ground! I’m not doing it.”

"There is no one else!"

"I'm not doing it."

"Do it or you don't get paid."

"I have a contract."

"We'll double your pay for today."

" _Whoa!_ " Baljeet cried, stumbling up to the pair. "I fell out of a tree. Where's my hazard pay?"

"Excuse me!" Heinz protested. "I think I should be the one getting hazard pay here."

The director's face turned purple, and this was never a good sign. Shrieking with fear, everyone scattered into their positions before they got no pay at all.


	7. S'Winter Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"How does it work?" Phineas questioned as he stood beside Ferb. Lawrence beamed and grabbed a bag of ice to dump into the snow cone machine.

"Well, you pour the ice in here, you give it a crank—" Lawrence yanked on the lever and slush spewed from the nozzle of the machine, drenching Phineas and Ferb.

"Don't add the syrup!" Phineas warned, shivering slightly. "Blue isn't really my colour."

...

Perry whizzed down the tube slide and shot out into his lair. Instead of landing in his seat like he should have, he sailed right into the monitor. The director winced as Perry slid down the screen and collapsed to the floor. "Ouch. You okay, Perry?"

The platypus chattered in pain. The director sighed. "Take a few minutes. Then we'll try again."

...

"S'Winter?" Isabella asked in confusion, observing what was happening in the Flynn-Fletcher backyard.

"It's a unique logic-defying amalgam of winter and summer," Ferb explained, dumping another load of ice into the machine. The bucket slipped out of his hands, crashing into the machine and metal pieces started flying everywhere. The green-haired boy dove to the ground.

"Oh great!" Phineas cried as the machine started to spark. "You broke it!"

"We're on a budget!" the director cried.

"Well, excuse me for being human!" Ferb snapped back.

...

_Take One_

"You guys are gonna need some help." Isabella lifted her fingers to her mouth and whistled—or attempted to, anyway.

Phineas felt his lips twitch. "That wasn't a whistle. That was a raspberry."

"Shut up!"

_Take Three_

Isabella took a deep breath tried to whistle. Globs of spit flew from her lips and landed on Phineas. "Ew! Gross! Cooties!"

"You're so immature!"

_Take Six_

A sharp whistle echoed through the backyard. Isabella and Phineas waited but no Fireside Girls showed up. The Mexican-Jewish girl was not impressed. " _Milly! Ginger! Katie! Holly!_ "

The four girls stumbled onto the set, carrying cups of hot chocolate and donuts. "Is it our cue?"

" _I'm gonna kill you!_ " hissed Isabella.

...

"What is going on out there?" Candace cried, staring at the wall of snow in disbelief. She dropped her cell phone and raced for her window. She gripped the edges and started tugging upwards. "Ung...ung...ung...it...won't...open!"

...

Isabella, Adyson and Gretchen skated on the ice as Phineas and Ferb blew the trumpets. _"It's a S'Winter S'Wonderland, unusual and—"_

Adyson tripped over her skates and crashed into Isabella. Gretchen tried moving out of the way but Isabella grabbed onto her leg and brought her down with them. " _Adyson!_ "

"Sorry!" the clumsy girl cried. "Sorry!"

...

Candace stared at the ground in fear. "Oh, I had no idea this thing was so high." She leaned forwards a little too much and pitched off the ski lift. She shrieked as she fell and landed in a mound of puffy white snow. "Why does this stuff smell like potatoes?”

“It’s potato flakes, mixed with artificial snow.”

...

"Don't worry it's not what you think," Heinz assured the chocolate-covered Perry. "Between you and me, my popularity has plummeted to an all-time low. But everybody loves chocolate! What if I could recreate chocolate in my own image? Behold! The Melt-Inator 6500! Powered by thousands of laser pointers. It has a melting capacity of six."

"It's seven, actually," Phineas called with a grin.

Heinz glowered. "It's a number. Does it matter which one?"

"It's seven, Heinz," the director sighed.

"Aren't we picky today, Mr. I-Sit-In-My-Chair-And-Do-Nothing."

...

Candace eagerly strapped some snowshoes to her feet. "I'll just walk all the way up to the top. Nothing will stand in my way." She struggled up the snowy incline and yelped when she fell through and got covered by the snow. “Uh…a little help?”

The director hummed. "You know, we could probably use that in the episode."

...

Heinz rolled his eyes and made his way to his machine. "At this very moment, the world's largest chocolate bar is passing through town on the way to the Smithsonian. But it will—" He tripped over his own feet and his head banged on the edge of the machine. "Ow... _stop snickering, Perry the Platypus_."

...

The snowboard slid down the ramp, which would be digitally edited into a mountain, with ease. Just as it was supposed to land into the tube carrying the bobsleds it hit a snag in the wood and flew over its target and onto the floor.

"Ouch," Candace groaned and got to her feet.

"Smooth move, kid."

"Shut up, Heinz," Phineas snapped in irritation.

...

Heinz cackled. "You almost foiled my plan! Luckily, I had an extra can of sticky string to subdue you!" He pressed the button with flourish.

Nothing happened.

He started clicking it and grew frustrated when it didn't work. "Something's wrong with this blasted button!"

"You have to plug it in, Heinz."

The actor froze and glanced behind him. Sure enough, there was a giant plug that needed to be plugged into the socket.

Phineas, who enjoyed hanging around when the elder actor shot his scenes, grinned. "Did you even read your script?"

"You got ten seconds to run, kid."

...

_Take One_

"Mom, Dad! Hurry up! It's a mix of winter and summer! They call it "S'Winter," Candace cried, throwing open the door to the backyard.

Lawrence frowned. "I'd think that'd be Wummer wouldn't it?"

Candace whirled around and gaped at Phineas and Ferb, who were innocently eating snow cones. Phineas took a large bite and shrieked with pain. " _Brain freeze!_ "

Ferb shook his head. "You had two lines in this scene, Phineas. Two lines."

_Take Three_

"I'd think that'd be Wummer wouldn't it?"

Before Phineas could deliver his line, a giant cuckoo broke through the glass window, chirping loudly. Candace screamed and dove to the ground while the boys choked on their snow cones in surprise.

Linda pressed a hand to her pounding heart. "Was that supposed to happen?"

The director grinned. "No, but we're definitely keeping that in there."

Candace sighed. "Well, at least I didn't get hurt this time." After a brief pause, she leaned over and knocked on the bark of the tree. "Not taking any chances."


	8. Mom's Birthday Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Candace strolled down the hall, carrying a tray of bacon and eggs. "Bacon and eggs," she sang softly as she approached her mother's bedroom door. "Oh yeah!"

She pushed open the door and entered. "Mom—!" Her foot caught on the edge of the carpet and she fell forwards. The food and orange juice splattered all over Linda. "Whoops."

Linda gingerly sat up, wiping egg yolk off of her face. "Nice move, sweetie."

...

Phineas shook the ceramic piggy bank, coins clattering to the floor. "Buford, my man! What's—?" The bank slipped from his fingers and hit the floor, shattering into dozens of pieces. "Shoot!"

...

Candace stormed into the kitchen and growled softly. Phineas glanced over his shoulder. "Hey, Candace. You wanna man the omelet station for Mom's birthday?"

Candace opened her mouth to deliver her line as Ferb turned around. "I'm doing— _ha ha ha ha ha!_ "

The director groaned. "What could possibly be so funny?"

"Ferb's mustache! You didn't tell me he was wearing one!" Candace giggled. "Sorry, it caught me off guard. I'm good."

_Take Two_

"I'm doing my own— _snort_ —thing." Candace pressed a hand to her mouth. "Sorry, sorry."

_Take Ten_

"I'm doing my own—" Candace struggled to finish and ended up bursting into laughter for the umpteenth time. Phineas shook his head and grinned slightly.

"We're never gonna get out of here."

"I'm sorry, but he looks like Luigi!" the teen managed to get out through her laughter.

Ferb arched an eyebrow as Phineas suddenly dissolved into laughter. "Oh my gosh! I never noticed that!"

The British child glanced at his reflection in the oven door. "Hey, I kind of do."

The director closed his eyes. "And now we'll never get this done. Thanks, Candace."

...

"Gosh, those things give me the creeps, the way they're all robotic and waxy." Francis shuddered. "Well, good luck Agent P."

Perry saluted him and turned on his jetpack. He pressed the button with too much force and instead of gently floating upwards he shot for the tube he had just fell from. Francis winced as Perry got jammed in the tube opening, the jetpack sputtering. "Ooh, that doesn’t look comfortable.”

" _Leave him there!"_ Heinz howled from off set.

...

Candace grinned manically, slopping glue onto the blue piece of construction paper. "The boys may have won breakfast, but wait until Mom sees this homemade birthday card." She reached for the pencil and her blue eyes widened upon discovering that her hand was firmly stuck to the desk. "Which one of you jerks replaced the normal glue with _super_ glue?"

Buford grinned. "Whoops. Honest mistake."

" _Buford!"_

...

"Almost there!" Phineas assured, leading Linda towards the kitchen. The lights were off, leaving that part of the house in darkness. Ferb reached for the light switch and flicked it. As the kitchen was drenched in light, a figure with a pale white face and red eyes jumped from the shadows screaming wildly.

Ferb yelped and scrambled backwards, slamming into the wall and stars exploding in his vision. Phineas shrieked and tried to run away only to crash into the still-blindfolded Linda, who was shouting in panic and fumbling to remove the piece of cloth, and bringing them both down.

Buford removed the mask from his face and laughed hysterically. Isabella rolled her eyes. "We tried to stop him."

"You didn't warn us!" Ferb cried, placing a hand over his pounding heart.

Baljeet grinned. "We did not care _that_ much."

...

"Ooh, I hate you. Let's see. What else? Ear hair. Oh, yes, I've always hated you," Heinz ranted as he stalked along the displays of everything he hated. "Pelicans. Terrible creatures. What—what are you, a bird or a garbage disposal?"

The pelican in question narrowed its eyes and suddenly sprang up, attacking Heinz with full force. Perry grinned as the actor screamed in pain and panic. " _Hey!_ Who unchained the pelican?"

Ferb snickered and held up his phone. "This is so going on the Internet."

...

_Take One_

"Here Candace, you can do the honors!" Phineas exclaimed, tossing the teen the remote. Candace sighed heavily.

"Oh joy," she muttered, lazily lifting her hand and half-heartedly pressing the button. The screen flickered to life and instead of Phineas' voice narrating, it was some old pop song along with photos of Ferb.

The British child turned brick red as pictures of him as baby sprang up along with a few of him in the bathtub. " _Heinz!_ "

The actor grinned, casually sauntering onto the set and leaning one hand against Ferb's messy green hair. "Payback's a—"

"Heinz!" the director hissed. "There are children here!"

“That’s not even what I was going to say!”

_Take Three_

Awed, Candace allowed her brothers to lead her to the stage. Her voice spilled from the speakers and she carefully started up the step. Her foot caught in the lift of the wooden plank and she went sprawling onto the stage, bringing Phineas and Ferb with her.

"You're almost as clumsy as Adyson," Phineas muttered.

"Shut up!" Adyson wailed from the audience.

_Take Four_

"We set up a satellite uplink with Dad!" Phineas exclaimed. Linda smiled and followed Phineas to the screen in which Lawrence was supposed to be on.

"And it's not working." Phineas frowned and jabbed at the buttons. "Okay, what's up?"

Ferb glanced at the extension cord that was supposed to have been connecting the machine to a power source. "Well, first, the cord is unplugged. Second, I checked the circuitry. It's all frazzled up in there. Someone was messing with it before we got here."

All eyes turned to Heinz. The actor held up his hands in defense. "You can't blame this one on me!" he cried, staying away from the set. "I was shooting the –Inator scene all afternoon!"

The eyes then turned to Buford, who flushed. "Well, I may have been watching football on it while everyone was having lunch. And then I may have gotten angry and slammed the thing with my fist."

"Good going, man." Phineas rolled his eyes. "And I'm assuming Adyson tripped over the plug and accidently unplugged it?"

Adyson crossed her arms. "For once, it wasn't me!"

There was a moment of silence. With a sigh, Candace raised her hand. "It was me."


	9. Delivery of Destiny Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Paul sighed heavily. "All right, Dad. I'll talk to you later. Bye."

He turned off his headset and reached for the radio dial and cranked it. Loud, obnoxious heavy metal music blasted from the speakers, shaking the car and causing him to shriek in surprise.

"Who messed with the new guy?" the director asked with a sigh.

Phineas grinned. "Well, we only had to shoot three scenes. Might as well have some fun."

"Oi vey."

...

_Take One_

"Out of order?" Paul asked in disbelief, staring at the red sign. "Fine, whatever."

With a grunt he hauled the package towards the door leading to the stairs. He pushed it open with his elbow and dragged the cart after him. "It...won't...fit...through...the...door!" Paul cried, trying in vain to yank the wide package after him.

The director sighed. "All right. I want it longer and skinnier."

"That's what she said."

" _Ferb!_ "

_Take Two_

Paul managed to carry the package to the sixth floor before losing his grip on the cart. He watched in dismay as it rattled down six flights of stairs. "Man.”

_Take Ten_

Paul was almost to the top floor when his shoelace caught in the wheel and wrapped tightly around it. Startled, Paul tripped and the cart once more rolled down the stairs, dragging him with it. " _Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!_ "

"The contracts don't cover chin replacements," Phineas informed as he craned his neck up, watching as Paul's chin banged off every step as he was dragged down.

_Take Eleven_

"Finally," Paul muttered as he reached the penthouse. He stumbled for the door and his foot caught in a lift in the carpet. He toppled over and the package landed on top of him. " _Ouch!_ Oh, come _on_!"

...

_Take One_

"Hello?" Paul called, wiping the sweat off his forehead and entering the main part of the lair. "Is anyone here?"

Instead of a cage dropping from the ceiling like he expected, a bucket of water balloons filled with ketchup struck him instead. Paul wiped the red condiment off of his white costume in disgust before glowering at the cackling group of kids.

"That," Heinz informed as he leaned against the metal railing of the lair's balcony, "is what I go through every day."

_Take Two_

"Is anyone here?" Paul asked. Something wet and sticky splashed all over him and he gritted his teeth, trying in vain to hold back a string of curses. Paul scowled as he took off his honey-soaked hat.

The director groaned as Ferb and Buford dissolved into giggles. "Will you _please_ stop trolling the guest star?"

...

"And you're the first listener to spot us!" The DJ exclaimed.

Paul blinked. A few seconds of silence went by before he finally shrugged. "I don't know my line."

Phineas snorted. "Come on, man. It's easy. 'It's too bad I don't know the phrase that pays.' Seriously, you're as bad as Heinz."

" _HEY!"_

"Go home, Phineas!" the director snapped.

"I think I'm the star, and he's simply a guest star you cast because you got sick and tired of our antics and wanted a break." Phineas beamed innocently. "Not gonna happen."

...

Exasperated, Paul quickly hopped out of the van and ignored the music that Love Handle continued to beat out. He raced up the City Hall steps and wiped out.

"Ten points!" Isabella cheered.

...

"We know them!" Danny exclaimed. "Hey Phineas, hey Ferb!" As he waved, he accidently whacked Paul in the face.

Paul rubbed his throbbing nose. "Okay, now I have a broken nose in addition to a headache. Can I get out of here?"

Ferb peered down at him from the lift they were on. "No one. Ever. Leaves."

Paul gulped and shrunk back.

"Ferb!" the director shouted. "Stop freaking out the guest star!"

...

Candace lounged on the counter, texting lazily. Jeremy balanced a stack of cups on his right hand and hummed a tune. Paul and Love Handle stared at them and the director felt his left eye start to twitch. "Guys, we're shooting a scene here."

The redhead gasped in mock shock. "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that you actually _intended_ to shoot a meaningless three second scene of me, who is one of the main characters and should not have been cast aside.”

"Ooh, harsh,” said Jeremy.

The director turned purple and Candace hastily shoved her phone in her pocket. "But since this episode will be nothing without me in it, however briefly, I suppose I'll be cooperative."

"Gee, thanks," Paul muttered.

...

"Organization Without a Cool Acronym," Paul read. "They're not kidding." He pressed the doorbell button and got smacked in the face with a boxing glove.

Buford and Baljeet grinned.

The director lost it.

" _That's it!_ " he howled. " _I've had it up to here with you kids!_ "

Phineas, Ferb and Isabella immediately knew they had crossed a line and shrunk back as the director loomed over them. Candace gulped and shrunk back against Jeremy as the director glared at all of them with eyes blazing.

"I don't care _what_ problems you have with this episode. We're doing it and you will _like_ it. You will stop being immature brats simply because you aren't in this _one_ episode. You," the director pointed to Candace, "will apologize for your rudeness."

"Sorry,” said Candace hastily.

"She can be a real diva sometimes,” added Jeremy, and quickly went quiet as Candace dug her elbow into his side.

"You will go home," the director growled at Buford. "You have no reason to be here and I better not see your face until the next scheduled shooting."

“Got it!” Buford sprinted off.

Baljeet and Isabella recoiled as the director rounded on them. "You two will stop encouraging _them_."

Phineas and Ferb paled as the finger swung in their direction. "And you two will. Stop. Trolling. _Everyone._ If you lot don't smarten up and let me and the actors do their job, then it will not bode well for you. Am I understood?"

"Yes sir!"

"Then if you can't watch without causing trouble, get back to your trailers or go home."

The kids scattered. Heinz, who had been watching everything unfold with great amusement, asked, “Why can’t you rage out on them every day?”

“Because I don’t have the time or energy,” snapped the director.

Paul, who was more bemused than offended or upset, glanced at Heinz. “Seriously. How do you work like this?”

Heinz shrugged. “You get used to them.”


	10. Rollercoaster: The Musical Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"I think there's been a mistake," Candace said as she went up to the director. "This is the script for _Rollercoaster_."

"That's the script for _Rollercoaster: The Musical_ ," the director corrected.

Candace stared. "You want us to redo the same episode but with songs and dance? Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"We went through it well the first time."

The redhead regarded him dubiously before nodding. "Whatever you say." She headed for her trailer and shook her head. "This is going to be a long day."

...

_Take One_

Phineas threw his arms in the air and sang, _"We can build a roller coaster, but this time with songs—"_ His voice cracked and he broke into a coughing fit.

Ferb sighed. "This is a bad idea."

"You're doing the great!" the director encouraged. "Uh...Phineas? Are you okay?"

"I can't hit those notes!" he protested, rubbing his throat.

"Just give it another shot."

Phineas groaned. "My voice is going to be shot by the end of the day."

"Good. Then I won't have to hear your whiny little voice."

Phineas scowled. “Real nice.”

_Take Two_

_"We can build a roller coaster, but this time with songs and dancing!"_ Phineas sang. He started to go into the next verse when a fly flew straight into his mouth. Ferb covered his giggles as Phineas choked in disgust and ran around the backyard set.

"Water! I need water! What if this fly was a female? What if she was pregnant? I'm gonna have baby flies inside me!" Phineas cried.

Ferb groaned. "That is disgusting."

_Take Four_

Phineas poked his head around the tree trunk. _"Bet we're gonna be so glad that we didn't stay at home and—"_

He was meant to appear on the other side in a tuxedo. He wasn't a quick-change artist.

The redhead lost the tune as he tried to pull on his tuxedo jacket. His foot caught on the tree root and he toppled over, his shirt covering his head. "It's stuck!"

_Take Six_

_"Hey Ferb! I know what we're—"_ Phineas pressed a hand to his mouth to cover the giggles. Ferb smirked.

"Come on dude." Phineas grinned at the director. "You have the both of us dressed as cats. There is no way we're getting this done."

At that moment Isabella hurried by. "Rawr," Ferb called as she passed.

Isabella shot him an amused glance and Phineas collapsed in a fit of laughter.

_Take Eleven_

Phineas hung on to the lamppost as the rain dripped down his face. _"Hey Ferb! I know what we're gonna do today!"_ He lost his grip and fell into a puddle. "Shoot! There's mascara in my eye!"

Ferb stared. "You wear mascara?"

"The makeup people put mascara on me," Phineas corrected. "You don't?"

"No."

"Darn it." Phineas turned to stare at Buford, who was eating from the snack table. "How much did you pay my makeup people to put mascara on me?"

The burly boy grinned. "Fifty bucks."

"Revenge will be mine."

...

Ferb exited his trailer wearing a pink dress and a wig. He glowered at the director. "You must be joking."

"Nope." The director grinned. "I can't wait until Phineas sees you."

Needless to say, they didn't get that scene shot for a while.

...

Phineas glanced behind him as Candace burst into the yard. "Hey Candace! Do you like it?" His hand accidently knocked the paint can beside him over. He flinched as the contents spilled onto Candace. "Whoops."

...

_Take One_

_"You're goin' down, your operation exposed!"_ Candace sang as she went to kick open the doors. Her foot broke through the plaster and she groaned. "A little help?"

_Take Three_

Candace slouched back in the large office chair with an easy grin. _"You think you're livin' large—"_ Here she swung her feet up to crush the small figurines of Phineas and Ferb and crushed Stacy's fingers instead.

" _Ouch!_ "

...

As Isabella sang her song Phineas pretended to pay no attention as he was lifted up to the steel base of the rollercoaster. The cable attached to the platform he was standing on snapped and he hurtled to the ground.

“Ow! Do you people never inspect these things or what?”

...

"Hey Ferb!" Isabella called and waved.

Ferb waved back with the hand holding the hammer. He accidently let go and everyone braced themselves as it flew over the fence and into the parking lot reserved for the actors and actresses, which was located directly beside the Flynn-Fletcher backyard set.

Phineas rubbed the back of his neck the sound of shattering glass sounded. "What did you break?"

Ferb grinned sheepishly. "The windshield of Heinz's car."

" _WHAT?"_ shrieked Heinz.

...

_"But I can dare to dream,"_ Francis sang. He was about to go into the next verse when the lights suddenly shut off. "Carl!"

"Sorry, sir. I couldn't stand your singing."

" _Carl!_ "

...

Candace sighed in exasperation. "Mom, trust me, its mooses...or meese. Do you want me to get a dictionary? Actually, you know what, I really don't know. I'm going to check this out."

"Candace, moose is already plural," the director said tiredly.

"Are you sure?"

"So what was your English mark this year?" Linda asked teasingly.

"Shut up!"

...

Heinz paced in front of Perry as he rambled. "I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, have covered the entire Eastern seaboard in tin foil. Again. But this time when I put my giant magnet next to my ingenious Magnetism Magnif-Inator, I will pull the East in a Westerly direction, thereby reversing the rotation of—wait! I just realized something. I'm going to be struck with another flying ball of tinfoil, aren't I?"

"I can't wait!" Phineas chimed.

"Phineas," the director said warningly. "Heinz, finish the scene."

"Fine. But I still want that stunt double."

"Me too!" Candace hollered.

The director sighed. "Heinz, you don't have to go through _all_ of it again. We're going to edit in where you get slammed by the giant ball of tinfoil from the first episode and you'll just shoot the new lines we've added."

"Oh good."

"I really wanted that stunt double," Candace muttered.

...

_Take One_

Phineas and Ferb watched in curiosity as Heinz launched into his musical number. As the music picked up the actor tore off his lab coat to reveal too-tight black leather pants and a very small tank top. _"Back in Gimmelshtump I always had to keep it real—"_

" _My eyes!_ " Phineas howled. He covered them and ran away from the set. "My brain! I will never forget!"

Ferb rubbed his forehead. "That was not something I needed to see."

"You're just jealous of my awesome physique," Heinz snapped.

Ferb shuddered. "Oh gross."

_Take Four_

"So, are we done?" one of the dancers asked. "I gotta pick my kid up from school."

"One second, just wait until it fades to black," Heinz muttered. "Okay, you can go."

Ferb frowned. "Wait. It's summer. Why would her kid be in school?"

The director blinked. "Hmm. Good question. Uh...we'll let the audience assume she's talking about summer school."

...

"You actually got a real rollercoaster this time?" Baljeet squeaked. They were gathered in an amusement park, which had been rented out to them for the day, staring up at the massive attraction.

"Awesome!" Buford exclaimed.

"Of course, most of the editing will have to be done in post-production," the director said. "But we wanted this part to be real."

"Can I go?" Baljeet asked.

"Nope.”

"Don't be a wimp!" Buford grinned. "This is going to be great!"

...

_Take One_

As the rollercoaster whizzed around the track, Phineas kept beat to the song. Baljeet struggled to keep his lunch down and was failing. Buford noticed his green face and yelped, "Don't you dare!"

Too late.

"Gross."

_Take Three_

Baljeet took some medicine to cure his nauseous stomach and they tried again. Phineas relaxed when Baljeet didn't show signs of barfing and stood up on the front of the rollercoaster, held down with a metal brace. He blew his trumpet soundly and did not notice when one of the screws on his brace snapped off.

"Phineas!" Isabella cried as the coaster made a sharp turn and Phineas started to sail off.

Ginger sprang up and wrapped her arms around Phineas' waist. She held on with Isabella's help until the rollercoaster screeched to a stop. "You okay?"

Phineas nodded. His face was pale. "I never thought this job would be this dangerous."

...

"So now, I'm left holding a ten-gate house in a twelve-gate neighborhood. My accountant wants me to walk away from the whole thing. But, like, I can't do that. Just because I'm evil doesn't mean I don't care about my credit rate," Heinz ranted.

Perry flicked a loose screw at the control panel but misaimed. It hit Heinz in the eyes instead.

" _Ouch!_ "

...

Candace stared at all the people gathered in the studio. "Are you insane?"

"Well, we need an epic musical number to finish off the episode," the director defended.

Candace groaned. "We're never getting out of here!"

...

_"Well, we hope you all enjoyed the show—"_ Phineas sang and jumped when he heard Isabella shriek. The girl fell off the swing that was being pulled into the tree.

"Sorry!" she called.

"We're getting off to a good start," Ferb drawled sarcastically.

...

The director was ecstatic. The _Carpe Diem_ song was going off without a hitch. Everyone was perfect. Phineas and Ferb jogged down the glittering runway, ready to slide into the finale. They picked up too much speed and flew off the end, crashing into the cameraman that was filming them.

The producer whistled. "That sucks."

"What does?" the director asked anxiously. "We can just shoot the end part!"

"You could, but the dunderhead at the camera left the lens cap on."

" _Nooooooooo!_ "


	11. Spa Day Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Isabella shuffled up the driveway and smiled as Candace and Stacy walked out of the house. "Where ya goin'?"

"We're going to the spa," Candace said proudly.

"Yeah. We're gonna get totally immersed in self-indulgence," Stacy informed.

"And mud.”

"Like this?" a voice called from behind them. The two girls whirled around and were immediately struck with mud. Phineas laughed and high-fived Ferb.

"Sorry, guys. Couldn't resist."

The director slunk in his chair. "Come on, boys. Don't start!"

...

_Take One_

"Well, I think we're going to build a spa," Phineas said, glancing questioningly at Ferb. "What do you say, Ferb? It'll give you a chance to do your seaweed rap. You know..." He pressed his hand over his mouth and did a poor imitation of a turntable scratch.

Isabella and Ferb glanced at each other before breaking into giggles. Phineas rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Stop it. My self-esteem is dropping with every snicker."

_Take Two_

Phineas tried to do another impression and ended up biting his tongue. "Ouch!" he cried. "I bit ma tongue!"

"How did you manage that?" Isabella asked in amusement.

"I dunno!"

The director shook his head. "Only you, Phineas. Only you."

...

Heinz flipped through his mail when the sound of a cat caught his attention. He glanced to see an adorable little kitty peering up at him. "Aw, what a little cutie. What's a cute little lovebug like you doing out here all by yourself? _Ouch!_ It bit me! _Phineas!_ Did you train Mr. Fluffypants to bite me?"

Phineas snapped his fingers. "No, but I should have. Wish I thought of that."

...

Candace batted her eyes at Jeremy. "Oh wow. Philanthropy."

Stacy frowned. "But what about—"

Candace elbowed her with too much force and Stacy toppled to the ground. Jeremy burst into laughter. "Nice one."

"Sorry!"

"You know—" the director started to say before Stacy interrupted him.

"I know, I know. We can put that in the episode," she muttered in annoyance.

...

"And why am I fighting a giant squid?" Buford asked as he stared at his script.

"Because, apparently, that is how you get seaweed for spas," Baljeet informed him. "I hear that they are giving you a robotic squid to fight with."

"Oh, geez. That's gonna end well," Buford muttered.

Baljeet followed curiously as Buford made his way to the part of the studio that housed the large aqua tank with his robotic squid. "Technology," he grumbled.

Baljeet peered at the water rippling in the tank. "Wow! They are really going all out."

The director strode in along with a few crew members. "Are you ready, Buford?"

The burly boy crossed his arms. "Exactly what am I doing?"

"Just walk up to the platform and start fighting with the squid. We'll edit in the background later."

Buford reluctantly made his way up to the platform. He stood above the clear water and stared into the cold metallic eyes of the robotic squid.

All of a sudden, the eyes flashed yellow. A tentacle shot out and wrapped quickly around Buford's waist. The boy let out a shrill scream.

Baljeet covered his mouth to hide his laughter. The director sighed. "Buford, you're supposed to be tough!”

"Give me a warning next time when you turn it on!" Buford snapped.

An engineer slowly moved over to them. "Um...we...didn't turn it on."

" _AAGGHH!"_

...

Francis watched as Perry left the lair. "So, Carl, how are we doing on those pants?"

Carl rubbed the back of his neck and stared at the pants Francis was to put on. "Um...I think Heinz has been near them."

" _WHAT?"_

Francis raced over and stared in horror at the hot-pink parachute pants. "Darn it, Heinz! Those were my favourite pants!"

"Aw, but they go so well with your eyes!"

"Not _now_ Carl."

...

"Oh, dear heavens," Stacy groaned as she studied her script. Candace wandered over and glanced over her shoulder.

"What?"

"They have us in a construction scene. With tools. And heavy wooden boards."

"Oh, geez. Better check on my medical insurance," Candace said, half-joking.

"You're on, girls!" a crew member called as he rushed past.

"Let's get this over with," Stacy sighed.

...

_Take One_

Candace swooned as Jeremy neared. Stacy struggled to hold up the piece of plywood as her friend talked to Jeremy. "Oh, you know, we're just over here helping and being all buildery and stuff."

Stacy lost her grip and the wood crashed down on Candace. The redhead moaned dazedly. "Sorry!" Stacy cried.

_Take Two_

"Oh, you know, we're just over here helping and being all buildery and stuff," Candace said casually.

"Ow! I got a splinter!" Stacy yanked her hands away from the board and inspected her throbbing finger. Candace yelped as the board slammed over her head.

"Not again! Stop laughing, Jeremy!"

_Take Four_

"Okay, we'll just finish this wall and then we'll be able to make it to the—" Candace started to say, her hands holding up the large piece of plywood. "Oh, hey!" She waved eagerly to Jeremy and the board came crashing down on Stacy.

"I'm pretty sure that wasn't in the script," Jeremy said in amusement.

"It was an accident," Candace said unconvincingly.

"Get this off me!" Stacy hollered.

_Take Seven_

"Oh, Stacy, don't you just love how Jeremy buckles his tool belt on the third loop?" Candace asked dreamily. She plastered the wallpaper over Stacy, causing the girl to shriek in panic.

"Come on, Candace!" the director cried in exasperation.

"Oh, come on. You're thinking of putting this in the episode."

"Yeah, all right."

_Take Eight_

"Bye, Jeremy. It was nice hanging out with you, too. All day." Candace smiled. "Did you hear that? We hung out all day."

As Candace leaned against Stacy, her hand accidently hit the jackhammer button. Stacy screamed as she was carried roughly across the studio by the vibrating jackhammer. Candace winced. "Okay, I swear, that was unintentional!"

"Help me!" Stacy wailed as the jackhammer started destroying the set.

“Someone help the girl out!" called the director.

Phineas, Ferb, Buford and Isabella tried desperately to tackle Stacy off the crazy jackhammer. Heinz raced in after a while and managed to sidestep the possessed tool, whisking Stacy off the machine.

"Thanks," she wheezed.

Heinz was amused. "You know, I don't think I've ever gotten into _that_ much trouble."

...

"I'm sorry we had to clean up everything I destroyed and had to rebuild it, I'm especially sorry I made us miss our spa appointment, but most of all, I'm sorry for being a bad friend," Candace said tiredly.

Before she could say anything else a barrage of water balloons came from nowhere and slammed into her. Candace shrieked and tried to fend off the attack. Soon she was dripping water and soaking wet. "Stacy," she growled.

Stacy grinned. "I got Heinz to help me out. Call it revenge for purposefully dropping a board on me and covering me with wallpaper."

...

_Take One_

_"Its spa day. A day to unwind,"_ a soft voice sang as Candace was getting her hair shampooed by two Fireside Girls. Candace hummed happily until some shampoo got into her eyes.

" _It burns!_ "

_Take Two_

Phineas and Ferb struck their final poses as they finished the rap song. Everyone in the studio gaped. "Huh," Heinz said aloud. "I thought you were joking. You really _can_ rap."

Phineas beamed. "Told ya. I just can't do those stupid turntable scratch impressions. You owe me twenty bucks."

Heinz glanced at the director. "Uh...can I have my paycheck early?"

"Sorry. There won't be much left when you replace Francis' pants."

"Drat."

Phineas smiled innocently. "That's okay. Let's just say...you owe me one."

" _Someone give me twenty bucks!_ "


	12. Chronicles of Meap Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Phineas braced his feet against the ground. "It's the bottom of the ninth inning, bases are loaded. It all comes down to this final pitch from Ferb the Curve Fletcher. And the wind up."

Ferb shot the baseball towards Phineas. He used his joystick on the baseball launcher to guide the ball into Phineas' glove. "And it's a striiiyiiiiy—" Phineas stretched out the word 'strike' as the ball came closer. Ferb's hand twitched and the joystick jerked. The ball suddenly slammed into Phineas' open mouth.

Ferb winced. "Sorry!"

"Do you have all your teeth?" the director called.

Phineas gingerly removed the ball from his mouth. "Yeah. They're all there. Wrong time to have a muscle spasm dude."

"All right, back into positions."

"But…" Ferb stared at the ball Phineas held out to him. "It has Phineas slobber on it."

...

_Take One_

Linda stared at her daughter before shrugging. "Well, assuming none of that is teenage code for something I should be worried about as a parent, I'm off."

"Bye Mom!" Candace called and raced for the phone. "I got to call Stacy!"

She clutched her Bango-Ru box in one arm and used the other to whack the collection of books off the coffee table. They flew in all directions, including towards the camera.

Candace yelped as the book crashed into the lens of the nearest camera. "Shoot!"

The cameraman groaned. "You cracked the lens!"

"Am I going to have to pay for that?"

_Take Two_

Candace scattered the books once more. She flinched as one of them smacked Heinz in the eye. " _Ouch!_ "

"Well, stop hanging around my scenes!" she cried. "Someone always ends up getting hurt."

_Take Four_

"I just got mine too," Candace said eagerly into the phone. "He's a cross between a cow and a frog. I'm calling him Señor Frowwg. He's gonna be the cutest thing, you're just going to—"

She yanked out her doll and let out a snort. "You could have warned me this is what it looked like!" She giggled. "Oh man! This is the ugliest thing I've ever seen. Other than Heinz, of course."

" _Hey!_ "

...

"Well you and your little Bango-robot better not show up at the convention and make me look bad," Candace snapped. She turned around to go into the house and stepped on Phineas' baseball launcher. They watched as the ball sailed over the fence and into the parking lot.

The director winced after the sound of shattering glass had passed. "Maybe we should think about shooting the backyard scenes elsewhere."

"Whose car was it this time?" Phineas asked.

Candace stood on her tiptoes and peered overtop the fence. "Francis' car."

" _What?_ "

"Ha!" Heinz shouted.

...

"Good morning Agent P! I wonder what exciting mission we have for you today," Francis said cheerfully.

Instead of scratching Francis' nose like he was supposed to, Carl slapped his face.

"Ow!" Francis shouted. "What was that for?"

"Sorry. I couldn't resist." Carl grinned.

...

"Bango-Ru," Candace muttered as she rode up to meet Stacy. Her bike hit a crack in the sidewalk and she wiped out. "Man! That hurt! Can't we walk to the convention?"

...

"Okay. This thing kind of freaks me out," Phineas muttered. He and Ferb were on break and were staring at the little robot that was Meap. It was indeed super cute and it really did talk. But it was kind of creepy.

"I wonder how this is built." Ferb curiously removed the back panel of the pink and white robot.

Sparks started shooting out from the circuitry and the green-haired boy hastily replaced the cover. He and Phineas scuttled away as the robot malfunctioned. "If anyone asks, it was Heinz's fault," Ferb whispered.

...

"Sure, I still haven't gotten my 'you wouldn't know cute if it bit your legs off' accomplishment patch," Isabella said sarcastically.

Phineas beamed. "Cool! Let's go!" He walked five feet before pausing. "Come on. I can't be _that_ oblivious."

Isabella sighed. "And you ruined a perfectly good scene. Now Ferb is going to have to hit himself in the head with a wrench again."

" _What?"_

...

Perry burrowed his way through the carpet and tried to break himself out. He shoved at the thick material but it would not give. Perry gave a distressed chatter. The director sighed. "Someone grab the scissors. We got a trapped platypus."

...

Heinz thrust his arms out and grinned. "Beholding...keep beholding...still beholding...my arms hurt...can I stop beholding?"

...

Ferb grinned gleefully. The director shook his head warily. "Okay. All you have to do is drive this car down the street. That's it. Can you manage that?"

"Of course." The green-haired boy jumped into the front seat and grabbed the wheel. Everyone groaned and huddled against the buildings lining the street.

"This will not end well," Phineas muttered as Ferb gunned the engine.

_"Action!"_ the director called.

Ferb took off like a speeding bullet. He rushed right past Vanessa and continued heading for the wall at the end of the street.

" _Hit the brakes!_ " the director screamed.

Ferb apparently did not hear him and slammed right into the wall. Smoke spilled from the hood and Phineas jogged over. "Ferb! Buddy, you alright?"

Ferb tumbled from the wrecked car and collapsed in the street. "Something's wrong with the braking mechanism," he muttered.

"No kidding, Sherlock."

...

Candace and Stacy walked into the Bango-Ru convention. Stacy clapped her hands over her eyes. " _Too much colour!_ "

...

"Why do you think Meap is so cute?" Isabella asked irritably. "What is cute anyway?"

"Cute is the opposite of what you are," Phineas replied with a straight face. Isabella glared at him and he grinned. "Come on, that was a golden opportunity."

"If there's ever a scene in a future episode where we have to kiss, I am so eating a lot of garlic and onion-laden food that day," Isabella snapped.

...

Mitch was about to suit up when Phineas jogged by. "Hey, dude. Ready for chaos?"

The actor groaned. "Why do you say that? This is an easy scene!"

Phineas laughed. "You've obviously never been around here before."

...

"Oh, I get it! Duh." Candace slapped her forehead. "You're trying to tell me something!"

Meap stared at her. The baseball he had shot earlier came soaring down, nailing Candace on the head.

"Ouch! Meap!"

"Don't blame the robot, Candace," the director called.

...

"You know when you walk around in socks on carpet and get a little static shock?" Heinz asked as he hurriedly got changed behind a screen. "Well, guess what?" He jumped out with flourish in his carpet suit.

Phineas and Ferb broke into hysterical laughter. They held onto each other in support as tears streamed down their faces. Perry struggled to keep a straight face and failed.

The director scowled. "Get out of here!" he snapped at the two boys.

"Wait, wait!" Ferb pressed a hand over his mouth. "I'm fine! I'll be quiet."

"I can't." Phineas held his stomach as he stumbled off set. "That is too funny. Aw, man."

Heinz was not impressed.

...

Phineas, Ferb and Isabella raced for the doors. They were supposed to slide open automatically so they could run through.

It didn't happen.

The three kids slammed into the firmly shut doors. Phineas rolled over and glared at Mitch. "An easy scene, huh?"

...

"They'll be where the cool stuff is," Candace predicted. The three kids pressed their faces against the glass suddenly, startling Candace. " _Agh!_ Guys! Knock it off!"

...

Heinz gathered all the static electricity he could and grinned manically. He reached out and grabbed the controls. He let out a yelp of pain as he got the biggest shock of his life. " _Ow!_ You didn't tell me that would happen!"

"Well, if I had, you wouldn't have done the scene."

...

"You changed, Balloony!" Heinz cried. "And I thought—"

He broke into giggles and Mitch rolled his eyes. "Do they do that often?"

"Yes," the director said tiredly. "What is it now, Heinz?"

"It's like I'm breaking up with someone. And this someone is a balloon. I'm breaking up with a balloon. Isn't that at all weird?"

"You're in a suit made up of carpet pieces in the shape of a sock. I think we've passed the weirdness stage long ago."

...

Mitch and Meap started their fight scene. Mitch punched Meap and the robot sailed into the wall and broke into a few pieces. "Whoops."

"You're supposed to let the robot win!" the director cried.

"That's not a phrase I thought I'd ever hear," Mitch muttered.

...

Candace stared at the big blob with dozens of eyes. "It's a monster! Run!"

"Actually, it's my mother-in-law. So she's right. Run!"

Phineas and Ferb lagged behind as the others took off. "Wait...if that's his mother-in-law, then who did he marry?"

"Don't picture the possibilities!" the director hollered. "Just run!"


	13. Ballad of Badbeard Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"Where legend has it Badbeard buried his bountiful booty," Clyde said mysteriously.

Phineas tried to keep his expression quizzical. A snort escaped him and he clapped his hands over his mouth. Isabella rolled her eyes and smirked. "It was the word 'booty', wasn't it?"

_Take Two_

"Does anyone have a concertina?" Clyde asked. His eyes strayed to the burly boy sitting beside Baljeet. "Buford?"

"Me?" Buford asked in fake shock. Everyone continued staring at him. He sighed. "Yes." He pulled the instrument from behind his back and went to play. An ear-shattering note pierced the forest air and everyone shrieked in pain.

"Buford!" Baljeet cried as he pressed his hands over his ears. "Stop it!"

"You're attracting bats! And it's the middle of the day!" Isabella shrieked as bats started swarming over them.

"Give me a break! I only had a week of lessons!"

...

"Oh dear. I seem to be missing my underpants," Baljeet sighed.

Buford cackled and pointed at the flagpole. Ferb arched an eyebrow at the slim pair of pink panties. "Uh..."

"Okay, which one of you perverts stole my underwear?" Candace demanded.

"Candace! Buford!" the director cried. “Keep it family-friendly, please!”

...

The group hiked up the steep hill and Baljeet tripped on a rock. He stumbled backwards and rolled all the way back down and into the lake.

"You okay, buddy?" Phineas called down.

Baljeet spluttered as he climbed out of the water. "I am fine. But my underpants are not."

...

"I don't like the looks of my script," Candace said flatly.

"What's up?" Isabella asked.

"In one scene, I have to fall out of a tree and be dragged across a lake."

"Better check up on your medical insurance."

“You know I don’t really have any.”

...

"Candace!" the director cried in exasperation. "Just _fall_!"

The actress clung to the highest branch. She stared fearfully at the ground below. "The mat looks ridiculously small from up here. I might miss!"

"You won't miss!" the director assured her. "Just let go of the branch and fall."

With a groan, Candace complied. She shrieked loudly as she tumbled down, striking branch after branch and getting a few leaves in the face. She braced herself for impact.

The director winced. "Huh. She actually missed."

"Ow."

...

"Perry has a jet-ski?" Candace asked in amazement. "How weird can this get?"

"It gets much weirder, Kevin," the Talking Zebra said cheerfully. Candace stared at him for a moment before screaming as she was lugged across the dock and into the water. Her face gave a sickening crack as it smacked off of the wood.

The director rubbed the back of his neck. "Her nose is bleeding. A lot. Someone get a bandage."

...

"A treasure map?" Buford asked incredulously, briefly distracted from his sword fight with Baljeet.

The Indian boy took advantage of this and swung his stick. His aim was a little lower than he intended and Buford crumpled to the ground, a shrill scream of pain escaping him. Baljeet took a few steps back.

"Well, that was not intentional. But consider it payback for something you will do to me in the future."

...

Candace climbed the boulder, giggling madly and covered in seaweed.

"Oh, gross!" Phineas cried. "What's that? Oh—sorry. It's just your face."

" _Phineas!_ " snapped Candace in annoyance.

...

"We seek adventure and romance!" Isabella proclaimed, hanging on to the rope ladders with one hand. She lost her grip and fell off, toppling into the lake.

"Woman overboard!" Baljeet called.

"Leave her there!" Buford hollered.

...

_Take One_

_"Why do my nostrils whisper to me?"_ Candace sang. She immediately burst into giggles. "Sorry! Sorry."

_Take Fifteen_

_"Why do my_ —he he he." Candace snorted and shook her head. "Man, I can't do this."

The director sighed. "Take a break.”

...

Buford rowed the dingy to the shore. Something sharp pinched his bottom and he yelped, rocketing upwards and splashing into the water.

"Oh for the love of—Buford! What happened?"

"I was sitting on a crab!”

...

"Not all at once!" Phineas cried.

The bridge snapped and they grabbed for the rope railing. Baljeet missed and tumbled to the mat below.

"Oh sure," Candace muttered. "Everyone can land on a safety mat but me.”

"Let it go, Candace," sighed the director.

...

_Take One_

"Perhaps the true treasure is friendship and the spirit of adventure," Baljeet suggested.

"What is this, an afterschool special?" Phineas asked.

Everyone giggled. The director rolled his eyes. "Hilarious."

...

Phineas slowly opened the treasure chest. Purple and green fireworks exploded and lit up the dark cave set. Phineas yelped and scrambled backwards. Isabella and Buford raced off as sparklers strayed too close for their liking. Baljeet yelped as bats swooped down, irritated at being disturbed.

"Thanks for causing the chaos, Heinz,” said the director flatly.

"Anytime."

_Take Three_

Candace stumbled into Heinz's lair, cackling madly. Heinz gasped and moved back a few steps. "The sea hag! She—" He burst into laughter at the same time as Candace.

"What now?" the director groaned.

"This is so weird!" Candace held her stomach. "I can't do this! I won't get through it."

"How am I supposed to keep a straight face?" Heinz asked.

The director closed his eyes. "And here I thought I hired professionals."

...

Agent E swooped down and caught Candace and Perry. The actress' belt snapped and she tumbled to the water below with Perry following behind her.

The director threw his arms in the air. "This is what I get for using real animals and real scenery."

...

"Well Ferb, matey, our first—" Phineas turned to glance at Ferb and snorted. "Dude, why did you pick that beard?"

Ferb stroked the hot pink and purple beard he was wearing. "I wanted to see how difficult I could make this scene for you."

"Change beards, Ferb."

"All right, Mr. Director. Whatever you say."


	14. Summer Belongs to You Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"Mom!" Candace cried into her cell phone. "Do you hear that?"

"I can't hear anything over this road construction," Linda snapped back.

"They built a giant robot in the backyard that's—Phineas, will you turn that thing off?"

Just as Candace uttered her line the robot tripped on the jump rope. Phineas yelped as the giant metal contraption tilted backwards, arms flailing.

" _Timber!_ "

The set vibrated from the crash. Ferb inched up to the robot and poked it. "It's dead."

The director rubbed a hand down his face. "This is the first scene. The first scene and something already broke."

Phineas grinned. "Fun times are ahead."

...

"We built a rollercoaster, travelled through time twice, discovered Atlantis—"

Ferb lost his grip on the book and it fell right onto Phineas' foot. " _Ouch!_ I think you just broke my toe!"

...

"There's the rub. Right next to the ducks. I'm also packing this book of puns," Lawrence said cheerfully. Candace tried to keep a straight face and failed.

Phineas scratched his head off set. "I don't get it."

Ferb rolled his eyes. "The rub is next to the ducks. _Rub_ ber _duck_ ies."

"Ooooh.”

"Dummkopf."

"Hey!"

...

Isabella hammered on Buford's trailer door. "Buford! It's time for our scene!"

An irritated grumbling came from inside. A bout of snoring followed. Isabella put her hands on her hips. "I know it's five in the morning. I'm tired too. But get your lazy butt out here!"

No response.

"All right. I guess we're playing dirty."

Isabella hurried off in search of a bucket and some water. A few minutes later she was perched on Buford's trailer roof, the hatch open. Buford was directly below, slumbering on the couch. Isabella tipped the bucket over and ice-cold water spilled onto Buford. The burly boy yelped in surprise and fell off the couch.

Isabella giggled. "Good morning, Sleeping Beauty."

Buford grunted. "You're gonna get it, Princess."

"Sure. Just get ready before Boss gets _us_."

...

_Take One_

"Yeah. I bet you. And if you lose, you're going to have get up in front of everyone and say that you are governed by the law of physics and law isn't whatever you make it. And what's more—" Buford took a deep breath and hunched over. "Too much dialogue!"

_Take Three_

Baljeet eagerly took out his camera and snapped a picture of Clay Aiken. The flash startled the singer and he fell off the plane's wing.

The director rolled his eyes. "Maybe we'll try it without the flash."

_Take Four_

The gate to the backyard burst open. Instead of Chaka Khan running in like everyone expected, it was Heinz dressed as Ferb, singing in his off-key tone.

Phineas keeled over in laughter. Tears ran down his face as he pounded the grass with his fist. Isabella rolled beside him, giggling madly. "I—can't—breathe!"

Ferb closed his eyes. "I hate you all."

_Take Five_

Clay Aiken sang the last few notes. The plane's wing was supposed to fall off, but it stayed firmly in place. The director threw his hands in the air. "Sure, when we _want_ something to break, it doesn't!"

...

"Hey, Agent P. Major Monogram isn't here right now but he left this note. _Dear Carl, I haven't been kidnapped so—_ "

"I do not sound like that!" Francis complained.

"Shut up! You're supposed to be kidnapped right now! Someone tape his mouth shut!"

"Oh no you don't!"

...

"Ah, there's my bag now!" Heinz exclaimed. He grabbed onto the metal handles of the dolly and tried pulling it off the conveyer belt. He couldn't get it off and was dragged down the conveyer belt. "Help me!"

...

"You're asking me to go to the City of Love with you?" Isabella asked.

"Yeah. It'll be fun."

"Eh, no thanks. I'll wait until someone cooler asks me."

Phineas rolled his eyes and punched her in the shoulder. Ferb pointed at him. "Assault!"

...

The director clasped his hands together as Ferb gunned the engine on the plane. "Don't hit the house, don't the house, don't hit the house!"

Right on cue the house lowered and safe from the destructive force of his child actors and actresses. The director threw his arms in the air in victory. "Hallelujah!"

...

"It sucks that we don't have an actual jet plane to fly," Phineas said with a sigh.

Candace rolled her eyes. "Who cares? We actually get to go to Tokyo and Paris! And a deserted island in the middle of nowhere!"

"Please," the director begged as they filed through the security check at the airport. "Don't start an international incident."

...

"Are we allowed to do this?" Vanessa asked. She stared at the massive water balloon tied to the top of the Tokyo Tower.

"It took a lot of begging and negotiating," the director remarked. "But we got it."

"This will end well."

...

Bright colours flashed throughout the street of Tokyo. The Stacy look-a-likes danced wildly, their hands flapping and the lyrics coming out of their mouths barely distinguishable. Candace lost control and fell to the ground, laughing hysterically.

"This is so ridiculous!"

"I am getting a headache!" Baljeet moaned and rubbed his head. "Someone stop flashing the lights."

"They have stopped."

"Oh, great."

...

Vanessa leaned over the railing of the Tokyo Tower. She texted lazily while everyone got ready for their scene.

" _Boo!_ "

Vanessa yelped and jumped. Her phone flew from her hands and fell below. She watched in dismay as it shattered against the cement. "Heinz!"

Heinz backed up a few steps. "Parley?"

...

"You want me to get knocked off of Tokyo Tower?" Vanessa asked in disbelief.

The director sighed. "You'll land in a safety net. We'll shoot the part where you land on the plane later and edit it all together. You'll be fine."

"You say that to Candace and she gets hurt. You say that to Heinz and he gets hurt," Vanessa pointed out.

"They have terrible luck."

The teen reluctantly agreed to do the scene. She had a cell phone to replace and needed a paycheck to do it. She braced herself as the water balloon swung and knocked her clean into the air. She screamed as she sailed over the railing and landed in the safety net.

Heinz stared down in amazement. "Now see, if I had done that, the net would have ripped and I would have fallen to my doom."

"Can I please get untied now?" Francis whined. "I can't feel my arms."

...

"I have to save my daughter!" Heinz exclaimed. "It's a big deal."

The water balloon slammed into him and he went sprawling. "Ouch!"

Francis laughed. "Ha! That's hilarious! _Agh!_ It's coming right at me! _Move me Perry the Platypus!_ "

...

"Yeah, Klimpaloon. The magic, old-timey bathing suit that lives in the Himalayas," Phineas informed.

Candace stared at him. "Who writes this stuff?"

"I don't know. I read it, I somewhat memorize it and I get paid. I don't really question it any further."

...

"Are you kids ready?" the director asked.

The crew, all bundled up in coats and scarves, were standing at the top of a massive ski hill. The kids were packed into the wingless plane. Baljeet rubbed his bare arms and scowled. "Why do we not get scarves?"

"Because you didn't travel with coats or scarves," the director answered. "Now when I say action, you're going to be sliding down this mountain and over the gorge. Don’t worry, it’s shallow, but we’ll edit in depth in post-production."

"We are going to die," Vanessa said flatly. "Why can't we get stunt people to do it?"

"He has issues with giving us stunt people," Candace muttered bitterly.

The director closed the glass cover so that it encased the group of children. "Get ready. And don't forget to scream."

"You won't have to worry about that." Isabella leaned against her red seat. "Brace yourselves, guys."

Everyone got into position. " _Action!_ "

Right on cue the body of the plane slid down the hill. Snow flew in all directions and the kids screamed loudly. They soared over the gorge and twirled in the air. Isabella tumbled out of her seat and jostled Baljeet, who fell forwards and accidently hit the ejection button. Buford shrieked as he was shot out of the plane and into a mound of snow.

The director sighed. "We'll have to do it again. Come on guys. Wear your seatbelts."

"I'm okay," Buford snapped sarcastically. "Thanks for asking."

...

"So Candace. What is Ferb short for?" Vanessa asked.

"Doofus-Face."

"That doesn't even make sense!" cried Ferb from off set.

...

The musical number for _Rubber Bands, Rubber Balls_ ended and they struck into their final poses. Phineas glanced up at Baljeet's uncle and opened his mouth. "Uh...shoot. I forgot my line."

"I want you to take notice of something." The director crossed his arms. "The guest dancers pulled this scene off perfectly. You had one line through this whole scene and you mess it up. I don't understand."

Phineas grinned sheepishly. "I've been taking acting lessons from Heinz."

"Shut up!” yelled Heinz.

...

"Here's your parachute, mask and goggles."

"Wow you have everything. Can I have a cup of hot chocolate—?"

Francis pressed the ejection button and Heinz went flying. Perry chattered in amusement when Heinz missed the mountain completely and landed in the freezing lake. Francis laughed. "Someone better thaw him out."

The director threw his hands in the air. "He missed. He missed a _mountain_. Are we cursed?"

...

They were shooting the scenes that would be shown with the song _Bouncing Around the World._ Phineas and Ferb popped up from behind the seats with pizza and spaghetti. Candace couldn't stop the snort. "Okay, now he really _does_ look like Luigi."

" _Candace!_ " snapped the director.

...

Baljeet dug his fork into the spaghetti he was sharing with Buford. He slurped at a noodle and froze when he came to the realization that Buford was at the other end of the noodle. He grinned nervously. Instead of slamming the plate of spaghetti over his head like he was supposed to Buford gave Baljeet a loud, short kiss.

" _Ugh!_ " Baljeet tumbled out of the plane and landed on the floor of the green screen. " _Mouthwash! Disinfectant! Mints! Toothpaste! Something!_ "

Phineas held his stomach and laughed hysterically. "Dude!"

Buford shrugged. "I had to."

Ferb high-fived him. "Did you see his _face_?"

...

"We're in Paris," the director informed his cast as they filed out of the airport. "We're going to be here for a couple of days. _Please_ don't start an international incident."

Phineas rolled his eyes. "You're overreacting. We can't cause that much trouble."

"I beg to differ."

...

Vanessa rode up on a scooter. "Hop on, Ferb."

"You rented a scooter!" Phineas exclaimed. "Good job."

"Yeah...rented." The Goth teen tried speeding off again but the scooter would not budge. "It's busted.”

"Vanessa, you took the key out," informed Phineas with a grin.

"Oh. Stop laughing, Ferb!"

...

"There he is! Jer—" Candace froze as she watched someone hand Jeremy an ice-cream cone. They all giggled and Candace quickly hid behind the metal post.

"Hey, stalker!" Jeremy called. "Want some ice-cream?"

Candace rolled her eyes and smirked at him. "You only have a few lines. And you chose to mess them up. Do you want a paycheck this week?"

Jeremy glanced at the director's irritated expression. "Sorry. I'll behave."

...

_Take One_

" _Why don't you stop and smell the flowers?"_ Isabella sang as she received a bouquet from the florist. She went to sniff them and squealed when a bee flew up at her. " _Ouch!_ It stung my nose!"

Phineas clapped his hands. "Does that mean we can take a break and go pastry shopping?"

_Take Two_

" _How do I look in this beret?"_ Isabella turned around with a purple beret on her head. Phineas stared at her.

"Ugly."

At her smoldering glare he took a few steps back. "There's not a kiss scene in this special, is there? I think I saw her eating garlic bread for lunch."

...

"Ferb?" Vanessa asked curiously. She turned her attention back to the scenery in front of her. Heinz shot upwards and accidently smacked heads with her.

"Ouch!" Vanessa yelped. "Geez! Way to make an entrance!"

"It's about time you got here!" the director snapped. "You were supposed to be here yesterday!"

"Well, I would have, but..."

Francis grinned. "He got arrested."

When Heinz went to explain the director shook his head. " _No!_ I don't care. I have a feeling I don't want to know. Perfect timing, anyway. We were going to add you in later. All right, back from the beginning."

...

_Take One_

"That's too bad," Phineas said sympathetically. "I just thought, you know, a boy, a girl, alone in the City of Love. I thought romance was a foregone conclusion."

Isabella reared back and punched him in the shoulder.

"Ow!" he whined.

"That was for calling me ugly."

"That was in good humour!" Phineas cried.

"And so was the punch." Isabella smiled sweetly. "Shall we go again?"

_Take Three_

"I'm Candace Flynn! Lifeguard! Time traveller!" Candace scaled the engine and her foot slipped. She toppled into the water and yelled in frustration. _"Every time!"_

…

"We were in Paris!" Isabella quavered. "The most romantic city in the world! And he didn't even notice me." She blew her nose loudly and suddenly burst into giggles.

"The laughing defeats the emotional purpose of the scene, Isabella," the director said tiredly.

"Sorry. I just got a sudden flashback of Buford planting one on Baljeet."

" _Never again!_ " wailed Baljeet.

...

"Look!" Phineas cried, digging a sponge and a starfish out of the sand. "SpongeBob and Patrick! Maybe they can help us!"

"Stop breaking the fourth wall!" the director shouted.

...

Ferb removed the map from his pocket and it started to expand. It covered the entire area and the cast, who were too slow to get out of the way.

"Careful when you're climbing out!" the director cautioned. "Do you know how long it took the props department to make that?"

...

"You actually want us to jump the ditch?" Candace asked in disbelief. "And I'm on a tricycle."

"You'll—"

"Do fine," Candace muttered. "Sure, whatever."

Everyone stood at the top of the hill on their bikes. " _Action!_ " the director called.

The kids sped down the hill. "We'll never make it!" Candace cried.

"You just have to believe!" Phineas shouted.

"I believe!" Isabella cheered.

"I believe!" Baljeet agreed.

"I believe!" Buford bellowed.

Ferb flashed a thumbs up.

Candace swallowed. "Okay, I—" Her front wheel hit a crack in the sidewalk and she wiped out. "I don't believe this."

...

_Take One_

"Hey Candace!"

"Jeremy!" Candace cried and ran up to him. "You came back early."

"I missed my girlfriend."

Candace grinned. "I like the sound of that."

"And besides, you forgot something in France."

"I did? What?"

Jeremy leaned forwards and kissed her. Candace immediately started laughing. Jeremy pulled back and grinned. "This is so awkward."

"You have to do it!" the director said warningly.

Candace giggled. "Okay, okay."

_Take Ten_

"And besides, you forgot something in France."

"I did? What?"

Jeremy leaned in a little before laughing. "Oh man. We're never gonna get this done."

_Take Fifty_

"I did? What?"

This time the kiss went successfully. The director threw his hands in the air. "Amen!"

Phineas tugged on his arm. "Boss? The lens cap was on the camera."

" _What?_ "

"Just kidding!" Phineas laughed. "You should have seen your face—which is now turning purple. Well, see ya'll later!"

Ferb shook his head as the director chased Phineas around the Flynn-Fletcher backyard set. "There's no business like show business."


	15. Vanessassary Roughness Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"Dad," Vanessa snapped in annoyance. "I can't keep riding on the back of your scooter. It's embarrassing!"

The second she finished her line the scooter jolted harshly to the right and the riders were sent sprawling to the pavement. Vanessa's helmet-covered head smacked off the concrete and stars flashed across her vision for a brief moment. "Ow."

"What happened?" the direction asked.

One of the crew members inspected the scooter. "It's a flat. Must have run over a piece of glass or something."

"Okay, you fix it and I'll just take a nap," Heinz said dazedly and curled up on the hot sidewalk.

Phineas leaned towards Ferb. "Go get a glass of warm water. I know what we're gonna do to Heinz today!"

...

Vanessa and Heinz drove by the Flynn-Fletcher vehicle. Ferb turned to look out the window and his eyes grew wide upon seeing Vanessa.

"Ferb's got a girlfriend, Ferb's got a girlfriend!"

"Knock it off, Candace!" Ferb snapped.

...

"Wow, think of it, Ferb, fifty-two million, six hundred and thirty-seven thousand square acres of unbridled consumerism all under one roof," Phineas said in awe.

Ferb attempted to whistle but all that came out were globs of spit. Phineas wrinkled his nose. "Nice one, dude."

"They didn't teach how to whistle on cue at acting school!" Ferb protested.

"For the last time, going to drama camp for _one_ summer does _not_ mean you have the right to say you went to acting school!"

...

"Come on," Phineas coaxed the dog. "Drop the dumb computerized bone so Perry can get his stupid mission!"

But the dog didn't relinquish the piece of technology. Rather than dropping the bone in front of Perry like he was supposed to the mutt just slobbered over it cheerfully. Phineas sighed. "I'm not getting much of a reaction. He doesn’t have the same freaky intelligence like Perry."

"Then take it from him!" the director snapped.

"Then we'll be playing tug of war with a five-hundred-dollar piece of equipment. It'll either break beyond repair or it'll be fine. Take your pick."

"I did not think this scene through," the director sighed.

"No," Phineas agreed. "No you did not."

...

Perry raced to the middle of a men's clothing section and glanced around. He froze upon seeing his owners coming so close and went to disguise himself.

"Hey, look Ferb! There's Perry! Hi Perry!" Phineas waved dramatically and Ferb grinned.

Perry rolled his eyes and smirked.

"Are you going on a mission?" Ferb played along.

The platypus nodded.

"Then let's go kick the crap outta Doofenshmirtz!" Phineas hollered and the two boys raced after the agent.

The director stared at the ceiling. "Kids and animals. Never work with kids and animals. Especially kids and animals that are smart a—"

"Whoa," his producer cautioned. "Family-friendly environment here."

...

Vanessa stared in confusion at the projector. "Where did you get the—?"

"It's gone!" Heinz cried and swung his arm out to point at the empty display case. He accidently hit Vanessa in the nose. The girl stumbled back and groaned. "Sorry!"

"Why is it someone always gets hurt when they're with you?" Vanessa asked.

Heinz shook his head. "Sweetie, this is the Phineas and Ferb studio. _Everyone_ gets injured, physically and emotionally, in the Phineas and Ferb studio."

...

"What luck!" Baljeet exclaimed. "With Pizzazium Infinionite that science prize is as good as mine!"

The Indian boy accidently let go of the item and it slammed into the ground. Baljeet gulped nervously and sidestepped the glass shards. "Was that expensive?"

"Let's just say you won't be getting much of a paycheck this week."

"Nuts," Baljeet sighed sadly.

...

"I can do it!" Vanessa said eagerly. "I can get this pizza thing for you and I'll prove I'm responsible."

"But I don't want pizza. I want my Pizzazium Infinionite." Heinz grinned.

Vanessa scowled. "I'm hungry! Leave me alone."

...

_Take One_

"You can't just expect the perfect gift to fall out of the sky," Stacy pointed out.

"Yeah but—" Candace extended her hands outwards and the Pizzazium Infinionite missed, slamming onto Stacy's head.

"I don't feel good," Stacy mumbled.

"Medic!" the director hollered. "I can’t believe you missed, Buford.”

_Take Three_

"When Jeremy looks into its bright glow, he'll think of me," Candace said dreamily. "Hey, what's this?"

The box in her hands exploded. A cloud of flour surrounded them and the two shrieked and started hacking. "It's in my lungs!" Stacy wheezed.

"It's in my eyes!" Candace cried.

The director rubbed his eyes. "Buford, are you _trying_ to kill my actresses?"

"No. I'm trying to annoy them."

"Well, it's working," hissed Candace.

...

"Ferb, I think I know what I want to do every day," Phineas sighed contently.

The green-haired boy glanced at the massage chair settings and twisted the dial to the highest one. The chair Phineas was on started shaking madly. The redhead was thrust from side to side and he screamed in panic. " _Ferb! Turn it down!”_

...

"Gotta get it, gotta get it, gotta get it," Baljeet chanted as he and Buford sped across the mall in a shopping cart. Ferb jumped up and went to tackle Vanessa out of the way. He's timing was off and they both got plowed into. The cart turned over and the group rolled on the ground.

"Agonizing pain," Ferb groaned and held his side.

"Where's our hazard pay?" Buford demanded, holding his bloody nose. "I think I broke my nose. And my ribs. And my butt. _Stop laughing, Dinner Bell._ "

...

"That lantern was the perfect gift," Candace sighed. She walked a little further than she was supposed to.

"Candace—" Stacy started to warn but it was too late.

The cart flew by and there was a sickening _crunch._ Candace slowly lowered to the ground and closed her eyes.

The director threw his clipboard aside. "Screw it. Tell the broadcasting station this episode won't be airing for another few more months."

"The reason?" his assistant asked.

"We're cursed."

...

Perry tipped over a bucket of marbles and the cart skidded over them. Baljeet yelped in panic as the cart careened towards the shelves. "Brace yourselves!"

Buford squeezed his eyes shut. The impact jolted them both and Baljeet watched in awe as a domino effect was created, each shelf taking down the next one. "Well, we are alive."

Perry scratched his head and shrugged. The blame couldn't be on him. He did what he was supposed to have done.

"I hate my job," the director muttered.

...

_Take One_

Vanessa raced up the stack of crates and jumped for the Pizzazium Infinionite. She missed and struck the ground below. "Ouch."

_Take Two_

Ferb jumped on the trampoline and shot for the hanging crate. Instead of landing on top of it he slammed right into its side.

"Everyone's medical insurance is going through the roof this month," Vanessa sighed. "Hang on, Ferb. I'll get the first-aid kit."

_Take Five_

Ferb extended his arms to catch Vanessa. He managed to do so but he couldn't support the weight and they fell to the ground. "Good job."

"You're heavy!" Ferb protested.

"I'm _what?_ " Vanessa shrieked.

"Backtrack!" Phineas hollered. "Stick your foot in your mouth! Compliment her! Give her chocolate!"

"I'm only ten!" Ferb explained before Vanessa could blow a gasket. "How am I supposed to support a sixteen-year-old?"

Vanessa harrumphed. "Fine. Whatever."

"That's how to get out of the doghouse!" Phineas cheered.

_Take Seven_

Vanessa swallowed nervously and slid between the two shelving units. She made it a quarter of the way down before she stopped sliding. "Uh...guys? I'm stuck!"

...

_Take One_

"I will take that!" Baljeet grinned triumphantly and snatched the Pizzazium Infinionite from Vanessa. The cart sped down the aisle and Candace and Stacy were in quick pursuit on roller skates. Vanessa hung back and watched warily as the speeding lawnmower joined the chase.

The cart suddenly flipped over and the two boys were thrown out. Candace and Stacy tripped over the cart and went sprawling into the wall. The lawnmower started sparking and smoking as it struggled to go over the metal cart.

"Better the cart then me," Candace muttered.

_Take Two_

"Here we go," Candace groaned nervously. She and Stacy were struggling on the escalators and Baljeet and Buford sped towards them. The two girls ended up in the cart with the boys and they all braced themselves.

The cart squealed to a halt and the kids were thrown out. The director closed his eyes.

"Right through the window."

...

Ferb frantically searched through his Swiss Army knife for the scissors. He was too slow and he was forced to jump off the escalator to avoid the blades of the lawnmower. There was the horrifying sound of grinding gears as the lanterns got sucked in.

Vanessa stared as her dummy got eaten up. "Well. I'm very glad you decided to edit the real me in later."

The director shook his head. "With the problems we've been having with this episode, I decided not to risk anything. Good thing too, or else you would have been killed. And how am I going to explain _that_ to _my_ bosses? _Oh yes, there was a slight mishap on set. One of my actresses got killed by a lawnmower._ Yeah. I don't think so."


	16. Ready for the Bettys Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"We are giving free tickets away to anyone who wants to see our girl rockers the Bettys," the radio announcer boomed.

Candace and Stacy looked at each other excitedly and screamed. The window pane behind them cracked right down the middle.

"Aw, come on!" the director complained. "The day just started!"

_Take Three_

"Oh, it's busy!" Candace complained, glaring at her cell phone. "I've just gotta win. Clearly, I'm your biggest fan. See, even my Betty boom box which rests on my Betty bedside table next to my Betty bed runs on Betty batteries."

"Obsession rocks!" Stacy cheered, pulling on her hair in excitement.

"I know," Candace agreed. "Ooh! It's ringing!"

Stacy started biting her fingernails nervously. "Ouch! I bit my finger!"

Candace lowered her cell phone and peered at the injury. "Looks like you broke through the skin."

"Am I going to need a tetanus shot?" Stacy asked anxiously.

The director pressed a hand to his forehead. "Save me now."

...

_Take One_

The two girls headed towards the purple bus parked outside the Flynn-Fletcher house. "I bet the bus driver is a spaced-out rocker," Stacy said eagerly.

The bus doors slid open. "H-Hello, girls. My name is Dennis, and I'm with the radio station."

A pig resting behind the seat snorted. "That is Sir Bacon, the band's mascot. According to our focus groups, girls your age overwhelmingly find that cool."

Before the girls could reply, the pig suddenly perked up and barreled towards them. Candace shrieked as the pig knocked her to the ground and sat on her chest, snorting. Stacy grinned. "I didn't think you smelled too great either. I think you found your life-mate."

"Shut up," Candace wheezed. "And get porkchop off me. He's crushing my chest."

_Take Two_

"Check this out," Crash muttered to her band mates. She got up and slung an arm around Candace. Immediately she pulled it back. "Ouch! I scratched myself on your choker."

Candace gingerly prodded it. "It's a stupid costume idea, isn't it? I tried telling them."

"I suggested it," Crash muttered.

Stacy winced as Candace turned red. "Awkward."

...

_Take One_

"Hey, where's Perry?" Phineas asked, glancing around the yard. "Huh. I wonder where he goes when we can't find him." He leaned against the tree and yelped as he fell through the papier-mâché prop.

"What is this?" Ferb asked, poking it. "What happened to the tree with the secret hatch?"

"That is a very good question." The director stood up and surveyed his workers. "Okay. Who's the wise guy that replaced our fancy tree with this cheap one?"

Heinz grinned sheepishly. "Me."

"Why?"

"I kind of broke the other one."

" _You kind of broke the other one?_ " the director cried. "How?"

Heinz tugged at his collar. "Uh...it involves Perry the Platypus, Norm and a dare—"

"Never mind!" the director said quickly. "Never mind. We'll just get the fancy tree fixed and move on."

Phineas climbed out from the hole he had made. "You know, I kind of want to know what happened."

Ferb shook his head. "It would probably be best if we stayed in the dark. If he explains, we might be traumatized for life."

_Take Two_

"Wow. What in the world? A secret underground headquarters with a particle disruptor and, oh, a hovercraft," Phineas exclaimed as he looked around. "Okay, wait, hold it. Are we really going to be so oblivious that we don't notice everything is platypus themed?"

The director arched an eyebrow. "You're Phineas Flynn, the guy completely clueless about Isabella's obvious crush on you."

"All right, carry on."

_Take Four_

"Sweet!" Phineas cheered. "We got our mission, Agent F. To the hover jet."

The boys raced for the white and teal vehicle and jumped in. Phineas floored the gas and they took off-right through the wall.

"That's going to cost me a pretty penny," the director sighed. "Why can't I have actors that don't have road rage?"

...

Candace took the letter Stacy handed her. "Ahem. 'Beloved Bettys, your band is the biggest, baddest, most bangin' buncha—' Hey, this is my letter. They didn't even read it," she complained.

Stacy shrugged and peeled open another envelope. "Yeah, but don't forget. We are on the bus helping the band write a song." She leaned over the shredder and fed the envelope to it. "Candace! _Candace!_ My shirt is caught in the shredder!"

...

Candace stared nervously at the road below her as the bus sped down the road. _I really want a stunt double._ "You know, Stacy, I'm beginning to think that The Bettys have just been taking advantage of us this whole time."

Before Stacy could respond the ropes holding Candace to the bus snapped. The redhead shrieked as she slammed into the cement. The bus squealed to a stop.

"Are you okay Candace?" the director asked, crossing the road and towards the actress.

"No! I landed on a raccoon."

...

Heinz cackled. "Heh-heh. My automatic tennis ball server can go all night, Perry the Plat—"

Perry the Platypus spun the tennis machine around. Instead of aiming for the –Inator, it pointed at Heinz and a tennis ball struck him right between the legs. Perry winced and chattered an apology.

"Not cool, man," Heinz wheezed. "Not cool."

...

Candace glared at the rock band. "You've just been using us this whole trip. Is this how you treat your fans? It should be your fans that inspire you to make music. If you can't see that by now, then drop me off at the next Betty Bus Stop."

In the bus bathroom, Stacy burst into laughter.

"Come on, Stacy! I had a real emotional moment going!" Candace cried.

...

_Take One_

"He fainted!" Candace cried. The bus jolted and Candace toppled over. Instead of landing in the seat, her head cracked off of the window. "Ow."

_Take Two_

"Grab the Betty Emergency brake!" Stacy cried.

Candace gripped the brake and pulled with all her might. "It—won't—come—off!"

...

"Curse you, Perry the Plat—oof. Bleah. Curse you, Perry the Plat—oof." Heinz spat out the mops as they landed in his mouth. "This is really—oof. Bleah. Uncomfortable."

"The take will be over soon, and those are clean mops," the director promised.

His assistant sidled up to him. "Uh...the prop guy grabbed the wrong bucket of mops."

" _The wrong bucket of mops?_ " Heinz cried.

...

"Way to go, Candace!" Crash squealed and wrapped her arms around Candace. "Ouch! I did it again! You're right, that choker was a stupid costume idea."

...

Isabella shot up in surprise when Phineas and Ferb landed in her pool. "Hey, Phineas. Seriously—" She burst into giggles.

The director sighed. "You have one line in this entire episode, Isabella. Come on."

...

"Oh, what a great day," Linda sighed happily and pulled her pie out of the oven. "Not one phone call from Candace with some crazy, unbelievable story—"

Phineas and Ferb rushed in just as Linda tripped. The pie flew through the air and slammed into Phineas' face.

Ferb smirked as Phineas hastily whipped the steaming dessert off of his face. "What a sticky situation."


	17. Unfair Science Fair Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Isabella walked into the Flynn-Fletcher backyard. Phineas smiled at her. "Oh, hi, Isabella."

"Hey, Phineas," Isabella greeted. "You might wanna go check up on Baljeet. I was walking by his house and heard him scream 'Aiiieeee! I'm doomed to be an incompetent flunky forever'."

A second of silence followed. Phineas grinned. "Is your echo broken?"

Isabella slapped her forehead. "Shoot! I thought I was forgetting something. I'll get it this time."

"Wait, I have a question." Ferb crossed his arms. "How come Isabella didn't greet me?"

The director rolled his eyes as the other two laughed. "Save your wit for later, Ferb. All right Isabella, go again."

...

_Take One_

"Baljeet!" Phineas called. "It's Phineas and Ferb." The redhead pushed open Baljeet's bedroom door and peered inside. "Why—?"

" _Boo!_ "

Baljeet jumped out from behind the door and Phineas yelped in fright. The Indian boy giggled and Phineas punched him in the shoulder. "Dude! Not cool."

_Take Two_

Baljeet waited for Phineas to say his lines. He sat in the middle of his bedroom floor and after a moment of silence he frowned and got up. "Phineas?" Baljeet headed for the door. "It is your line!"

He swung open the door and Phineas lurched at him. " _Rawr!_ "

Baljeet screamed and tripped to the floor. Phineas burst into laughter and the director groaned. "Come on guys. Be serious."

_Take Three_

"Baljeet! It's Phineas and Ferb. Why are all the lights off?"

Baljeet sighed sadly as his two friends entered his room. "Darkness is a shroud that hides my shame."

Phineas blinked and flicked the light switch. The room stayed dark. "Uh..."

"You broke the switch. Good going," Ferb drawled.

...

Mr. McGillicuddy arched an eyebrow as he studied Baljeet's blueprints. "A portal to Mars? Your plans are very interesting, but where's GLaDOS?"

Baljeet smirked. "Nice one."

...

"Elephants!" Phineas exclaimed as the large animals were brought on set. "You want elephants for the _Baliwood_ number?"

"All you have to do is stand on its back," the director instructed. "That's it. You know the dance and the song. You'll be fine."

"You say that now," Ferb muttered as he and his two companions cautiously climbed onto the elephant's back.

The three actors waited for the soundtrack to start up. Phineas waited for his cue and sang, _"I know what we are going to do today! Ferb and I are—"_

The elephant swung its head and Phineas lost his balance. Baljeet yelped as the trunk slammed into him and he toppled to the ground. Ferb winced and hastily jumped off. "Best idea you've ever had."

"Knock it off Ferb," the director snapped.

...

Baljeet hammered a nail into a piece of wood. Phineas corrected his technique as he passed and Baljeet went to deliver a final blow.

" _Ouch!_ "

Phineas glanced over his shoulder. "Did you hit your thumb with the hammer?"

"Yes," Baljeet whimpered.

...

Candace smiled sheepishly. "Yep. Yep, they definitely are working. I...I...just bought these for my dad and was just...uh, you know, making sure that they work, and they sure do. You can see really far away or really up close." She spotted a colourful sign and lowered her binoculars. "Help Wanted?"

Jeremy grinned. "Yeah! You should apply. Then we could work together."

"You mean side by side?" Candace asked in awe.

A girl raced up to the counter and accidently knocked into Candace. The redhead hit the ground and the girl winced. "Sorry! I guess I was too enthusiastic."

"It's all right, Wendy." Candace rubbed her side. "You know you should really consider playing hockey or football. You got one heck of a body check."

...

_Take One_

Perry climbed along the truck and swung through the open window. He got into a fighting stance and started snickering. Heinz slammed his head against the wheel. "We are never going to get through this."

_Take Two_

"I suppose you're wondering why I'm wearing lederhosen," Heinz drawled. Perry glared at him. "What? I've the legs for it."

Perry struggled to keep a straight face and Heinz couldn't hold back his giggles. "I'm sorry, but I can't take myself seriously in this."

...

Candace grabbed a bottle of ketchup and frantically started dressing her hot dogs. "Hey!" she cried. "No fair! I ran out of ketchup!" She gave the bottle a mighty squeeze and a glob shot out and splattered onto Wendy. "Oops. Well, now I'm out of ketchup."

Wendy scowled and picked up the mustard bottle. Candace yelped as the yellow condiment sprayed all over her clothes. "Oops. Now I'm out of mustard."

The two girls started attacking each other with condiments. After a while both girls burst into helpless laughter and collapsed on the floor.

The director threw his arms in the air. "Great. Now we gotta clean all this up, get new condiments and try again. This is why we don't put food fights in your episodes, people."

...

"It's gotta work!" Mr. McGillicuddy cried, yanking hard on the lever to the portal. "It's gotta work!" The lever snapped off. "Whoops."

...

Isabella munched on her corndog. "I just can't believe you built a portal to Mars and—"

The piece of corndog she was chewing went down the wrong way and she started coughing. Phineas pounded her back until the Mexican-Jewish girl managed to spit out the glob of corndog.

"Geez. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Isabella rasped, rubbing her throat and giving a few more coughs. "That was attractive, wasn't it?"

Ferb grinned. "I think you should win an award for that. It was most entertaining."

Isabella rolled her eyes. "I'm glad my pain brings you joy."

Wendy stared at the child actors and actress in disbelief from off set. "Is everyone like this?"

The director smiled slightly. "Most of the time. And they're a pain in the butt. But they love each other. They just show it in a very twisted way."

The studio door swung open. Everyone turned to stare at Candace as she walked on set wearing her bathrobe and clutching a towel. "Which one of you jerks switched my shampoo with hot pink hair dye?" she asked dangerously.

Phineas and Ferb burst into laughter and started running. Candace took off after them and the director shook his head. "See what I mean?"

And Wendy has not been to the Phineas and Ferb studio since then.


	18. Unfair Science Fair Redux Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"Am I that bad to hang out with?" Candace asked in depression as she shuffled along the sidewalk, rolling her bike beside her. Her phone buzzed and she perked up. "Ooh! A text message! From Stacy! _You are_ _a jerk,"_ she read. "Gee, thanks."

_Take Two_

"It feels like I don't exist anymore," Candace said sadly as she stared at her reflection in a bird bath. "Like I'm a nobody."

Ferb snuck up behind the teenager and gave her a shove. Candace toppled into the bird bath and he laughed.

"What is wrong with you?" Candace spluttered, pushing her wet hair away from her face.

"Sorry, Candace. But Phineas said he'd give me twenty-five bucks if I'd do it."

"I'll give you thirty bucks to humiliate him," Candace bargained. "In any way, shape and form."

"Deal!" Ferb grinned wickedly and took off.

The director shook his head. "I feel sorry for Phineas right now."

...

"What are you guys up to?" Candace demanded.

Baljeet crossed his arms. "You cannot just wander into my house like a creeper."

"What is this, Pick on Candace Day?"

...

Phineas, Ferb and Baljeet pretended that Candace was really looking out at them from Mars. "Welcome to Mars," Phineas said cheerfully.

Candace's eyes widened. "Mars?!" she cried.

The portal in front of them blew up. Smoke filled the set and little patches of fire were sprouting up. Candace dashed from in front of the green screen to join her co-actors in getting off set. "What was _that?"_

"Who's the moron that went crazy with the explosives?" the director demanded as several crew members came running forward with fire extinguishers.

"Take your pick," his assistant said dryly.

"All right. _Phineas!_ This is your fault!"

"Wait, what?" the redhead cried.

...

"Perry the Platypus, what's up?" Heinz asked curiously as Perry burst through his door. "Oh, are you here to...? Oh, no, no. I'm running a little behind."

Perry glanced at Heinz's blueprints and snorted.

"What's so funny?" the director demanded. He got up and went to see what Heinz had been colouring. "Hilarious."

"What is it?" Phineas asked from off set.

"A cartoon of you and Ferb getting eaten by a shark."

...

_Take One_

"Stupid Rover," Candace hissed. She kicked the machine and crumpled to the ground. "Ow...my foot."

_Take Three_

"That's what I thought," Candace muttered as she glared at the destroyed Rover.

A Martian scuttled out from behind the rocks and poked at the Rover. Candace's genuine look of surprise turned into laughter. "Sorry! But I didn't know they would look like that!"

"It is hot in here!" the person inside the costume complained.

Candace helped the actor take off the head and grinned. "Baljeet?"

The Indian boy wiped the sweat from his forehead. "Sadly."

"What other poor souls do you have in these suits?"

"Our Fireside Girl actresses and a couple other of our child actors. Children are the only ones who can fit into the suit and hey, most of you are already on my payroll. Why pay money for extra child actors?" the director reasoned.

"Cheapskate," Baljeet muttered.

...

"Hey, look!" Baljeet exclaimed. "It is us in the future fixing the portal."

"Inception," Phineas remarked.

...

_Take One_

The group of aliens scuttled into the throne room and tossed Candace into the chair. They used too much force and the chair tipped over with Candace in it. The redhead groaned. "Thanks guys. Don't bother helping me up or anything like that."

_Take Two_

"You guys don't know what music is?" Candace asked in surprise. "Well, it's like this."

She grabbed a nearby alien's antenna and started strumming a tune. The alien burst into giggles and Candace rolled her eyes. "Isabella, is that you?"

"Sorry, sorry. I'll get it next time, I promise."

"Sure you will," the director muttered.

_Take Four_

_"You put a crown on my head and you all seemed to worship me,"_ Candace sang as the aliens carried her across the Mars landscape. Baljeet tripped on a rock and everyone toppled to the ground. Candace scowled. "I'd like to point out that this is the second time this has happened. Am I heavy or something?"

"You said it," Baljeet muttered. He yelped as Candace started attacking him with her shoe. "I take it back! I take it back!"

...

"Woo-hoo!" Phineas cheered. "Follow that music Ferb!"

Ferb hit the gas on their vehicle and they sped forwards.

"Hold it!" the director shouted. "You're going the wrong way!"

Ferb hit the brakes and Phineas surveyed the Mars set. "I knew we should have taken a left turn at Albuquerque."

...

The aliens babbled and pointed to a Rover. Candace smiled. "Okay, what the heck?"

She kicked it and grabbed onto a nearby alien for support. "You'd think I'd have learned from the first time," she wheezed.

...

_Take One_

"Hey Candace!" Phineas greeted as he and Ferb rolled up. His eyes landed on the aliens and he burst into laughter.

"They're not that funny looking!" the director exclaimed.

"Yes they are," Phineas giggled. "Phew, sorry. I'm prepared now."

"Kids," the director scoffed.

_Take Two_

"Hey Candace!"

"Phineas? Ferb?" Candace asked in surprise.

"No. It's Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny," Ferb drawled. "Of course it's us!"

Phineas snorted. "Chill on the sarcasm before Boss blows a gasket."

Ferb turned to his red-faced boss. "Yes sir, sorry sir!" He mock-saluted the director and backed the vehicle up.

...

"You…you…take the list and cross things off as we go. Should we get something for later, like...like...one of those big pickles or a three-bean salad?" Heinz asked as he pushed the shopping cart along.

His cart slammed into Francis' with more force than intended. Carl's head knocked into Francis' and both cried out in pain. "That was deliberate!" Francis accused, holding his nose.

"It was not!" Heinz defended. "But it was funny."

...

Candace groaned as the aliens crowded around her. "Okay, just because I need to do things without you, sometimes, doesn't mean I don't like you or don't appreciate your friendship."

"And that is how you make an after school special!" Phineas proclaimed.

...

Candace let out a sigh and stared at the grass in despair.

"Hey, Candace."

Candace looked up in surprise. Jenny, Jeremy and Stacy were standing on her front lawn. "There you are, guys. Where have you been all day?"

"I was at the dentist," Jenny answered.

"I was taking my little sister to the movies," Jeremy replied.

"Didn't you get my message?" Stacy asked. "I called you a jerk."

"You're a real comedian, Stace," Candace muttered.

...

Everyone was packing up for the day. Candace walked out of her dressing room and started across the studio. A large group of the child extras were helping each other out of the alien costumes. "You guys did well."

"Thanks." Isabella smiled and wiped her face with a towel. "You weren't so bad yourself."

Ferb raced up to them, panting and clutching a bundle of clothes. Candace eyed the pile and arched an eyebrow. "Why do you have Phineas' wardrobe with you?"

"He's taking a shower in his dressing room. I left him a note saying if he wanted his clothes he'd have to come and find me to get them back."

Isabella clapped a hand over her mouth and Candace gaped. "You didn't!"

Ferb grinned devilishly. "You'll just have to wait and see."

A roar of laughter rose amongst the crew. Candace and Isabella looked up to see Phineas standing in the entryway, face bright red, dripping wet and wearing a Speedo. "You. Guys. Suck."

"I do not need to see this." Baljeet tossed his alien costume aside. "I am out."

Heinz was nearly killing himself laughing. Isabella couldn't stop giggling and Ferb had a smug smile on his face. Candace shook her head and handed him thirty bucks. "You really wanted that money, didn't you?"

" _Ferb!_ " Phineas shouted. The green-haired boy ran off and Phineas chased after him. "Give me back my clothes!"

Heinz managed to get a hold of himself. "Ah...best moment of my life."


	19. Gi-Ants Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"So Candace," Jeremy said into his cell phone. "You made a bear out of balaclava?"

"Yeah. Bears like honey, balaclava is made of honey," Candace answered. Her gaze flickered towards the right and she spotted a hornet flying towards her. " _Aagghh!_ "

Jeremy flinched and threw his phone down. "There goes my hearing."

...

"Monogram out. Carl, fade out!" Francis ordered. Carl pushed the button and lights slowly went off. "You can go now Agent P."

The platypus got up and waddled off. "Okay, Carl. You can turn the lights back on. Carl?"

" _Boo!_ "

" _Aagghh!_ " Francis screamed and instinctively punched Carl in the nose.

The director shook his head. "He never learns."

...

_Take One_

"How does it work?" Baljeet asked, staring at the large contraption with awe.

"Well, first, you find an anthill and then, you add a scoop of it to our Resize-anizer," Phineas explained. Ferb jammed a shovel into the dirt. A torrent of water shot from the ground and drenched everyone.

The director stared in shock. "What just happened?"

"Einstein hit a water main," Buford snapped, covering his head and trying to keep the water from spraying in his face.

Ferb scowled. "How was I supposed to know there was a water main? That's not my job!"

"Okay, okay," Phineas said calmly. "Let's not fight. How about we all agree to blame Heinz?"

"Sounds good." Buford nodded.

"I'm fine with that," Ferb agreed.

_Take Three_

"Now, we have to spray ourselves with ant pheromones, so we can move amongst the ants. But not too much! We don't want the ants to get _too_ friendly!" Phineas cautioned.

Ferb pulled the string and everyone got doused with green slime. "Ew," Isabella squealed. "What is this?"

"Who replaced the pink strawberry body spray with this junk?" the director demanded.

"Victory!" Heinz shouted.

...

_Take One_

"You know how you get all tired and lethargic after you eat Thanksgiving dinner? Well, it's not because you're really full and, you know, slightly out of shape but because of all the tryptophan in the turkey. Now, imagine if the turkey were, say, the size of a car or a building. There would be no resisting the tryptophaniacal level of nature’s little sleeping potion. That is why I created the Turkey-Inator!" Heinz said dramatically. A pause followed. "And now I have a craving for turkey. Lunch break!"

"And once again my job has no meaning," the director muttered.

_Take Two_

"With this, I will fly over the city turning things into turkey all willy-nilly. Then no one will be able to resist all of that perfectly cooked turkey goodness, and once the tryptophan kicks in, I’ll take over the Tri-State Area with ease! Won't that be trypto-fun?" Heinz asked.

Perry stared at him blankly. Heinz sighed. "You know what, I'm with you. I don't even know what tryptophan _means_. Who writes this stuff?"

...

"Phineas and Ferb! Let me in!" Candace hollered. She stormed up to the giant ant farm and reached for the string. "Wait a minute." She snapped her hand back. "I'm not falling for it."

"Candace, we fixed it," the director said in exasperation. "You can pull the string."

"Nope. I want you to double-check and make sure I won't be covered in green gunk."

The director sighed. "Thanks for making my actors paranoid, Heinz."

"No trouble at all,” the man said with a snicker.

...

Phineas swung his pick back as the music played in the background. A startled yelp caught his attention and he turned around. His pick had pierced through Ferb's helmet. "Whoops! Are you okay?"

Ferb gingerly pulled off his helmet and rubbed his head. "No puncture wound. Try not to kill me during this musical sequence, okay?"

"I'll try."

...

_Take One_

Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Baljeet and Buford mimicked being ants and paraded around the ant farm. Baljeet burst into giggles and his friends broke soon after.

"What's wrong?" the director snapped.

"We smell like strawberries, we have antennas on our heads and we are ten. What do you think is wrong?" Baljeet asked with a grin.

"We don't have the maturity to deal with this," Buford added.

"You don't have the maturity to deal with anything," the director muttered.

_Take Two_

Baljeet held the Styrofoam rock high above his head. Buford held on to him, Isabella held on to Buford and the girl was standing on two silicone ants. Phineas and Ferb were holding them all up.

 _If they drop us, I am going to kill them,_ Baljeet thought.

He jinxed it.

Phineas' ankle twisted under him and he hit the ground. Ferb could not support the combined weight by himself and everyone went down. Baljeet shrieked and slammed to the ground, landing on top of Ferb.

"Is everyone okay?" the director asked.

"I only broke about every bone in my body," Ferb rasped, holding his ribs.

"You're fine."

...

_Take One_

"Only, they keep bringing me grasshopper legs and bread crumbs." Candace wrinkled her nose and eyed the bowl at her elbow.

"I'll give you fifty bucks to eat some of the grasshopper legs," Buford dared.

Candace stiffened and pursed her lips in thought.

"You're not actually thinking about this!" Isabella exclaimed.

"She totally is." Ferb was torn between disgust and amusement.

Candace put her hand in the bowl and shoved some grasshopper legs into her mouth. Her face screwed up as she chewed.

Baljeet gagged and went off set. "I cannot work with these people."

"Oh my gosh." Phineas covered his eyes. "That is nasty!"

Buford grinned as Candace forced herself to swallow. Her face turned green and she leaned over the side of the throne and retched.

"Disgusting!" Isabella squealed and raced after Baljeet. "You're all so weird."

"The things we do for money," Ferb muttered as Buford handed Candace fifty bucks.

…

"Well, you asked for a salad and a queen dress, so first, they evolved from a hunter-gatherer society to an agrarian society. Look! They mastered farming in less than ten minutes," Phineas enthused.

"Then, they put it all together to make you this salad. There are still grasshopper legs in it, but other than that, it is not bad," Baljeet said. "Would you like some grasshopper legs?"

Candace swatted his shoulder. "Don't even joke."

…

“Now that everything is automated, they have more time to devote to fun!” Phineas and Candace pretended to see ants playing ping pong and pool.

Ferb's fingers twitched. "I have a strong desire to whip Buford's butt at ping pong."

"You're on!"

Buford and Ferb raced for the ping pong table.

Phineas glanced at Candace. "Twenty bucks that I'll beat you at pool."

"Challenge accepted."

Isabella grinned and went to sit beside Baljeet at the computer terminals. "I'm so gonna destroy you at _Alien Warfare_."

"Bring it!"

The director threw his hands in the air as he watched his actors and actresses goof off with the set props. "Hold it!"

" _Fantasy War_ time!" Heinz hollered and claimed a computer. "Come on, Boss. I'll humiliate you in the face of the Internet."

"Bring it on."


	20. Across the Second Dimension Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode. 
> 
> Second Dimension Stand-Ins:  
> Phineas: Django  
> Ferb: Irving  
> Heinz: Stacy  
> Candace: Jenny

"Whoa, whoa!" Phineas cried as he stared at the mass of script pages in shock. "You got the network to agree to a movie?"

The director nodded. "The show has been gathering popularity and so a movie is the next step."

Candace shook her head. "We can hardly make it through one episode. And you want us to film an hour-long movie?"

"I'm going to regret it later, I know. But it sounds like a good idea right now."

Ferb skimmed through the script. "Who's going to play our second-dimension counterparts?"

"Stand-ins. And then we're going to go back and film you playing your second-dimension selves."

"What?" Phineas groaned.

"Do you know how hard it is to find people that look like you lot? It's not easy. So you're going to play dual roles and we'll edit it all together. First day of filming is tomorrow."

"And by the end of the shoot we'll all be in the loony bin," Heinz grumbled.

_Take One_

The digital clock hit seven a.m. A small arm with a metal hand attached to it reached out and prodded Perry in the eye. The platypus jolted with a chatter of irritation. Phineas pulled the blankets over his head.

"We're off to a fantastic start," the redhead mumbled.

_Take Two_

" _We consider every day a plus to spend it with a platypus,_ " the soundtrack sang as Phineas and Ferb bounced on the raft bed.

There was a great popping sound and the raft deflated. Phineas and Ferb yelped as they were thrown to the floor. Perry chattered in amusement and Phineas rubbed his head.

"Ferb, I told you not to eat that third stack of pancakes for breakfast."

"Shut up!" Ferb cried and hit Phineas with a pillow.

_Take Four_

" _Combing our hair, it's better."_

Perry held a comb in his beak and Phineas made Perry drag the comb through Ferb's hair. The comb got stuck and Ferb yelped in pain. " _Ouch!_ "

"Hold on!" Phineas grunted and pulled. "I think it's coming loose!" He gave a mighty yank and the comb came out with a chunk of green hair. "Oops."

_Take Five_

" _Every day is such a dream when you start it with a monotreme._ "

Ferb accompanied the lyrics with his high vocalizing. Phineas struggled to keep a straight face and ended up collapsing in laughter. "Come on," Ferb complained. "I can only do this for so long."

"Yeah. Hurry up and get this done before he hits puberty!" the director snapped.

Ferb pulled a face. “Not what I meant.”

...

_Take One_

Ferb jumped on the banister and started to slide down. He didn't make it far and lost his balance, falling onto the stairs. "Ow."

_Take Two_

Phineas, Ferb and Perry slid down the banister. Ferb got stuck halfway down and Perry and Phineas slammed into him. Phineas groaned. "What kid does not know how to slide down a banister?"

"This one," Ferb answered dryly.

_Take Three_

Ferb jumped on the banister. This time he whizzed down with great speed and flew off the end and slammed into the floor. Buford burst into laughter and kicked the container of lotion he had used to make the banister slippery aside.

"You suck, Buford," Ferb muttered.

...

"Gee, Jeremy. I forgot you're a whole year older than me. A trip to college? Heh-heh. That's, that's really great. Okay, well, I'll talk to you later. Bye." Candace sighed and hung up her cell phone. She reached over and picked up her teddy bear with a picture of Jeremy taped to the face. "Oh Jeremy—ha ha ha!"

"What is it?" the director sighed.

"Someone drew a mustache on Jeremy's picture," Candace giggled.

_Take One_

"All right, looks like the pitcher is ready, and batter up!" Phineas called.

Ferb scratched Perry's neck and his tail flicked upwards. The baseball flew into the air and crashed down into Phineas' face. "Not again!" he moaned.

_Take Three_

"Hi, Phineas! Whatcha doin'?" Isabella asked as she entered the Flynn-Fletcher backyard.

"Turning Perry's involuntary reflex into sporting event," Phineas answered.

"Hi, Perry! Can I try?" Isabella bent down and scratched Perry's neck. The baseball flew out of the yard.

"Whoa, mama! Nice shot, Isabella!" Phineas said in awe.

Baljeet and Buford entered the backyard. "Did someone lose a ball?"

"How convenient we're all in the same place during this casual game of Platypus-Ball," Phineas remarked.

Isabella punched him in the shoulder. "We were doing so well!"

"Why did you have to screw it up?" Baljeet complained.

"The fourth wall is not meant to be broken down." Buford shook his head.

"Now we gotta start all over," Ferb sighed. "Thanks, Phineas."

"No problem. I live to troll."

...

"Hey, where's Perry?" Phineas asked. He checked for Perry and frowned when he couldn't find him. "Did he really slip away? On his anniversary? Sometimes it seems like Perry's missed every single cool thing we've done all summer long. _You're a tool, Perry!_ "

Perry slipped out from behind the tree and kicked Phineas in the shin. The redhead yelped and sunk to the ground in pain.

Isabella laughed. "Don't mess with the platypus."

...

_Take One_

"Don't get cocky, Carl! Agent P, as you know, every operative is equipped with an auto-scan replication device, just like the one in your hat. We've been using the information you've gathered to replicate each and every one of Dr. Doofenshmirtz's -Inators. Our top men have been analyzing them to determine if they've been getting smarter or dumber. And, to be honest, the jury's still out. Now we find out—" Francis faltered in his speech and groaned.

Perry slapped his forehead and chattered in despair. Carl sighed. "You were so close to finishing it in one take."

"I would have made history," Francis muttered. "Moment ruined."

_Take Two_

"Don't get cocky, Carl! Agent P, as you know, every operative is equipped with an—" Francis forgot the name of the machine and slapped his head. "Gah!"

_Take Five_

"Don't get cocky, Carl! Agent P, as you know, every operative is equipped with an auto-scan replication device, just like the one in your hat. We've been using the information you've gathered to replicate each and every one of Dr. Doofenshmirtz's -Inators. Our top men have been analyzing them to determine if they've been getting more idiotic or cooler and that's not right."

Perry grinned and Francis scowled. "This is ridiculous. Where's my script?"

_Take Six_

"Don't get cocky, Carl! Agent P, as you know, every operative is equipped with an auto-scan replication device, just like the one in your hat. We've been using the information you've gathered to replicate each and every one of Dr. Doofenshmirtz's -Inizers. Shoot!"

Carl stared in disbelief. "The script is taped to the monitor in front of you. I don't understand—"

"Shut up Carl!" Francis snapped.

_Take Eight_

"This first item is our new wrist-communicationizer. It has many applications that will help you in the field. For example, a powerful directional electro-magnet. It will draw any metal object to you." Carl pressed a button and his glasses flew off his face and attached to the magnet.

"Your eyes look weird," Francis remarked.

...

"This cannot be safe," Phineas remarked as Baljeet helped the crew set up the giant shuttlecock.

"It's only going to fling you a short distance. We'll edit the rest in later using a green screen. Now get on," the director ordered.

Ferb sighed. "The things we do to earn a living."

...

"Uh, Carl, did you tell him the accelerator's a little touchy?" Francis asked.

Perry took off into the air and slammed through the ceiling. Carl was about to deliver his line when a piece of debris fell on his head. "Ouch."

...

"Three, two, one, service!" Phineas called.

Isabella pressed the button and the shuttlecock flew into the air—and crashed right into the parking lot on the other side of the fence. Car alarms blared and Baljeet peeked. "I hope Linda has insurance."

The director rubbed his forehead. "Note to self; move Flynn-Fletcher backyard to a nice, wide open space."

“I think you’ve said that before,” remarked Isabella.

“Yeah, and one day I’ll do it.”

...

"Well I'm going to prove it to you and bust my brothers at the same time, Where are my brothers?" Candace demanded.

"We just launched them toward the park. Buford is there with the other platypult," Baljeet answered.

"Okay children, as the adult here, I say we're going to the park, does anyone have to go potty first?" Candace asked.

Isabella raised her hand before Stacy could. "Isabella!" the director cried.

"I'm sorry, but I really gotta go."

"I told you guys to take care of that stuff before we start shooting!"

"I never have to go then!" Isabella said and took off towards the bathrooms, leaving Baljeet, Candace and Stacy to burst into laughter.

_Take One_

"All right, what's with the giant shuttlecock?" Heinz demanded as Phineas and Ferb climbed out of their destroyed invention.

"We're really sorry, sir, I don't know what happened," Phineas apologized. He tried to make it through his line but ended up bursting into laughter.

Heinz grinned. "It's weird, isn't it?"

"What's weird?" the director asked.

"We have never, _never_ had a scene together like this," Phineas giggled. "We terrorize each other off set but we never really acted together. This is so weird."

"You're all weird," the director muttered.

_Take Three_

"An Other-Dimension-Inator? What does it do?" Phineas asked.

"Well, at the moment, it just stops giant shuttlecocks, apparently, but it's supposed to let me go into other dimensions," Heinz explained.

"That's a stupid idea," Phineas scoffed.

"And the trolling continues," the director sighed.

_Take Four_

"I'm Phineas and this is my brother Ferb," Phineas introduced.

"I'm Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, but my friends call me…" Heinz paused as he thought.

"Dummkopf?" Ferb suggested.

"Knock it off!"

_Take Six_

"What the heck, before we set up, there's a whole buffet here, please partake," Heinz offered. "I was expecting—"

Buford popped up from behind the table and grabbed a plate of pie. He slammed it into Heinz's face and raced off, high-fiving Phineas and Ferb as he passed.

Heinz wiped the dessert off his face. "There are a few of us that will not make it to the end of this movie."

_Take Seven_

"Almost there, okay, field compressor attaches to the...to the...shoot, what does it attach to?" Phineas snapped his fingers.

"Auxiliary generator?" Heinz said smugly.

"Oh, shut up," Phineas said in annoyance as Ferb started snickering.

…

_Take One_

"I guess this is the last piece. Okay Ferb, boost me up."

Perry burst in through the open window. He halted abruptly upon seeing his owners and looked on in horror. Without looking away from the machine Phineas said, "Hey Perry. What's up?"

"Can we please be serious for one minute?" the director asked in exasperation.

"You wish."

_Take Two_

"Okay, here we go." Phineas reached to attach the last piece to the Other-Dimension-Inator. "Right in here." He glanced to see Perry peeing on the couch. "No! Perry, we—" Phineas burst into laughter and Ferb chuckled. "That is so nasty."

"Who comes _up_ with this stuff?" Heinz asked as Perry waddled off the couch in irritation and mortification.

...

Heinz yanked on the pink couch as Phineas and Ferb raced to check out the new dimension. "Ahem."

Startled, Heinz turned around to face Second-Dimension Monogram. He struggled to keep a straight face but failed. "You look ridiculous!"

Francis groaned. "I told them purple isn't my colour!"

"You like fine, Francis. Heinz, pull it together," the director ordered.

"He looks like a plum!"

"Are you calling me fat?" Francis demanded.

...

"That was awesome!" Heinz exclaimed as the chair brought him to a fancy office. The large chair behind the desk swiveled around and Heinz arched an eyebrow. "Why is Stacy here and wearing an eye-patch?"

"Were you not paying attention when I explained this the first time?” asked the director in annoyance.

“Not really.”

“Listen now, because I’m not repeating this for a third time. We’re going to use a stand-in for the double scenes. For you, it’s going to be Stacy. Then we’re going to go back and you’ll do the lines over.”

"Okay," Heinz said slowly. "I think I understand. But why Stacy?"

"Because I'm hardly in this film and can be used as a spare actor," Stacy muttered. "I should have looked at my contract more carefully."

"You and me both, sister," Heinz agreed.

...

_Take One_

" _Now I know all about you and you know all about me,_ " the two sang as they drummed on a skeleton.

"Ooh-wee-ooh." Heinz stuck his head through the bones and when he tried to pull back his head was stuck. " _Ouch!_ Get me out!"

_Take Three_

As the song continued playing in the background Heinz and Stacy were dancing around the room, Stacy in a tuxedo and Heinz in a dress. The two had managed to keep a straight face through most of the song but now they were nearly dying of laughter.

"My fault," the director sighed. "I _wanted_ the movie to happen."

...

"You dare to bring a secret agent in here?" Stacy hissed, holding onto Heinz's lab coat.

Phineas bit his lip and Ferb giggled. "I'm sorry, but I can't take Stacy seriously in that eye-patch."

_Take Two_

"Here, here, let me prove it. General Platyborg, come down here at once! He'll be here in just a minute, and then..." Stacy grinned and Platyborg flew down. He landed on Stacy's foot and she squeaked in pain. "Ow."

Phineas winced. "I heard that crack from here."

"I can't believe you actually made a robot platypus." Heinz studied the machine in awe.

"Don't touch it!" the director hollered.

…

_Take One_

Perry opened the window and the three of them fell out. He stuck his feet into the skeletal head and opened his parachute. Phineas and Ferb caught the horns and held on. "I'm sorry, I'm just having trouble processing this right now," Phineas said.

Their parachute got caught on a ledge before Perry could react. Ferb sighed. "Well, this could have been—"

" _Don't say it!_ " Phineas hollered. "We ain't got stunt people and the last thing we need is for you to jinx it."

_Take Three_

Phineas and Ferb wrapped Platyborg up in the parachute. He stumbled off the roof and the parachute's ropes got tangled on the skull. "All this time, we're like, 'He's a platypus, he doesn't do much.' Well, apparently, you do. You...you, you're tangled up in the..."

Perry was dragged off the roof. Phineas and Ferb grabbed onto him as he fell. Platyborg managed to grab onto a window ledge and Phineas, Ferb and Perry were flung into the wall.

"Was that supposed to happen?" a crew member asked.

"Nope," the director answered. "Go make sure they're alive, please."

...

"You're right, Ferb, we have to concentrate on the task at hand, we need to get back to our dimension, and I don't even know where to start," Phineas sighed.

Ferb held out the remote and Phineas smiled. "Oh, that's right, the remote!" He took it and cranked it up. "I knew that would come in handy! All right, let's go home!"

He pushed the button, and, of course, nothing happened. The portal would be added in post-production. “What a piece of crap,” said Phineas.

"Phineas!"

...

"True evil is born through pain and loss. You see, when I was a small boy back in Gimmelshtump, I had a toy train," Stacy explained. "Then one day, I lost it."

Heinz burst into laughter. Stacy groaned. "Boss, no one can take me seriously as Heinz's stand-in."

"It'll work once we get Heinz to film the parts as Second-Dimension Heinz," the director promised. "Just keep trying, okay?"

"If I keep trying any harder my brain and Heinz's lungs will explode."

...

"Hey Buford!" Candace exclaimed loudly as they walked towards the burly boy. "It's been a whole twenty-five minutes since we've last seen you! How are things?"

"Good, thank you. I hear Stacy has acquired an eye-patch for certain scenes. Good show, good show."

The director rolled his eyes. "Hilarious. Now let's try this again."

...

Phineas and Ferb popped their heads out of the garbage cans they were hiding in. "Ew, gross." Phineas winced and removed a banana peel from his head. "Come on guys. Stop putting trash in the props."

...

"Boys, what are you doing here? You'd better get inside before the Doofbot catches you. I'm off to the factory. See you next week!" Lawrence called and held the hook attached to his harness up. The bus sped by and the hook caught on. But instead of whisking Lawrence along it ripped the harness right off his body and he hit the sidewalk. "Is this what you go through?"

"Every day," Phineas confirmed.

"I'm so sorry."

...

Phineas stared at his script. "Okay, let me get something straight. The only people who have second-dimension stand-ins are Heinz, Ferb, Candace and myself. Buford, Baljeet, Isabella and the rest play their own second-dimension selves."

"That is correct." The director nodded.

"Okay...who are our second-dimension stand-ins?" Phineas asked.

"Django and Irving," the director muttered.

"And Candace's?"

"Jenny."

“This will be interesting,” said Phineas with a grin.

...

_Take One_

"Whatcha doin'?" Isabella asked harshly.

Phineas bit his lip and Ferb giggled. "Sorry, sorry. I'm just not used to seeing you in pants."

“Excuse me?” asked Isabella with a snort.

“Oh, you know what I mean! You’re always wearing dresses or skirts on this show!”

"Can we please get on with this?" Django moaned. "Irving is sitting on my head."

"Are you implying that I'm heavy?"

"Yes!"

_Take Two_

"Well, we may have someone who can help you. Dr. Baljeet!" Isabella introduced.

The chair that was facing the large monitor swung around. Phineas, Ferb, Django and Irving burst into laughter. "Your hair!" Django choked.

"Someone grab a camera!" Phineas snorted. "Irving, you're the camera guy!"

"Not today," Irving giggled. "But oh man, I wish I had it."

"You guys suck," Baljeet grumbled.

_Take Four_

"Think of the universe and all of the many dimensions as circular. The energy flows between the dimensions like this, clockwise. Say that this is your dimension, and this is our dimension, you traveled with the flow of energy, so going clockwise would be easy. Going counter-clockwise would...would...take up a lot of energy," Baljeet finished lamely.

"Did you even read—" Phineas started but Baljeet interrupted him.

"Yes, I read my script!”

_Take Five_

"Oh criminy, I must be crazy. All right, we can get there through the tunnels," Jenny sighed.

Django cheered and Jenny clapped her hands. "Let's suit up, people!" She started to walk away and tripped on a cord. "Ouch!"

Django snickered. "Nice job."

"It's hard to see where I'm going in these glasses," Jenny complained.

"Excuses, excuses."

...

_Take One_

Jenny used the Bo staff to hit the turnstile and change the direction of the train tracks. The staff rebounded off the turnstile and into her nose. "Ouch!"

Candace grinned. "Jenny, this is not a role cut out for you."

"You're telling me," Jenny mumbled.

_Take Two_

"Ugh!" Jenny groaned and glared at Django and Irving. "Don't move!"

She used her staff to stop the minecarts. They slammed into the end of the tracks and catapulted into the wall. Phineas groaned and rubbed his head. "Nice one."

"Someone take away the staff," Buford muttered. "Before she gives me a concussion."

"Not like there's a lot of brain to damage," Isabella said under her breath.

...

Stacy laughed meanly. "I got you, and I got your little friends, too. Game over. You lose! Mark this the hour of your doom, Perry the Platypus! Three-forty...ugh, I got one of these watches with just the little hash marks on it. It doesn't even have numbers on it! Let's just say it's between three-thirty and four o'clock, Eastern Standard Time."

Perry's eyes widened in realization and he slapped a button on his watch. A holographic image of Francis showering popped up. Everyone cried in disgust but soon broke into hysterical laughter.

"I can't," Heinz wheezed.

The director groaned. "We're never going to get out of here."

...

"I knew this was a bad idea!" Jenny scowled. "Okay, everyone in the cars!"

Everyone hopped in and Jenny struggled to push the minecarts forward. After a while she gave up and collapsed. "Okay, I don't have the strength for this."

Ferb climbed out and gave the minecarts a shove. They moved forwards a few inches. Candace laughed. "Owned by a ten-year-old."

...

_Take One_

Phineas and the rest gaped as Jenny beat down the evil Normbots. "How'd you do that?"

"I took a few years of dance and the moves aren't so different," Jenny answered.

"So you can do that, but you can't push a small minecart?"

"Shut up!"

_Take Three_

"Can we make those turns at this speed?"

"We're about to find out!" Jenny cried.

The minecarts whizzed along the tracks and raced around a bend. The carts tilted and everyone toppled out.

“Nope,” wheezed Jenny. “We can’t.”

_Take Five_

Perry managed to tear the arm off one of the Normbots. It flew into one of the carts and set it on fire. Candace clambered into the cart where Phineas, Ferb and Perry were and Buford's pantleg caught on fire. He started screaming and crew members charged forwards with fire extinguishers.

"In retrospect, this was an awful idea," the director remarked.

...

"But we could've made it. We could've all made it!" Django protested.

"Or we could've all been captured, and I couldn't let that happen. These are the tough choices, people, someone has to be the adult here. You guys are safe, and that's what matters," Jenny snapped.

"But…but…but—"

"End of discussion," Jenny said firmly.

The minecarts rolled down the tracks and the dramatic music from the soundtrack swelled. Isabella bit her lip and stared straight ahead. The giggles were too strong and she burst into laughter.

"Isabella!" Irving groaned.

"Do you know how hard it is for me to keep a stern exterior?" Jenny cried.

"I'm sorry!" Isabella laughed. "I'm sorry! I suck at dramatic moments."

"No kidding."

...

_Take One_

"Fix it!" Stacy cried.

"No," Phineas said flatly.

"Look, I would make myself do it, but apparently, he's an idiot."

"I'm not arguing with that," Phineas said.

" _Doom!_ " Heinz hollered.

_Take Three_

"Yes yes, everyone. Doom, doom, doom, and..." Stacy said impatiently.

"Doom!" Heinz said at the same time as Stacy. "Jinx, you owe me _three_ sodas!"

"Okay, doom for him, too."

" _Ha!_ " Phineas shouted.

...

_Take One_

Perry used his watch to bring the keys towards them. The Normbot came with it and it slammed into the five prisoners. Everyone screamed as the Normbot slid towards the lava. Ferb frantically tried to hook the correct wires.

"Ferb!" Candace shrieked as they fell.

But Ferb could not connect the wires in time and they landed in the thick orange goop.

“We’re dead,” said Heinz flatly. “Nice going, kid.”

_Take Five_

The five watched in awe as Jenny knocked down a giant gnome and took out the guards. "Phineas! Catch!"

Phineas gasped as the portal remote was thrown at him. He fumbled it for second before losing his grip and watching it plummet into the goop. “Oops.”

...

Phineas, Ferb, Candace, Perry and Heinz pretended that they were coming out of a portal and arriving in their home dimension. "Oh look, it's First-Dimension Buford, Isabella and Baljeet! It's been so long!" Phineas cried.

Heinz smacked Phineas across the head. "Shut up and say your lines. I'm hungry and I want lunch."

...

"Oh geez, the big battle is next," Phineas moaned.

"Okay, the mass of Normbots will be edited in. Just pretend you're fighting deadly machines. The inventions, however, are still in storage. Go nuts in an orderly fashion," the director instructed. "And don't kill each other."

...

"Agent P, our agents are being overwhelmed by the sheer number of robots coming into our dimension. You must get to Doof's headquarters and stop him!" Francis ordered.

"Say, don't I know you from somewhere?" Phineas asked.

All of a sudden, a water balloon flew out and struck Phineas in the face. Heinz crossed his arms and smirked. "That's for being a wise guy."

...

"This is just beautiful," Jenny sighed and bounced a rubber ball against the cell door. "I decide to do the right thing, and I end up in a cell."

The ball rebounded back and hit her in the eye. "Ouch!"

"Jenny, did you break a mirror or something? It's just not your day." The director shook his head.

"Yeah, she broke a mirror. With her face!" Django hollered from off set and laughed.

"Uh-oh," Jenny muttered. "He's channeling his inner Phineas."

...

Perry winced as he was pressed against a brick wall. A baseball flew out and beat the Normbot to a pulp. He turned around and grinned when he saw Phineas riding the robot dog. Phineas smiled triumphantly and the dog gave a little buck. Phineas toppled off and hit the cement.

"I probably deserved that."

...

The director watched in awe as the kids went nuts with the inventions. They flew all over the place, drove all over the place and stomped all over the place. Milly and Adyson, who were in the frozen yogurt machine, were firing the stuff everywhere.

Including the cameras.

The director shrieked in agony. "The shots are all right, aren't they? _Please tell me they're all right!_ "

The cameraman nodded. "Relax. It's fine.”

The director slumped in his seat. Heinz glanced at the cameraman. "You could have really messed with him."

"Yeah, but the last thing we need is a director who has a heart attack."

...

_Take One_

Stacy glanced up and spotted Phineas attempting to get to the portal. She cut the cord to the grapple gun and Phineas landed on the soiled couch. "I've had just about enough of you, you—"

Phineas grabbed the cushion Perry peed on and chucked it at Stacy's face. The girl screamed and threw the cushion to the ground. "Ew! That's disgusting! That wasn't in my script."

"I may have altered yours a bit," the director admitted.

"You jerk!"

"Hey, hey. No insulting the guy that pays you."

_Take Four_

"Oh no you don't! Ha ha! Now the baseball is on the other foot! Or however that saying goes. I'm not really sure—" Stacy spotted Phineas trying to slink away. "Hey, hey! Where are you going? You know, all that's going to happen from you guys coming up here is that I'm going to have a brand new platyborg! And maybe even a boyborg too, huh?"

She suddenly reared back and slammed the baseball launcher across Phineas' head. The boy hit the ground with a yelp of pain. "What was that for?"

"For hitting me with a pee-stained pillow."

“I was supposed to do that!”

“I know, but I can’t hit Boss.”

_Take Six_

Perry tickled Platyborg's neck and his tail snapped up, sticking the turkey over his head. Platyborg stumbled back and got caught in the electrical plug. His body spazzed and he grabbed onto two cobs of corn blindly. Popcorn came from the cooked corn and Perry adjusted his hat and caught a piece of popcorn out of the air with his teeth.

"Kick-butt platypus over here," Phineas remarked.

"For Pete's sake Phineas, shut up and go do what you do," the director snapped. "Do you know how long it takes to film an epic scene like this perfectly? And you just ruined it with pointless commentary. Go. Away."

Phineas slunk off. Ferb grinned. "An epic tell off right there."

_Take Seven_

"You know something kid, you've been a thorn in my side all day long," Stacy drawled. "But that's about to change."

Phineas glanced to the side when Perry whistled. Perry knocked the bat towards Phineas and he caught it just as Stacy fired the baseball launcher.

He reared back and swung. And missed.

"That was one of the greatest fails I have ever seen," Stacy laughed.

_Take Ten_

Phineas, Ferb and Perry stared at the giant robot version of Second-Dimension Heinz. Stacy was at the controls with a smirk. "Hope you got your 3-D glasses, because I'm coming at you!"

She hit the wrong lever and the arm thrust out. Stacy shrieked as she flew from the arm of the robot and hit the floor. "You gotta be kidding me."

...

"Yeah, it's mine. See, I told you I never lost it. It was in a box in my pantry labeled 'VHS Tapes'. Go figure. Anyway, you can have it." Heinz handed Stacy the train.

"I can't believe it! Choo-Choo, it is you!" Stacy hugged the train close. "Oh, heart melting, backstory resolving, evilness diminishing." A snort escaped her. "Sorry, sorry. But I find it ridiculous that all this trouble was caused over a lost train."

"I think the writers are running out of ideas." Ferb grinned.

...

"Man, this was the greatest day ever. Imagine how much fun we can have together now that we know you're a secret agent!" Phineas said cheerfully.

"Yes yes, the next fifteen minutes should be a real hoot. Then, of course, Agent P will be sent away forever," Francis said.

"Screw you, man," Phineas complained.

"Phineas, I am giving you one last warning," the director growled. "Stick to the script _or else_."

...

When Ferb entered the O.W.C.A. set it was to see Phineas slouched against a wall and cradling his head in his hands. "What's the matter?"

"Have you read the end scene?" Phineas asked.

"Yeah."

"Isabella and I have a kissing scene." Phineas looked up at Ferb. "And do you remember what she said she'd do if we ever had a kissing scene?"

Ferb turned to look at Isabella. The girl was eating a plate of garlic bread and there was a slice of onion-laden pizza beside her. Isabella beamed at them and waved happily. Ferb burst into laughter. "Oh man! I'd hate to be you right now."

...

_Take One_

"Uh, Major Monogram?" Isabella asked.

"Uh, yes?"

"So, none of us will remember any of today?"

"That's right."

Isabella looked at Phineas and grinned. "Good!"

Phineas ducked before she could grab him. "Ugh! I can smell her breath! It's disgusting!"

_Take Three_

"So, none of us will remember any of today?"

"That's right."

Isabella looked at Phineas and grinned. "Good!"

Phineas screamed and ran off set.

_Take Ten_

"So, none of us will remember any of today?"

"That's right."

Isabella looked at Phineas and grinned. "Good!"

Isabella grabbed him and kissed him hard. Phineas tore away and gagged, clutching his throat and sinking to the ground. "My eyes are watering! My eyes!"

Isabella smirked. "Revenge is a dish best served spicy."


	21. Moon Farm Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"Hey, Candace," Stacy greeted as she walked into the Flynn-Fletcher backyard. "What're you doing out here?"

"Hey Stacy." Candace blew out the fire in her lantern. "I've got a lot of things to do today, so I—" She noticed Stacy trying to hold back a laugh and couldn't help but giggle. "Sorry! She started it!"

"It's not my fault! She looks like that giant marshmallow guy." Stacy grinned.

"I'm gonna take that as a compliment," Candace muttered.

_Take One_

"Hey Candace!" Phineas called from the entrance to the rocket ship. "We're going to the moon!"

Candace arched an eyebrow and walked up the ramp. "The moon? Wait a minute, why are you—?"

She slipped and tumbled back down the ramp. Phineas burst into laughter and Candace sighed. "Why do I have a feeling that this won't be my day?"

_Take Three_

"Apparently, there was a last verse that was lost to history, until Ferb and I found it in the Dead Sea. It's a little wet and salty—"

"That's what she said," Ferb muttered.

Candace snorted and Phineas punched him the shoulder. "Dude!"

"Come on, Ferb!" the director snapped. "This is a family-friendly environment!"

"Oh sure," Ferb scoffed. "An old German actor screaming at child actors and threatening them is definitely family-friendly."

...

Perry looked around to make sure he was alone. He rapped on a panel near the fireplace and slipped inside. He made it through to his lair and dumped a pile of wood on the floor. He chattered in pain and cradled his paw.

"What's the matter? Did you get a splinter?" Francis asked.

Perry nodded.

"We'll grab the first-aid kit." The director signaled for his assistant to do so.

"Hold it!" Heinz cried. "So I can get pummeled by a platypus and get barely an ounce of sympathy but when Mr. Monotreme over here gets a splinter everyone runs to his aide. What's up with that?"

"Fine. We'll get you pretty pony Band-Aids for your cuts and bruises. Does that make you feel better?"

"The sarcasm just makes it hurt even more."

...

"Sweet!" Phineas grinned as he peered out of their model spaceship. "This moon set looks wicked!"

Isabella strapped on her harness. "And it's pretty cool that we get to jump around and actually feel like we're floating."

"You might wanna put on some extra strings." Buford smirked at the girl. "You might just break off and fall."

"Assuming that was you calling me fat, my response is this." Isabella shoved a non-strapped up Buford out of the spaceship and the burly boy hit the ground hard. "Did that hurt?”

"Yes."

"Then you are forgiven."

…

_Take One_

Perry stared at the C.A.T. door for a moment before shrugging and crawling through. He tried to pull himself to the other side and found himself to be stuck.

The director watched him wiggle about helplessly. "I guess we should stop giving him so many grubs."

_Take Three_

"Perry the Platypus," Heinz remarked as he walked up to the monotreme. Perry struggled to keep a straight face and ended up snickering.

Heinz groaned. "Do you know how many layers of paint they put on me? If we don't hurry up, I'm gonna spend the next three months getting this stuff off."

...

Phineas smiled cheerfully as he pumped air into the inflatable farm. It grew rapidly and Baljeet swallowed nervously. "I think you should turn it off now."

"It's stuck!" Phineas cried as he twisted the dial desperately.

The director clapped his hands over his ears as the farm exploded. "Is everyone okay?" he asked.

His five actors and actress stared at him. Buford motioned that he could not hear him and the director slammed his head off his clipboard. "Maybe we could do a silent film. It'd probably be easier—nope. Never mind. These kids can screw anything up."

...

"This is Moon Farm, come back," Phineas reported.

Irving fiddled with the dials on a large radio system. "Oh, this is mission control. Your transmissions—"

Heavy metal music blasted from the headphones he was wearing and the boy screamed and tore them from his head. "You guys suck."

_Take One_

Heinz shoved his machine across the balcony. "I got it. Man, why didn't I put wheels on this thing?" He gave it a final shove and cracked his back. "Agh!" he groaned.

"Don't tell me. You're stuck," the director said flatly.

"Maybe."

_Take Three_

"I'll just aim it...there, perfect. Now, you will witness the dehydrating effects of my Moisture-Suck-Inator—"

Ferb snorted.

"Oh for— _Ferb! Get off my set!_ " the director hollered.

_Take Four_

A dehydrated Heinz and Perry open and closed their mouths. They managed to do this for a bit before breaking into giggles. "Sorry, sorry. We got it this time."

"I've heard that before," the director muttered.

...

"This doesn't seem right, Candace. I mean, four eggs bleeded, a big bow, one pound of lamp—I mean that's not even food," Stacy pointed out.

"Trust me Stacy, as annoying as Phineas and Ferb are, they're usually right." Candace shrugged.

Irving started into the house. "Phineas and—"

Candace and Stacy threw a bunch of eggs at the guest actor. Irving yelped and covered his head. "Come on!"

Candace giggled. "Sorry. Couldn’t resist.”

_Take One_

"Moo-na. Two syllables cow, two. Moo-na," Buford instructed.

The cow just blinked and mooed.

"Man, these cows are dumb," Buford remarked.

The cow whipped around and booted Buford in the stomach. The boy doubled over and groaned in pain. "I take that back. These cows are pretty dang smart."

_Take Two_

"Okay everyone, ice cream is ready. Let's dig in." Phineas happily licked his ice cream and yelped. "Brain freeze!"

"Only I can hire a group of kids who can't even eat ice cream without messing up," the director sighed.

...

"I don't know Stacy. I got a bad feeling about this. What am I going to do if it isn't even edible?" Candace asked nervously.

Stacy shrugged. "Well, technically it is English food."

"Well, here goes." Candace opened the pot and both girls screamed. Inside the silver pot was a plastic, ketchup-covered severed head. " _Irving!_ "

...

"Uh...Perry the Platypus?" Heinz chuckled nervously. "Yeah, I'm over here. Yeah, I uh...I forgot my keys so I thought I—you know, just fit through the uh..."

Perry ignored him and opened the door. "Oh good, you're going to go get—"

Perry stuck a piece of paper on his behind and walked off. Phineas and Ferb burst into laughter at the _Kick Me_ sign.

The director could not help but grin. "Classic."


	22. Gaming the System Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

The camera focussed on Buford's handheld game system. Buford navigated the sprite over logs and tried to avoid getting killed by fruits and birds. "Dang it!" he snapped as a banana took him out.

Phineas grinned. "All you have to do is keep your guy alive for a minute. Why do you keep getting killed by apples and birds?"

"It's harder than it looks!" Buford protested.

Isabella walked off set and picked up the box the game came in. "Buford, the box says it’s for kids aged five to eight. You're ten."

"Oh, shut up."

_Take Three_

"Hey, how'd you get your face in there?" Phineas asked.

"Easy. I just use this camera! See?" Buford snapped a picture of Phineas' face. "And then you do this, and this, and this and this and this and this and—ouch!"

The director stared. "What?"

"I think I sprained my thumb!"

"You have _got_ to be kidding me."

_Take Four_

"I can see no educational value in this game." Baljeet frowned.

"Duck!" Buford swung out his arm and Baljeet got punched in the nose. "Dude! You were supposed to duck!"

"I was not really paying attention," Baljeet admitted dazedly. "I was thinking of something else."

"Like what?" the director demanded.

"Lunch."

...

"Introducing the all new and improved, _Jump and Duck_. The world's first truly immersive video game experience. Hey Ferb, throw the switch," Phineas ordered.

Ferb flicked the switch and the fuse box exploded. Phineas slowly opened his eyes after the smoke diffused and shook his head. "Nice going, man."

“I did what I was supposed to! It’s not my fault!”

...

"Okay, what's going on? I was drying my hair!" Candace snapped.

"Sorry about the power, Candace. Uh..." Phineas racked his brain for the next line and came up blank. "Sorry, but it's really awkward talking to you when you're wearing nothing but a towel."

"Tell me about it," Candace muttered.

_Take One_

"Ah, Perry the Platypus, you are too late. Wait, is it eleven o'clock yet?" Heinz frowned and glanced at his watch. "Ah, my battery is dead. I've been meaning to get a new one but—"

"That's not the line, Heinz," the director sighed.

"I know that! I'm just saying that I need a new battery for my watch. You know what, I think I'm going to go get one now before I forget."

The director threw his hands up as Heinz walked off set. "Sure. Whatever. It's not like shooting an episode cost a lot of money or anything."

_Take Three_

Perry scowled and adjusted the blue ballgown he was now wearing. A pair of mechanical arms swooped down and brought him to Heinz's level. He bit his lip and struggled to keep a straight face. "See, Perry the Platypus? It's hard to—he he he."

"Heinz!"

"Oh, come on! It's a platypus wearing a ballgown. How can I _not_ laugh at that?"

_Take One_

"You guys better get me out of here. I still have to get ready," Candace cried as she tried to outrun a banana and an orange.

Phineas watched the girl being chased by two actors in fruit costumes and burst into laughter. "This is so ridiculous!"

"Come on man!" Candace complained. "I'm wearing a towel here! Can we get this over with?"

"Sorry, sorry. Okay. I'm good."

_Take Four_

Candace ran around the video game-styled set. "Can't you just press a button and get me there now?"

"Oh, you want cheat codes. No, we don't roll like that. Just jump and duck," Phineas instructed.

Candace got nailed in the face by two pieces of fruit. Ferb snorted and clapped a hand over his mouth. "Sorry!"

"I'm going to kill you!" Candace cried.

_Take Six_

"Duck! Duck! Duck!" Phineas cried as Candace got hit with more fruit. The girl got off the platform and started falling down a set of stairs. "Okay stop falling. Stop falling."

Candace continued to topple down the stairs and Ferb turned his head away from the camera. He pressed a hand over his mouth and his shoulders shook with suppressed laughter.

"Ferb!" Candace cried.

"I swear, I'm good. I let it all out." Ferb coughed and tried to pull himself together. "Okay, okay. I got this."

_Take One_

Phineas and Ferb raced up a set of complex stairs. Ferb tripped on his shoelace and crashed into Phineas, bringing the two of them down. "Do you need someone to teach you how to tie your shoes?" the redhead asked in irritation.

"Shut up."

_Take Two_

Phineas and Ferb jumped into the water below the castle. Phineas' body jolted as he hit the water and he broke through the surface, coughing and sputtering. "It's freezing!"

_Take Four_

"Wow, the castle. Nice art direction, Ferb. I guess Candace already made it to the boss level," Phineas remarked. They pretended that a giant version of Buford appeared behind them and turned to stare.   
“Wow. He sure is ugly."

Buford raced on set and tackled Phineas. Ferb watched the two tussle and he shook his head. "He asked for it."

_Take Eight_

"Phineas! Ferb! Phineas! Ferb!" Candace cried in agony as she stared at her two fallen brothers. They disappeared, leaving the girl alone. " _Nooo_ —ha ha ha!"

"Can any of you do dramatic moments without busting a gut?" the director asked.

...

There was a flash of light and Heinz stared down at his ballgown. Perry burst into laughter and the director shook his head. "What were the writers thinking?"

...

"Oh no! Jeremy's here. How am I going to get ready in three seconds?" Candace demanded.

Isabella, Phineas and Ferb were wearing ballgowns and Candace was still in her towel. The four stared stony-faced at each other and Ferb was pressing his lips together so hard that he couldn't deliver his line. The director rubbed his forehead. "Go on, let it out."

The howling laughter went on for a good half an hour.


	23. One Good Scare Ought to Do It Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"Hello. Is this the Johnson residence? I'd like to speak to Jeremy Johnson. This is Candace Flynn. Why—?" Candace snorted and dropped the banana into her lap. "There is no way I can take this seriously."

"Would it help if you were speaking into an apple?" Phineas suggested.

"How about an orange?" Ferb offered.

"Oh! Oh!" Isabella waved her hand in the air. "I bet a pear would do the trick!"

"Stop it. You're making me crave fruit salad," the director snapped.

...

"Hi, Isabella," Phineas greeted.

"Whatcha do—?" Isabella burped before she could finish her line.

Ferb burst into laughter and Phineas grinned. "That was a pretty smelly hiccup."

"Shut up!" Isabella cried. "It was an accident!"

"I can smell peanut butter," Ferb snorted. "That's so gross!"

...

_Take One_

Perry looked around carefully before putting on his fedora and jumping into the trashcan. He jumped out immediately, covered in green slime. He chattered in irritation and glared at Phineas and Ferb. The two boys put their hands up in surrender.

"We didn't do it!"

Heinz giggled. "The look on your face!"

Perry scowled and grabbed a handful of the slime and chucked it at Heinz. Phineas whooped as it nailed the actor in the face. " _Slime fight!_ "

The director rubbed his face as the four threw slime all over his studio. "I need to put a shock collar on them or something."

_Take Two_

Perry went to open the trashcan and the lid suddenly flew off. Phineas popped up and screamed. Perry chattered in fright and fell backwards. Phineas burst into laughter. "Sorry, sorry! I couldn't resist!"

...

"That's it! Ferb and I are gonna make you the scariest haunted house ever! Zombies, werewolves, and ghosts, and vampires, and witches!" Phineas said excitedly.

Candace cleared her throat and Phineas turned around. "Like that one. She's pretty witchy."

...

"Perry the Platypus? Here? How could this be? I'm shocked. I mean, it would have taken a total evil mastermind to have guessed that you'd track me to this point, find the secret hideout, glide in under the radar, and infiltrate through this access vent, make your way over to this crate, activating my automatic arm and leg restraints. Oh, right here, this is the part where I—" Heinz froze in his rambling and stared at his portrait. "All right. Which one of you twerps drew a mustache?"

...

"Okay, just breathe and relax," Candace whispered and dialled the number. "Let's try this again. Hi. Uh, Linda Flynn, please. But—" The girl suddenly turned red. "Whoops. Sorry! I must have dialled the wrong number."

...

_Take One_

"Oh, I can't believe it. I'm finally going to Jeremy's house. Okay, now, what would the perfect look be?" Candace hummed in thought. "I know! Girl next door meets pop diva meets Hollywood bad girl crossed with an old school glamour goddess!"

She rummaged through the large pile of clothes for a while before stopping and glancing up apologetically. "I completely forget which clothes I'm supposed to pick out."

_Take Two_

Candace looked through the clothes. The pile behind her moved a bit and Phineas jumped out, screaming. Candace shrieked and whirled around. "What's the matter with you?" she cried.

"Come on, how can I do this episode and not scare people?"

...

"As you can see, today we're building a haunted house, electronically controlled by this giant organ. Every room is monitored on these screens. And by playing the keys..." Phineas pressed a key and a ghost popped out of a box. Ferb, who was sitting on said box, flew into the air and crashed through the roof of the haunted house. "…I can trigger all sorts of surprises. So with your help, my friends, we can build this house with enough horror to destroy the involuntary contraction of Isabella's diaphragm muscle—"

"Hold it," the director interrupted. "Ferb isn't coming out."

"He just crashed through a roof. I don't think I'd be moving right away either," Buford pointed out.

"Someone go check on him," the director sighed.

Phineas went inside and came back out a little while later with Ferb limping after him. "Guess who missed the mat?”

...

"Am I getting warmer? Hmm? The sofa. My keys fell between the cushions, right?" Heinz asked as he lifted up the couch cushions.

" _Boo!_ "

Phineas jumped up from behind the couch and Heinz yelped and lost his balance. "You little brat!"

_Take One_

" _Who's that girl going down the street?"_ the soundtrack sang softly.

Candace smiled widely and looked at the camera. A second later she started choking and she fell off her bike. "What's the matter?" the director asked, baffled.

"I think I swallowed a bug!"

…

_Take One_

Candace screamed as she toppled into the mud, soaking wet. " _Blah!_ Mud got into my mouth!"

"Come on, Candace!" the director cried in exasperation.

_Take Three_

Suzy grinned evilly and used her remote-control truck to splash mud in Candace's face. Phineas sprung out from the bushes and screamed. The little girl shrieked and tripped down the steps.

"Ouch!" she groaned. "How do you people put up with this?"

“With resentment and bitterness,” deadpanned Candace.

_Take One_

Isabella trembled as a large creature slunk towards her. She managed to act scared for a second more before bursting into laughter. "I don't think I can keep a straight face through this."

"Hurry up!" Phineas cried from inside the costume. "It's hot in here!"

_Take Four_

" _You'll find our bite much worse than our bark_ ," Phineas sang. " _One good scare ought to do ya some—_ AAGGHH!"

Phineas whirled around and randomly screamed in Isabella's face. The girl instinctively screamed back before scowling and slapping his shoulder. "Not funny!"

_Take Six_

" _If your hair lies lifeless and limp."_ Phineas grinned as the door swung around to reveal a room full of zombies. Isabella giggled madly. Phineas groaned. "Isn't it out of your system yet?"

"Not even close. How can I take anything seriously with you in that hairdo?"

_Take Ten_

"Behold the face of evil," Buford whispered.

Phineas and Isabella couldn't keep a straight face. They started to laugh hysterically and the director let out a cry of exasperation.

"Dude, I'm in a dress," Buford said to his boss. "If you expect them to keep a straight face, then I'm afraid you have false hopes."

"I had false hopes when I agreed to direct this show," the director mumbled.

...

"Guys? A little help?" Phineas cried as he was lifted into the air. The wood he was leaning on broke and he toppled out.

"Quick everyone! Sashes!" Isabella called and the Fireside Girls created a makeshift trampoline. When Phineas got a little closer, they moved out of the way, leaving him to smack into the ground. "That's for scaring me," Isabella informed. "And everyone else, for that matter."

The director shook his head. "He never learns."


	24. The Curse of Candace Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

Candace tossed a handful of popcorn into her mouth and stared at the movie screen with rapt attention. "Wow, super—"

A kernel got stuck in her throat and Candace coughed violently. Stacy patted her on the back until she managed to cough the kernel up. "Sorry, sorry. I'm good."

"I've heard that before," the director sighed.

_Take Two_

Candace threw the popcorn into the air and opened her mouth to catch it. The popcorn missed her mouth completely and hit her in the face.

"Smooth." Stacy grinned.

"All right, let's see you try it," Candace snapped.

Stacy reached into the bag and grabbed a handful of the snack food. She easily tossed the popcorn in the air and caught it in her mouth.

"Show-off," Candace muttered.

...

_Take One_

"That was the best movie ever!" Stacy exclaimed as the two girls walked out of the theatre.

"Yeah I know. Imagine if you had to choose between a bloodthirsty undead...brainless hot guy—"

Stacy giggled. "Candace, zombies are brainless. Vampires aren't."

Candace sighed. "Couldn't you have played along, just for a second?"

The director shook his head. "All right girls, let's try again."

_Take Two_

"That was the best movie ever!"

Candace smiled in agreement. "Yeah I know. Imagine if you had to choose between a bloodthirsty undead walking corpse and a slobbering hairy-loopy manatee for a boyfriend."

Stacy burst into laughter. "A slobbering hairy-loopy manatee? What is _that_?"

Candace flushed. "I had little time to memorize my script, okay?"

_Take Six_

"Yeah I know. Imagine if you had to choose between a bloodthirsty undead walking corpse and a slobbering hairy-lupine man-beast for a boyfriend. What could possibly be cooler?" Candace asked and waved her hand in the air. She struck the bat cage and it toppled to the floor. Instead of flying out and attacking Candace, it stayed comfortable in its cage.

"And I finally got my line right," Candace sighed.

...

"How come you guys are making something special for her? What about me?" Buford demanded as he stormed into the Flynn-Fletcher backyard carrying a cat carrier with Baljeet inside.

"And me!" Baljeet added, shoving at the cage door to open it. "Shoot. It's locked."

"Where's the key?" the director asked.

"Uh..." Buford grinned sheepishly. "I kind of lost it."

“What?!” shrieked Baljeet.

...

"Oh, Agent P! How long have you been sitting there? Huh, guess I'd better get started. You received a weird message from Dr. Doofenshmirtz this morning, claiming that he will no longer seek to take over the Tri-State Area. Then he used a very unusual method for conveying his message. Carl?" Francis called.

Carl went beside him and held up an envelope. "He wrote a letter by hand and put it in an envelope and sent it through the regular mail with a stamp and everything. Who does that? And it's scented." Carl sniffed the envelope and gagged. "Okay, who made it smell like rotten eggs?"

...

_Take One_

"Perry the Platypus, didn't you get my letter?" Heinz asked in surprise. "Oh, of course not, here I-I'll read it to you." He cleared his throat and started reading. "Dear Perry the Platypus, I know Major Monogram will ignore my letter and send you to stop me. That's—" He squinted at the piece of paper and chuckled nervously. "I...I can't read my own writing."

_Take Two_

"See, Perry the Platypus, I've been setting my sights too high, I think," Heinz explained. "Trying to subdue a modern city, I need to conquer a backward land where people are superstitious. That's why I'm going to turn the Tri-State Area into a...into a...into a something that will greatly benefit me later."

"Not even close," the director called.

Heinz groaned. "Do you know how much dialogue I have to memorize? It's not easy."

...

"Next, Baljeet's request to lift heavy objects accomplished by using gravity-counter active barbells, check," Phineas said.

Baljeet happily lifted the barbells. "I am so happy. I have just torn my...my...oh, what did I just tear?"

"Your rotator cuff," Ferb supplied with a smirk.

"Thank you!”

...

"Now, what's going to be the first part of the Tri-State Area to get a Gimmelshtump makeover?" Heinz muttered as he prepped his –Inator.

Perry ripped the tile from the floor and attacked Heinz. Heinz hollered in surprise as Perry punched him in the face. "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, _ow_! You poked me in the eye! That's taking it too far!"

...

"I have to find Phineas and Ferb!" Candace cried. "They'll know how to change me back."

She attempted to jump the fence and ended up slamming her knee into the wood. With a moan of pain, she collapsed to the grass. "Yeah. I didn't think I would actually make it on my first try."

...

"Oh no, villagers!" Candace shrieked and raced out of the restaurant.

Jeremy walked out after her. "What about your music box? Needs—" He burst into laughter. "Sorry, sorry. I feel weird doing that accent."

...

_Take One_

"Phineas, open the door!" Candace shouted. She hammered on the front door with her fist and yelped when she cracked her knuckles. "Ah! That _really_ hurt."

_Take Two_

"Phineas, open the door!"

Phineas opened the door a second too soon and Candace accidently punched him in the nose. "Ouch!"

_Take Four_

"What makes you think you're a vampire?" Phineas asked.

"Because I can lift heavy objects and I can levitate and garlic burns me," Candace explained.

Phineas smirked. "Are you sure that's the line?"

"Shut up," Candace muttered.

_Take Seven_

"Well I can lift heavy objects and I can levitate and I can't see my reflection in the mirror," Candace explained.

"It sounds like a vampire to me," Ferb said and backed away.

"Whoa, whoa whoa—" Phineas reached behind him and grabbed Ferb by the shoulder. He accidently pulled too hard and Ferb yelped in pain. "Oh, come on!"

"It hurt!" Ferb defended, holding his sore shoulder.

"What's the matter, Ferb? Did you break your _rotator cuff_?" Baljeet asked innocently.

"Oh, shut up," Ferb growled.


	25. The Monster of Phineas-n-Ferbenstein Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"Good evening, ladies and gentle—" Phineas began as he and Ferb stepped out from behind the curtain. His foot got caught in the folds and he tumbled to the floor. Ferb chuckled and Phineas groaned in annoyance. "My bad."

_Take Two_

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We thought it only fair to warn you that the show you're about to see may disturb you. It may shock you. It may even horrify you!" Phineas exclaimed dramatically.

Ferb hacked and coughed up a hairball. Phineas stared for a minute before bursting into laughter. "That is so gross!"

"Tell me about it," Ferb muttered, rubbing his throat in disgust.

...

_Take One_

Perry jogged into his lair and took a seat. "Good morning, Agent P," Francis greeted as he stepped out from behind the curtain. Before he could continue his next line, he tripped and struck the floor. "Ouch!"

"That curtain is evil, I tell you," Phineas cried.

_Take Two_

"Anyway, sorry about the tarp behind me. The storm caused some water damage." Francis glanced down at his watch. "Oh, cheese and crackers! I'm late for...I'm late for...what am I late for?"

"Your cousin's wedding," Phineas supplied.

"Francis, why does Phineas know your line and not you?" the director asked.

"No comment," Francis snapped.

...

"Lost your platypus, eh?" Reginald asked. "That reminds me of a really great monster story."

Phineas grinned. "Tell us, Grandpa!"

"It's about Ferb's ancestor. He was his great-great-great-great-wait, how many 'greats' are there?" Reginald frowned. "Five? Six?"

"Ten," the director informed.

"Is that really necessary?"

...

Ferb struggled to help pull the wooden wagon over the bridge. But the makeshift hump on his back was not helping matters. The boy lost his balance due to the extra weight and the wagon rolled over Phineas' foot. "Ow!"

"It's this stupid hump," Ferb grumbled as he got to his feet. "It hurts my back and I can't walk with it!"

"Stop complaining," the director chided. "You're Ferbgor. And Ferbgors have humps."

"Says who?" Ferb challenged.

"The guy that pays you at the end of every episode."

"Fair enough.”

...

"Hey, Ferbgor!" Phineas called. "The Monster's Ball best—"

The poster suddenly peeled from the wall and landed on top of him. "Ah, and I was so sure I would be able to do this scene perfectly."

The director snorted. "In your dreams, maybe."

...

Candace did her best to use the quill to write, but she ended up getting ink all over her hands anyway. "Can't we put this episode in a time period where they had _pens_?"

"Says the girl who had her pen explode all over her just this morning," Ferb muttered.

"Shut up!" Candace snapped.

...

Phineas watched in awe as his monster came back down to the lab. Ferb let go of the crank and Phineas clapped his hands gleefully. "It's alive! _Alive!_ " He laughed maniacally and Ferb let out a snort halfway through.

"What?" Phineas complained.

"That is the worst evil laugh I have ever heard." Ferb grinned.

Phineas crossed his arms. "I'd like to see you do better."

Ferb took a deep breath. _"MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"_

When the green-haired boy had finished Phineas peeked out from behind the lab table he had cowered behind. " _That_ was the scariest thing I have ever heard in my life."

...

"It began a long time ago with—wait, how many greats am _I_ supposed to use?" Heinz asked.

"Three."

"Oh, good. I was afraid it would be some crazy number and I would have to count them in my head as I was saying them.”

"We don't want to overload that brain of yours," the director muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

...

Candace grabbed hold of Phineas' shirt and pulled him close. "I'm telling mob."

Phineas stared at her, struggling to hold back a laugh. "You just spit on me."

Ferb laughed and Candace flushed. "Okay, we'll try _that_ one again."

...

"You know, in hindsight, I question even including a 'Fairy Princess' setting to begin with," Heinz muttered as he made his concoction. "But, you know, live and learn." He took a drink of the green liquid and quickly spat it back out. "Ugh! What _is_ this?"

"Lime soda," the director said in confusion. "Why?”

"I _hate_ lime soda!"

...

Phineas and Ferb were shaking with suppressed mirth as the bulked-up Heinz ran down the street. Despite their best efforts they couldn't keep from bursting into laughter. Heinz stopped and groaned. "What?"

"You run so funny!" Phineas giggled, wiping his eyes. "It's just so hilarious!"

Heinz scowled. "You try running when you're stuffed to the brim with Styrofoam! It's not easy."

"Okay, okay. Phineas, Ferb, get out of here. Heinz, do it again. And try not to waddle side to side while you're running. It's just weird," the director ordered.

"Well, _excuse_ me," Heinz huffed.

...

"All right, everyone get set for the monster chase scene!" the director called. "This robot is big and it's going to take up some space, so don't get in its way."

"Uh, boss?" his assistant called. "You're going to have to delay that scene."

The director was afraid to ask, but he knew he had to. "Why?"

"Heinz spilled coffee on it."

“Sorry!” Heinz called.

"Why can't we have anything nice around here?"


	26. That's the Spirit! Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"Get with the Halloween spirit, Candace!" Phineas chided as they walked down the sidewalk.

Candace rolled her eyes. "Please. Trick-or-treating is for kids. I'm like, way mature than that. I'm walking with you until we get to Jeremy's, and then I'm outta here."

They approached the corner and stared, blinking. Phineas grinned in amusement. "Uh...I think we're missing a few people."

" _Buford! Isabella! Baljeet!_ " Candace hollered. "It's your cue!"

The three kids sheepishly walked on set with donut crumbs on their costumes. The director scowled. "How many times do I have to tell you? _Stop raiding the camera crew's donut stash."_

_Take Two_

"Please. Trick-or-treating is for kids. I'm like, way mature than that. I'm walking with you until we get to Jeremy's, and then I'm outta here," Candace declared.

"There you are," Buford exclaimed. "I thought we'd never catch up. Goin' old school—" He noticed Ferb laughing silently in his arm and burst into laughter himself.

"Buford!" snapped the director.

"Ferb started it!" Buford grinned. "Come on, Beanpole. Get it together."

_Take Five_

"I thought we'd never catch up. Goin' old school this year, I see. Sweet. No costume, huh, Candace?" Buford asked.

Candace growled at him.

Phineas turned to Isabella. "Nice fairy princess costume! Where'd you get it?"

Isabella smiled coyly. "Actually, I'm not wearing a costume."

Phineas shrugged. "Oh, okay."

Isabella stared. "I got it at the—oh, shoot! I forgot where I got it."

"We're never going to get out of here," Candace moaned, rubbing her forehead.

…

_Take One_

"That's strange. I've never seen _this_ place before," Phineas mused as he peered at the large, ominous mansion. "You'd think we would've noticed it."

Buford blinked. "I'm gonna give those orange peanuts a second look."

A rustling came from the bushes beside them. Phineas stared with wide eyes. "What was that?"

Russell popped out from the bushes and flicked the switch on the flashlight. Nothing happened. The boy grinned sheepishly. "Uh...I think the flashlight is out of batteries."

_Take Three_

"No, not cool!" Russell exclaimed. "The horrifying screams, moving shadows, floating objects—" He suddenly burst into giggles. "Sorry, sorry. The daisy costume is not making this easy. How do you guys do it?"

Phineas grinned. "Trust me, Baljeet wearing a flower costume is one of the _least_ weird things we've had to wear."

...

Perry entered his lair and froze. The entire room was pitch black, and it wasn’t supposed to be, and he knew that couldn’t mean anything good for him.

Just as the thought crossed his mind, an ear-splitting scream erupted by his right ear. Perry jumped backwards and crashed into one of the computer consoles. The lights flicked on and Francis grinned at the platypus.

"Francis!" the director cried.

"What? How could I resist?"

“Don’t be the Phineas of this Halloween episode!”

...

_Take One_

Heinz looked up as Perry waddled in. "Oh, Perry the Platypus, I was hoping you would come." Perry blinked and pointed at the chains that were bound around Heinz's wrist. "Wh...this? Yeah, I had to place myself in restraints. There is a perfectly good explanation though. It all started a couple of days ago, when I declared war on grass. It's not important why, exactly. Let's just say grass got on my bad side. Grass—okay, my wrists are _killing_ me. Why do I have to have so much dialogue?" Heinz complained.

"You'll stay up there until you finish your scenes perfectly," the director warned.

"That's it, I'm calling the union."

_Take Two_

"And as it turned out, cow brain, not a lot of room in there for new ideas. That would have been it, but I started having these gaps in my memory. I had a strange craving to lick salt and I found myself watching the nightly farm report and the...and the..." Heinz slammed his head against the wall in frustration. "Whatever cows watch, I started watching it more. Can I use that?"

"No."

"Jerk."

_Take Six_

Heinz started thrashing around, making the movements as if he were really transforming. Suddenly his wrist snapped and he let out a yelp of pain. "Okay, I think I just sprained my wrist. Or broke it. Feeling lots of pain either way."

_Take Seven_

Heinz, dressed in a cow costume, raced down the streets. The soundtrack played in the background as he ran with Perry chasing him. A few seconds into the first chorus he dropped to the ground, shaking.

The director frowned with concern. "Is he okay?"

Perry approached Heinz and grinned. Phineas made his way over in curiosity and also smiled. "He's laughing really hard. And I don't think he'll be stopping anytime soon."

...

Phineas and the gang sprinted across the basement set with the monster Jack o' Lantern chasing them. Baljeet suddenly stumbled, clutching his side. "Ah! I have a cramp!"

...

_Take One_

"Across the river, we'll be safe in that house!" Russell cried.

"River?! How big is this basement?!" Isabella exclaimed.

They raced into the water only to run back out almost as quickly. "It's cold!" Candace shouted. "It's very cold!"

"What is it with you people and your inability to handle cold water?” asked the director in exasperation.

_Take Two_

They group raced across the river with the zombies pursuing them. Candace tripped over her own two feet and toppled into the water. "Okay, that didn't feel too good."

...

"Everything set up?" the director asked.

His assistant nodded. "We're ready when you are."

The director glanced at the grassy field. Heinz was sprawled out with his eyes closed. "Okay, _action!_ "

A few seconds passed and Heinz did not move. His chest rose and fell gently. The director rubbed his forehead. "Annnnnnnnd he's asleep. Perry, go poke him with a stick."

...

"Wait a minute." Phineas frowned. "If you’re a ghost, and you have a pumpkin head, what did that make you when you were alive?"

"The probability of a humanoid vegetable hybrid is exceedingly remote," Ferb mused. He picked up a skeleton head and chucked it at the approaching supernatural creature. It sailed right over its head. "Man. I missed."

...

"Yeah, but before we go, how about _one_ more trick?" Phineas asked hopefully.

Waylon hesitated. "Uh..."

All of a sudden Heinz in his cow suit crashed through the fake wall, followed by the crowd of flour-covered mobsters. Ferb could not hold in his laughter.

"Are you kidding?" Heinz howled. "I'm pretty sure I bruised something running through that thing. I'm not happy."

...

"You know, for a minute there, I thought there were—" Phineas started and then yelped with pain. "I bit ma tongue!"

"Oh, for— _Phineas!_ " the director cried in exasperation. “What is wrong with you?”

“Several things,” said Ferb with a snicker as Phineas removed his sharp fangs. "You were doing so well, too. Then you had to screw up."

"Story of my life," Phineas muttered.


	27. A Phineas and Ferb Family Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"Ah, summer," Phineas sighed contentedly. "Sunny, warm, some might say hot. It would be nice to cool off for a bit. Any ideas?"

Ferb reached into the back pocket of his pants and yanked out a map.

_Rip!_

Ferb grinned sheepishly as he held up half of the map to Antarctica. "Uh...my bad."

...

"Can't have Christmas without sweaters, and cue snow!" the extra called out as the Christmas scenery was lugged into place. Phineas and Ferb unfolded their sweaters and slipped them over their heads.

Phineas tried to, anyway.

"I can't get it on!" Phineas' muffled voice cried as he hopped around the set, his head hidden by the wool Christmas sweater.

Ferb burst into laughter. "Not only that, you're putting it on backwards."

...

"Wait, wait!" Isabella exclaimed excitedly as she surveyed her script. "We get to meet _Kelly Clarkson_?"

"You get to work with her," the director said firmly. "And I swear, if you pull one prank on her, all of you will be getting coal as pay for the rest of this show's run."

...

_Take One_

"Happy holidays, everybody!" Phineas exclaimed. "Welcome to—" He paused and itched his neck. "I'm sorry, but this sweater is _killing_ me. It's so itchy!"

"Ferb is doing just fine," the director pointed out.

Phineas turned to his co-actor. "How are you standing it?"

Ferb shook his head with a grin. "I put a long-sleeved shirt underneath."

"I am such an idiot sometimes," Phineas muttered. "I'll be right back!"

_Take Two_

"Welcome to our family Christmas special. Come on in, put on a sweater, grab a hot cup of hot chocolate—"

"It's cocoa," the director corrected.

Phineas stared. "Someone's picky today."

_Take Five_

"Welcome to our family Christmas special. Come on in, put on a sweater, grab a hot cup of hot chocolate—ugh! Okay, okay. I'll get it next time."

_Take Ten_

"Welcome to our family Christmas special. Come on in, put on a sweater, grab a hot cup of hot chocolate—"

Ferb burst into laughter, holding his stomach. "Why is this so difficult?"

Phineas pulled at his red hair in frustration. "Because I don't _say_ cocoa! I say hot chocolate! _Does it really matter what word I use?_ "

"Since I’m enjoying watching you suffer, yes."

...

"You know what I love best about this time of year?" Isabella asked.

"No, tell us!" Phineas urged.

"It's the music, like this little number; Let it Rain."

Isabella slapped her forehead as the two males started to laugh. "I've never heard that one before," Phineas joked.

"Shut up, okay?" Isabella said in annoyance. "I'm tired, so just shut up."

...

" _The lights are turned way down low,"_ Isabella sang. She jumped into a pile of snow, preparing to make a snow angel. Instead of landing gently she sunk into what was a deeper pile than she thought it was. Isabella brushed the snow from her raven hair. "Okay. That was not cool."

"But snow _is_ cool," Phineas cracked.

Isabella rolled her eyes. "How punny."

...

"What—" Candace started to say as she went to open the door leading to the cabin. But as hard as she jiggled the doorknob the door did not budge. "It's stuck!"

...

"Oh, how nice! A traditional Christmas special," Lawrence exclaimed. "As my Granddad used to say: Lang may yer lum reek and whit'n fur ye'll me go by ye!"

Phineas snorted. Ferb and Isabella started to giggle. "I'm sorry! But that's the funniest thing I've ever heard."

Lawrence shook his head with a grin. "You realize I'll never be able to say that line as perfectly as I just did?"

...

"Who could that be?" Phineas questioned as there was a knock on the door. Ferb went over and opened it. "It's famous singer Kelly Clarkson!"

Isabella let out a shrill squeal of excitement. Everyone stared and her face turned red with embarrassment. "Sorry, I'm just a big fan."

Kelly smiled. "And I'm a big fan of you."

Isabella swooned and fainted. The director sighed. "I apologize. None of them are trained."

"We're not dogs," Phineas said in annoyance.

"You act like it most of the time," the director muttered.

...

Perry entered the lair and glanced up. He went to sidestep the mistletoe, but before he could do so Phineas raced over and kissed his beak. Ferb and Heinz collapsed on the floor in a fit of laughter and Phineas rubbed his mouth. "You could really use a breath mint."

Perry was not impressed.

...

"Hey, who's that coming down the chimney?" Phineas exclaimed.

A beat of silence followed.

"I _said_ , who's that coming down the chimney?" Phineas spoke louder.

Isabella marched over and poked her head through the opening in the fireplace, craning her neck to look upwards. "He's stuck, guys."

Buford clapped his hands. "Perfect time for a lunch break."

" _I heard that Buford!"_

...

"I know all about this song," Buford snapped. _"The words are by an English guy the music's...the music's..._ Swiss?"

Baljeet rolled his eyes. "Scandinavian. The music is Scandinavian."

"I was close."

...

"Well, still no sign of Perry but we're running out of time," Phineas said. "Maybe we should open our presents."

Phineas tore off the wrapping paper. Perry popped out of the box and sprayed Phineas with a can of silly string.

Ferb laughed. "You did deserve it, Phineas."

"Ugh, it got in my _mouth_!" Phineas gagged.

...

" _Good missions I'll bring, to Agents A to Z. Carl—"_

Before Francis could finish his lyric Carl accidently jostled the edge of the punch bowl, spilling the contents all over his sweater and the floor. Carl grinned sheepishly. "Whoops."

"Guess who gets to clean it up?" the director said pointedly.

Carl sighed. "I'll get the mop."


	28. Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"But I need your help!" Candace exclaimed, glaring at her cell phone in distress. "Stacy told me that...that..." Candace grinned sheepishly. "I forgot who told Stacy."

_Take Two_

" _I thought you already got a gift for Jeremy,"_ Linda's voice crackled through the cell's speaker, allowing Candace to relay her lines.

"I did, but I can't show up with an obvious, stupid present that anyone could've gotten him. The perfect gift means that you totally—" Candace paused for a moment. "Uh...Linda?"

"What's the matter?" the director asked.

"The connection broke," Candace muttered in annoyance.

...

"Look out!" Phineas cried as their joint bed toboggan careened down the snowy street and right for a snowplough. Ferb jabbed the keys on the controller, but they did not change course.

"Abandon ship!" Phineas cried.

He and Ferb jumped off and landed in a puffy snowdrift. The bed-sled slammed into the side of the snowplough, but did not fall apart, for which the director was grateful.

Ferb whacked the control. "What's wrong with this thing?"

Phineas took the control and removed the back cover. "Ah. I see."

"What?" Ferb asked.

"Someone forgot to put batteries in here."

…

_Take One_

"We write letters to Santa Claus every year. Don't you?" Phineas asked.

Candace burst into laughter, dropping the clipboard in the process. It accidently landed on her foot, turning her laughter into a yelp of pain.

Phineas chuckled. "Smooth."

_Take Three_

"Again, let's assume there is a Santa Claus. He's got it easy. The hard part is trying to figure out what people want when they don't write you a letter, telling you exactly what they want most. And by 'people' I mean Jeremy, and by 'me' I mean 'you'," Candace said.

Phineas grinned. "I think you got those mixed up."

"Oh, shoot." Candace smiled sheepishly. "I'll try that again."

...

Perry wandered over to the snowman and picked up the hat to put on his head.

"Hold it!"

Perry paused and glanced at the director curiously.

"Where's the carrot?" the director demanded. "It's not a snowman without a carrot."

Everyone turned to look at Heinz. The German actor froze, a carrot hanging from his mouth. "Well. This looks bad."

_Take One_

"Secret Santa time! Agent P…ah, here you are." Carl removed a small package from underneath the tree and handed it to Perry, who unwrapped it. "Oh, a Sal Tuscany Christmas. You lucked out, Agent P. Your Secret Santa has exquisite taste."

"Carl, why do you keep scratching your head?" the director asked.

Carl scowled. "Someone put itching powder in my hat."

_Take Two_

"Carl! Stop filming your butt, film mine. It's a party!" Francis exclaimed.

The two burst into laughter the second Francis finished his line. "Ah, man," Carl giggled. "This will take a while."

…

_Take One_

"Oh, no," Phineas said. "This is not how you would say a clubhouse. This is the ultimate rest and relaxation lounge; perfectly tailored to the jolly rudiment world—" He stopped. "That doesn't sound right."

_Take Three_

"Well, I think it's time someone did something cool for Santa to show him we appreciate everything he does for us. So we're gonna turn the entire city of Danville into a giant, shimmering thank-you card for Santa Claus," Phineas exclaimed.

A beat of silence followed. Isabella glanced at Buford and nudged him. "It's your line, bud."

"Oh! My bad."

...

"You see, unlike every other evil scientist, I don't hate Christmas," Heinz explained. "There are plenty of other holidays I can't stand. For example—" His thumb slipped and pressed the button sooner than he was supposed to. Music blasted from the speakers and Heinz flushed. "Whoops."

The director rubbed his forehead. "The one time I want you to _not_ press the button correctly on the first try, and you do it. Why?"

"Uh...no comment."

…

_Take One_

Phineas, Ferb, Baljeet, Isabella and Buford raced around a magnificent pine tree, wrapping coloured ribbons tightly around the branches.

" _Ai-ya!"_

Baljeet's yelp caused everyone to pause. "What happened?" the director asked.

Phineas burst into giggles. "I don't know how, but he managed to get himself tied up in the tree."

"It is not funny!" Baljeet protested. " _Get me down!_ "

_Take Five_

Ferb perched on the edge of a building set and jumped off. He pressed the trigger on the contraption that was supposed to shoot Christmas lights from the nozzle, but it jammed. The boy tumbled into a fake snowdrift below, landing headfirst. "This is not comfortable."

...

"Got that Christmas feeling, tricked Jeremy into—" Candace sang as she strolled down the street. She yelped as she slipped on a patch of ice and hit the cement. She burst into giggles. "Sorry, sorry. It's really icy over here."

...

"So long Christmas," Heinz cackled. "You're Feliz Navi-dead to me!" He started to chuckle and the director groaned. "Come on, Feliz Navi-dead? Who writes this stuff?"

"I helped with that one," the director muttered.

...

"Kids! They get worse every year. Ungrateful little...I'm going to go sit in the dark and mumble to myself," Clewn't growled and stalked off.

"He wasn't always that way. In fact, he used to love kids. In fact, he used to be where the action is—toy making. In fact—" the actor playing the Burdensome Elf paused and thought for a bit. "All right, I give up. What's the next fact?"

...

Isabella and Ferb stood beside the bed. Phineas was curled up under the blanket, eyes closed.

"Okay, _action!_ " the director called.

A few seconds passed and Phineas didn't move. Isabella noted the gentle rhythm of his chest rising and falling. "He's asleep!"

"No way!" Ferb exclaimed. He snapped his fingers in front of Phineas' face but the boy did not answer. "Buford! Get a bucket of cold water!"

"And you can't just poke him awake because...?" the director asked.

"Where's the fun in that?" Isabella giggled.

...

"All except for Buford, 'cause he's got that whole last minute reprieve theory," Phineas said, glancing at Buford.

The burly boy shoved a handful of chocolates in his mouth. "It's—oh, _gross_! That one had mint stuff in it! That's nasty!"

"And that is why you look at the labels on the box before you eat the chocolates," Baljeet drawled.

...

" _So we've come to let the whole world know there must have been a mistake,"_ Isabella sang.

" _So if Santa and his elves can hear us, we hope we've been clear and concise,"_ Baljeet added.

" _In the vice verses us verses—_ oh shoot." Buford grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."

"The lyrics are right in front of you!" Baljeet exclaimed.

"Shut up!" Buford snapped.

...

"Uh, mmm. It's not that simple. You see, Santa's already left. The elves loaded the sleigh and mapped out his route. It's too late now. Santa's not coming to Danville," Blay'n said regretfully.

The group of kids struggled desperately to keep their expressions shocked, but it was no use and they all burst into giggles.

...

Baljeet raced along the conveyer belt of the sleigh, his feet kicking the presents up into the chute of the cannon. His foot caught in the ribbon of one of the packages and he tripped, tumbling over the edge and crashing into the green screen.

"Those are expensive, you know," the director drawled.

...

Baljeet giggled in embarrassment before grabbing Wendy by the arm and dipping her. He accidently let go and she fell to the carpet. "Smooth move, Casanova," Wendy laughed.

Baljeet blushed. "Sorry! Uh, let me try again."

...

The director left his office at the end of the day and came upon his main cast gathered by the exit. Isabella smiled sweetly at him and held out a plastic container. "What is it?" the director asked suspiciously.

"A Christmas present," Phineas answered.

"From all of us," Ferb added.

The director cautiously pried open the lid. The aroma of chocolate chip cookies greeted his nose. "All right, what did you put in them?"

"Nothing!" Baljeet promised. "We swear!"

The director took a bite. "Wow. These are actually pretty good."

"And you thought we tampered with them, on Christmas!" Heinz snorted.

"Merry Christmas, Boss."

The director smiled.

"Merry Christmas to you knuckleheads, too."


	29. Meapless in Seattle Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"Morning, Agent P. Dr. Doofenshmirtz is on the move. We've tracked him to northwestern Washington. We need you to get up there and see what he's up to. Oww! Oh! My back! Carl, crack!" Francis hollered, holding his back and wincing.

Carl hurried over and gave Francis' back a good, hard crack. The boy grinned sheepishly as Francis slunk to the floor, moaning in pain. "Whoops."

"Crack, Carl." The director shook his head. "Not _break_."

_Take Two_

"Oww! Oh! My back! Carl, crack!"

Carl raced over, but Francis chickened out at the last second and ran off. " _Stay away!_ "

...

Phineas put an expression of surprise on his face as he pretending to watch a ship crash land in the backyard. The robot Meap climbed out and hurried over to him. "It's Meap!"

"Meap!" the robot cried anxiously.

"What's wrong?" Phineas asked.

Meap pointed upwards and Phineas glanced up in time to see a metal claw descend upon them. He jumped out of the way, rolled, and got to his feet. "Wow! Cool ship! Is it yours?"

Ferb suddenly burst into laughter and Phineas slapped his leg. "Dude! I was doing so well! What's wrong with you?"

"I don't know what came over me." Ferb grinned. "Sorry. It won't happen again."

"If I had a nickel for every time you've said that," the director sighed.

...

Phineas, Ferb and Meap raced for the gate. Isabella appeared and smiled. "Hi Phineas—"

Phineas attempted to pick Isabella up and run with her, but he stumbled and they both fell to the ground. Isabella laughed. "Smooth move. Try not to kill me next time, okay?"

"I can't promise anything." Phineas grinned.

...

"The spaceship is right behind you. _Le vaisseau spatial—"_

Linda blinked and stared at her tape player. She smacked it a few times before shrugging. "I think the tape jammed."

"Not even the equipment cooperates anymore," the director grumbled.

...

"Hi Mom, check me out!" Candace cried gleefully into her cell phone camera. "I'm flying away—oops, sorry! My thumb covered the lens."

...

"And a very long time ago, back in the days of yore, a gentleman by the name of Zachariah Yore discovered a hidden underground vein of pure cutonium," Meap explained. "Yore used this highly concentrated cutonium to turn himself into a being so daggum cute that no one could refuse him anything he desired."

The robot then blinked, thought, and turned its head. "Line please."

"Even the _robot_ messes up!" the director exclaimed.

...

"Great. Let's find us some cutonium. The sooner we get started, the sooner—" A clap of thunder echoed over them and Candace shrieked.

"I thought you checked the weather forecast!" the director cried to his assistant as lightning flashed.

"I did!" his assistant called back. "You said to see when it would rain next."

" _Rain!_ Not a complete thunderstorm!"

"Well, you didn't specify!" his assistant snapped. "Rain is rain!"

"Nutcases," the director grumbled as everyone packed up. "I work with nutcases."

...

"Look Mom! We're digging up the entire northwest United States!" Candace cried in excitement. The phone slipped from her fingers and sunk into the mud. "Whoops."

…

_Take One_

Heinz raced into the men's room and climbed out the window. He tried to step on a trashcan for balance and ended up falling into the mud, the trashcan falling on top of him. "Stop snickering, Perry the Platypus!"

_Take Five_

"And look he's got, he's got two coffees, one of which for sure is _not_ for me. It's not mine because mine's right here. Look. See?" Heinz pointed out and took a swig from the golden container. "Ugh! Grape juice! I hate grape juice!"

"Well, we didn't know that!" the director said in exasperation.

"Now you do. For future reference, I don't like grape juice or lime soda. Remember that."

...

"So Boss," Phineas said as he joined the director by the computer consoles. "What does the 'cute-i-fied' Heinz look like?"

The director leaned back and Phineas peered at the screen. A second later he was on the ground, howling in laughter.

"I think he looks adorable." The director shrugged.

"He...looks...ridiculous," Phineas wheezed. "Oh, but I love it. It's a good thing you're editing him in, because if you had a robot of this guy, I would never be able to get through my lines."

"You're barely able to do that now," the director jabbed.

...

"You kids got the green suits on?" the director asked as he entered the set. The child actors were scattered around, some holding weapons and some sitting in plastic robot pods.

"How come we have to be the alien army?" Phineas asked, tugging at his suit. "This is itchy!"

"It cost a fortune just to make our Meap robot. We're going to digitally edit the army in. Just march around, get ready for war, and occasionally say 'meap'." The director sat down in his chair. "Get the soundtrack ready…and _action!_ "

" _We we we we, are going to war!"_

The high, squeaky voice managed to get through one lyric before the kids collapsed into a fit of helpless laughter. The director shook his head. "You know, maybe it'd be cheaper if I we went with the actual robots...at least they would finish it in one take."

His assistant snorted. "Seriously? Meap didn’t.”

“You’ve got a point. Guess I was just born to suffer.”

...

"I'm going up to prepare the machine, while you two finish up here. Personally, I hate the smell of extraction." Mitch sneered and started up the ramp. He tripped over his cape and tumbled backwards. "Okay. That was embarrassing."

...

"No! He's done it! Whatever you do, don't look upon him in that state. You'll become transfixed by his cuteness and he'll gain complete control over you," Meap warned, covering his eyes.

Phineas stared, transfixed, at the transforming Mitch. Isabella peered at Phineas' eyes. "How do you get them to get so big and shine like that?"

"It's a gift," Phineas answered.

...

"I just realized something about myself; apparently I run faster than a panda bear, but not quite as fast as a platypus," Heinz panted. "Who—?"

He tripped over his own feet and crashed into Perry. "Okay, that wasn't fun. Stop laughing, Peter the Panda!"

...

"Balloony, whatever happened to us?" Heinz cried, shielding himself. He attempted to whimper but instead burst into giggles. " _It's like I'm breaking up with a balloon_. You can't possibly understand how amusing I find this."

...

Isabella swung down to the platform. She let go of the rope and tried to land neatly, but ended up striking the metal platform and tumbling head-over-heels. "Phineas! You better not be taking a video of this! _Put your phone away!_ "

Phineas and Ferb high-fived. "This is so going on the Internet."


	30. Where's Perry? Part One Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The italicized section of bloopers came from FrostShadowStar from FF.net.
> 
> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"It's so exciting," Betty Jo said. "I remember our trip to Arkansas."

"That was Africa," Clyde corrected. "No, wait, that doesn't sound right."

"Whoops, my fault. I got them mixed up."

Phineas laughed. "I don't know. I think this episode would work if we went to Arkansas instead of Africa."

"Stop being a wise guy," the director warned. "And take your places. Oh, and when we _do_ get to Africa, try not to get eaten by a lion."

...

_Take One_

Perry glanced at his wrist communicator as it went off. He adjusted himself so he could see the screen properly and ended up whacking his head off the top of the pet carrier. He chattered in irritation and rubbed his head.

_Take Two_

"I'm sorry Agent P. You know we wouldn't do this if it weren't an emergency. I'm afraid you're going to have to miss your family vacation. Use host escape diversion technique 123," Francis ordered.

Perry chuckled and the director smirked. "It was a good try, Francis. It's B-17."

"Eh, I was close enough." Francis shrugged.

_Take Three_

Phineas frowned in concern when Perry started coughing violently. He lifted the cage to his face. "Hey! You okay, boy?"

Perry let out another cough and Phineas hastily shoved the cage in Ferb's arms. "Gross. I got platypus spit on my cheek."

"Good one," Ferb praised Perry. "Try hacking one in his eye next time."

...

_Take One_

"The travel guide says it's the top romantic destination restaurant," Linda exclaimed. "Five-star service. Pan-pan...pana—" She squinted at the pamphlet. "I think you need to give me some reading glasses soon. How about the next episode be called, ' _When Linda Goes to the Eye Doctor?'_ "

Lawrence chuckled. "I'm sure that would attract a lot of viewers."

_Take Two_

"But I got here first. Why should I sit in the middle seat?" Baljeet demanded.

Buford picked the Indian boy up and went to plop him in the middle seat. He tripped over his shoelace and accidently threw Baljeet onto Isabella's lap. The girl lifted up her Fireside Girl manual and grinned in amusement. "Whatcha doin'?"

_Take Three_

"Perry would have loved sitting on the tarmac for no reason," Phineas sighed. He glanced at Ferb and grinned. "If you keep scratching your neck like that, you're going to tear the skin off."

"If I could get to my neck, I probably would," Ferb growled, attempting to itch his fully-covered neck. "These things are itchy!"

Phineas peered closely. "No wonder. Someone put itching powder on them."

"Son of a—"

" _Ferb!_ " the director snapped.

"I was going to say 'son of a gun'!" Ferb protested, yanking the neck warmers off. "I swear!"

"Uh-huh." Phineas laughed. "Sure you were."

_Take Five_

"Thanks." Isabella beamed and took the orange juice. "Gentlemen," she said smugly, placing the orange juice on the arm rest. She accidentally jostled it with her elbow and it spilled all over Baljeet. "Whoops! Sorry!"

"This is a very uncomfortable feeling," Baljeet said flatly.

...

"Who's magicin'? I'm just givin' away cards," Buford said.

"Can I have one?" Baljeet asked.

"No." Buford jerked the cards away, accidently dropping them in the process. "Ugh."

"Looks like Buford gets to play Fifty-Two Pickup," the director drawled.

...

"When I was a child, I grew flabby, which made me want to make the Fitness Equipment Lock-Inator. Bum bum bum. I just run on this treadmill, and out comes a sonic beam that locks every other piece of fitness equipment in the Tri-State Area. Blah, blah, blah. Everyone's fat and tired. I sprint into city hall and...and I forgot my next line, but that's okay!"

Heinz hustled Perry off set. "You go back to the start point. We'll get it this time, I swear! _Let's move!_ "

The director shook his head. "Okay, we need to cut back his coffee supply."

...

"Does that banana have international coverage?" Candace asked the monkey in the cage.

The monkey blinked at her and threw the banana through the bars. It struck Candace on the forehead. "Ouch!"

...

Phineas smiled as the jeep rolled across the Savannah. A second later he was gagging, clutching his throat. "I swallowed a bug! Ugh, I have to stop doing that."

...

"Candace!" the director hissed.

The girl walked over to him. "Yeah, Boss?"

"See those baby cheetahs over there?" He pointed across the Savannah towards the little kittens. "Go over and pet them."

"What?!"

"I need a montage for the Savannah scene! The mother isn't around, so go do it before she gets back!"

“Boss. I think this is all kinds of illegal and I am totally within my rights to file a complaint.”

“Are you?”

“No.” Candace gulped and hesitantly walked towards the baby cheetahs. “I’m crazy, apparently.”

The cheetahs glanced up as she approached. Candace bent down cautiously and patted one on the head.

" _ROAR!"_

_"AAGGHH!"_

"Okay, get in the jeeps!" the director said hurriedly, scrambling for the nearest one. "I think that's enough footage for today. _Run Candace! Run!_ "

...

"You want us to lounge on a tree branch, next to a cheetah," Phineas said slowly. "Do you remember what happened to Candace?"

"Well, she's fine. And besides, the mother was protecting her young. This cheetah isn't. It's just loafing around like all these big cats do during the day."

Phineas and Ferb exchanged dubious glances. "Okay, but you better have those jeeps running."

"So much for valuing our safety over anything else," Ferb muttered as they climbed the tree.

"Eh, we've handled worse." Phineas shrugged.

The two boys collapsed on the tree branch across from the one the cheetah was on. The cheetah glanced at them and stared for a moment.

" _ROAR!"_

The two boys tumbled from the tree and scrambled for the jeeps. "You've got enough footage!" Phineas cried. "Let's go!"

"You know, I'd probably be having a lot more fun in Africa if my boss wasn't trying to kill me," Ferb mused.

...

"Doofenshmirtz? What are you doing here? Did you finally come here to surrender?" Francis asked.

Heinz snorted. "Yeah right Francis. Want to give me a hand with these boxes?"

Just as he finished his line, he dropped the box down the ramp. "Whoops. I hope nothing important was in there."

...

" _Yeah, but whose skull is he caressing?" Heinz asked._

" _Wait, hold it! Carl...we don't remember having you caresses a skull in this scene," the director said slowly, eyeing the actor up warily._

" _I thought it would make me seem eviller," Carl answered._

" _There's a difference between being evil and creepy. Right now, you're creeping us all out," the director responded._

_Carl glared. "Sure. I can't pet a skull when evil, but Linda can_ wash _a skull in her kitchen sink for no apparent reason."_

_The director hummed in thought. "Fair point. Continue on."_

...

"Oh Perry, it's a shame you couldn't go to Africa with the boys—shoot! I did it again." Betty Jo snapped her fingers. "They did go to Africa, but I think they went Arkansas. Okay, I'm good now."

...

" _I used to put up with too much aggravation. But take a look at me now, I got a new vocation,"_ Carl sang.

Francis burst into laughter and Carl scowled. "Come on, man!"

"Sorry, sorry! I can't keep it together with Heinz throwing his head around next to me," Francis chuckled.

...

"Yes, Danville U.S.A. D-A-V—oh shoot." Candace pressed a hand against her forehead, grinning. "Apparently, I can no longer spell."

...

"You said you had something important to tell me. What is it?" Candace asked excitedly.

"I...just...wanted...to...tell...you...that...you're...weird," Jeremy's static-y voice said.

"I'm not impressed," Candace responded flatly.

...

"Wait, wait, no, not all the –Inators at once!" Carl exclaimed.

Perry looked around with wide eyes as the –Inators glowed. In a second, he had gotten hit by about a dozen strands of silly string. Perry chattered in annoyance, trying to remove himself from the sticky mass.

Heinz burst into laughter. "It took most of my break to get this set up, but it was worth it."


	31. Where's Perry? Part Two Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"You fool! Without Agent P's pawprint, I can't unlock the computer. And without the computer, I can't take over the Tri-State Area," Carl cried.

"Nice recap," Francis praised.

"Quiet back there!" Carl snapped, his lips twitching in a grin.

"Smiling kind of ruins it," Heinz pointed out.

"I was hoping no one would notice." Carl laughed. "Okay, I'll be serious this time."

...

"The only –Inator we haven't ruled out that we actually have is the Go-Home-Inator. Meaning Perry the Platypus is home!" Carl snapped, shoving Heinz backwards. Heinz stumbled into the closet door, but instead of opening it stayed firmly shut and his head whacked off the wood.

"Who's the idiot that locked the closet door?" Heinz groaned.

...

"Not any more Monograndpa." Carl grinned. He boarded the jet and started it.

Nothing happened.

"I think it's out of gas!" Carl hollered.

"Of course it is!" the director said flatly. "Nothing _ever_ goes right around this joint."

...

_Take One_

"He broke up with me. Of course he broke up with me. I mean look at me, I'm a bundle of unbridled neuroses! I'm in Africa, surrounded by natural wonders. And all I can think about is finding a cell phone," Candace ranted. "I'd break up with me too!"

"Uh, Candace? You're supposed to fall from the tree now," the director reminded the girl when she didn't move.

"I know, but I also recall the last time I was supposed to fall out of something. I didn't like it." Candace crossed her arms. "I would like this tree surrounded by more mats, so there is no possible way that I will severely hurt myself."

"Well," the director mused, "I suppose she has good reason to be worried. You heard the girl, guys.”

_Take Two_

"Are you okay, Mr. Pockets?" Candace asked, placing the monkey on her shoulder. "Jeremy's right. I shouldn't— _ouch!_ Mr. Pockets is pulling out my hair! _Ow! Get him off!_ "

...

"Hold on everyone!" Phineas hollered. He pushed off from the cliff and swung towards his friends. Ferb and Isabella grabbed hold and the redhead turned around. "Baljeet!"

Baljeet jumped from his vine and reached for Phineas'. He missed by inches and tumbled to the ground, which was only a few feet from where he had been hanging. Depth would be added by cleverly edited footage. He smacked into the safety mat and a curious meerkat scuttled over and studied Baljeet. The Indian boy managed to lift his head. "Hello, Timon. How has show business been?"

"Hilarious." The director couldn't help but smile. "Now get up there and try again."

...

The Flynn-Fletcher robots broke down the door. Carl stood in the doorframe; eyes narrowed. "Honey, I'm home!"

"Come on, Carl!" the director cried in exasperation. "It's not cheap to make an episode, you know."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist."

...

"Not if Carl takes it over first," Francis pointed out.

Heinz thought it over.

"Let it sink in. Two...three..."

Heinz's eyes grew wide and he let out a high-pitched shriek, which turned into a coughing fit. "Okay, I reached puberty a _long_ time ago. My voice cannot go that high anymore. Stop laughing, Francis!"

...

Candace smiled down at the monkey beside her as she swung on a vine. A second later the vine snapped and she tumbled to the ground. "Ouch!"

"I think that's a sign to lay off the pizza," Phineas jabbed with a smirk.

The director shook his head as Candace chased Phineas through the trees. "That kid needs to learn boundaries."

...

"And stop looking for Perry? Are you kidding? He's our pet! He's more than our pet. He's our friend. And—" Phineas burst into giggles.

"Phineas!" the director snapped.

"It's not my fault!" defended Phineas. "Buford, stop grinning like that! It's making me laugh."

"Sorry!"

...

Carl peered out from behind the bushes, watching the kids. "Candy corn," he ordered.

Lawrence the robot dropped a piece of candy corn into Carl's hand. The boy tossed it to his mouth and missed. "Oh wow. That was a fail."

...

"Candace," the Candace robot stated.

Candace shook her head. "Candar."

"Candace. Love—" the robot started to say, but suddenly shut down before it could complete its line. Candace poked the robot and it fell over.

"Dead batteries," the girl said.

The director threw his hands in the air. "Does _anyone_ bother to recharge the batteries in _anything_ around here?"

...

"Perry must be scared. We're coming for you buddy!" Phineas called as he and his friends hurried across the log.

"Too easy." Carl smirked.

The log snapped and the five kids plummeted towards the rapids. Phineas' screams turned into helpless laughter and the others joined in.

The director rolled his eyes. "Someone go fish them out. It's not exactly dramatic when they _laugh_ as they rocket to their possible death."

...

"And now you're going to give me a hand. Literally." Carl grinned.

Perry whistled loudly, but nothing happened.

"And my African OWCA animal recruits are where?" the director asked.

"Oh. I forgot to tell you. We couldn’t rent elephants and the lot for this episode,” his assistant replied. “That practice is frowned upon anyway, so it’s probably for the better.”

“It would have been really, really nice if you had let me know earlier.”

“Sorry.”

...

_Take Twenty_

"Everybody, get behind me!" Phineas called. His friends swam behind him and they sped for the tree.

And then they missed the tree—again.

"Sorry!" Phineas cried as they shot down the rapids. _"We'll get it next time, I swear!"_

The director watched as they disappeared from view. His assistant looked at him. "Aren’t you going to send the boats to get them?”

"I'm debating whether or not I should leave them floundering in the rapids. They missed the freaking tree _twenty times_."

...

Candace swung down on a vine and landed a swift kick to the robot Buford. A _crunch_ echoed when her bare foot connected with solid metal. "Ouch," she whimpered.

...

"I still need a few parts," Heinz admitted, looking at his almost-completed Good-Inator.

"No problem." Francis jumped from the wrecked ship and tugged at his Nehru jacket. “It won’t come off!"

...

"You saved me. Why did you sacrifice yourself?" Candace asked in surprise.

"No Jeremy robot for me," the Candace robot said sadly.

Candace's lips twitched into a smile.

" _Candace!_ " the director cried in exasperation.

"I'm sorry!" Candace giggled. "I really am."

"Sure you are," the director grumbled.

…

_Take One_

"Agent P. I need you to get evil Carl in front of that 'X', and—stop laughing at me, Perry!" Francis snapped. "I know I'm in a leotard. I know I look ridiculous. You are not helping matters by laughing!"

_Take Two_

"Your prehensile tail won't save you now," Carl growled. He pulled with a little too much force, and Perry was yanked from the rock and into Carl. They both tumbled down the cliff and smacked to the ground. "My bad," he wheezed.

Perry chattered in annoyance.

_Take Five_

"Uh, recent events have brought it to my attention that you're a great help to me. And—" Francis noticed Carl trying to hide his laughter. "Carl!"

"It's a case of the giggles!" Carl protested. "I can't help it!"

"All you guys ever have is the case of the giggles," the director pointed out.

...

"Chill guys, I got this." Candace smiled and attempted a Tarzan yell. It ended up with her coughing and gagging, and the kids rolling around with laughter.

"It was a good try," the director said.

...

"I admit, I have never really studied the platypus, but I am absolutely shocked that this one somehow followed you all the way to Africa. It seems, impossible," Ignatius said.

"Well, ever since George Shaw wrote the first description of the platypus for highly skeptical—" Ferb paused. "Oh, shoot. I forget the rest."

Phineas punched him in the shoulder. "You have one line in this episode. And you manage to screw this up."

"Oh, shut up."


	32. Happy New Year Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"Phineas?"

"Yeah, Ferb?" Phineas glanced up as his friend walked into his dressing room.

The green-haired boy eyed the amount of garlic bread Phineas was currently consuming. "What are you up to?"

"Do you remember when Isabella fulfilled her promise to kiss me with garlic and onion breath?"

"Yeah." Ferb grinned. "That was hilarious."

"I'm going to return the favour." Phineas smirked. "And although I did deserve it in the first place, it was an unpleasant experience."

Ferb snorted. "It's your funeral, buddy. See you on set."

...

"And, of course, there's the other tradition of kissing someone special at midnight," Isabella said suggestively.

"Well then, I know what _we're_ going to do tonight," Phineas said.

"Really?" Isabella asked excitedly.

Phineas quickly leaned towards the unsuspecting girl and planted one on her lips. Isabella shrieked in disgust and backed up. "Is that—? _It is!_ _You jerk!_ _You kissed me with garlic breath!_ "

The director struggled to keep back a smile as a furious Isabella chased Phineas around the studio. “Honestly. It’s always something with him.”

...

"You're not alone in this, we are all sharing the pain, and—"

The beach ball struck Francis' nose instead of the backdrop like it was supposed to. "Oof! Nice aim, Carl!"

"Sorry!"

...

"How are you doing, Buford?" Phineas called.

"Why do I have to paint? Painting is for babies and beatniks!" Buford complained, shifting his feet. He accidently knocked the paint can off the scaffold and the paint splattered onto Phineas. "That's a good colour on you, Dinner Bell."

"Karma," Isabella sang as she walked past the redhead.

...

"How do I get out of—" Irving burst into giggles as he raced around the bends of the infinity slide. "Okay, I'm torn between laughing and throwing up right now!"

"Keep laughing!" the director called. " _Please!"_

…

_Take One_

"Yep, I'm sticking to my resolution and turning over a new leaf. Fifteen whole minutes and I haven't thought of Phineas and Ferb," Candace said proudly. "How they make those things. You—"

Stacy started to giggle. "I'm sorry, but your twitching eye is kind of creeping me out."

_Take Three_

"Gotta bust." Candace shivered. "G-g-g-gotta-g-g-gotta bu-bu-bu—the table isn't breaking."

"Let me try." Stacy grabbed the edge of the table and yanked. The table slammed into her stomach and she groaned. "Yeah. That's a tough table all right."

_Take Five_

"Candace? Stacy told me about your New Year's—" Jeremy's hand jerked and the entire tray of apple cider crashed to the floor, glass shattering and cider splashing everywhere.

Coltrane grinned. "Bad time for a muscle spasm, dude."

...

Candace ran down the sidewalk. She slipped on a patch of ice, but instead of falling forwards like she was supposed to, she fell backwards. "Ouch."

"Huh," the director mused. "She even falls wrong."

...

"No worries! I'm live-blogging the whole event on my podcast! We're trending right now!" Irving said excitedly.

"Right now?" Candace asked. With a smirk she leaned towards the camera—too close. She whacked her face off the lens. "Ouch! Okay, that wasn't smooth at all."

...

_Take One_

Heinz burst through a curtain and stopped to look around. "What is this, the coat room?"

Perry jumped out from behind a rack of coats and sent Heinz sailing into the opposite rack. He stood in battle stance, but the elder actor didn't come back out.

"Heinz?" the director called. "Are you still alive?"

"Very funny," Heinz snapped from behind the collection of jackets. "You want me to come back out in a pink coat and you only give me a few seconds to do so. I'm not a quick-change artist!"

_Take Two_

Heinz climbed out from behind the coat rack, wearing a pink coat and hat. "All right, Perry the Platypus, if you really want to fight, here I am—"

Perry tackled Heinz into another coat rack. " _Ouch!_ Hold it, hold it! There's a coat hanger jammed in my nose!"

...

Jeremy spun Candace around the dance floor. He led her into a dip and accidently let go. Candace dropped to the floor with a grunt. "You did that on purpose!"

"I swear I didn't!" Jeremy grinned. "But it was funny."

…

_Take One_

Phineas and Ferb attempted to do the Gangnam Style dance, but they collapsed into a fit of laughter. "Wow," Phineas managed to say. "Gangnam Style really _has_ gone everywhere."

_Take Three_

Phineas and Isabella twirled around the dance floor. With a devious smirk Isabella let go, sending Phineas crashing into the wall. Dazed, Phineas looked up. "Okay, okay. Truce?"

Isabella giggled. "For now, I guess."

...

"Is this your doing, bro?" Phineas asked, turning to look at Ferb.

The green-haired boy nodded. Phineas arched an eyebrow. "This is the part of the episode where you actually get to speak."

"I know. But I forgot the first three words of my line," Ferb admitted.

"Well, go write them on your hand."

"Good idea! Why didn't I think of that?" Ferb hurried off set.

"Oh yeah. I hired professionals all right," the director muttered.

...

"That's okay." Jeremy smiled. "I like you just the way you are. Happy New Year, Candace."

Candace smiled back. "Happy New Year, Jeremy."

They leaned towards each other for a kiss, but Jeremy started to chuckle. Candace swatted his shoulder. "This can't be like last time, where it took, like, fifty takes to do one kiss. _We can get through this!_ "

"Speak for yourself." Jeremy laughed.


	33. Lotsa Latkes Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"Good morning, Agent P," Francis greeted. "We recently learned that Doofenshmirtz has fallen behind on his electrical bills. This seems odd considering his generous amenity package."

Carl grinned. "I think you messed up somewhere."

"Thanks for pointing that out, Carl," Francis snapped in annoyance.

_Take Two_

"We recently learned that Doofenshmirtz has fallen behind on his electrical bills. This seems odd considering his generous allotment package."

"Allotment?" Carl cried. " _How_ do you get allotment confused with alimony? Actually, how do you get _amenity_ confused with alimony?"

"Stop making me feel like an idiot, Carl."

The director shook his head. "Alright, get ready for the next take—"

"Wait, wait!" Francis cried. "What's the word again?"

Carl rubbed his forehead. "Alimony, Francis. The word is alimony."

 _We're gonna be here for a while,_ the director thought tiredly.

...

"Why don't you call Jeremy?" Linda suggested as she reached for a plate to wash.

Candace sighed. "He's working."

"What about—?" Linda's hold on the glass plate loosened and it fell to the floor, shattering into a dozen sharp pieces upon impact. "Oops! Sorry!"

The director shook his head. "And this is why we can't have anything nice."

…

_Take One_

Perry raced into the evil lair. He slipped on a banana peel and sailed across the floor. Instead of landing in the stockade, he flew over it and crashed by Heinz's feet.

Heinz grinned down at him. "Nice one, buddy."

_Take Three_

"So, Perry the Platypus, do you like your trap?" Heinz laughed. "It's called the stocks! I read about it in this book, _Ten Greatest Hysterical Traps of All Time_. Historical! _Ten Greatest_ Historical _Traps of All Time_."

Perry smirked at him. Heinz scowled. "Shut up, Perry the Platypus."

_Take Six_

"And according to this, the Spartan Army was fierce, unstoppable, and followed every order without hesitation. Which is why I got this!" Heinz raced off set for a brief moment, yanked off his 'evil doctor' costume and hurried back to position. "Huh? It's a Spartan General—okay, I know seeing me half-naked is going to cause you to lose face, but come on Perry the Platypus. I'm _freezing!_ "

...

"I think the DNA from Buford's saliva must have combined with the potato's DNA to make some sort of Buford-Potato Hybrid!" Phineas said in surprise. "Let's get outta here!"

He turned on his heel and started to run. After a few steps he tripped and fell face-first to the grass. "Okay, worst getaway ever."

...

"Right," Phineas said determinedly. "Baljeet, you and Buford go stall the seniors while the rest of us similarly round up the spud spawn. Hey, wait. Ferb, isn't similarly on our list of _S_ words seldom used by kids?"

Ferb grinned. "No, but simultaneously is."

"Well. That's embarrassing." Isabella smirked as Phineas' face turned red.

...

Heinz stared at the Mongol Army in surprise for a moment before shrugging in acceptance. "Oh, well, you don't look a gift horde in the mouth. Welcome to the future, my ruthless Mongol Army. I realize you can't understand what I'm saying and—"

" _Krkrkrkrk."_

Perry's snort of suppressed laughter cut through Heinz's dialogue. The simple sound set the elder doctor into a fit of giggles. The director stared at the Mongol Army extras, who were staring at the two with mild amusement. "How come I hired the people who are unprofessional for the main parts, and the people who _are_ professional for the minimal parts?"

...

"Buford, what are we going to do?" Baljeet hissed. "We got to think of something!"

"Uh...wait a minute, I got an idea." Buford stuffed a sock over his hand and made it speak. "Hello, folks! I'm Mr. Sock! Hey! Who—?" Buford suddenly yelped and ripped the sock from his hand. A small spider crawled from the depths and skittered across the floor. "It bit me! Whoever put that in there is gonna pay. _Ferb._ "

...

One of the extras from the Mongol Army group studied his script in disbelief. "So...in our next scene, we're chasing an army of mutant potatoes down a street?"

"Yup," Buford responded as he grabbed an apple from the snack table.

Isabella smiled sympathetically at the extra's baffled expression. "It's weird, I know. But trust me, that's not even _close_ to the weirdest thing we've ever done."

…

_Take One_

"Ha ha!" Candace cheered. "We've finally—" She leaned forwards a little too much and fell off her bike. "Ow!"

Linda laughed. "Better you than me, sweetie."

_Take Two_

"I'm not as young as I used to be," Linda panted as she pedalled.

Candace scowled. "Fine." She grabbed a string of sausage and lassoed Linda's bike with it. She then took off at top speed.

They had barely made it a few feet before Linda flew off her seat. Candace stopped her bike and turned around with a slight grin. "Better you than me."

"Touché," Linda muttered.

...

_Take One_

"What's Perry doing in a pillory?" Phineas asked in confusion.

"Actually, those are stocks," Ferb corrected. "A pillory forces the wearer to...to...to do something."

"You had one job, bro." Phineas grinned. "You had one job."

Ferb crossed his arms. "Like you're going to be able to do your next line in one shot."

_Take Two_

"What's Perry doing in a pillory?"

"Actually, those are stocks. A pillory forces the wearer to remain upright, exposing them to poking and prodding from passersby," Ferb explained.

"Wow, I'd expect that kind of esoteric knowledge to come from someone a little older. Fifty or sixty or perhaps a septuagenarian." Phineas grinned smugly and crossed his arms.

Ferb glared at him. "Show-off."


	34. Skiddley Whiffers Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"Skiddley Whiffers is the best game ever!" Candace cheered, shaking the dice eagerly between her cupped hands. She then chucked them across the game board, grinning victoriously when each die settled on a five. "And ha! That brings me out of the mud pit—"

She slipped her hand into the dark brown watery mud with the intent of retrieving her game piece-only to snatch her hand back when something bit her finger. "Ouch!"

Phineas peeked into the water and grinned. "Aw, what a cute little snapping turtle."

" _Snapping turtle?_ Who would put a snapping turtle in there?!"

"The real question is, who _wouldn't_?"

_Take Two_

"That brings me out of the mud pit, into the car wash, through the terrible tower and, uh oh, roll again! Yes! Double kings, baby!"

Candace got a little too excited and sent Phineas' and Ferb's game pieces flying as she shoved them aside so her piece could move on through the coloured squares.

"I'd like to point out that this is _rigged_ for you to win," Ferb remarked.

...

Perry grabbed Phineas' red guitar and quickly played his theme song. The amp resting next to the guitar tilted, revealing a secret entrance. The platypus jumped down and landed in his chair, only to have water balloons drop down on him seconds later.

"Okay, who replaced the confetti?" the director demanded.

Perry squeezed out his soaking fedora and glared accusingly at the two males on the monitor screen. Francis and Carl held their hands up in protest.

"It wasn't us! I swear!" cried Carl.

"That's what you guys always say," the director grumbled.

...

"All right everyone!" Heinz called, climbing out of his camping van and scanning the surrounding landscape. "We're here. Let's unpack so we can get a head start."

"We?" Vanessa echoed, reaching into the van and grabbing her backpack. "Shouldn't you be off playing with your little platypus friend?"

She slung her backpack over her shoulders and the heavy weight on her back immediately caused her to topple backwards. "Well, that's embarrassing."

"Trust me, worse things can happen," Heinz grumbled.

…

_Take One_

"I suppose you're wondering why I called you all here today."

"Yeah, actually, we were." Buford arched an eyebrow at the tarp covering mysterious objects.

Phineas smiled and extended his arm. "Ferb?"

Ferb grabbed the tarp and pulled. And pulled. And pulled. But no matter how much strength he put into his tugs; the tarp was staying firm. "I think it's caught on something!"

Buford tilted his head and smirked. "Yeah. Dinner Bell is standing on it."

"Oops, sorry!"

_Take Three_

Buford scanned the giant objects with a frown. "That's not clearing anything up for me."

"I don't care what it is, the hairdryer is _mine_ ," Isabella whispered.

"Al lright!" Candace hollered, racing over to the group of kids. "Nobody move! You two! You think you can just make giant thingies for all the world to see? Well no sir! I'm gonna put the bust on you, but good!"

She twisted on her heel but put too much weight forwards and fell. She quickly climbed to her feet and jabbed a finger at Phineas and Ferb, who were now laughing. "You think you can just make giant thingies for all the world to see? Well—"

"Why are you still going?" Baljeet cried. "We cannot use this!"

"We'll make it work!"

_Take Four_

"And you don't even have to do any work!" Phineas exclaimed, holding the die in his hand. "Just roll a number on this electronic die and the game pieces will automatically move that many spaces across Danville."

"Yeah, yeah. Let's get this party started!" Candace cheered. "Lob it over!"

Phineas tossed the die and it soared over Candace's head. "My bad."

"Nice throw, All-Star." Candace rolled her eyes.

_Take Five_

"Six!" Candace grinned at the black number on the electronic die. "So long, losers!"

The sneaker jumped, catching Candace off guard and sending her flying. The girl shrieked in surprise as she crashed into the bushes. "Whoa! These things have some juice in them!"

"Someone catch the sneaker before it gets too far!" the director called.

"Why can't you just use the remote control?" his assistant asked.

The director scowled. "Believe it or not, it doesn't work."

...

"Nature is our mother and the trees are green!" Johnny wailed, ripping on his guitar.

"Hey, groovy dudes! How's it hanging?"

The teens took one look at Heinz and burst into laughter. "Those shorts!" Vanessa cackled, leaning on Johnny for support.

"Never mind the shorts," Johnny snorted. "Check out that shirt!"

Heinz crossed his arms in annoyance. "Sure, sure. Let's all make fun of the old man with no style."

...

_Take One_

"Is that a Pupmaster 3000?" Heinz exclaimed, racing over to the tent and inspecting it. "I love these babies. They're so far out and they almost never collapse and suffocate you while you're sleeping. But you know the Tri-State Almanac says they should be at least twenty feet from water and yours is an inch too short."

Vanessa snuck up behind Heinz while he was measuring the distance and shoved him into the water. Heinz yelped as the frigid water wrapped around his body. "Cold! Very cold!"

_Take Two_

"But you know the Tri-State Almanac says they should be at least twenty feet from water and yours is an inch too short."

"Seriously?" Lacey asked in annoyance, picking the discarded Almanac from the ground.

"Oh, and you need to tie up your food so you don't attract bears!" Heinz exclaimed and raced over to the food table. He grabbed a sack and was about to shove all the food in when he caught sight of something on the hillside. He glanced over and froze.

"Holy crap," Vanessa breathed, eyes wide.

"Does anyone know how to react in bear encounter situations?" Heinz whispered, staring at the great big bear that was lumbering slowly towards them.

"No."

"Nuh-uh."

"Nope."

"'Fraid not."

"Okay then. _Run!_ "

"I would not have taken this job," the director panted as he and his crew raced for the vans, "if I knew how much it would endanger my life."

...

"I still have a hydrant stuck in my leg," Heinz remarked, pulling up his shorts to reveal his leg (where the post-production crew would add the hydrant). "I'd have it removed but the doctor said it was too close to an artery to operate. That kind of thing happens all the time in the woods!"

Perry gave Heinz a disbelieving look.

Heinz sighed. "Maybe I'm overreacting. Actually, it's just a beautiful pastoral setting and there's probably nothing—"

The cranes holding Candace and her game piece suddenly swung, forcing the shoe to crush the van before whisking Candace out of sight. Heinz shrieked and stumbled backwards; his hand pressed to his chest. He then burst into laughter. "I was totally not expecting that! I mean, I _knew_ it was going to happen, but I wasn't prepared for it. Oh, man."

...

"You have to leave!" Heinz exclaimed, bending down in a begging position in front of Vanessa. "It's not safe here for little kids—I mean, practically adults. Flee! Back to the city, away from danger!"

"Like what?" Vanessa demanded.

Heinz spun her around and pointed towards the bushes. "Like _that_."

Perry jumped out from the foliage, dressed in a bear costume and chattered as menacingly as possible.

Vanessa blinked. And broke into a wide grin. " _Aww!_ That is the _cutest_ thing I have ever seen!"

Heinz rolled his eyes and smirked. "Well. So much for scaring her away," he joked.

...

"You know, I try to be a good parent," Heinz sighed. "But—"

The sound of screams filled the air and Heinz sat up, alert. "Vanessa!"

He raced through the bushes and came upon a clearing, where he saw Vanessa and her friends cornered by a swarm of angry bees.

Instead of charging forwards heroically, he stumbled back. "You're using _real_ bees? What kind of a production is this?!"

"Heinz—"

"No way, man! I _hate_ bees!" Heinz ran in the opposite direction.

Vanessa scowled. "My hero," she grumbled. She winced as the bees flew closer. "Okay, never mind. He's right. You're all insane. _Smoke them! Smoke them now!_ "

...

"Mom, Mom, Mom!" Candace called, hurrying into the house with the electronic die in her hands. "Look at what Phineas and Ferb built!"

Linda glanced up from her dishes and smirked. "You're right, Candace. Call the authorities. It's a cube."

"No time for sarcasm," Candace snapped and grabbed her wrist, only to freeze when she noticed what Linda was washing. " _Why_ are you washing a skull?"

"Hey, don't ask me. Ask the writers."

"Er...you know what? I think I'd rather _not_ know."

...

As Candace ran into the house, the kids climbed out of their game pieces.

Or in Buford's case, tried to.

"I'm stuck!" he wailed, frantically trying to wiggle out of his game piece. His knees were jammed against the front of the truck-shaped piece and he was having difficulty getting them unstuck.

Phineas, Ferb, Baljeet and Isabella tried pulling him loose. But it wasn't working.

"Candace, watch where you're going!"

Everyone froze as Linda's warning voice reached their ears. "No, wait!" they cried.

Too late.

Candace let out a cry as she fell and the electronic die bounced into the yard.

" _All players advance."_

" _Someone help me!_ " Buford screamed as his piece and the other pieces started bouncing.

"We're coming!" Phineas hollered and the kids broke into a sprint to catch their friend.

Candace and Linda came out into the yard to find the kids gone. "What happened?" Candace asked.

The director rubbed his forehead. "The truck kidnapped Buford."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"You know, I don't think any of us get paid enough for this," spoke the redheaded teen.

"You're telling me, sister," agreed Linda.


	35. Canderemy Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

Candace leaned against the back of the couch with her legs pressed against the coffee table for support. "Oh, Stacy, isn't Jeremy's hair the perfect shade of gold?" she asked with a dreamy smile.

_"Uh-huh,"_ came the distant, emotionless response.

"And isn't it cute when he—?" Candace put a little too much pressure on the table and it slid across the floor, causing Candace to drop down from her resting spot against the couch and bang her elbow off the hardwood floor. "My bad, sorry!"

"Back to one, people!" the director hollered. "And someone nail that table down!"

"Isn't that a bit excessive?" his assistant asked.

"With these people, you can never be too careful."

_Take Two_

"Oh, Stacy, isn't Jeremy's hair the perfect shade of gold?"

_"Uh-huh."_

"And isn't it cute when he gets that little wrinkle on the end of his nose?"

_"Uh-zzzzzsckkkkk!"_

The static roared in her ear. Candace yelped and threw the phone across the room, her heart pounding. "I think something's wrong with the digital recording."

"No," the director responded, rolling his eyes. "Stacy brought up an audio clip of static noise."

_"_ I thought it'd be funny!" Stacy protested. "And it was!"

"Can someone please answer their phone?" Candace called, annoyed. "The ringing is driving me nuts!"

From her place in the Hirano household set, where she could hear her fellow co-star clearly, Stacy pressed a hand over her mouth to keep from giggling. There was no phone ringing. "Um...I'm sure she'll be fine...I think."

...

"This is it, Isabella," the raven-haired girl said firmly, slapping her fist into her palm. "The day you're going to insist on spending some alone time with Phineas! I can do this!"

Isabella walked up to the wooden gate and gave it a push. When it didn't budge, she frowned and tried a few more times. "All right, which one of you losers locked the gate?"

...

_Take One_

"So, introducing my Combine-Inator!" Heinz declared, rolling the machine in front of the platypus. With this invention, I was able to—" He bent down to pick up the mutated cockroach-garlic ice cream and almost immediately recoiled. He turned his head away and bent over the machine, gagging.

"Please don't throw up," the director begged.

"That is the grossest thing I have _ever_ seen," Heinz rasped, holding his stomach.

"You only have to hold it for a minute!"

" _That's a real cockroach!"_

"It is not!" the director cried, exasperated. "It's a fake! It's mechanical!"

"It's still gross!"

"Do it or you won't get paid."

"You know he's desperate," Ferb whispered to Phineas, the two boys watching the scene from off set, "when he threatens not to pay us."

"It's a real risk, considering we're the only actors willing to put up with this," Phineas agreed.

_Take Two_

"So, introducing my Combine-Inator! With this invention, I was able to create the Triple Scoop Garlic Ice Cream Roach cone!"

Heinz held out the disgusting and rather realistic-looking prop. The mechanical cockroach shuddered and whispered, "So cold."

The German man flung the item to the floor and backed away, waving his hands in the air. "Noooo! You didn't tell me it did that! That's beyond creepy! I have done some sick and weird things on this show, but this is plain _nasty!_ "

Phineas and Ferb watched the man storm off the set with the director trailing behind, attempting to persuade the actor to return. The redhead peered at the twitching prop and smirked. "I'll give you five bucks if you lick it."

"Twenty," Ferb countered.

"Fifteen."

"Deal."

_Take Three_

As Heinz rambled about property laws and paperwork, Perry freed himself from his bindings and raced over to the doctor. He launched into a flying kick, but rather than landing it in Heinz's face he sailed past the man and went right through the slideshow screen.

"Oh man, that looked like it _really_ hurt," Heinz remarked.

...

"Aw, look how cute he is when he's sleeping," Candace cooed, walking over to the couch Jeremy was slumbering on. She took a seat beside him and gently prodded his shoulder. "Psst, Jeremy."

The blonde boy struggled to stay still but ended up dissolving into giggles. Candace grinned. "All you have to do is look like you're sleeping and snore. If you can't do that, then this is going to be a _long_ day."

...

To make the fusing together look real, the special effects crew had sewn Candace's skirt to Jeremy's pants. It was awkward, which was exactly what the director was looking for.

"Stacy and I just need a little girl time," Candace explained. "So I'm going to have to take a rain check, okay?" She rested a hand gently on his shoulder before standing up. She moved a little too fast and Jeremy walloped his head off the coffee table. He winced and rubbed his forehead.

"You're right, this _is_ going to be a long day," he agreed.

...

"Phineas!" Candace wailed, struggling to pull the sleeping Jeremy alongside her. She kicked open the gate and glared at the redheaded boy. "What have you done?!"

Phineas blinked innocently. "We built this gigantic robot dog—"

"Look at this!" Candace howled, shaking Jeremy around. "We're all fused together—"

Jeremy burst into laughter. Candace rolled her eyes and dropped the boy, temporally forgetting that she was attached to him. She crashed to the ground with him and scowled. "I don't think I'm going to last much longer."

...

"Prepare to face the wrath of Normenshmirtz!" Heinz declared. "You can't get away from me now!"

Perry stared blankly, unable to tear his eyes away from the mechanical creation.

"Perry, I know it's ugly, but try to look past that," the director ordered.

"Did you just call me ugly?" Heinz asked, annoyed.

"I'm calling half the robot ugly. It's up to you to decide which half I'm referring to."

"Yeah, you just called me ugly."

...

_Take One_

"So, Candace, sorry I was so hard on you before," Stacy apologized, taking a seat across from the redhead. "I know you and Jeremy aren't together all the time."

"No, really, it's okay!" Candace said quickly. "It's nice—"

The tablecloth started trembling and Jeremy's snorts could be heard from underneath. "Jeremy, you need to hold it together!" Candace cried, exasperated. "My knees hurt!"

"I'm sorry! I guess I have a case of the giggles today."

"When don't you have a case of the giggles?" the director asked, rolling his eyes.

_Take Two_

"So, I hear there's a ton of vintage clothing stalls at the street fair this year," Candace commented, reaching down to cover Jeremy's lips with one hand.

" _Ouch_!" Jeremy cried suddenly.

Candace winced and pulled her hand up. "Did I just stick a finger up your nose?"

"You did that on purpose!"

"I did not! I meant to poke you in the eye."

...

_Take One_

Candace turned her bag of luggage around, managing a smile at the purse Stacy had selected. She grinned nervously and Stacy burst into laughter.

"Stacy!" Candace groaned. Jeremy said something from inside the bag that Candace couldn’t make out and she unzipped it.

"This is ridiculous," Jeremy wheezed. "I can handle being dragged, thrown about and carried, but I draw the line at being stuffed into a piece of luggage."

"It's only for a few minutes. Get back in the bag," the director ordered.

Jeremy sighed. "I bet the cast of _Recess_ never had to go through stuff like this."

_Take Four_

Candace and Stacy spun around the tilt-a-whirl, their hair flying around their faces. Jeremy jolted and bumped, his head sagging. Candace cast a glance at the boy and noticed his face turning green and his cheeks puffing out. " _Stop the ride! He's gonna hurl!_ "

...

"What's the green screen for?" Phineas asked, peering up at it.

"It's for the Perry and Doofenshmirtz battle," the director explained.

Phineas frowned in confusion. "The _whole_ battle?"

"Only parts of it."

"Why?"

"I'll give you the reasons why," Heinz said dryly, coming up behind the boy with his script. "In the battle, Perry gets turned into a toolbox, then he gets morphed in with some other things and then Norm and I mould with the refrigerator."

"We've kind of surpassed our mechanical machine limit for this episode," the director added.

"Oh. Is it sad that that makes sense to me?"

"Oh yeah," Heinz agreed.

...

"Isabella!" the director's assistant called, hammering on the girl's trailer door. "They're ready for you!"

"All right, thanks!" Isabella cast a quick glance in her mirror and adjusted the bow on her head before leaving her trailer. She jogged towards the parking lot that was set up to look like a street fair. She swivelled her head and frowned. "Where's Phineas and Ferb?"

"They'll be coming on later, after I say action," the director explained.

Isabella blinked in confusion. She was almost certain that the two boys were onscreen with her from the start, but perhaps the director changed his mind. "Oh. Okay. And all I say is, ' _oh Phineas'_ , right?"

The director quelled a smile. There was no need to tell the girl that a few lines had been chopped from her script. "Yeah. Ready?"

Isabella nodded and got into position.

"Action!"

Phineas lumbered onto the set and Isabella gaped in horror. Ferb's body had somehow been morphed into his, resulting in a horrifying combination of joints and faces. The girl let out a shrill shriek and raced off the set.

Phineas burst into laughter and removed the costume. "I think we just traumatized her for life."

"And soon we're about to traumatize our audience too." The director laughed. "Ah, sometimes I love my job."


	36. Terrifying Tri-State Trilogy of Terror Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

Mr. Macabre slowly rose, the beam from the flashlight positioned beneath the window of the truck illuminating his pale face. "Welcome, children," he said softly. "Welcome to the Macabre Book Mobile. What is—?"

The light suddenly went out, pitching the guest actor into darkness. The grim-looking man paused and picked the flashlight up, giving it a few good whacks. "The batteries died? Already? What kind of a production is this?"

"Not on par with those Shakespeare performances you're used to," Phineas piped up from off set. "Our director here may have misled you a bit."

When Mr. Macabre gave the director an angry look, he could only give a feeble shrug in response. "Hey, the actors and actresses of the Hollywood world know what torturous work it is working in this studio. Sometimes I gotta tell some white lies in order to lure, uh, _persuade_ , a guest actor to come and do an episode."

"Is it too late to get out of my contract?" Mr. Macabre asked.

"Oh yeah.”

_Take Two_

"Enough with the feather Renfield," Mr. Macabre snapped, shoving the hand away and picking the book up. "We've talked about this. Now knock it off and go stand over there by the chifforobe. And stay off those olives. I'm saving them. For company."

Mr. Macabre broke into a bout of rather convincing evil laughter. It was immediately stopped, however, as the man turned to the director with a frown. "I don't understand. Why would I laugh evilly over something like that?"

"There are many rules over here in the Phineas and Ferb studio," the director said carefully. "The most important one is never question what the writers come up with. Just do it, even if it makes no sense."

"The second most important rule is never agree to do a favour for Phineas," the director's assistant added. "You'll regret it."

…

_Take One_

Candace lounged against her window seat. "No Stacy, I have the whole place to myself." She pressed her phone closer to her ear. "Mom and Dad are at the movies and the boys—wait, where are the boys?"

The director blinked at Candace for a moment before staring at the script in his hands. "I just want to point out that you barely got through your first line of dialogue. You still got a good ten, maybe twenty in this scene alone."

“So…where are the boys?"

_Take Six_

"But check this out. The light of a full moon will make it evil." Candace reached over and picked up her Ducky Momo doll. "I am so totally doing this." Candace paused for a moment and then rolled her eyes. "Oh, relax Stacy. It's funny!"

Candace held the doll up and stared at it. After a moment she frowned and stared at the book in her lap. "Uh…bibbity bobbity boo?"

"I'm pretty sure the book doesn't say that," the director said flatly.

"Well, it's easier to say than this gibberish."

"Bibbity bobbity boo is _not_ supernatural enough."

"All right, fine. How about higitus figitus?"

"That's it. You're no longer allowed to watch Disney movies during your breaks."

_Take Twelve_

"Candace, this is Ducky Momo!" Candace said in a scary voice. "You must buy more of my memorabilia, like my fiftieth anniversary collector's item bobblehead!" She switched over to her normal voice. "Yeah, but I'm concerned about its resale value."

Candace put the doll against her face and screamed in mock-terror. "Help! Help!" She broke into giggles. "Sorry, just having a little fun. So what's up?"

The redhead walked over to her closet. Just as she was reaching for her clothes someone jumped out, wearing a revolting monster mask. " _Aagghh!_ "

Candace shrieked and stumbled backwards, tripping over her feet and tumbling to the carpet. A familiar laugh came from behind the mask and Candace growled. "Phineas!"

…

Candace whirled around when the door flew open. "Is someone there?" she called. She peered outside and shrugged before turning around and trying to slam the door closed with her foot. "Yeah, I know. Creepy. Anyway, since Jeremy's—"

She lost her grip on the glass of water and it shattered against the floor. Candace winced. "Sorry, Stacy, I gotta go. The director is giving me the glare of death."

…

_Take One_

" _You thought you were alone but then you hear a floorboard creek."_

Candace froze and whirled around, staring at the entryway. The miniature Ducky Momo robot was frozen in the entrance. All of a sudden, its eyes glowed a brilliant red.

"Stop it!" Candace cried. "That's beyond creepy!"

The special effects guy swallowed in fright. "I didn't do that."

_Take Four_

" _You say no, no, no! No Momo."_

Candace fumbled in the top cupboard for a bottle of ketchup. She snagged it, accidently pulling the cap off in the process and spilling ketchup all over herself. "Oh, gross!"

The director squinted at the girl and frowned. "That does not look like ketchup."

The makeup girl wandered over and studied the red substance intently. "You're right. Someone filled the ketchup bottle with fake blood."

" _Phineas!_ " Candace shrieked.

…

"Upstairs!" Candace cried. "The only logical escape!"

She charged towards the wooden steps, getting her leg tangled in the curtains in the process. The girl yanked frantically on the material but it wouldn't come loose. She screamed in fear as the Ducky Momo robot waddled to the foot of the stairs. She tried gnawing on the curtains only to gag and wipe her mouth furiously.

"That is just disgusting," she whined. "Why can't there just be a pair of scissors coincidently near me?"

"Because that doesn't make sense."

"Oh, and me getting chased by an alive Ducky Momo doll _does?_ "

…

_Take One_

Perry started to rope his way down into Heinz's lair. The rope snapped halfway and Perry crashed to the ground. Heinz snickered. "Smooth move, Bond."

_Take Two_

"Anyhoo, you should know that the mysterious book you are trapped in has a very interesting chapter on… _bum-bum-bum_...the inexplicable Giant Floating Baby Head!"

Heinz threw his arms out to the sides as thunder boomed and lightning flashed. He managed to keep a straight face for a few seconds after the effects before breaking down into laughter. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Let's do it again."

_Take Four_

" _Bum-bum-bum!_ The inexplicable Giant Floating Baby— _he he he_."

_Take Ten_

" _Bum-bum-bum!_ The inexplicable Giant Floating— _aha ha ha!"_

"Heinz!" the director snapped. "What is the matter?"

Heinz wiped the tears from his eyes. "Oh, come on! How can I not laugh at this premise? I'm getting three wishes from a Floating Baby Head!"

"Try to pull it together. If we leave Perry in that book any longer, he might become a part of it."

_Take Twelve  
_

" _Bum-bum—_ ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Oh, for—that's it! Cu—!"

"No! No!" Heinz held his stomach with one hand and waved his other in the air. "Wait! Just give me a second. I'll totally nail it in the next take. If I don't dinner is on me."

And dinner was indeed on Heinz that evening.

_Take Thirteen_

"Behold!" Heinz exclaimed. "The Inexplicable-Giant-Floating-Baby-Head-Attract-Inator!" He waited until the lightning flashed before continuing. "Everything I know about getting a baby's attention has gone into this –Inator. Yes! Babies like keys, right? When you shake your keys. Yeah, it's...it's one of the things they like."

Heinz pushed a button. After a brief moment a large object floated up to him. The giant baby head cooed softly. Heinz gasped. "It's so horrible!" He cautiously started to approach it. "Gently, gently. Don't kill me. Just…one…small…touch!"

Heinz jabbed the giant baby head balloon and it popped, sending Heinz flying back into some boxes and releasing a foul smell into the air.

"Who filled the balloon with stink powder instead of purple dust?" the director demanded. "Phineas! Get your butt over here!"

_Take Fourteen  
_

Heinz was sprawled in the boxes, staring in awe at the now-empty space where the Giant Floating Baby Head had been. "It's gone!" He stared down at his hand and gasped at the three fingers that were now painted like baby faces. "Perry the Platypus, look—!"

Perry bit his beak to contain his laughter. Heinz noticed his restraint and burst into giggles himself. "You're right. This is _extremely_ disturbing."

_Take Fifteen_

"Cheese and crackers!" Heinz yelped as Perry escaped from his trap, causing the bookshelf to fall onto his foot in the process. He scowled and glared at his nemesis. "Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you, Perry the Platypus, making me waste a wish? Nice try, pal, but what you don't realize is that this guy knows the real waste of a wasted wish is to waste a wish that was wastefully wished wastefully away very—" Heinz cut himself off and rubbed his forehead. "I don't know what I'm doing."

…

Perry savagely attached the blocks of cheese with a cheese grater. He paused for a moment and grabbed a chunk of Gouda, shoving it in his mouth.

"Perry, stop eating the cheese that's trying to destroy you!" snapped the director.

…

Perry blew hard on his mouse whistle. A small group of white mice emerged from their little home and chased after the block of parmesan cheese. The red wheel spun around and tried to escape, accidently slamming into Heinz's knees in the process.

The German man crumpled to the ground, wheezing. "Okay, that is some strong parmesan."

…

"I wish to be the head of the Tri-State Area!" Heinz cried. He then quickly gasped in horror. "Oh, shoot, I just heard that!"

A purple poof of dust appeared and Heinz was replaced by a giant holographic head. Perry took one look and burst into laughter. Heinz glowered at the head from off set. "Oh, ha ha. Who programmed a mustache into my hologram?"

…

"Suddenly from out of the shadows, the zombie bunny rabbit appeared and then…he ate all the marshmallows! Nomnomnomnomnom!"

Buford shoved handful after handful of marshmallows into his mouth. "Remember, those are for everyone!" Baljeet chided.

"Mmmfmmmf!" Buford tried to get out his line, but his mouth was too full for him to talk.

Isabella giggled. "Attractive."

…

"Hey, check it out!" Phineas exclaimed, peering at the book in his hands. "It says here you have to be careful not to spill grape juice on a platypus, or it will make an evil platypus clone. I'm not really sure—"

"Hold it!" Buford interrupted. He shook his grape juice box. "It's empty!"

"Ooh…sorry." Baljeet grinned sheepishly. "I thought it was apple juice that made the evil clone. I got thirsty, so…I kind of drank all the grape juice."

"All of it?!" the director cried.

"What part of _I got thirsty_ did you not understand?"

…

_Take One_

"Thank you for the lemonade, Rusty," Isabella said gratefully.

"You're surely welcome," Rusty said cheerfully. "Now what—"

Baljeet suddenly jumped up, wiggling madly. "Sorry, but I need a bathroom break!" he cried. He raced off and Rusty gave an irritated sigh.

Isabella gave him a sympathetic smile. "How did the boss get you to do this episode?"

"He said this would be a western-themed episode," Rusty growled.

"Sorry man. You got ripped off."

_Take Two_

"You're surely welcome! Now, what can I do you for?"

"If I may, Mr. Bridges, the city's been overrun by evil platypuses and we can't figure out how to get rid of them," Phineas explained.

"Well, that's a real beehive in your well water. Lemme get my thinking bench." Rusty disappeared for a moment and came back dragging a wooden bench behind him. He placed one boot on it. "Well, it's like old Pap used to say. When your horse starts drawing a bath instead of a wagon, it's time to change the welcome mat."

Buford arched an eyebrow. "Does anyone else get the feeling we're really taking our time with this thing?"

"Look, Rusty, we really appreciate your colonial prairie wisdom—"

Ferb snorted. "Try colloquial."

Phineas frowned. "What did I say?"

"Colonial. Not exactly close in meaning. I'm getting you a dictionary for Christmas."

…

_Take One_

The kids filed out of Rusty's house with bubble-filled tanks on their backs and nozzles in their hands. Rusty trailed behind, strumming his guitar and singing softly. " _The kids knew it was do or die, ripped to shreds with razor-like claws. Their doom was all but nigh. Screaming in pain, they'd be eaten alive."_

Baljeet smirked wryly. "I feel that this song is a reflection of Boss Man's dearest dreams."

_Take Two_

" _Just a-yodeling all the way!"_ Rusty sang. Before he could continue on, he was attacked by a crowd of evil purple platypuses.

"Rusty!" Baljeet cried.

"Go on without me!" Rusty shouted. "You know what— _ow!_ They're actually biting me! This wasn't in the contract!"

"Yeah, I don't think we'll ever see him on this show again," Phineas muttered.

…

"Rusty, you did it! They are all melting away!" Baljeet cheered.

The doors leading to the factory burst open. "You've saved my factory!" the juice box in the doorway exclaimed.

Immediately, the kids burst into laughter. "Wait, wait," Phineas giggled. "I can take the cowboy riding the unicorn. But a talking, walking juice box is just not normal."

"Nothing about this show is normal," the director sighed.

"Can we just get to the dancing part now?" Isabella asked eagerly.

"Fine, whatever. But if any of you twerk, I'm firing you."


	37. Druselsteinoween Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Perry approached the pile of the leaves and cast a quick glance over his shoulder to make sure no one was watching. Someone suddenly sprang from the leaves, catching the platypus off guard. _"Boo!"_

Perry chattered in fright and stumbled backwards. Isabella collapsed to the ground and giggled madly; pieces of leaves stuck in her raven hair. "Sorry, Perry. I had to get in a scare.”

…

_Take One_

Perry dropped into his lair and was immediately greeted by the sight of Francis in a Carmen Miranda costume. The platypus pressed his paws to his bill and shook with laughter. Francis rubbed his forehead and groaned. "Who thought it would be a good idea to put me in a dress? This is going to take for— _Heinz, stop taking pictures!_ "

_Take Three_

"Okay, Agent P, who do I look like? Huh, what do you think?"

Francis and Perry stared each other for a few seconds before a grin curled across Perry's bill.

"Oh, come on! I'm freezing! Why can't I wear a sweater?"

"No one will get that you're supposed to be Carmen Miranda if you're wearing a sweater,” said the director.

"Oh please. I don't even think half our audience knows who Carmen Miranda _is_."

_Take Four_

"Sir, I found your dosimeter," Carl said as he walked on set. "It was—ha ha ha ha!"

"You're one to talk!" Francis snapped as Carl dropped to the floor in laughter. "Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

"At least I'm wearing straps," Carl managed to get out through his giggles. "Your dress looks like it's going to fall down any minute."

Just as the words left his mouth Francis' dress slipped down his body. The man stood in his underwear, his face blank and the only sound in the studio being muffled giggles as everyone tried to contain their laughter.

"Not. One. Word," Francis growled. _"Heinz, if you don't put that camera away, I'm going to come over there and shove it down your throat!"_

…

"That's the plan! I'm checking out my Queen of the Vampires costume even as we speak," Vanessa said cheerfully. "It's pretty cute."

"Great, I'll be there!" Monty confirmed. "I'll be dressed as the Scarlet Pumpernickel."

"Sounds…creative."

"Did I mess something up?"

"Big time," giggled Vanessa.

…

_Take One_

The doorbell rang insistently and Heinz grabbed a bowl of candy before he headed for the door. He threw it open and was immediately assaulted by eggs. Heinz spluttered and wiped the yolk off his face, casting an irritated glance at the smirking platypus. "Hilarious. But be prepared for retaliation!”

_Take Two_

"I had to sign for it and everything!" Heinz exclaimed, gesturing to the old, ancient castle. "It's a real castle with...with a moat! Who delivers a moat?! But it's a pretty cool moat. Why don't you take a closer look?"

The German man picked the platypus up and tossed him into the murky water below. Perry chattered in annoyance, bobbing in the water with his soaked hat hanging over his eyes. Heinz laughed. "And behold my retaliation!"

_Take Three_

"It's a real castle with...with a moat! Who delivers a moat?! How'd they even get that on the plane? It's from my Great Aunt…Henry…Hawkersomething. Did I get it right?"

"Not even close," said the director.

…

"Well, my dad gave me permission to use his castle and then all I had to do was call the best party planners in town," Vanessa explained.

A beat of silence passed and Candace and Vanessa looked at the large wooden doors expectantly. "Uh…guys?" called Candace.

"Oh, shoot! Sorry!" Phineas called, sounding distracted.

Vanessa frowned and pushed the doors open, revealing Phineas and Ferb crowded over Ferb's cell phone. "Come on, guys! We're trying to work here!"

"Sorry." Phineas grinned sheepishly. "But Candy Crush is a terrible addiction. Once you start playing you just can't stop."

…

_Take One_

"All right, the first clue is in the letter. Let's see here. _My treasure awaits you, keep on the trail. A ride up the stairs from under a veil._ What kind of twisted gibberish is this?" Heinz demanded, squinting at the paper in his hands.

Perry approached a veil and yanked on it, revealing a chair attached to a rail. Heinz brightened. "That's it! Henrietta's chairlift! Oh yeah! Here." Heinz patted his knee. "You can sit here Perry the Platypus."

Perry shook his head and started jogging up the stairs. Heinz shrugged. "No? All right then, suit yourself." Heinz pushed the lever and the chair slowly started up the rail. "We're coming for your treasure Henriettaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

The chair flew up the railing. Heinz struggled to keep his grip but ended up sailing off and tumbling down the stairs, knocking into Perry on the way down. The two lay in a heap at the bottom on the steps, dazed and disoriented.

"Did anyone get the number of that recliner?" Heinz mumbled.

_Take Two_

Heinz slid slowly down the window pane and landed in the moat. He sputtered to the surface, brandishing a piece of paper. "Ha, I got it!"

An alligator sprung up beside him, growling madly. Heinz screamed in panic and charged out of the water. _"You didn't tell me you were using a real alligator!"_

The director’s assistant blinked. “That’s…that’s not a real alligator. It’s mechanical.”

“Let him think it’s real,” muttered the director. “They need a good fright from me once in a while.”

“It doesn’t make them listen.”

“No but it makes me feel better.”

…

_Take One_

"Hey, look at you! You're Isabellarella!" Phineas exclaimed.

Isabella giggled. "If I lose a slipper tonight, you know where to find me."

"That reminds me," Phineas mused and walked away. Isabella turned around and kicked her foot in the air, dislodging her slipper in the process. It flew through the air and struck Phineas in the back of the head. "Ouch!"

"Oops, sorry!"

"You did that on purpose!"

"I did not," Isabella defended. "It's not my fault your head is big."

_Take Three_

" _I got squirrels in my pants! I got squirrels in my pants!"_

The soundtrack blared as smoke filled the wide room and the lights flashed. The holographic ghosts appeared, one by one, until the last hologram and the largest fizzled to life in the middle of the room—Francis in his underwear.

Everyone in the room burst into hysterical laughter. Francis scowled and stormed away from the set. "Dang it, Heinz! Come out here so I can kick your butt!"

…

Heinz frowned, glancing around the cramped elevator. "Why did she make us come all the way up here if the clue is all the way down—?"

The elevator jerked to life and started careening downwards, twisting and spiralling. Heinz screamed in panic until the elevator stopped in the middle of the run. "What just happened?"

"The elevator stopped working," the director shouted up to them.

" _We're stuck?!"_

"Er…just for a little bit."

"How long is a little bit?" Heinz demanded.

"Uh…three hours," the director admitted.

" _Get me out of here!"_

…

_Take One_

" _I find that I am haunted by you."_

Monty lifted Vanessa up and twirled her around, only to stumble over his own two feet and crash to the ground. Vanessa groaned in pain and rolled over, rubbing her head. "Smooth move, Pumpernickel."

"Oh, let it go!"

_Take Three_

"Oops, sorry," Monty apologized.

"It's all right," Francis responded. He suddenly jerked as the voice registered and he gasped, eyes wide. "Monty?"

The flap of his knight helmet slammed over his face and Francis frantically went to lift it back up, only to find that it was stuck. "Help!"

…

Heinz brightened when dozens of money bags spilled onto the floor. "At last! Wahoo! I'm rich! I am rich! I am comfortably well off!"

He tugged the bag open just a little bit and screamed shrilly when dozens of black spiders started crawling out, skittering up his arms and down his stomach. _"AGGHH!"_

Vanessa watched in amusement as the German man raced around the studio, slapping his body and howling like a crazy person. "Nice one, Phineas."

Phineas scratched his head in confusion. "But…I didn't do it."

"Francis?"

Francis shook his head. "Wasn't me."

Vanessa frowned. "Who did?"

Slowly, the heads turned to stare at the director, who was smiling sheepishly. "Hey, even the Boss Man needs to have some fun once in a while," he said with a grin.


	38. That Sinking Feeling Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Phineas and Ferb gazed at the surrounding landscape from the deck of the massive cruise liner. "Now this is a ship," Phineas said, pleased. "My, she's far. Is she ready to sail?"

"It's yar," Ferb corrected.

"What's yar?" Phineas asked in confusion.

"Your line. It's yar instead of far."

"What the heck does yar mean?"

"I don't know! But it doesn't matter, just say it."

A dubious expression crossed Phineas' face. "Are you _sure_ it's yar?"

"Did you read your script?" the director demanded in exasperation.

"I skimmed, but I think I'd remember seeing the word yar."

"Will you knock it off? Stop questioning the writers," the director ordered.

"It's not my fault the writers put weird stuff in the script. And you wonder why we screw up all the time."

"Oh, yeah, because your screw-ups are the fault of the writers," the director snorted. "Whatever makes you sleep at night."

…

Baljeet stood in front of the mirror, brushing his teeth.

"Baljeet! The Patels are here!"

"Mmfmming!" Baljeet spluttered, toothpaste foam dripping down his chin and globs of spit splattering onto the mirror. "Mmf muuhh oothsstee."

"Spit the stuff out before you try to talk!" the director snapped. "Or else you'll—"

Baljeet started to gag, clutching his throat and his face twisting up in disgust. The director rubbed his forehead tiredly. “Swallow it," he finished.

…

"Romance?" Baljeet repeated.

"Yeah. It's this thing that girls apparently go crazy for. Give 'em free food, some candles, a stroll on a beach, and bada-bing. You got a girlfriend for less than fifty bucks."

"Phineas!" the director cried.

Isabella, who was observing off set, gave a roll of her eyes. "And _that_ is why he'll never have a girlfriend."

…

"And… _action!_ "

Francis and Carl began a round of _Band Smash,_ matching the colours on the screen with the buttons on their respective instruments. The director arched an eyebrow when Francis made no move to throw the game. "Francis, you're supposed to be horrible at this."

"Hold on, I just want to beat Carl's butt, then we can shoot the scene," Francis said hastily, his fingers speeding over the coloured buttons.

"This isn't a fun house, people! We got work to do!"

Just as the words left his mouth Phineas, Ferb, Buford, Baljeet and Isabella came tearing by on golf carts in what was obviously some sort of race. The director watched them speed by silently.

"Is it time for me to retire yet?"

…

Baljeet rocked back on his heels as he waited for Mishti to come to the door.

"Hey, Baljeet!" the girl greeted cheerfully. "What's up?"

Baljeet thrust a bouquet of flowers in front of her. "Um, if you do not already have plans for the—"

A bee popped out suddenly from the flowers, buzzing in irritation. Mishti shrieked and raced off, the bee chasing after her.

"Baljeet!" the director scolded.

"I did not plant it there!" Baljeet protested. "I promise!"

" _Ouch! It stung me!”_

The director flopped back in his chair. "Well. I guess we won't be getting Mishti back here anytime soon."

…

"Was that Candace on the phone?" Lawrence questioned.

"Yeah. She probably doesn't know we're in the living room," Linda answered.

"So, what do you think?" Lawrence began blowing into the pink tube again and Linda attempted to keep a straight face, only to dissolve into giggles.

"I'm sorry, but I think this the most random thing we've ever done."

"You think this is random? Just wait until you see the scripts for the upcoming episodes," the director muttered under his breath.

…

"So, what I'm going to do is move the lighthouse all the way to the other side of town!" Heinz explained, slapping the lighthouse in a different location on his scale model of Danville. "The boats will follow it, as moths follow—wait, did I already use that simile?"

"It's not a simile, Heinz," the director interjected.

"Homonym?"

"No."

"Synonym. Antonym."

"No."

"Some-kind-of-nym?"

"No! It's a metaphor!" The director cried. "Met. A. Phor."

Phineas snickered from off set. "I think I know _someone_ who failed English in school."

…

Candace snapped her phone shut in irritation. "Well, they've gotta come back sometime, and when they do, I'll be standing right here ready to bust them."

Three seagulls flew over and landed on her body. She scowled and flapped her hands madly. "Will you—? _Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow! One's stuck in my hair! It's pulling—OW! Help help help help!"_

…

"Oh, Phineas, this is so romantic," Isabella sighed dreamily, leaning over the railing and embracing the sea air.

Phineas smirked and gave the girl a shove, sending her flying over the metal bars and into the water below. "Yeah, I'm the master of romance all right."

"More like the master of getting death wishes." The director shook his head.

…

"This food is really good. Do you not think so?" Baljeet asked, moving his spaghetti around with his fork.

"Yes…I guess so," Mishti answered reluctantly.

"Subtle, yet—"

Before Baljeet could finish his line, the rope holding Buford aloft snapped, sending the burly boy crashing to the table and smacking Mishti in the face with his foot. "Hey! Wasn't that supposed to happen a little later on?" Buford demanded.

"Remember your cues, people!" Baljeet added. "We managed to get through this without laughing, and someone gets a case of the slippery fingers."

"Yeah…we're _definitely_ not gonna be seeing her again," the director sighed, staring at Mishti, who was holding her nose with a scowl.

…

"I hope Perry the Platypus appreciates all this hard work," Heinz said hopefully, painting the last piece of his scale model.

"He—" Vanessa began, strutting past Heinz. Her boot snagged on the edge of the carpet and she fell forwards. "Won't," she finished dazedly.

"You had two words!" the director had to shout to be heard over Heinz's howling laughter. "You're in this episode for five seconds! All you had to do was _walk_! I swear, if this takes more than two takes, you _will_ see me lose my mind."

"Too late," Vanessa said softly.

…

"I don't get it," Phineas said in puzzlement. "We've tried everything in that romantic movie but nothing seems to work. The orchestra, the petals, the love song. The only other thing they did in that movie is sink the ship."

The miniature lighthouse model, which would be enlarged in post-production, flew by in that instant, soaring right over the ship and high into the sky. The director stared blankly after it before turning to his special effects crew, who in turn were staring at the remote control.

"Oops," the head of the crew said meekly. "Wrong button."

…

_Take One_

"Phineas, where are the life preservers?" Isabella cried anxiously.

"We don't have any!"

"What?!"

"We've got Fun Preservers! Hit it, Ferb."

Ferb pressed the button, but nothing happened. Ferb checked the battery compartment. It was empty.

Phineas dropped to his knees. “We’re dead! We’re dead! We’re deeaaaad!”

“Phineas! Shut up!” snapped the director. “Someone put batteries in the remote.”

_Take Two_

"Okay everybody, to the Fun Preservers!" Phineas cheered.

The extras attempted to keep happy expressions on their faces as they jumped into the tubes and sped down the steep water slide. Isabella sauntered behind Phineas and gave him a shove, sending him tumbling at a rapid pace down the slide, his yelps mixing with the sound of rushing water.

"Who's the master of romance now?" Isabella called tauntingly.

"Phineas! Isabella! Stop trying to drown each other!" the director scolded.

…

Candace and Jeremy were silent as the orchestra played, rose petals raining down on them and Buford swinging above them. Before Jeremy could utter his line, the rope supporting Buford snapped once more.

"Who's in charge of the ropes?" Buford demanded, straggling to his feet. "How much of a genius do you have to be to hold a rope for three minutes?"

"It's not the rope that's the problem," Phineas spoke up from off set.

"Well, then what is the problem?"

A sly smirk crossed the redhead's face. "Your weight."

As an angry Buford chased Phineas all over the studio, the director slouched against his chair and sighed. "I try to do a Valentine's theme-ish episode, and all I get in this place is a frightening amount of vengeance and violence. What kind of a kid's show am I running?"


	39. Brain Drain Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

Candace swung open the wooden door that led to Phineas and Ferb's bedroom. "Aw," she said sympathetically. "You guys really _are_ sick."

"Oh, you know us," said Phineas in a nasally voice. "N— _ah, ah, achoo!_ " He sneezed into a tissue. He pulled it back and parted the folds slightly to see what his nose had unleashed.

"Don't _look_ at it!" Candace cried. "That's disgusting!"

Phineas rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on. Don't tell me you've never looked after you sneeze into a tissue."

The teenager pursed her lips together and didn't respond. Phineas smirked victoriously. "Thought so."

_Take Two_

"That's great! You're completely incapacitated! That means I have the whole day to myself! I could spend all day on my Jeremy scrapbook, or I could work on Jeremy the board game. Or I could go to the mall and watch Jeremy work from my hiding place behind the Weave and Wig!" Candace babbled excitedly. "The possibilities are endless! This is gonna be the best day ever—for _me_!"

She twisted on her heel and left the room, slamming the door shut behind her. But she used too much force and the door was wrenched in the opposite direction, the hinges squeaking in protest as they were forced past their limit. Candace hastily let go of the doorknob and stepped back.

"You went through the dialogue _perfectly_ on the second try," the director drawled. "But you mess up on closing a door."

"Are you surprised?" Candace asked.

"After dealing with you lot for as long as I have? Not one bit."

…

Ferb pressed a button and a large screen rolled down from the ceiling. Immediately their faces popped up in small video streaming windows. Isabella and Baljeet joined them quickly after, but the window that should have depicted Buford was empty.

"Anyone seen Buford?" the director asked tiredly.

"Check the buffet table," suggested Ferb. "He's almost _always_ at the buffet table."

"Note to self," muttered the director as he went to retrieve his actor. "Stop giving these people free food. It only distracts them."

…

"It's not the germs, sir! It's the garlic smell," protested Carl.

"If you have something to say Carl, spit it out!" Francis snapped irritably.

Carl heaved a sigh and continued on with his work. Francis cleared his throat and addressed Perry. "Anyway, Doofenshmirtz has been seen racking up huge bills in Brain, Bath, and Beyond, the area's largest…largest…I'm going to take a wild guess here and say it's not something simple like a department store."

"It's the Big Box Mind Control Warehouse store," recited Carl promptly.

The director shook his head. "Why does Carl know your lines and you don't?"

"He's a kiss-up, that's why," snapped Francis glowering at the smug teen. "Teacher's pet."

…

_Take One_

Perry walked into the empty lab and glanced around. "Ah, Perry the Platypus," Heinz's voice said, the man nowhere in sight. "I've been expecting you. Sit anywhere, Perry the Platypus, make yourself at home."

The platypus wandered over to the small table in the middle of the room and took a seat. A triumphant laugh sounded and Heinz swung down on a rope, arm extended to slap a purple helmet on his head. But he missed and the helmet clattered to the floor, leaving Heinz swinging awkwardly from the rope that was strung to the metal rafters above. "Oops."

_Take Two_

"I've been expecting you. Sit anywhere, Perry the Platypus, make yourself at home."

The platypus sat down. A rope swung lazily past him, dragging along the tiled floor.

"Sorry!" Heinz called from the rafters. "I let go of the rope!"

_Take Four_

Perry sat down; paws folded in his lap. Heinz swung down and tried placing the helmet on the platypus' head, but found he was too far up on the rope to reach. "Got to get lower."

_Take Five_

This time Heinz was too low and he slammed into Perry, sending the two of them flying to the floor and the helmet cracking down the middle from impact. "No big deal. We just need a new prop."

"You think these things are free?" the director demanded. "You start paying for some of this stuff. Maybe you'll actually start appreciating the machines we have around this place and _stop breaking them._ "

_Take Seven_

" _I'm coming down too fast!"_

Perry dove out of the way in the nick of time. Heinz crashed into the table with a loud _crack_.

"I'm good," he called dazedly.

"What about the helmet?" the director asked.

"Nice to know where your concern lays," grumbled Heinz.

_Take Ten_

Heinz swung down, arm in position to put the helmet on Perry. But he lost his grip on the rope and dropped to the tiled floor. _"Ouch!_ Okay, I'm definitely going to need to see my chiropractor after this."

" _For Pete's sake, Heinz!"_ the director yelled. _"I'm going to kill you!"_

…

" _Buford vs. Isabella!"_ the computer declared. The fighting arena appeared on the screen, along with an avatar of Isabella and an avatar of a cow.

"Who's the wise guy that changed my avatar?" Buford snapped.

…

"Vanessa! Over here!"

Vanessa stared at Heinz, who was riding a tricycle and wearing a diaper and a bonnet. She bit her lip in a desperate attempt to keep from laughing, but the visual was too much and she dissolved into giggles.

"Come on, pull it together!" Heinz whined.

…

"Eat that gum off the sidewalk!" Heinz ordered.

Perry plucked the piece of gum from the cement and popped it into his beak. Heinz shrieked in disgust and dropped the controller. "You're not actually supposed to eat it! That's so gross! _Ugh!_ I think I'm gonna hurl!"

…

"Perry the Platypus, I can't believe you removed this shopping cart from the supermarket parking lot!" Heinz said, leaning against the wire backing of the cart as the platypus pushed him down the sidewalk.

Perry yanked his paws to the side, allowing the cart to tip over. Heinz yelped as his head rapped against the cement. "Ouch!"

"Come on, Perry," the director chided. "We don't know how many more brain cells he has left."

…

_Take One_

"Okay, Perry the Platypus, all charged up and ready to—" Heinz frowned when he discovered his controller no longer worked. "Oh, great. Now what's wrong with it?"

Perry's left arm rose. Heinz stared. "I didn't do that."

"I did!" Phineas cheered, staring at the screen in front of him. "I did that! But I only seem to have control of his left arm."

"My turn!" Isabella pressed a button on her video game controller. A few seconds passed and then Perry's his left leg went up. She grinned. "I think the game is lagging."

"Or there's a delay in our cue guys giving the signal," the director said. "Come on, guys, synchronization."

"On the bright side," his assistant whispered, "no one can get hurt or destroy anything if they make a mistake in this scene."

"You have too much confidence in them."

_Take Two_

"Maybe those flies are power-ups," suggested Buford.

"Let's find out," said Phineas.

Perry snatched a fly out of the air and shoved it in Heinz's mouth. The man instantly shoved the platypus off him and spat, releasing the fly, which flew woozily off.

"I'm gonna get you for that one," rasped Heinz.

_Take Three_

Heinz screamed as he fell down the garbage heap, his hands coated in white goo that was to resemble glue. He slammed into the DJ table at the bottom of the heap. He reached up and pressed his hands against the records to push himself up.

"Dad?" Vanessa said incredulously.

"Oh, hi Vanessa." His fingers twitched slightly and his eyes suddenly widened in horror. He lifted his hands, only to find the records stuck to them. _"You used real glue!"_

"It was supposed to be paint!" the director defended. "I swear!"

"Who put glue in the barrel?" Heinz demanded.

"Fist bump," Phineas whispered and Ferb knocked his knuckles against Phineas’.

"Just you wait," growled Heinz.

The director waved a hand dismissively. "Well, it'll work better like this anyway. Keep rolling!"

"What do you know?" Ferb grinned. "For once, you pulled a prank that actually made an improvement to the episode."

Phineas rocked back on his heels, a smile on his face. "What can I say? I live to help."


	40. Remains of a Platypus Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"I can't believe it!" Heinz exclaimed excitedly. "Just moments away from finally achieving full control of the Tri-State Area!"

Perry glanced from where he was running on the hamster wheel. The sight of Heinz in his underwear was too much and he collapsed into a fit of giggles. Unfortunately for him, the hamster wheel had gathered too much momentum and continued spinning, taking the platypus with it.

"That's what you get!" Heinz snapped.

…

Linda opened the door to see Heinz dancing half-naked, Carl trapped in a cage dressed as a squirrel and Perry running on the hamster wheel, dressed as a butler. She took the scene in, laughed and gave a helpless shrug when everyone groaned.

"This has to be the most random episode we've ever done," she replied. "In fact, I don't even remember why Heinz is supposed to just be in his underwear."

"Neither do I," Heinz admitted.

The director rolled his eyes. "Then I guess this means that you didn't bother to memorize the last half of the episode."

"Hey, we screw up when we _do_ memorize," said Heinz dismissively. "Why bother?"

…

Francis waddled out of a tent, wearing a fat suit to give him a swollen appearance. "Come back!" he warbled. "Wait! High five!"

He was unable to keep his balance and fell forwards. He kicked madly in an attempt to roll over so that he could climb to his feet. "Help! Help!"

As the cast stood by and took pictures, the director stared. His assistant glanced at him. "Um…should we help?"

"Give it a minute. I need a bit of a break anyway."

…

"Ever since the platypus quit your agency to become my butler, I have been freed up to create my ultimate –Inator—the Vaporizer-Inator! With my mind now clear, I stumbled upon a scientific fact." Heinz crossed his arms with a smug expression. "Every object on Earth, when heated to a certain temperature, evaporates! With this, I'll be able to vaporize things at will, and create all kinds of mayhem! I'm a genius!"

He turned back to Perry, who was waiting for his orders on the hamster wheel. "Now, to your station, Perry the Butler!"

Perry began to run and the –Inator hummed as it started to warm up. Heinz laughed victoriously. "Get ready, boys! When this baby powers up, it's gonna be hot in here!"

He grabbed his lab coat and gave a mighty yank. A small tear appeared down the middle, but it didn't rip off completely like it was supposed to. He attempted a few more times, but the coat would not budge. "This is one heck of a sewing job! Anyone got a pair of scissors?"

…

"Wow!" Phineas marveled, eyeing the crowd that filled the Flynn-Fletcher backyard. "I think this is the biggest turnout we had all summer. Eh, Buford?"

"Yep," Buford said proudly. "It couldn't get any cheddar than this. Oh, come on, that's just stupid. How come I gotta deliver all the corny puns?"

"I think you mean _cheesy_ puns," laughed Phineas.

…

_Take One_

Carl hung from the ledge of the penthouse balcony, peering nervously as Heinz paced back and forth. A breeze blew by and snagged the fedora from his grip. "Shoot!" he hissed and tried grabbing for it.

He threw his weight a little too much forward, and he lost his grip. He fell to the floor with a grunt. Heinz went over to peer down at him. “Just think, if this was a real balcony, you’d be dead.”

_Take Three_

Perry noticed Carl crouching behind the generator and he got Heinz's attention. The man frowned in annoyance as Carl fled. "Oh, and I just sprayed for squirrel men." He removed a remote from his lab coat and pressed the button. But the trap did not activate like it was supposed to and Carl reached the door.

"Freedom!" he hollered as he ran off the set.

"Someone catch him before he manages to get the costume off!" the director called. "You don't know what I had to do to get him _into_ it."

…

"Very good, Perry the Butler," praised Heinz. "The trash chute is right down the hall."

The trash bag Perry was hauling started to shake violently. Heinz let out a rather feminine shriek and jumped on top of a lab table as the platypus abandoned the bag and raced for safety. "Kill it! Kill whatever it is!"

Phineas rolled from the bag, laughing hysterically.

" _Kill it with fire!"_

…

_Take One_

"All right Baljeet," called Phineas. "I need you to help Ferb with the foundation!"

"I am on it!" Baljeet answered as he rolled a cheese wheel, with Ferb balancing on top. They managed to last two seconds before the green-haired boy stumbled and fell.

"Is that enough footage?" Ferb asked dazedly, rubbing at his grass-stained elbow. "Before I break something?"

_Take Two_

"And Buford, keep the cheese puns coming!" Phineas ordered.

"Sounds gouda to—" A snort of laughter broke free and the burly boy rested his head against his hands. "This is so _stupid._ "

"Nah," said Phineas thoughtfully. "We've done stupider things."

…

"Carl's off today, and for the life of me I can't figure out how to work this thing," informed Francis. "Anyway, we have reason to believe Doofenshmirtz is up to no good. Again, since Carl is out, I'll have to do the visual reference myself." He lifted up a marker and a stack of papers and started to draw. "He's recently purchased a small tux—hey, that's actually pretty good!"

He flipped the paper around to show a rather impressive picture of a tuxedo. Perry clapped his paws and Francis took a bow.

"Great, so you can draw." The director shook his head. "Let's try working on your acting skills next."

…

"Why cheese?" Phineas asked curiously.

"Cheese is cool no matter how you slice it!" Buford glanced around, but his friends did not give a reaction to his joke. "What, am I provolone on this?" The boy rolled his eyes after his delivery. "Okay, _I_ don't even get that one. Is this episode done yet? I'm sick of cheese and cheese-related puns."

…

"I'm not saying it."

The director rubbed a hand down his face. "I've gotten you to do much worse, Buford. Just say the last cheese pun."

Buford pursed his lips, scowled, and said, "That's swiss-picious."

"You know, the weird thing is, while you say you've said a hundred cheese puns, you only say a couple in the show," Phineas mused. "But the writers actually gave you a list of a hundred cheese puns."

"They have too much time on their hands," said Buford flatly. "The ones I say are the ones they highlighted as their favourites. I was _not_ reading through that many cheese puns."

"And the ones they picked weren't even good." Isabella frowned.

The director crossed his arms. "What, and you think you can write a better episode?"

"A better episode than this one, which works its way backwards before jumping back for no particular reason?" asked Phineas with a raised brow. “Absolutely.”

"Rule number seventy-two on the Phineas and Ferb set," the director muttered to himself as five grins were shot his way. "Never issue a challenge. Ever."


	41. Bee Story Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"The opening ceremony of the Bee Day festival was awesome!" exclaimed Milly as the seven Fireside Girls filed into their lodge.

"It's my favourite part of Bee Awareness Day," agreed Holly.

"My favourite part is the B-flat with the…with the…" Katie paused and glanced at the words written on her palm. "My favourite part is the B-flat with the F-sharp base at the end of the song."

Holly grinned. "I don't think that's going to work."

"It isn't," the director confirmed. "Try it again."

"Before we start again, I need to ask a question." Isabella put her hands on her hips. "Who the heck came up with the idea for this episode?"

_Take Two_

"Chill out Isabella," soothed Gretchen. "We've got this." She pulled down the protective netting of her beekeeper hat. "Ready, girls?"

She pulled off the top of the hive and a swarm of bees shot out, buzzing in irritation. Screaming, the girls raced for the lodge.

"Oh, shoot," the director's assistant muttered. "I knew I forgot to tell the interns something."

The director stared at her. "There weren't supposed to be bees in there at all. The bees are going to be added digitally."

His assistant blinked. "Uh…then I misread the memo you gave me."

"And you talk about the rest of the crew being bad," grumbled the director.

…

_Take One_

Pinky jumped into the purse of a mannequin. The plastic model figure descended down a secret passageway and rose again. The director blinked at Pinky, who was still in the arm of the mannequin. "Uh…did the arm jam?"

Pinky barked in confirmation.

"Guess we're going to have to break out the oil.”

_Take Three_

The yellow purse detached from the mannequin and Pinky travelled down the tube. But on the way down he did not encounter Perry, like he was supposed to.

"Oh, for—what happened to Perry?" the director snapped.

_Take Four_

Pinky dropped through the tube and landed on the purple chair. "Good afternoon, Agent Pinky," greeted Wanda Acronym. "I see you've taken our new handbag conveyor system. Carla here has intel that Poofenplotz has been hatching some sort of bee-related evil scheme."

Pinky tried to hold his laughter in, but could not contain it at the sight of Carl in his 'Carla' getup. The boy scowled and crossed his arms.

"This is not comfortable," he snapped in annoyance. "And this wig itches."

"You do make a very convincing girl," said Wanda in amusement.

Carl eyed her. "Uh…thank you?"

…

"We've gotta find those bees before the sun goes down!" Isabella cried. "But how?"

"In the guideline for the beekeeping patch, it says that a good beekeeper tries to think like a bee," said Gretchen.

"Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz," hummed Katie, flapping her hands by her sides and a blank expression on her face.

Adyson stared at her for a few seconds before breaking into giggles. "Sorry, sorry! But her face! She looks like some sort of bee sociopath."

"Yeah, try to look less creepy," instructed the director.

"If that's possible," added Gretchen with a smirk.

_Take Two_

"Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz!"

"What are you doing?" asked Gretchen.

"I'm thinking like a bee."

"I know!" exclaimed Adyson. "We can get stung by radioactive bees and gain bee-themed superpowers!"

Holly frowned. "Did you hit your head again?"

Adyson rolled her eyes. "Shut up and stick to the script."

…

"We regret to inform you that—oh! Reject me, will they?" Esmerelda angrily crumpled up the letter. "No matter. My newest evil scheme is sure to catch the attention of that silly boy's club."

She walked by the yellow purse on the couch, but Pinky did not pop out. She backtracked and peeked inside. "He's sleeping."

…

"This is stupid."

The director glanced up from his clipboard to see the Fireside Girls glaring at him. "What?"

Ginger pulled on the yellow and black bee shirt she was wearing. "Look, I get that you're going to digitally alter our appearance later. So why do we have to wear these things?"

"To let our special effects department know which scenes they're supposed to alter."

"Can't you give them a copy of our script and cover them in notes instead?" complained Adyson.

"No. Besides, you look adorable."

"And by that, he means ridiculous," grumbled Isabella, moodily flicking the antennas perched on her head.

…

_Take One_

Esmerelda stared at the jars of royal jelly stacked beside her. "Do I really have to do this?"

"Yes," the director replied.

She reluctantly picked up a jar and twisted the top off. She lifted the rim to her lips and stared to chug. The second the substance hit her taste buds she was gagging. Dropping the jar, she raced off with her hand pressed against her mouth.

Curious, Isabella walked on set and lifted up the jar. She stuck her finger in, took out a small bit and put it in her mouth.

"Ew!" she shrieked, chucking the jar away from her and hastily attempting to wipe the awful taste from her tongue. "Gross! I don't blame her!"

"Is it really that bad?" the director asked.

"You wanna try?"

"Uh…no thanks."

_Take Two_

"And I shall not be dark, but beautiful, like the night in the day, and all shall love me and despair! And I might have a grotesquely large abdomen for laying eggs, but I—"

Esmerelda suddenly burst into laughter. "I just got a mental image that was both hilarious and disgusting."

…

"Wow! Humans really take for granted—oh my gosh!"

For Isabella had spotted the queen bee robot, resting against the edge of the set, which had been designed to look like the inside of a vacuum cleaner. The girl stared at the large contraption. "I don't know if I should be impressed or grossed out."

"I have that dilemma a lot around this place," said Ginger feelingly.

…

_Take One_

"Yay! The bees are back! Now we just need to get them back into their hives," exclaimed Isabella.

"Okay little bees, go back into your hive," Milly coaxed.

"We don't speak their language anymore. We can't communicate." Holly frowned.

"Ooh! I have my Singapore patch! Would that work?"

The girls burst into laughter. "You do not have your Singapore patch," cackled Adyson.

"You have a semaphore patch," snickered Gretchen.

Katie blushed. "Oh. Right."

_Take Two_

" _Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, stop! Figure eight and shake it again!"_ sang Ginger, moving her hips from side to side.

"Isabella!" the director suddenly called. "Stop twerking!"

"Sorry!" Isabella grinned. "I didn't notice I was doing it."

Adyson smirked. "Sure you weren't."

…

"Anyway, you have failed, Pinky the Chihuahua, and brought me right to the biggest supply of royal jelly in the Tri-State Area!"

As Esmerelda laughed evilly, Pinky got up and launched into a flying kick. But he missed his mark and crashed into the cement a few feet beside her.

Esmerelda shook her head. "You weren't even close."

…

"Sorry we're late, Phineas," apologized Isabella as she, Gretchen and Holly entered the Flynn-Fletcher backyard wearing their swimsuits. "Our bee ceremony ran long."

"No worries, Isabella," said Phineas cheerfully. "Go ahead and join Mom in the fun."

"Come on, girls! Let's hit the pool!"

" _Wooooo!"_

The three jumped back as Milly, Katie, Adyson and Ginger ploughed through the gate and passed them, still wearing their bee costumes. They made it to the wading pool before Linda and they launched themselves into the water.

"It's so nice," sighed Adyson contentedly.

"Katie, get your elbow out of my side!" complained Milly.

"What are you doing?" snapped the director.

"You wouldn't let us in the scene for the fun part!" whined Ginger. "So we took initiative."

The plastic material of the pool suddenly gave way, splitting down the sides from the combined weight of the girls pushing against it. The water spilled across the grass and the girls slowly glanced up at their boss.

"The reason you were not in this scene is because the wading pool is small and can only hold so many people," said the director in annoyance. "So I picked at random.”

"Good going, guys. You broke the pool." Isabella crossed her arms.

"Uh…oops?"


	42. Mission Marvel Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the Marvel characters mentioned in this chapter.

Sprawled lazily in his cushy chair in his trailer, Phineas flipped through the mass of script pages. "I can't believe we're doing a crossover with the Marvel superheroes. I wonder how much Boss Man had to shell out to convince them to come over to our set."

"Well, if we experience some cuts in our paycheck, we'll know why," said Ferb, sitting beside his friend.

"They're making Candace the fangirl," laughed Phineas, pausing in the section of the script that detailed Candace's obsession with superheroes. "I don't think she's ever picked up a comic book in her life."

"I feel sorry for the guy who has to wear the Iron Man suit," mused Ferb.

"I don't. They're using their regular equipment and costumes. We're bringing all the Marvel stuff over from the _Avengers Assemble_ and _Ultimate Spider-Man_ sets."

"Which means there's less of a chance the Iron Man suit is going to blow up."

"So long as Heinz doesn't get his hands on it, yes."

A heavy hammering came on the door of the trailer. "Guys, come on!" called Isabella. "Shooting starts in five minutes!"

"Here we go," said Phineas with a grin of anticipation. "This is going to be fun."

…

_Take One_

"Anti-gravity surfing!" cheered Buford, racing past his co-stars with his rocket surfboard in hand.

There was a large anti-gravity chamber built in the middle of the Phineas and Ferb set, where it would stay for a brief moment before all the parts got taken down and put back in storage so it could be reconstructed into something else at a later date. There was a door in the glass chamber, and green ramps stretched from one end to the other.

The director watched as the kids filed inside in their spacesuits. "Don't go overboard," he warned. "We just need about a minute or two of your guys surfing while the song plays. I'll give the cue for when the lines are supposed to begin."

He gave a nod to the intern manning the anti-gravity chamber. The switch was flicked and the kids were sent into the air on their surfboards. They immediately went down the various ramps when the soundtrack began, and when Phineas found himself next to Isabella, he grabbed her hand and swung her around.

His intent was to let her go so that she would sail off to another part of the anti-gravity chamber. But he let go at the wrong time and she went crashing into the side of the glass. Phineas muffled his laughter as she floated about dazedly.

"Sorry!"

_Take Three_

Buford and Baljeet lined up next to each other on their surfboards. With a bit of effort, they managed to get their boards vertical and hang on from the top, each boy throwing their free arm and leg out in a victorious gesture.

The director was impressed. "Not bad."

Phineas turned to look at Ferb. "Can we—?"

"Not a chance," shot down Ferb immediately.

…

"We're about to take the module down," Phineas informed Irving, who was displayed on a holographic screen. "Are we clear for landing?"

"One moment!"

Irving rushed over to the middle of the Flynn-Fletcher backyard, where a butterfly was resting peacefully on the grass. He attempted to shoo it away, but the butterfly didn't seem inclined to go anywhere anytime soon.

"We've got a stubborn butterfly!" hollered Irving. "Break out the net!"

…

_Take One_

Heinz stood in front of his –Inator, a smug expression on his face. "Struggle all you want Perry the Platypus. You're not getting out of that! It's hydraulic! I don't know if you're aware of this, but my brother, Roger, is the mayor."

Perry shot him a look.

"All right, I may have touched upon the subject from time to time," muttered Heinz. "But, y'know, I figured why not mention it again just for clarity? Anyway, that job gives him all these cool mayarial…memorial…mayhorial…"

The director shook his head and corrected, "Mayoral."

Heinz looked at him suspiciously. "Is that a real word?"

"It's more of a word than mayhorial is."

_Take Two_

"So I created the Power-Drain-Inator to drain all his powers into this canister," explained Heinz, "and then I, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, get to wield them! Just think, I will have the power to raise taxes, pass legislation and even cut the ceremonial ribbon at openings! Where I'll finally be able to use these!"

He groped around behind him, where the giant pair of scissors were supposed to be, and flushed when he realized they weren't there.

"I, uh…I forgot the prop."

…

The director was on the Marvel set, watching as the Marvel crew filmed their part of the episode before everything meshed together. He watched in astonishment as the actors in their superhero costumes pulled off the scene almost effortlessly.

"So this is what it's like to work with professionals."

"Well, our cast isn't mainly consisted of kids, so that probably helps," replied Marvel's producer.

The director glanced at him. "Trust me. It's not just the kids that are my problem."

…

Heinz grinned broadly after the newscast ended, informing the world of the lost powers of Spider-Man, Hulk, Thor and Iron Man. "That was me! Th-Th-That was me! _I_ drained the power from those superheroes!" he exclaimed excitedly. "Winning! Ooh, ooh, I should update my evil blog on the LOVEMUFFIN site!"

He dropped down at his laptop and started to type. He paused and squinted at the screen. "It's frozen," he informed.

"Where's the IT guy?" snapped the director.

His assistant gave him a look. "Where he always is. Not here."

…

The villains peered at a picture of Heinz. "He is beautifully grotesque," remarked Red Skull.

"All hideous and deformed," added Whiplash.

"He must have some backstory," mused Venom.

"Vere can we find zis sideshow freak?" asked Red Skull.

MODOK said, "He's in the Tri-State Area. Danville to be precise!"

"Danville, eh? Gentlemen, it looks we're going on an evil road trip," declared Red Skull.

"Ooh, shotgun!" cried MODOK.

Red Skull glared at him. "You do not fit in ze shotgun position!"

A snort of laughter sounded from off set. Phineas quickly covered his mouth, muttered an apology and took off back to his own studio before anyone could react.

Dealing with his own director was one thing. Dealing with a director from a different set was another matter entirely.

…

_Take One_

"Platypus trap engaged," the computer informed.

Heinz turned around and pressed his fingers together. "Ah, Perry the Platyp—you're not Perry the Platypus! Who are you guys?" he asked in confusion.

"Zis is Vhiplash, zis is Venom, and I am Red Skull," the villain introduced, somewhat impatiently.

"Yes. Yes you are." Heinz traced his hand over Red Skull's face. "You—ooh, this feels weird. How much time do you spend in makeup?"

"That's not the line," sighed the director.

"I know, but seriously. How many hours do you guys have to spend in the makeup chair?"

"Probably the same amount of time you would have to spend in the plastic surgeon's chair to fix that ugly mug," Phineas hollered from off set.

"You little—come here!"

The group of guest actors watched with varying expressions as the elder man chased the child across the studio. "Is it…is it always like this?" asked Venom, pulling idly at his black costume.

"Yes. Yes it is," answered the director wearily.

_Take Three_

Oh, you want to see my –Inators!" realized Heinz. "Man, you've got quite an accent there! All right." He wandered up to his latest invention. "Here's what I'm workin' on now. Behold, the—" He paused and frowned. "Wait a second. What is this thing?"

"The Sloth-Inator," the director answered.

Red Skull stared. "Seriously?"

Heinz shook his head. "If you think this is weird, you must lead a normal career experience on your regular set."

"One I wish I could transfer to," grumbled the director.

…

_Take One_

The doorbell rang loudly, alerting the Flynn-Fletcher household to their visitor. Phineas and Ferb walked up to the front door.

"Ferb, are you expecting anyone?" the redhead asked.

Ferb opened the door, revealing the superheroes on the other side. In unison, he and Phineas burst into giggles.

"We didn't say anything," said Spider-Man in bewilderment.

"With this lot, you don't have to," said the director. "What's wrong?"

"I never thought we'd be sharing a set with the cast of the Marvel superhero shows," said Phineas with a grin. "It's too cool."

_Take Two_

"All right boys and girls, listen up!" called Candace as she walked down the stairs, heading for the kitchen. "Mom's on a walking tour of Danville and Dad's tinkering in the basement, so I'm in charge! That means no shenanigans! Hey, Arachnid-Man."

"Whoa, whoa!" cried Phineas. "Come on, what superhero would name themselves Arachnid-Man?"

"It's Spider-Man, goof," laughed Isabella.

Candace threw her arms up. "It's basically the same thing."

"Not to the comic book world," said the director. "Reset, people."

_Take Three_

"That means no shenanigans! Hey, Spider-Man. So I'll be over at Stacy's all...d-d-d-daaay?" Candace gaped at the superheroes in her kitchen.

Spider-Man burst into laughter. "Sorry, sorry. She's making a stupid face."

Ferb grinned. "No, that's how she looks all the time."

Candace smacked him in the shoulder. "Shut up before I sic Phineas on you."

…

"Hey, wait a minute, were you wearing that eyepatch when we started?" Nick Fury asked suspiciously.

"Oh, this? Uh, yeah. It's, uh, doctor's orders. I have a sty," answered Francis.

"He thinks it makes him look cool," Carl whispered from off screen.

"No, I don't," snapped Francis.

"I'm going to proceed as if this were going really well," said Fury. "Agent P, Iron Man, Hulk, Thor and Spider-Man have lost their superpowers to a mysterious power-siphoning ray, which we believe originated somewhere in the Danville area. We fear a group of supervillains are closing in. We need you to monitor the situation and report back. Francis, I'm gonna need you to—now what are you doing?"

Francis now wore two eye patches, so that he could not see a thing. Before he could deliver his line, Carl went on screen and pulled back the elastic before allowing it to snap back into place. Francis yelped in pain and attempted to lunge at the teen, but with his vision blocked he went in the wrong direction and crashed to the floor.

"Am I going to have to do that monologue again?" asked Fury over Carl's laughter, his annoyance evident.

"Yes," muttered the director. "Sorry. Carl, shut up and get back into position. Francis, you can kill him later."

…

_Take One_

"Welcome to my Hall of –Inators!" proclaimed Heinz, opening the door and letting everyone inside. "Ah, here's a good one. This is my Oatmeal-to-Porridge-Inator. I know. It's a fine distinction. Don't get me started. And here's my Multi-Hello—ugh. Sorry."

_Take Four_

"This is my Oatmeal-to-Porridge-Inator. I know. It's a fine distinction. Don't get me started. And here's my Multi-Helio-Tactic-something-or-other-Inator."

_Take Eleven_

"And here's my Multi-Helio-Tactical-Baboon-Glog-or-Glum-or-something-like-that-Inator."

"It's Multi-Helio-Tactical-Baboon-Glom-Inator," snapped Venom. "How hard is it to remember?"

Heinz rubbed the back of his neck. "Do you know how many words I have to memorize in any given episode? Wait, let me get a pen. I'll write it on my hand."

…

"And these are your SHED key card IDs. They'll get you into all areas of the compound," explained Phineas as Ferb handed them out.

"Ooh! And they're laminated!" exclaimed Spider-Man.

Candace entered, holding a comic book in her hands. "Um, hi. Heh. Would you guys read my fanfiction? It's a story where Thorn and Bulk—"

Everyone groaned. "Thor and Hulk," corrected Iron Man. "Seriously, even non-fans know the names."

"Well, excuse me," huffed Candace.

…

" _When we're off together wreaking havoc, the fun just never ends,"_ sang the soundtrack.

Heinz let out a whoop of glee as he slid down the long blue slide. The others were quick to follow after him, but Venom found it difficult to keep a straight face.

"This is completely ridiculous," he said once they reached the bottom. "Venom is hardly terrifying going down a slide when there's a cheery song playing in the background."

"That's why it's funny," said Heinz cheerfully. "Let's do it again!"

…

"This is a disaster, Candace!" groaned Phineas, going over to help Ferb fix the machine that their sister messed with.

"Look, it was an accident!" protested Candace. "But I can still help! I know that the villains will—"

"No! You _don't_ know! The entire Tri-State Area and possibly the world is at stake here! Honestly, Candace, if you don't know what you're doing, keep your hands off the machinery!" snapped Phineas.

"Well, then, maybe I should leave!" cried Candace with a giggle.

"Yeah! Maybe you should!" shot back Phineas with a grin.

Thor crossed his arms. "It doesn't work when you're both smiling like that."

…

_Take One_

"They still have their powers!" exclaimed Whiplash.

"Yes, but they are all mixed up." He grabbed Heinz by his lab coat and lifted him up. "Zis is your doing?"

"Uh, I don't remember making a Power-Switch-Inator, but, y'know, I make a lot of –Inators!" said Heinz nervously.

Red Skull paused for a moment and glanced up. He took a quick look around and asked in confusion, "Where's the stunt double?"

"We don't do stunt doubles here at the Phineas and Ferb studio," replied Phineas, lifting the mask of the Beak costume slightly.

"No stunt doubles?" said Hulk in disbelief.

"Give it all you got," said Heinz. "Seriously, I've taken worse hits."

_Take Five_

Perry, in his hero costume, swooped in for the rescue on his hoverboard. He sent MODOK flying, but when he tried to execute a sharp U-turn, he couldn't keep his grip and went flying off.

"You look ridiculous, by the way!" called Phineas.

Spider-Man snorted. "Says the guy in a mechanical bird costume."

…

Phineas watched the masked platypus fly off in awe. "You know, he seemed vaguely familiar."

"Think it was Howard the Duck?" offered Spider-Man.

"Time is of the essence. We gotta—no, it wasn't Howard the Duck," said Iron Man in slight irritation.

The redhead could not help but grin. "Sorry, but I just have to say that the reference is appreciated."

…

_Take One_

A flash of green signalled Baljeet that it was time for him to act like the Hulk. Growling menacingly, he raised his fists in the air and shouted, "Baljeet smash!"

He brought his fists down on the device, but it did not shatter like it was supposed to. Whimpering in paint, Baljeet cradled his fists to his chest. The director frowned. "Uh…is that thing made of real steel?"

"Was it not supposed to be?" a prop guy asked nervously.

"Baljeet can't even open his water bottles without asking someone for help. So no, the prop was not supposed to be made out of steel. It was supposed to be made out of material that is easily breakable."

"Right. We'll…uh, we'll get on that."

_Take Two_

"Really, Candace?" snapped Phineas. "Do you have any idea what you just did?"

"I was just trying to help!" defended Candace.

"Your help this morning messed us up so badly we came _this_ close to being wiped out at the mall. I thought you would have learned your lesson!"

"But…but I—"

"But no!" cut in Phineas. "You show up again to help and Baljeet has been Hulkified and is rampaging who-knows-where! And we're back to square one with restoring the heroes' powers. This is just too important, and we can't afford any more setbacks. I'm revoking your SHED card."

Removing the lanyard from her neck before Phineas could get to it, she held it above her head, far from his reach, and said, "Go ahead."

Phineas glared at her. "Okay, I am _not_ going through that whole spiel again."

…

"Action scene! Action scene! Action scene!"

The director stared at the chanting kids in exasperation. The actor playing Spider-Man crossed his arms. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" he asked uncertainly. "I mean, I've heard rumours about you guys, and if they're true this next scene isn't going to end well."

"The rumours are ninety-percent true and it probably won't end well," replied Phineas, pausing in his cheers. "But that's never stopped us before."

The director smiled slightly. "You got that right."

…

_Take One_

"You have nothing!"

As Iron Man made his descent, unable to help himself, Baljeet came flying in on a set of cables. He grabbed hold of the hero but could not take hold of the building in time. The boy yelped in pain as he smacked into the side.

"I got to say, you can really pull off that green suit," said Iron Man.

_Take Two_

"We have a Baljeet!"

"Hulkjeet!" he corrected.

"My bad. Apparently, he prefers to be known as Hulkjeet."

They landed on the ground just as Phineas and Ferb came flying in dressed as the Beak. Iron Man watched as they flew into a tree before turning around and saying, "And this thing. I think it's a bird. It's with us too!"

Perry flew in, knocking aside Red Skull and joining the ragtag team of heroes. "Flying duck with a beaver tail. We got him."

A steady fire of waffles came out of nowhere. But instead of hitting the villains like they were supposed to, they bombarded the heroes.

"Heinz!" Baljeet shrieked, guarding his face. "Stop it!"

The director shook his head. "Guess who gets to pick up all these waffles before we reset?"

_Take Five_

Spider-Man raced through the park, energy source in hand. He avoided Whiplash's attack and Baljeet jumped in, sending a punch to the man's stomach.

**_Crack!_ **

The director winced as Baljeet dropped to the ground with a wail of agony, cradling his fist. "Maybe we should have gone with our original idea and made Buford turn into the Hulk."

_Take Six_

Spider-Man ducked MODOK's blast and glanced over his shoulder in time to see a golf cart speeding towards him. He reached out to grab hold and pull himself aboard, but the cart was too fast and whizzed past him.

"You missed!" hollered Iron Man.

"Pull a U-y! I'll get it next time!"

_Take Seven_

Red Skull looked around wildly, hardly believing that they were being defeated. Buford sprang out of the bush beside him and smacked him with a fish. "Beware Bear Boy!" he exclaimed before disappearing just as quickly.

Red Skull blinked. "A fish?"

The director shrugged. "He got to choose what weapon he wanted."

"And he chose a fish?"

"Don't ask questions. We never do."

…

By the end of the battle scene, everyone was bruised, sore and limping. Well, not everyone. The Marvel actors were well-accustomed to such sequences and did their roles with little problems.

The Phineas and Ferb crew, on the other hand, had been thrashed and they flubbed up repeatedly. "You guys okay?" the director asked.

Phineas sprawled on the floor, holding his bruised side. "Boss, promise me one thing."

"Er…I'll try," he replied, a bit suspicious.

The redhead turned to look at him with a wide grin. "Promise that we'll get to do something epic like that again someday."

…

"Well, Iron Man, it looks like you're functioning at full capacity," observed Phineas.

"Yeah. Why don't you kids take five? Enjoy the show," suggested Iron Man.

"Oh, this is going to be sweet," said Ferb.

Phineas grinned. "Yeah it is!"

The group of heroes formed in a circle, with Perry joining them. A camera circled around them for a group shot.

Candace tilted her head to the side as she studied them. "So, wait, what superhero is Perry supposed to be again?"

Lips curling, Ferb answered, "Howard the Duck."

"Oh."

"Five bucks says she's going to believe that until someone tells her otherwise," muttered Phineas lowly.

Isabella shook her head in amusement. "You guys are so mean."

…

On the day the episode wrapped, the Marvel actors entered the break room with the director to be greeted by the kids and a heavily-frosted cake that read, _Thanks for the fun! If you're brave enough to come back, we'll see you again!_

"Ooh, vanilla," said Spider-Man.

"And we didn't put anything funny in it," promised Phineas.

"This is our farewell to you," said Isabella. "It's not often guest actors are able to last this long on our set. So we figured you deserved a send-off for your great patience and tolerance."

"Where's my cake, then?" the director demanded.

Buford smirked. "You'll get one when we hit ten seasons."

"If," corrected Baljeet.

"Yeah," agreed Ferb. "I don't think I like you people enough to endure ten seasons."

"They're not so bad," said Iron Man as the kids fell into their familiar bickering.

"They're still rather odd," added Thor. "And the extraordinarily intelligent platypus is very weird. But they're certainly not bad."

"Cake!" was all Hulk had to say, making a beeline for the food.

The director smiled slightly. "No, I suppose they're not completely horrible. But they are completely insane."

And he supposed he was a bit insane himself, to be able to deal with all the stunts his cast pulled on a daily basis for as long as he has.

"So, when is our next crossover special?" asked Phineas.

The director snorted. "Please. Let me recover from this one first."

"You know, it'd be really cool if we could crossover with Star Wars," said Isabella thoughtfully.

"Yeah." The director rolled his eyes. "Like _that's_ ever gonna happen."


	43. Father's Day Bloopers

"Okay, Ferb, let's get this early morning party started!" declared Phineas. He put some oranges into the squeezer and tried turning the handle. It wouldn't budge. With a grunt, he twisted harder, but to no avail. "It's not moving!"

As Ferb went to assist his friend, the director scanned through the rest of the opening scene. "Why do we write scenes like this?"

"Because when we manage to pull them off, they turn out really good," his assistant replied.

"Do we really need the chicken? That just spells disaster."

His assistant looked amused. "And putting them in a biplane is perfectly safe?"

The director snorted. "Please. We're putting them in front of a green screen.”

…

"Nnnnrrrrrowwwww!" Lawrence imitated the sound of a plane, fingers moving over the keyboard as he navigated the airplane simulator.

"Okay, prepare for landing," cautioned Reginald. "That's it, lad, don't—"

The screen suddenly went to black. Lawrence lifted his hands up. "I didn't do it, I swear."

…

_Take One_

"Gotcha, Perry the Platypus!" cackled Heinz. "If you think this is a sticky situation, you better hold on to that fedora."

"Wait, wait!" called Phineas. He went on set and crouched by the platypus, who was bound with sticky strands of pink gum. "Did you _chew_ this?"

Heinz's eyes shifted when Perry shot a horrified glance his way. "Yes. Yes, I did."

"Krkrkrkrkrkrk!"

_Take Two_

"Gotcha, Perry the Platypus! If you think this is a sticky situation, you better hold on to that fedora. Behold, the Gum-Under-The-Shoe-Inator! I took all the wadded-up chewing gum in the entire Tri-State Area and fed it into this –Inator." He noticed Perry's expression and sighed. "Yeah, I know, it's really unsanitary. Why don't people just throw the chewing gum in the trash? Huh?"

Something wet and sticky struck his back and exploded, coating him in the substance. Heinz stared at his arm, which was covered in white sticky liquid rather than pink.

"You jerks!" he cried. "This is glue!"

"How is that any worse than gum?" asked Phineas, playing with an empty glue bottle.

"Wait, you were going to use _real gum_?"

"He really needs to read the script better," Phineas whispered to Ferb.

The green-haired boy shook his head. "Actually, we could _all_ stand to read our scripts better. And our contracts, while we're at it."

_Take Five_

"I mean, he was really specific, too. He made me memorize the serial number of that particular lawn gnome," spoke Heinz, a slight frown on his face. "ABCDEFG."

Perry looked at him in amusement while the director sighed. "Very funny. If only you were as good an actor as you are a comedian."

"Well, there's no need to get hurtful."

…

"We actually have to go _in_ the cannon?" asked Heinz in dismay.

"We're only going to shoot you a short distance," the director explained patiently. "Right onto that safety mat."

Heinz set his hands on his hips. "I'm sure you've said that before. And as for the safety mats, I have a horrible track record when it comes to hitting them."

"Well, there's a first time for everything," said the director dryly.

Heinz sighed and looked down at Perry, who was in a baby pouch strapped to his chest. "This is probably going to hurt."

He clambered into the cannon and drew his knees up to his chest. After a few tense minutes, the director called, _"Action!"_ and the fuse was lit.

There was a large _boom_ and the duo went sailing a few yards before landing right on the safety mat. Heinz blinked in shock for a moment before grinning and high-fiving Perry. "Victory!"

…

"No peeking, Dad! Keep 'em closed! Okay, open 'em!" said Phineas.

Lawrence opened his eyes and gasped at the biplane resting in the yard. "Thank you so much, boys! I can't think of a better Father's Day gift!"

"Actually, there's a hidden feature you might wanna check out."

They waited a few seconds, but Reginald did not pop out from the passenger seat. Phineas scratched his head. "I could have sworn he was in there earlier."

"Then were did he go?" asked the director.

"Dunno."

"You're all useless."

Lawrence laughed as Phineas grinned. "Are you just figuring that out now?" the redhead asked.

…

_Take One_

"Okay, so the gnome tracker located my father's long-lost lawn gnome to this location." Heinz looked up at the sign, which read _Ye Olde Pawn Shoppe._ He pushed open the door and entered. "There it is!" He hurried over to the small bearded gnome and picked it up.

"Hey, put me down!" the gnome exclaimed.

Heinz yelped and dropped the tiny man. "Ah! I thought you were my father's lawn gnome."

"No worries," he dismissed. "I get that all the time. Probably due to my height combined with my eccentric fashion choices."

"Uh, yeah. Huh. Well, I'm looking for ABCDEFG."

"I'm going to kill you." The director scowled. "You were actually doing really well."

"It wasn't a joke this time!" protested Heinz. "I actually forgot it!"

_Take Three_

"Hello? Father? You're never going to guess what I brought y—" Heinz tripped on the floor mat and the gnome went flying. It landed on the wooden floor, but did not shatter. Heinz blinked. "Ooh. That's one sturdy lawn gnome!"

…

"Hi, honey!" Linda greeted. "Hi, boys! So how was your day?"

"Oh, the boys and I spent a wonderful day flying with Father!" answered Lawrence.

"Ah, the Internet is a wonderful thing."

"Well, yes, I suppose it is," said Lawrence, slightly confused.

"Here's something special from Candace and me."

Candace happily handed over the gift box. "Here you go!"

Lawrence opened up the box. Instead of miniature replica of the biplane, like he was expecting, it was a silver watch with intricate designs on the strap. Awed, he flipped it over and found his name engraved on the back. "What is this?"

"No idea," said Linda, just as bemused as he was.

Candace, Phineas and Ferb grinned at each other. "Well, since it's really close to Father's Day, and this is a Father's Day special, we thought we'd do something," explained Phineas.

"Yeah," agreed Candace. "You're our Studio Dad."

"You put up with all of our stunts," added Ferb. "So we wanted to get you something that's from all of us."

Lawrence was touched and he embraced them. "Aw, thank you, kids. I love it."

The director shook his head. "And of course, the long-suffering director gets nada. Zilch. Zero."

"It's a hard world," his assistant quipped. "Get over it. Your paycheck comes in tomorrow, anyway."


	44. The Magnificent Few Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

As Phineas and Ferb circled slowly around the tiny pen, each on top of a pony, Candace observed them from off set. Her brow furrowed as a distant, but distinctly funky beat reached her ears. "Does anyone hear that?"

"Hear what?" the director asked.

"Pop music. It's really soft, though."

Eyes narrowing, the director turned his attention to Phineas, who was now fidgeting with his music player. "Phineas, you're supposed to be playing the end part of that Western movie I downloaded."

Phineas groaned. "I know. But come on, seriously? A Western? Aren't you a few decades off?"

"There's nothing wrong with a good Western," defended the director. "Plenty of kids enjoy Westerns."

"He hasn't met a lot of kids, then," muttered Ferb.

_Take Two_

"I'll be back in a few hours!" called Linda, starting to drive off. "Have fun!"

Candace snorted. "Yeah, right. You better not pull any of your weird stunts, got it?"

"Don't fret none, school mom," Phineas drawled.

"Marm," corrected Ferb. "It's school marm."

"Oh." Phineas frowned. "What the heck is a school marm?"

"Search me."

…

"Not only does he have three books about insects overdue at the library, but he's cornered the market on aluminum siding," informed Francis. "He's holed up in his water fortress on Lake Winnie…Winniemahtoki…haha." He scratched his head. "Was that right?"

"Didn't sound right," the director said flatly. "It's Winimahatikihaha."

"That's what I said!"

"I assure you that is _not_ what you said. At all."

…

_Take One_

"Ah, Perry the Platypus!" cackled Heinz. "As usual, your timing is uncanny! And by uncanny, of course I mean, _completely canny!"_ He pressed the button on his remote, but ropes did not drop down from the ceiling like they were supposed to. "I think it's broken," he said, smacking the button. "Hold on—"

He gave it a solid smack and a coil of ropes plummeted from the ceiling, burying the platypus. Heinz blinked before grinning. "Ha! Fixed it!"

_Take Two_

"You're through, Perry the Platypus. Through! Now it is time for Platypus Flambé!" Heinz laughed wickedly. He exited the lair with Vanessa, and he asked her, "Vanessa, did you bring the little wooden head the termites made?"

Vanessa rolled her eyes and pressed the button to close the door. It closed on her foot and she let out a yelp of pain. She frantically stabbed at the button again, but the door would not open. _"Get it open! It's shattering the bones in my foot!"_

Heinz shook his head. "I think you're being a bit overdramatic."

…

"They're headed straight for town! We gotta do something!" gasped Isabella, pointing after the stampede of cows.

Phineas hummed thoughtfully. "All we need are a couple of horses and we could—" He pretended that he could see a flock of termites devour the wooden fence enclosing the ponies. "Huh. Let's go!" He switched his voice to a Western drawl. "Let's round us up some cows!"

Phineas and Ferb hurried over to the pair of ponies. While Ferb successfully got on his, Phineas swung over one side and tumbled off the saddle, landing on the ground. "Ouch."

Isabella giggled. "Nice one."

"Give me a break. I only got two weeks of lessons," defended Phineas, rubbing his bruised behind gingerly.

"So did Ferb," said the director. "He got on his horse just fine."

"He's also taller than me," said Phineas flatly. "By, like, quite a bit."

Isabella smirked. "Got that right, Short Stuff."

“Don't call me that."

…

"I've got a question for you."

Lolling his head back, Heinz looked at the boy standing behind the couch, his script in hand. "What, brat?"

"How do you get dozens of cows in a subway, running in an organized fashion through a mall, and put one in a skirt and bra?" asked Phineas.

Heinz arched an eyebrow. "Is this the beginning to one of those jokes?"

"Nope. It's the next scene we have to shoot."

The German man barked out a laugh. "You're going to be there for a while, kid. Have fun."

Phineas made a face before departing. As Heinz took a nap in the break room, the three kids were thrust into chaos as the director stubbornly tried to get the scene to work.

And they are all admittedly impressed when, after five hours, it _did_ work, without severe injury or damage.

…

Sitting atop her bicycle, Candace glared down the hill at the flood of cows her brothers were leading out of town. "Those two are so gonna get it."

She lost her balance and the bike went sailing down the hill. Screaming, Candace threw her arms in the air, tensing as she reached the spot where the door would open and she would smack into it. At the last second, she chickened out and jerked the handlebars. Instead of crashing into the door, she flew across the sidewalk and landed in a set of bushes.

Thorn bushes.

The director set his hands on his hips as Candace whimpered in pain, slowly sitting up. "If you had done what you were supposed to do, you wouldn't be in as much pain right now."

"Somehow, I don't believe that," she muttered under her breath.

…

"Any last noises, Perry the Platypus? You know that chirping silly noise that you make?" taunted Heinz. Perry growled, and he laughed. "That's the one!"

Perry started to swing himself towards the console, where the ropes would fall off once he managed to get upright. The fire would be added in post-production. But once he stood up on the console, the ropes wouldn't budge.

"Guess the knots were tied too tight," the director's assistant mused. "Oops."

"Someone get the scissors," the director sighed.

…

"Hey, Vanessa," Phineas called, hurrying up the teen. "Leaving already?"

The girl adjusted her bag and looked over her shoulder with a smile. "Yeah. I got some stuff to do."

"Too bad. We didn't get to hang too much. But guest actors don't really stick around for long, anyway."

"Hey, you got my number. We can always chill after work." Vanessa shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe I'll get to come back."

Phineas blinked. "You want to come back?"

"Sure."

"Even after the door closed on your foot?"

"It wasn't anything serious. Just some bruising. I actually had fun. I'd like to come back again sometime."

Phineas studied her for a moment before a slight smile crossed his lips. "Yeah. We'd like that too."

Vanessa waved and left the studio. Phineas spun on his heel and hurried all the way to the director's office. "Boss! Guess what!"

"What?" he asked, looking up from some paperwork.

"Vanessa says she wants to come back!"

The director stared. "She _said_ that?"

Phineas nodded. "Yeah! I think she might be one of us!"

"Or the few days she's spent here hasn't given her the full experience of what it means to be a Phineas and Ferb actor." He reached for his phone and dialed his assistant. "Hey, call up that Vanessa girl that was just here. Offer her a contract. She told Phineas she wants to come _back._ I know! Make it happen."

Phineas whooped and charged out of the office to relay the news to his fellow actors. _"Guys! We got another one!"_

While Vanessa did not have a clue of what she was in for, she would soon realize that yes, she was in fact, one of them.


	45. Bee Day Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

" _Because it's Bee Day!"_

The opening musical number ended, and before the child extra could deliver his line Phineas let out a snort. Ferb, who was standing next to him, shot the redhead a withering glare. "Seriously?"

"Give me a break." Phineas stared at the uptown set, which was heavily decorated with bee-themed items. "Come on, Bee Day? What's next, Beaver Day?"

"I think Canada has that one covered," quipped Ferb.

The director rolled his eyes. "Please don't give the writers any more ideas. They really don't need them."

"Right." Phineas cast Ferb a glance. "Does Canada really have a Beaver Day?"

"Well, there's such a thing as International Beaver Day," spoke Ferb. "It happens on April 7th."

Phineas squinted. "You're making that up."

"He's not," said Candace, using her phone to check on the British boy's fact. "It's real. The things we learn, huh?"

The director was not amused. "Please shut up and get back to work."

…

"So, did you all have fun at the Bee Day Festival's Opening Ceremony?" asked Linda, keeping her eyes on the road as she drove down the street.

"It was bewildering," said Lawrence cheerfully.

"Beautiful," added Phineas.

Before Lawrence could say his next line, the car sudden screeched to a stop. Linda frowned and squinted at the gas gauge. "We're empty," she informed.

The director groaned. "But one of the interns filled it up yesterday!"

Candace smirked. "Heinz may or may not have taken it to get some Chinese food when his own car wouldn't start."

…

Perry entered his lab, an unimpressed expression on his face when the bees attached to his headband started to bounce and glow. He went to take it off, and his mood worsened when he realized someone had glued the embarrassing accessory to his head.

"Ten points!" whooped Francis.

Carl observed the man's victory dance and Perry's ire with slight amusement. "Maybe we should get on that list of items to ban from set. Glue should be first."

…

_Take One_

"Ferb! How's the pool inflation coming?" Phineas asked, making his way down the wooden ladder.

"I'll let you know once I get this stupid thing working," muttered Ferb, smacking irritably at the air pump.

Phineas went over to inspect it. "Well, first off, there's a switch on the bottom that needs to be turned to 'on'."

"Shut up."

_Take Two_

"Hey, Phineas," greeted Isabella, walking into the backyard in her Fireside Girl uniform. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Look, it's the girl who gets her own episode."

Isabella set her hand on her hips. "Oh, look who's talking, Mr. Top of the Payroll."

Phineas was floored. "If I'm the top of the payroll, then I feel extremely sorry for whoever is at the bottom."

_Take Four_

Phineas tugged at the hem of his white shirt and stood on the small beach set. He could feel the long locks of the red wig brush against his back. He and Isabella stared at each other for a moment, not saying anything, though the cue had been given for them to say their lines.

The director frowned in confusion. "Uh…guys?"

"Shh," hissed Isabella, lips pressed together.

"If we talk, we will laugh and not be able to stop," said Phineas through clenched teeth, muscles in his cheeks twitching as the urge to burst into hysterics grew harder to contain.

It was then that Candace walked onto set, and as soon as she saw Phineas she collapsed into wild laughter. "Oh my gosh! You like those guys on the covers of romance novels!"

The director scowled as Phineas and Isabella lost all control. "Thank you, Candace. Thank you."

…

Waiting outside of Candace's dressing room, Stacy flipped through a magazine, waiting for her friend to finish getting her hair ready for her emo look. A sudden scream from inside caused Stacy to fling her magazine to the floor with a shriek of surprise.

"What?" she cried, getting up from her seat and flinging open the door. "What?"

She immediately had to press a hand over her mouth as she stared at Candace's hair. The girl sported not raven locks with a pink stripe, but bright green. "Ooh."

"I should have expected this," said Candace, half fuming and half nearly-sobbing. "I should have sent the dye bottle to the lab for testing first!"

Stacy bit her lip, fighting a smile. "I don't think our contracts cover costs like that."

"I'll kill all of them."

"Hmm…I don't think that's emo behavior."

"Shut _up_."

…

After Candace spent the next few hours getting her hair fixed, she and Stacy were ready for their scene.

" _Action!"_

"Okay, so the top three items on the Heather Magazine eleven step guide to be the true emo teen are dark hair, dark clothes, and pencil-thin jeans," said Stacy.

"Ugh."

"Let's see what you got."

Candace walked out of the closet, wearing all dark clothes. "Okay, I'm sorry, but these jeans are killing me." She pulled at the waistband, which was digging into her skin. "What's wrong with a nice pair of bootleg jeans?"

...

Heinz gleefully sucked the bees into his vacuum. "Ha ha! Sucks to be you!" he jeered. "So we're back in business! Now, lemme just shut off this baby—oops! I almost hit the self-destruct button here!"

Perry shot him a look.

"What?" defended Heinz. "I install one on _every_ thing. It's my thing. I put one on my coffee machine, on my TV, I have one everywhere. I even put one on my underwear. See? Look."

He slapped the button fastened to his underwear through the fabric of his pants. He suddenly gave a jolt and collapsed to the ground. "That was a shock switch," he wheezed.

…

"All right, gang's all here," declared Buford. "Let's get this pool party started!"

"Sorry, Buford, I promised Isabella and the Fireside Girls that we'd wait for them," said Phineas.

"Ooh, I promised Isabella!" mimicked Buford in a falsetto voice.

Baljeet grinned. "That must really hurt your voice."

The burly boy reared back and punched his friend in the shoulder. "And if I lose it after this, you're all going to lose your arms."

"Hostile work environment!" cried Phineas.

…

Going down the first water slide, the boys started to trudge through the mud pit. Ferb shouted in surprise and started shaking his leg violently. "Something's in here!"

"Abandon wading pool!" screamed Phineas as he and others tried to get to safety. "Abandon wading pool!"

The director turned to look at Heinz and Candace, who were watching the four freak out with unconcealed amusement. "What'd you do?"

"Let's just say there's a few surprises in there." Candace smirked. "Payback for switching my hair dye."

"And putting that shock zapper in place of the other prop switch in my underwear," added Heinz.

“So because you don't know who did it, you're taking your covering your bases by getting all of them."

"Um…pretty much," confirmed Candace.

…

"Now that the bees are out of the way, let's try this baby out. Just a little spritz."

Heinz pushed the button on his Aroma-Inator and was immediately hit in the face with a thick purple substance. _"Gack! What is this?"_

The director blinked. "You're gonna have to ask the prop guys that one."

"You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know."

…

Candace watched as Phineas and the others fell into the last wading pool—a small pink normal one. Sighing wearily, she wrote in her notebook. "Sibling unit, wading, wading. I sit here, not relating."

"Wow, spiffy," complimented Phineas.

Candace smirked. "You mean pithy."

"What?"

"Pithy," spoke Ferb. "Your line this pithy."

Phineas threw his hands in the air. "I have never heard that word in my life."

"Try reading a book once in a while," quipped Candace.

"Like you're one to talk. I bet you didn't spell all the words you just wrote down right."

Candace looked down at her notebook, read over the poem, and scowled.

"Shut up."


	46. Bubble Boys Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

Phineas lounged against their backyard tree, smiling as he watched Ferb's bubbles float into the sky. "I don't know about you, Ferb, but I think bubbles have a great sense of humor. Look at what that bubble is doing to my face." He laughed at his reflection in the bubble's surface.

Ferb attempted to blow a bigger bubble, but it popped halfway through. Phineas grinned in amusement. "So how long is this going to take?"

"Hold on, I got it." Ferb narrowed his eyes in concentration and tried again. This time a perfect, large bubble drifted from the plastic wand. _"Everyone in place! Let's get this before it pops!"_

_Take Two_

"Do you have any extra time for a bubble?" asked Phineas.

Baljeet glanced at his schedule. "Uh, I guess I have time for one."

"Oh, oh," said Buford excitedly. "Can I blow a huge one so I can crawl inside it and float around like a little woodland pixie?"

Baljeet attempted to keep a straight face but dissolved into laughter. "I cannot take you seriously!"

"I love how it's specifically a woodland pixie," said Ferb with a grin. "What's wrong with a water sprite?"

"Or a leprechaun," added Phineas.

Buford set his hands on his hips. "You moron, leprechauns don't fly."

"How do you know?" retorted Phineas. "Have you ever seen one?"

"No, but—"

"Guys!" the director cut in. "We are not having a repeat of your gnome argument. Get ready for another take."

…

Perry entered his lair, squinting against the darkness that engulfed the space.

"Quiet, Carl! He's coming," hissed Francis.

There was the sound of someone fumbling. "I can't find the rope to release the balloons!" hissed Carl. "I can't even find the light switch!"

" _Ouch!_ Get off my foot!" yelped Francis.

The director groaned. "Someone turn on the lights!" He paused for a moment before adding, "And check to make sure no one filled those balloons with water or another kind of substance Perry would not approve of being covered with."

…

"Great bubble design, Ferb," complimented Phineas. "Now all we need is the missing bubble ingredient."

"Hey guys," greeted Isabella, walking up to her friends with her Fireside Girls troop. "I'm here to get the errand that'll get me my first solo episode."

Ginger snorted. " _Our_ episode, thank you very much."

"I don't see your name in the episode's title," returned Isabella.

"Oooh!" hollered Phineas. "Shots fired!"

…

"Ta-da!" said Heinz proudly. "I call it the Yodel-Inator! Pretty cool, eh?"

Perry stared blankly at the large white hat.

"Oh, right. You just think it's a big cowboy hat. It's so much more!" Heinz pressed the blue button hidden amongst a golden thread design in the center. The top of the hat peeled back to reveal a small metal contraption. "See? Huh? See? It's designed to make my singing voice sweet and—"

He paused, a slight frown crossing his face. "It's not melodious, is it?"

"No," the director replied.

"Uh…give me a hint."

"Mellifluous."

"Oh, I wouldn't have gotten that in a million years," said Heinz, expression bewildered.

…

"This is a bad idea," muttered Linda, tugging nervously on her seatbelt.

"Don't make me nervous!" cried Candace, hands gripping the steering wheel.

"Are you girls ready?" the director asked.

"No!" they answered.

Ignoring them, he called, "All right, _action!_ "

Linda hid her nerves and said in a calm, encouraging voice, "You can do this, Candace! Just look into the turn and ease your foot off the brake."

"I-I-I'm looking into the turn," stuttered Candace, looking out her window. She gasped at the sight of Phineas and Ferb across the way. "Mom, look! Phineas and Ferb!"

A bus rolled up with an ad for a monster movie, blocking the pair. Linda glanced over and frowned at the monsters painted on the side of the bus. "Candace, I don't find that funny."

"No, behind the bus," said Candace, honking the horn impatiently. "They were building some kind of contraption! I'll show you!"

She jerked the wheel to the left and stepped on the gas, bringing the car through the intersection and onto the next road.

"Oh good. Now we're— _Candace, slow down!"_ Linda cried as the girl jerked the wheel wildly to avoid oncoming cars and to get into the proper lane.

Candace jerked too hard on the wheel, spinning off the road and onto the sidewalk. Linda hastily reached over and ripped the keys from the ignition. They were both breathing heavily, hardly registering as the director called, " _Cut!_ "

"Are you alive?" Phineas called, squinting across the road at the vehicle.

"No," returned Candace, hands shaking.

Linda took a few deep breaths to calm down. "I knew this was a bad idea."

…

"Hey, Phineas," said Isabella, handing over a vial. "We got the sap you guys needed. Here!"

Phineas smiled. "Thanks!" He poured the sap into a bubble machine. Ferb pushed a button and turned a valve. The machine started to blow a giant bubble, which started to encase Phineas. "At this stage, the maracanut sap isn't fully congealed," explained Phineas. "So we can pass through the semi-permanent mem…membrine?"

"Membrane," corrected Ferb. "And it's semi-permeable."

"Yeah, science isn't my strong point."

"Neither is English, apparently," countered Ferb.

"Come on guys, we don't have time to waste!" the director called. "The stuff used to create the bubble mixture is _not_ cheap!"

…

After getting her nerves relatively back in shape, Candace climbed into the driver's seat and Linda got in beside her. They both buckled their seatbelts and Candace took hold of the wheel.

"Try not to kill us," said Linda, eyes straight ahead.

"I make no promises."

…

As Heinz sung his song in his modified voice, Perry attempted to cut through the streamers with the birthday card Heinz had given him. After a few swipes, not even a rip was made. Perry gave a shrug.

The soundtrack stopped and Heinz looked over at the platypus. "Wow," he said, impressed. "Those are some streamers."

…

"The drawbridge jump is next," said Linda, adjusting her seatbelt as they waited for the director's call to start.

"We could probably file a report about this."

"We could."

"Why don't we?"

"I wish I knew."

Candace looked out the windshield. The drawbridge as at the end of the long stretch of road. "Are you ready for this?"

"Let's do this," confirmed Linda. "One take."

"We got this."

" _Action!"_

Candace slammed her foot on the gas, taking off down the road. "Candace, watch where you're going!" cried Linda.

"They're around here somewhere!" said Candace determinedly. She looked up and pretended she could see the bubble. "Ooh! Ooh!" She laughed manically. "There they are! Headed for the old drawbridge! You're mine!"

The rocket boosters attached to the back of the car, which was supposed to represent Heinz's jetpack that had gotten loose, activated. The car raced for the drawbridge at a high speed.

"Candace, stop!" shouted Linda.

"I can't!" shrieked Candace.

The drawbridge opened up and they flew off. Linda screamed in terror and covered her eyes. "There they are!" said Candace triumphantly. "I told you!" She looked at Linda and scowled in irritation. "Mom, open your eyes!"

"Not until we're back on the ground!" shrieked Linda.

"Mooooom!" Candace cried in agony.

They landed on the ground and the rockets turned off. Candace cut off the engine and the director called, _"Cut!"_

"One take!" whooped Candace, high-fiving Linda.

"One to put in the record books, hon," confirmed Linda with a grin.

The director could not help but feel a little bad. "You've still got one more scene in the car, girls."

Candace stared. "You can't give us anything, can you?"

"We should really report something to someone," muttered Linda.

"Yeah," agreed Candace. "So long as we don't die in our last scene, anyway."


	47. Tour de Ferb Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Two miniature bicycles raced across the track attached to the ceiling. Phineas concentrated on his racer, determined to beat Ferb. So when the green-haired boy's figure fell from the magnetic track, the redhead did not notice in time to dodge.

"Ouch!" he cried, dropping his controller and rubbing his head.

Baljeet poked his head through the open doorway. "This is getting off to a great start."

Buford snorted. "And we haven't even gotten _on_ the bikes yet."

…

_Take One_

"Here it is. The route of the first annual Tour de Ferb bike race," declared Phineas, pointing at the map pinned to the wooden fence. "Featuring jumps, obstacles, rickety staircases, and here is where you start the second stretch of the underwater—"

Buford crossed his arms. "I'm starting to think the writers hate us."

_Take Two_

"Just remember you have something that they didn't have," said Phineas cheerfully. "Greg LeMond!" He let out whistle.

"I'm back here!" Greg called. He attempted to climb over the fence with his bike, but after a moment of struggling fell backwards. "I'm okay! Let's try that again!"

"Think he knows what happens at the end of the episode?" whispered Phineas.

Ferb shook his head. "I think he got one of the famous edited scripts."

…

"Oh, Phineas? Ferb?" Candace sang, entering the yard with her new sports camcorder. She noticed the map on the fence. "Tour de Ferb? He-ee-ee-ee." She laughed evilly and snagged the map from its pins.

She was in the middle of pulling on her bike gear when Baljeet cried out indigently, "Hold on! Why does she get safety gear?"

"Baljeet," the director said with a weary sigh.

"No! I want kneepads! I am going off jumps and rickety stairs! Where is the justice?!"

Candace grinned. "Loooosssser!"

…

_Take One_

"Uh, oh! Big round wet thing comin' up!" called Buford as a large pond loomed ahead.

"Press your buttons, everybody!" instructed Phineas.

Buford pressed the button on his bike, grinning when his tires formed into float devices. "Awesome!"

Isabella raced across the water, but her tire ran over something particularly hard. There was a loud _pop_ and the front tire plunged into the water. Isabella shrieked as she flew over her handlebars and splashed into the pond.

"I lied, _that_ was awesome," cackled Buford.

_Take Three_

Candace giggled gleefully, following her brothers on her own bike. It trudged through the water but soon got stuck in the mud.

"How come I don't have inflatable tires?" she demanded.

"Loooosssser!" called Baljeet.

"All right. I deserved that."

…

"So, Perry the Platypus. Let me tell you my latest scheme," said Heinz. "The other day, I was browsing the Internet when I came to an online auction for a…" He trailed off and frowned. "What did I want to buy again?"

"A Super-Multi-Inator," the director said.

"Right, right. While we're at it, what's my grandmother's maiden name? I forgot it."

The director stared, unsure if Heinz was messing with him or not. "The same thing, but with different spelling, obviously."

Heinz blinked. "Oh…yeah. Well. That's embarrassing. _Stop smirking, Perry the Platypus!_ "

…

_Take One_

Baljeet hesitated at the top of the stone steps he was supposed to ride his bike down. "I do not like this."

"It'll be fine," soothed the director. "The wheels will help you go down without a problem."

Baljeet stared at his oddly shaped wheels. "I still do not like it."

"Just take a breath and relax. Ready… _action!_ "

Baljeet plastered a smile on his face as he pushed off. He went down the steps, teeth chattering with each bump. His wheel struck a crack in the stone, causing the bike to tip over and the boy to tumble down the rest of the way with high shrieks.

" _I absolutely do not like this!"_

The director sighed. "An episode with them all on bikes. Why do I agree to these things?"

_Take Four_

"Buford!" the director cried in exasperation. "You're supposed to go around the pylons!"

"I'm trying! It's hard!"

_Take Six_

"You're telling me that we have to jump a truck filled with manure?" asked Isabella in disbelief.

"Uh…yeah," said the director.

"Fantastic," grumbled Buford as he and the others started to wheel their bikes to the starting point for the scene. "All of us are going to eat it. Hopefully not literally."

Baljeet shook his head. "No, I think one of us will make it."

"We're not all hopeless. Two of us will make it the first time," decided Phineas.

"Get on your bikes," the director instructed.

The kids obeyed, climbing onto their seats and locking eyes on the grassy overhang ahead.

" _Action!"_

The kids took off, roaring down the street. The manure truck started up and began chugging along in the same direction. The vehicle was between the two grassy walls when the kids attempted the jump. Buford, Baljeet and Ferb immediately cried out in disgust when they landed in the soft substance.

Phineas and Isabella, who had made it safely to the other side, grinned and high-fived each other.

"I should have put money on that bet," laughed Phineas.

"We rock," cheered Isabella.

"Could be worse," muttered Ferb, gingerly flicking the manure out of his hair. "We could be Candace, who has to go over a waterfall."

Baljeet stared at him in disbelief. “You are crazy. I’d rather go over the waterfall.”

…

"What? Perry the Platypus! How did you get out?" cried Heinz.

He grabbed a wrench and charged at the platypus, who lingered near his –Inator. When the man was close, Perry jumped out of the way, causing Heinz to inadvertently destroy the machine.

"Ow!" yelped Heinz, struggling to remove the wrench from where it was stuck in his machine. "Not fair— _ouch!_ " He let go of the wrench and shook his hand frantically. "Hot! That's hot!"

…

"Greg LeMond? I thought you were supposed to be motivating me," cried Baljeet as the bicycler passed him, therefore gaining the position to be in first place.

"It worked so well, that I even motivated myself. Finish line, here I...aagghh!"

Greg LeMond shrieked in panic as a tiger leapt out of the bushes and tackled him off the track. _"It's a real tiger! You didn't say there was a real tiger!"_

Baljeet screeched to a halt and glanced at the distressed guest actor. "It is very well trained! It will not eat you, if that helps," he offered.

Phineas clicked his tongue. "There's another one we won't ever see again."

"I can see why," muttered Ferb.

"Which makes me wonder, what the heck is wrong with us? Why the heck are we still here?"

"We've lasted this long," replied Ferb. "I'm going to consider it a personal accomplishment if I make it to the series finale."

"I hear you, dude."


	48. Oil on Candace Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"I love you, my darling," the man on the television proclaimed.

The woman wept. "No, I love you more than you love me."

"I hate you," the man responded, and the two embraced.

Perry sat on the couch, attempting to appear crestfallen by what he was seeing on the soap opera. But a snort escaped him and he collapsed into laughter.

"That doesn't look like tears," the director said flatly.

"You have to admit," his assistant started, "that this is the most ridiculous soap opera you could have chosen."

"I happen to like it," the director sniffed.

His assistant smirked. "And for some reason that explains quite a bit."

…

"Wow! Your dad's exhibit is really amazing!" praised Phineas. "I can see where you get your artistic talent from, Django."

"Oh, I don't know, Phineas. I made this for my dad, but it hardly compares to his stuff," replied Django, reaching into his shorts pocket and pulling a small painting. He unfolded it and stared at the picture with an unimpressed expression.

Phineas grinned. "Well, I know we have artistic talent."

"Very funny," said Django with a roll of his eyes, crumpling the self-portrait and Phineas and Ferb. "Where's my painting?"

"Check the refrigerator," quipped Ferb. "That's where Isabella's artwork goes."

…

" _Well, I wanted a mentor to share my world view,"_ sang Heinz, removing the black cane from behind his back and starting to twirl it. It flew from his fingers and clattered to the floor. "Dang it!" he cried. "I swear, I spent three hours practicing this."

"It's paid off," said Phineas with a smirk.

Heinz pointed at him. "Off my set!"

The director snorted. "My set, thank you very much."

…

_Take One_

"So this is the famous Unpainted Desert," said Django in awe, staring at the empty hills stretched out before them.

"Not for long," said Phineas.

The soundtrack started, and Django jumped onto the trampoline and propelled himself onto the first tube of paint. Phineas followed and then Ferb made his jump, missing the trampoline by an inch. "Darn," grumbled Ferb, pushing himself up.

Phineas smirked. "Nice aim."

_Take Three_

Ferb jumped impatiently on the trigger of the giant spray can, but no paint was coming out. "It's stuck!"

" _Stop jumping!"_ a familiar voice cried from inside.

Ferb jolted in surprise, almost stumbling from his perch. "Heinz?" he cried.

"How the heck did you get in there?" exclaimed Phineas.

" _Don't ask questions! Just get me out of here!"_

_Take Five_

Phineas used the giant paint can to fill up a balloon. He stumbled over to Django, accidentally letting go and causing the balloon to drop at Django's feet. It exploded and sent orange paint covering the boy. "Phineas!" he shrieked, gingerly running fingers through his ruined hair.

"I didn't mean to!" protested Phineas. "Seriously!"

"Better him then me," joked Ferb.

…

_Take One_

"My professor is here!" cried Heinz, eagerly running over to the door. "Now Perry the Platypus, tremble before the mighty Dr. Garlic!"

The director groaned. "Gevaarlijk! It's Gevaarlijk, Heinz."

"What'd I say?"

"Garlic."

"Oh. Sorry. Can you tell I'm hungry?"

_Take Two_

"I do something impressive over there," lied Heinz, pointing at the blender on the counter. "My brand-new Blender-Inator!"

He popped off the lid and stuck in another apple to the three that were already inside. "Spelling doom for even the toughest of apples!" he declared, hitting the 'on' button. The blender swirled violently, sending the top flying off and chopped-up apple bits flying all over. "Who messed with the settings?"

_Take Four_

"Oh, Heinz, how can he be your nemesis?" asked Gevaarlijk doubtfully. "He doesn't even have a hat."

"No, no, I made that mistake a couple times too, but that's him, I swear!" insisted Heinz.

Gevaarlijk pulled out a piece of paper from her pocket. "In your letters, you said your nemesis was a suave, semi-aquatic…" She squinted at the letter. "I cannot read your writing."

Heinz grinned sheepishly. "Yeah…most people can't."

…

"I know the boys must be around here somewhere," muttered Candace, looking around the art museum. She spotted the viewing platform and said, "Wow, what a view." She wandered outside and glanced at the telescope. "Well, may as well see what this donut nonsense is all about."

She pressed her eye against the telescope and immediately felt something wet on her skin. She hastily pulled back. "What is it?"

"You have a black ring around your eye," said the director in slight amusement.

Candace scowled. "Real mature."

…

"Dad! Dad! Dad!" called Django, racing across the museum floor. He suddenly tripped and fell to the ground.

Phineas and Ferb came to a halt. "Smooth," cackled the redhead.

…

As Heinz was filming his final scene with Perry, Phineas, Ferb and Django went to inspect the giant refrigerator. "Is there really food in there?" asked Django suspiciously.

Ferb nodded. "Phineas and I were curious and checked it out. There's at least five large pizzas in there."

"Sweet!"

It took some teamwork, but after a few minutes the trio managed to open the large fridge door. Django stared at the massive empty shelves and frowned. "There's nothing—"

Phineas and Ferb grabbed Django and manhandled him into the giant prop. While the boy scrambled to his feet, the two slammed against the ajar door and sealed it shut. "Oh yeah!" cheered Phineas, high-fiving Ferb.

"You jerks!" cried Django, hammering on the inside of the fridge in irritation. "Let me out!"

"We will." Phineas smirked. "In a few hours!"

Laughing, the two raced out of the room. Django scowled and sat down; arms crossed moodily. "I’d be a fool to come back to this show.”


	49. The Baljeatles Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

A high-pitched wailing echoed across the landscape. Phineas and Ferb lounged against the tree, listening to the wretched sound with annoyed expressions. Before Phineas could deliver his line, the wailing was replaced by helpless laughing, and soon the two lost their composure as well.

"Sorry!" gasped Baljeet, his megaphone lowered. "I could not help it! I am annoying myself with that sound!"

…

"Well, that was an interesting sound you were getting out of your guitar. I think you'll be just fine!" Phineas said in an attempt to comfort Baljeet.

The Indian child's shoulders slumped. "That was not my guitar. That was me. I call it the Fail Wail."

He started to wail again, and Phineas and Ferb promptly burst into laughter. "His face," cackled Phineas, holding his stomach. "The face he makes when he does that sound!"

"This is going to take forever," groaned Baljeet.

…

"Oh, come on!" groaned Francis. "Sorry, Agent P. Carl's been taking some film classes and now believes I'm stifling his creativity as my cameraman."

"Camera artist," corrected Carl, moving into the picture and dabbing at Francis' face with a makeup sponge.

Francis spluttered, swatting at the teen. "You're getting that stuff in my mouth, Carl!"

…

Perry attempted to unzip his way out of a teddy bear, but wasn't having much luck. He gave an annoyed chatter.

"Zipper's stuck," sighed the director. "Someone get him out of there."

"On it!" called Heinz.

"Heinz! Be careful with those scissors!"

…

"Rock is not about getting good grades and following the rules; it's about rebellion!" explained Phineas. "It's about using music to express your true feelings and emotions! Just play how you feel."

Baljeet stared at his green electric guitar. "What chord am I supposed to play?"

"The A chord," answered Phineas.

"Which one is that?"

The director frowned. "Baljeet, did you go to your guitar lessons?"

"Yes!" defended Baljeet. "Well, most of them, anyway."

"We made him take a day off to go to the amusement park," piped up Phineas.

"Wonderful," grumbled the director.

…

"Do you think you could teach me how to play the bass?" asked Stacy.

"Let's see if you have big bass player hands," replied Coltrane.

Stacy and Coltrane pressed their palms together. "Bu-ga! Bu-ga!" called Candace from a nearby bush.

The two burst into laughter. "What the heck is that?" cried Stacy.

"The script says it's supposed to be a bird call," chuckled Coltrane. "I don't know what birds you've been hearing."

Candace scowled. "Very funny."

The director glanced at his assistant. "That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it?"

"Totally," his assistant confirmed.

…

"Dude, we are rocking these costumes!" said Phineas, admiring his spiky hair and black leather jacket.

Buford smirked. "I don't know. I kind of want the kilt."

Django, who was sitting in the makeup chair getting his hair styled, glared at the boys through the mirror. "Don't be dissing the kilt!"

"I would much rather have the kilt," muttered Baljeet, tugging at his pants. "Why are these so tight?"

…

"Okay, I'm almost ready Perry the Platypus!" declared Heinz. He pointed at the heart monitor strapped to his wrist. "This monitor takes my pulse and transmits it to the Bum-Bum-Inator, which will then broadcast my heartbeat to all the babies in the Tri-State Area. See?"

He waited for a moment, but the Bum-Bum-Inator did not pick up his heartbeat. Heinz frowned and pressed a hand against his chest.

"Nope, I'm still alive."

"No," said Phineas sarcastically, who was observing from off set. "I thought you had become a zombie."

The director hummed thoughtfully. "Write that down," he muttered to his assistant. "A zombie episode might be pretty cool…so long as we find a way to make it kid-friendly."

…

" _You wasted all my time learning how to rhyme,"_ sang Baljeet, gripping the microphone in his hands, _"then left me hanging from a…"_

He paused; brow furrowed.

"Treble clef!" someone called from the audience.

"Treble clef! Thank you! Roll the soundtrack back!"

The director gaped as the kids onstage redid the verse. "Some random extra knew the song, and he didn't?"

His assistant was amused. "I don't understand why that surprises you."

…

_Take One_

"Okay, now to relax and keep my heart rate slow and steady," sighed Heinz, moving back and forth in his rocking chair. "You know, because too much excitement would cause my heart to—"

He pushed too hard off the floor and the rocking chair tipped backwards. Heinz helped in surprise as he struck the floor. "Ouch!"

"Yeah," drawled the director. "That's being relaxed all right."

_Take Three_

Heinz ran around the room frantically as he tried to keep Perry away from him. He stared at his heart monitor and winced at the sharp spikes appearing on the screen. "Uh oh. Not good."

The Bum-Bum-Inator was supposed to pop, but instead it just stilled completely. Heinz stared at it before looking at his chest. "Maybe I should see a doctor or something."

"It's the machine, Heinz," said the director in exasperation. "Not you."

"Oh. Well, that's good. I was worried for a minute."

…

The song wrapped up and Baljeet played his final chords. He reared his guitar over his head and, instead of putting it in his guitar case, smashed it against the ground.

"Yeah," whooped Phineas.

"Go Jeet!" cheered Buford.

" _Baljeet!"_ the director cried.

"I could not help it!" said Baljeet apologetically. "I always wanted to do that."

"That is so coming out of your paycheck."

…

"That was easy," commented Stacy, watching as Candace and Jeremy hugged. She glanced down and realized she was holding hands with Coltrane, and smiled at him.

" _Cut!"_

"Well, this was fun," said Coltrane, taking his hand and running it through his hair. "You guys are crazy, though."

Stacy grinned. "Have we frightened you off?"

Coltrane thought for a second. "No, not yet. But I think I can only handle enough of this to be a guest actor a few more times."

"Fair enough." Stacy turned and flashed the director a thumbs-up. "We got another one willing to make cameos, Boss!"

"I'll take it," he decided.


	50. Night of the Living Pharmacists Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"Whatcha doin'?" asked Isabella cheerfully, entering the Flynn-Fletcher backyard.

Phineas smiled. "Oh hi, Isabella. We were just building a polynomial destabilizer for the binding catacomb of the—I'm not even close, am I?"

Isabella shook her head. "No, not really."

"Did you read your script?" asked Ferb in amusement.

"Yes. Sort of. I skimmed it."

…

"Ah, Agent P," greeted Francis. "I see you found the new central air-conditioning entrance."

Perry chattered angrily.

"What? Oh, the hot tub. Purely— _aagghh!_ "

Carl dumped a bucket of ice over the man, causing Francis to leap from the hot tub and splash water everywhere. "Gotcha!" laughed the redhead.

Francis scowled, shivering madly as water dripped down his body. "I hate you right now."

…

"You should see the models in these spreads," muttered Candace, using her shoulder to hold her cell phone to her ear as she flipped through the magazine. "So indifferent. So uninterested. So cool. I wonder if you and I will ever be this cool. What are you doing, Stacy?"

"I'm trying to hook up this super-high-def-intelligent-multi-format—" Stacy cut off and took a large gasp of air. "Okay, I cannot say that in one breath."

…

Perry walked cautiously into Heinz's lair, eyes alert. He was not prepared for the disco ball to snap up from the ground and ensnare him, leaving only his head free. Norm walked over and hooked him up to the ceiling, causing lights to flash across the walls.

"Woo-hoo! Time to boogie, baby!" whooped Heinz as he and Norm started dancing to the music. "Whoo! Whoo— _ouch!_ " He grabbed his left hip and groaned in pain. "I threw out my hip!"

Phineas, who was watching from off set, opened his mouth.

"No jokes about me being old!"

…

_Take One_

"Girls!" Isabella called, jumping up and tapping against the window of the Fireside Girls Annex.

Gretchen jumped off the couch and hurried to open the window. Isabella gripped the ledge and held herself up. "Hi, Gretch!"

"Where've you been?" Gretchen asked.

"I was over at Phineas' house and— _whoa!_ "

She lost her grip on the ledge but before she could fall Gretchen grabbed her hands and hoisted her up. Holly whooped. "Gretchen for the save!"

Gretchen grinned. "You owe me lunch."

Isabella snorted. “I’m only a few feet up. Not much of a save.”

_Take Three_

" _Why you waiting, Isabella?"_ sang Ginger, dancing around the Mexican-Jewish girl. _"Why hesitating? He could be your fella. It's been your pre…pre…"_

"Predilection," called the director.

Ginger flushed. "Right."

"Roll it back! Start from Ginger's solo."

The music backtracked before playing again. Ginger waited a beat before launching into her lyrics. _"Why you waiting, Isabella? Why hesitating? He could be your fella. It's been your predilection to move in the direction away from the romantic and into the…the…"_

The Fireside Girls burst into laughter as the soundtrack stopped once more. Ginger set her hands on her hips, an annoyed expression on her face. "Why do I get the hard lyrics?"

…

_Take One_

"So I thought we could watch this foreign art film I found," said Vanessa, holding out a DVD. " _Le Coeur Noir De Douleur et de la Tristesse Douce."_

Candace scowled. "Dang it."

Vanessa smirked. "You owe me ten bucks."

Candace handed over the money. "I bet that she couldn't get through that line in one try," she explained to the confused looks of the guest actors.

"Loser," sang Vanessa, pocketing the money.

"Shut up."

_Take Three_

"Stacy, this is amazing!" exclaimed Candace, hunkering in the bathroom with her cell pressed to her ear. "I'm at an actual party with cool—"

" _Boo!"_

Candace shrieked and stumbled backwards as the shower curtain flew back. Phineas laughed and immediately took off before the girl could recover. Heart pounding in her chest, she glared after the child.

"Not cool, Phineas!"

…

"What are the extras wearing green dots?" asked Phineas, watching as the special effects crew applied the small green circles to specific places on the extras.

"In post-production, those dots will make it easier for the editing crew to transform them into zombie-Heinz," explained the director. "You guys will wear them later on, when it comes time for the climax of the episode."

Phineas rubbed his hands together gleefully. "I'm so psyched to be able to do a zombie episode."

"Pharmacists, technically," corrected Ferb.

"You ever see Heinz some mornings? Doesn't get any more zombie-like than that."

…

_Take One_

"Lots of me…lots of me…" the extras groaned, wandering around the streets.

Phineas burst into laughter. Buford groaned and smacked him in the shoulder. "Dude!"

"We're supposed to be terrified!" pointed out Isabella.

"I'm sorry. I'm just imagining how this will all look when the episode airs and it's hilarious."

_Take Three_

"Well, that sure wiggles my biscuits," spoke Buford.

"Run!" shrieked Phineas, Buford and Baljeet.

The boys took off running. Baljeet tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and fell to the ground. The three males stopped running and stared back at the Indian child.

Buford set his hands on his hips. "You _would_ be the person to trip during a life-or-death chase."

…

"And so begins the _Grievance_ movie marathon," said Stacy, settling back against the couch with her bowl of popcorn. "Special edition boxset."

" _Rawr!"_ screamed Phineas, slamming his palms against the glass window directly behind Stacy.

The girl shouted and jumped up, sending popcorn flying everywhere. She looked out the window at the grinning Phineas and scowled.

"You're cleaning this up."

…

Perry strained to grab the remote that lay just outside of the cage he was trapped in. But it was out of his reach by an inch.

"Ha!" laughed Heinz. "Victory!"

…

"Man, I hope she's okay," sighed Phineas. "If she's been turned into a pharmacist, I'll never forgive myself."

"Do not worry, Phineas," soothed Baljeet. "With all of her training, she will be fine. Just last week, she earned her Judo…um, what were the other two?"

Phineas grinned. "How should I know? I barely read my own lines, let alone yours."

…

Phineas stared at the two rather impressive guest actors getting ready for their scene. "Shaun and Ed. You actually got the guys from _Shaun of the Dead_ in this episode?"

"Trust me, it took a lot of persuading," muttered the director.

"And a decent paycheck?" asked Phineas knowingly.

"A _very_ decent paycheck. Apparently, we have quite the reputation in Hollywood."

…

_Take One_

Buford, Baljeet, Phineas and Ferb hurried down the sidewalk, each of them dressed up with rubber items. Baljeet accidentally stumbled and crashed into Buford, sending the two of them tumbling to the ground.

Phineas looked back in exasperation. "If we ever find ourselves in a horror-movie scenario, I am not pairing up with you."

_Take Two_

"Oh, hey, it's a dog!" exclaimed Buford. "Here boy!"

The shadowy figure lumbered into the street light, revealing it to be a goat with physical characteristics of Heinz. Phineas let out a snort of laughter. "That's so creepy!"

Heinz scowled. "I'm not feeling the love from this episode."

_Take Three_

Buford and Baljeet rode out of a store in a mop bucket. Buford held the mop out horizontally, allowing Phineas and Ferb to grab onto each end. They flew down the decline in the road and Buford struggled to keep the mop balanced.

"Watch out for the crack!" hollered Baljeet, pointing at the crease in the asphalt.

"There's no steering wheel!" cried Buford.

The wheels hit the crack and the kids were sent flying. Phineas hit the cement with a grunt, rolling twice before stopping. Ferb landed next to him and the green-haired boy groaned.

"Good thing we're wearing all this rubber," said Phineas. "That could have been more painful."

Ferb stared at his friend wearily. "This was the scene you were most excited for. Is this worth it?"

"You kidding? We're racing away from animal-Heinz-zombies in a mop bucket. It's totally worth it!"

_Take Five_

Perry spotted the kids racing away from the infected OWCA agents and hurried to their aid on his jet-propelled glider. He used his glider to catch on the ends of the stretchy clothing lines and landed on the ground. When the animals were close, he tried letting the lines go, but they were caught in his glider.

"Dang," muttered Phineas. "If this was a real zombie apocalypse, we'd be so done for."

…

"Lots of me," Lacie moaned, stumbling out of the bathroom.

Candace and Vanessa shrieked. "Run!"

They unblocked the door and Vanessa charged forwards, accidentally shoving Candace out of the way. She stumbled back into Lacie and the girl grunted in surprise.

"Thanks a lot, Vanessa!" called Candace. "I am now a zombie pharmacist."

Vanessa tried to hide her grin. "Sorry. I got carried away."

…

_Take One_

"The odds of anyone surviving out there for this long—"

"If anyone can do it, Isabella can!" Phineas cut Baljeet off, his expression determined.

"It doesn't matter anyway!" wailed Buford. "Sooner or later, they're gonna figure out we're in here and then they're gonna come in here! They're gonna come in here and they're gonna come in here and they're gonna come in here and they're gonna come in here and they're gonna come in here—"

"Gretchen!" the director called. "You're supposed to slap him!"

Gretchen grinned. "I know. I just wanted to see how long he would go."

_Take Three_

"Okay, I'm running out of ideas," said Phineas, a frown on his face. "I don't know where she could be."

A thudding sound occurred behind them and the kids whirled around to see a floorboard vibrating. There were a few more thumps, and then Isabella said, "It's stuck!"

"Can we leave her down there?" asked Buford.

…

Candace and Vanessa found themselves trapped in a hallway with zombie pharmacists coming at them from both sides. "In here!" the redhead cried, opening the door to the stairwell.

The two hurried inside and Vanessa grabbed the emergency firehose from its case on the wall. She managed to activate it in the process, water gushing from the nozzle and soaking the two.

"Vanessa!" shrieked Candace, trying to guard her face. "It's cold!"

"How do I turn it off?" cried Vanessa, wrestling with the hose.

…

_Take One_

Isabella gasped in horror; hands pressed against the glass windows of the lobby of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. Outside, her Fireside Girls were surrounded by zombies. Gretchen tried to crawl out of the crowd, but it was too late.

"Lots of me…lots of— _he he he he._ "

Gretchen cracked up, and so did the rest of the Fireside Girls. The extras stepped back and looked at the director.

"They'll stop eventually," he sighed. "Best to let them get it out of their systems."

_Take Three_

"Hurry!" cried Phineas, pushing against the revolving door to keep the pharmacists out. He winced as the extra reached out and ripped a piece of fabric from his clothing. "I'm exposed!"

"Phineas, use this!" called Isabella, tossing her Emotional Bravery patch to him. Her aim was a little off and it struck Phineas in the face. "Oops."

"Thanks a lot," snorted Phineas.

_Take Five_

"Buford, what are you doing?" cried Phineas as the burly boy ripped off his clown mask.

"Look, I just lost my nerd! I'm not gonna lose the rest of my friends too!" he snapped as he took off the rubber duckies attached to his arms.

"But—" Phineas was unable to finish, as he burst into laughter as Buford stripped down to his underwear.

"Don't laugh!" snapped Buford.

…

_Take One_

"That's it!" exclaimed Phineas as the last bolt was hammered into place. "Let's go over the plan." He set a scale model of the building and the water tower on top of a box. "One; Ferb shoots the grappling hook, which attaches to the service platform of the water tower. Uh…um…I can't remember what the other steps are."

Ferb crossed his arms. "Like we really have time to discuss the plan when we're being overrun by zombies anyway."

_Take Two_

"Hurry up, guys!" called Vanessa, using a plunger to whack a pharmacist away from her.

Ferb lined up the grappling hook and pressed the trigger. The hook flew out of the cannon and fell short of its mark.

Vanessa set her hands on her hips. "You missed."

"Thank you, Einstein," said Ferb in annoyance.

_Take Four_

"Wow!" breathed Isabella, looking below her at the horde of pharmacists milling about. "Look at that! We may be the only ones left."

The bucket suddenly screeched to a halt, leaving them dangling in the middle of the line. Ferb smirked. "Well, we're dead."

_Take Five_

"Hang in there, Isabella!" Phineas encouraged. "We're almost there!"

"It's just…if this is the end, there's something I have to tell you!" cried Isabella, climbing up the ladder as fast as she could.

"Okay, shoot."

"You're a pain to work with."

Phineas paused and looked down at the smirking Isabella. "Very funny," he said with a roll of his eyes.

_Take Six_

"But Phineas…Phineas, I like you!" blurted Isabella.

"I like you too, Isabella," said Phineas, straightening with the clamp in his grasp.

"No, I mean I _like you_ like you!" cried Isabella.

The two looked at each for a moment before bursting into laughter. The director scowled. "This is why we can't do dramatic moments often. You people are horrible at them."

_Take Eight_

Isabella reached the top of the water tower and opened the hatch. As she was attaching the clamp to the hole, she lost her balance and pitched inside with a shriek. Phineas dropped his zombie act and raced up to peek down through the hole. The girl was floating in the water, spluttering madly.

"How's the temperature?"

Isabella glared. "Someone push him in here!"

Phineas glanced over his shoulder. _"Ferb! Get away!"_

…

A month after filming was completed, the director was in the editing room, watching as his crew pieced together the final product. One of the editors glanced at the man. "For a kid's show, you guys know how to make a freaky episode."

"Thanks," muttered the director.

"How did you get the inspiration for this?"

The director snorted. "Please. You're in here most days, and you only see the right takes. When you've been with those people for as long as I have, you're basically starring in your own horror movie. I pretty much just put my greatest nightmare in episode form."

" _I heard that!"_ screeched Heinz from down the hall. _"I'll show you scary!"_

The director shook his head.

He really needed a vacation.


	51. Journey to the Center of Candace Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Her cell phone ringing, Candace idly shoved another spoonful of cereal into her mouth as she reached for it. "Hello?" she answered.

"Hi, Candace. It's Jeremy. I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk today."

Eyes wide, Candace spewed out her cereal. Halfway through her spit take she started to laugh, which resulted in her choking. Phineas went over and slapped her on the back, a grin on his face. "Smooth move."

Ferb smirked. "You're stepping in her backwashed milk."

Phineas hastily jumped to the side as Candace only laughed louder. He stared in disgust at his sneakers, which were dripping with milk. "Gross!"

…

"Wow. That looks totally irreplaceable," remarked Phineas, staring at Isabella's Fireside Girl sash of badges.

Pinky jumped up and promptly swallowed the piece of fabric in one go. Isabella frowned in despair. "Oh no! Pinky, I _need_ that sash for a Fireside Girls ceremony this afternoon!"

"And thus solves our dilemma of choosing which invention to build in a rather coincidental manner," quipped Phineas.

…

"Gross, but cool!" exclaimed Isabella after Phineas and Ferb finished their presentation on what the plan would be to get her sash out of Pinky's stomach. "But Pinky will eat anything _but_ dog food. He likes grilled cheese sandwiches."

At the sound of his favourite food, Pinky panted excitedly.

"Not a problem. You make the sandwich. We'll make the sub," replied Phineas. Ferb imitated Pinky's pants, but Phineas quickly burst into giggles. "Sorry, sorry!" he said with a grin. "But that's kinda creepy."

"Shut up," grumbled Ferb.

…

_Take One_

Heinz stood next to a boarded-up window, polishing his –Inator. Perry, who was supposed to come through the window beside him, accidentally crashed through the one he was standing in front of. The two hit the floor with twin grunts, the –Inator falling onto its side with a heavy _thud._

Staring up at the ceiling and trying to ignore his aching side, Heinz muttered, "Thanks a lot, Perry the Platypus."

_Take Two_

"Perry the Platypus? I...you know, we always do the same thing," mused Heinz. "I have a scheme, you try to stop me, I trap you, I tell you my scheme…uh…" His face went blank. "Completely lost my train of thought there."

"Not like that's very hard to do," the director muttered under his breath.

_Take Three_

Should I go with Make-Up-Your-Mind-Inator? Or is that too on the nose? It's funny. Now I can't make up _my_ mind. Oof!"

Heinz yelped as Perry attacked him swiftly. He ended up dazed on the floor and Perry cuffed him. "Perry the Platypus! What are...? Well, I-I did not see that coming."

Perry dragged the man over to a pipe and hooked the other wristlet around the metal rod. Heinz stood up and as he did so he pulled on the handcuffs, which were not done up tightly. They came loose and Heinz stared at his freed hand for a moment before shouting, "Yeah, victory!"

…

_Take One_

Candace took a bite of the grilled cheese sandwich. "Oh yeah— _ugh!"_ She stuck out her tongue and hastily started scrubbing at it with her fingers. _"Who put hot sauce in this?"_

_Take Two_

Candace eagerly ran over to the front door after the doorbell rang. She threw it open and Jeremy greeted, "Hey Jeremy."

"Candace," she corrected with a snicker. "Don't know what you ate this morning, but it definitely did something to your brain."

"Shut up."

_Take Three_

"Oh, here we are. Let's tap into Candace's nerve center so we can see what she sees. Ears. Eyes. Look, we're getting an image," said Phineas, pointing at the screen attached to their dashboard of the micro-submarine. Instead of a picture of Jeremy, a picture of Heinz in a Speedo popped up instead.

As Phineas covered his eyes and yelped in disgust, Ferb turned to look at the amused crew situated outside of their submarine and away from the green screen.

"You are all messed up on so many levels."

_Take Five_

"Hey, monkey bars. Do you still get sick when you hang upside down?" asked Phineas, studying the image of the yellow playground equipment thoughtfully.

"Yeah. Why?" returned Candace suspiciously, holding her phone close to her ear.

"Sorry, Candace. We have to help Isabella. So, arms and legs!" Phineas declared, pushing some buttons on the control panel.

Candace stuck her phone into her pocket and Jeremy asked, "Candace, are you okay?"

"Heh heh. Heh. Never better. Never better!" she said nervously as she started walking robotically towards the monkey bars. She put her hands on the top bar and tried hoisting herself up. Her grip slipped and she fell back to the ground with a rough _thump_.

Jeremy laughed. "I can see why you didn't become a gymnast."

…

Strapped to a tall, three-dimensional rectangular green screen with their Any-Flat-Surface-Magnet belt, Heinz started rolling across the makeshift building, pretending he was bursting out a window and into the fresh air outside.

"Farewell, Perry the Platypus!" he jeered.

Perry was quick to take up pursuit and the pair began spinning rapidly up the structure. Heinz's face started to turn a shade of green similar to the fabric he was strapped to.

"I'm gonna hurl!"

…

Candace raced up the sidewalk to where Linda was just locking her car door. She didn't put on her brakes in time and stumbled into the woman. "Oof!" She hastily straightened and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Its fine," said Linda in amusement. "But next time, try it without the tackle, hon."

…

"Hey, I've been looking everywhere for you guys!" said Isabella cheerfully, cradling the Chihuahua in her arms. "Pinky threw up and I got my sash back!" Before Phineas could take the chance to speak his line, Isabella smiled mischievously and said, "Kind of like this!"

From the roof of the restaurant, Jenny and Stacy took their cue and leaned over the edge, upending the buckets that were in their possession. Phineas and Ferb were drenched in an unidentifiable, foul-smelling substance and Isabella burst into laughter.

"Thanks, girls!" she called up to the two giggling teens.

"What," started Phineas slowly, "is this?"

"It better not be what we think it is," said Ferb dangerously, arms held out to his sides as revulsion coursed through him.

"It may be, it may not," sang Isabella.

Candace watched in bemusement as she took off, the two males quickly chasing after her. "How much did she pay you to do this?" she asked her friends.

"Fifty bucks each," said Stacy cheerfully.

"Was that really vomit?" asked Jeremy, though he didn't think he really wanted to know.

"Of course not," replied Jenny. "But it's also not exactly something pleasant."

"So…what is it?" pressed Jeremy, and Jenny only smiled.

"I'll leave that to your imagination."


	52. Hide and Seek Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

Buford watched as Linda left the living room and asked in annoyance, "What kind of fun can we have when it's raining?"

"We could talk about our feelings," suggested Isabella.

Buford gave her an unimpressed look. "Okay, I'll rephrase it. What kind of fun can we have when it's raining?"

The raven-haired girl grabbed the sofa cushion and flung it at Buford. It struck him directly in the face and he fell back to the floor with a surprised grunt. "Do you have any feelings to share now?" she asked innocently.

"Yeah," growled Buford. "You're supremely irritating."

_Take Two_

"How about a game of hide and seek?"

Turning his head, Phineas pointed at their newest guest actor and cried, "Fresh meat!"

"Phineas!" barked the director when Irving glanced at the redhead in bemusement. "Shut up! Before he decides to turn tail and run," he muttered under his breath.

…

_Take One_

The soundtrack played in the background as the kids moved about the set, which was now constructed to be almost ten times their normal size so that they looked small.

" _When you're small, every sink is a swimming pool!"_

Phineas and Ferb swam through the water, and their enjoyment was broken when Buford crept to the edge of the sink and dumped in a bagful of ice. The two boys yelped at the sudden change in temperature and hastily climbed out of the water.

"Not cool, man!" snapped Phineas.

_Take Two_

Phineas reared his arm back and tossed a softball made to look like a pea towards Ferb, who brandished a large sewing needle like a bat. He attempted to hit the ball, but he missed.

The redhead smirked. "Nice job, Peabrain."

"Don't even start," warned Ferb.

…

"Oh, Perry the Platypus, you caught me!" exclaimed Heinz. "I've been putting recyclable trash in the regular trash bin. I am so bad! You've taught me a valuable lesson. From now on, I'll be green. I'll be all the shades of green." He went over to Perry and patted his back, gently urging the platypus out of the door. “They will call me…they will call me…they will call me something, I haven't decided on what yet."

The director groaned. "Come on Heinz, it all fits under the same theme—green!"

"Well, broccoli is green," defended Heinz. "But that doesn't mean that's my line." His brow furrowed. "Wait, it's not broccoli, is it?"

"No. They will call you El Verde, Heinz."

"It very well could have been El Broccoli."

"Stop trying to excuse your mess up and just go reset already."

…

_Take One_

"What is that thing?" cried Phineas as they raced away from a malfunctioning mini-robot. "Did we ever make mechanical bugs?"

Irving flipped through the pages of his Phineas and Ferb scrapbook. "There's nothing in the—"

His foot snagged on a loose piece of carpet and he hit the ground. The others burst into laughter and Isabella said with a giggle, "Yeah, we tend to do that a lot during chase scenes."

"It's one of the true experiences of being a Phineas and Ferb actor," said Phineas with a grin.

"Can't wait to see what the other ones are," quipped Irving.

_Take Two_

Once the mechanical bug was taken down, Buford let out a war cry and climbed on top of it. He grabbed hold of the eye stem and started pulling, but it would not rip from its socket. Finally giving up after a few tries, he panted, "Nope, it's on there good."

_Take Four_

Baljeet wrestled his way out of the fake fly, green goop dripping down his body. He started to say his line, but his gut lurched and he buckled over, pressing a hand firmly over his mouth to keep from throwing up.

"Yeah," said Ferb in sympathy. "That looks pretty nasty, even if it isn't real fly guts."

…

Candace lay on the floor of the green screen set, pretending to cower away from Pinky, who would be inserted digitally. A round green platform hooked to the ceiling travelled over to her and Isabella smirked. "Look! We found Candace!"

"It's not often we get episodes without her," lamented Buford. "It was nice while it lasted."

Candace narrowed her eyes. "Shut up, jerks."

…

Standing on the kitchen island of the Garcia-Shapiro household, the group of kids pretended that they had just grown big again. "All right Phineas!" whooped Isabella.

"Cool!" cheered Irving. His foot edged off the island and threw off his balance, causing him to hit the tiled floor. He let out a groan of pain and rubbed his throbbing head. "Ouch."

"Dunno if Boss Man told you this, but we got no medical insurance here," spoke Phineas. "At least, it seems like nothing."

"Yeah, I know," said Irving, climbing to his feet. "I was briefed on everything before I signed the paperwork for this episode."

"Whoa," interrupted Buford. "You knew about all the craziness and lack of benefits—which is not entirely our fault—and decided to guest star anyway?"

"I wanted to see if the rumors were true," said Irving with a sheepish smile. "And it seems like they are. There's as much hostility on this set as there is love."

"To us, they mean the same thing," quipped Baljeet.

"So…does that mean you're coming back?" asked Isabella slowly.

"If I'm lucky enough to be offered a contract, I don't see why not. I had fun."

The words were sincere, and everyone who worked at Phineas and Ferb knew that if any actor expressed interest in returning for more episodes, they better be signed on before they regained their sanity. Phineas grinned and stuck out his hand. "It takes a specific kind of person to work here at Phineas and Ferb."

Irving accepted the outstretched hand and gave it a firm shake. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" he asked in bemusement.

Phineas shared a look with his friends before smirking mischievously. "Guess you'll have to find out for yourself. Welcome to the crew, Irving."


	53. The Flying Fishmonger Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"You know hon, I was thinking we could all head to the mall," suggested Linda.

"What a splendid idea! I'd love to treat Candace to some new clothes," voiced Winifred.

The bored expression immediately fled from Candace's face and she shrieked, "I'll be in the—"

She started to dash off but her foot hit the leg of Ferb's chair and she toppled to the floor with a yelp of surprise. "Ferb!"

"It wasn't my fault!" protested Ferb. "Blame your horribly uncoordinated legs."

_Take Two_

Phineas' eyes widened in awe as Reginald pulled a thick scrapbook out from behind his ear. "How'd you do that?"

"It's just a little bit of ‘how's your father'. I may seem like a barnacle ol' gent now, but when I was short in the chin, I had some grand larking and…and engaged in some daring dung." Reginald glanced up at the director, ignoring the snickering boys and asked, "How much of that was right?"

"Hardly any of it."

"Bugger."

…

"Judging from this photo of McGregor's Gorge, we're right on track!" said Phineas cheerfully, watching the activity bustle in front of him as the construction crew began to form the gorge. "Who's the tiger?"

A few beats passed by, but Isabella did not appear at the gate. The director let out a sigh of exasperation. "Someone go get Isabella."

Phineas wrinkled his nose. "Do we have to?"

…

"Oh hey, Agent P," greeted Carl from the monitor in Perry's lair. "Monogram's thrown his back out— _oof!_ "

The ginger let out a cry of surprise as he stepped on Francis' leg and tripped, which in turn caused the older man to grunt in pain. _"Carl!"_

"Sorry!"

…

"Oh, my dear! You look like a queen!" exclaimed Winifred.

Candace scowled slightly as she glanced down at her pale blue dress clothes. "Uh, can we get out of here, like now? Before anyone I know happens—"

"Candace?" The redhead whipped around to see Jeremy looking at her from the entrance of the store. Jeremy opened his mouth to deliver his next line, but dissolved into giggles at the outfit the girl was wearing. "I'm sorry, but how can I take you seriously when you have a feather in your hat?"

"You had two lines, Jeremy!" cried Candace, takin off her hat and flinging it at her friend. "Thanks for messing them up!"

"Oh, like you can talk!"

…

_Take One_

Perry slipped out of the window of a building and dropped into a dumpster. Before he could jump back out, Heinz slipped into view from around the corner and slammed the lid shut, trapping him inside. "Whoo!" he cheered. "I win!"

_Take Three_

"Oh, just come in!" snapped Heinz.

Perry walked inside Heinz's building and stepped onto a piece of flypaper, causing his webbed feet to get stuck. He attempted to pull them free and tore the paper in the process. Heinz stared at it for a moment before remarking, "Well. That's some cheap stuff."

Perry launched into a flying kick and hit Heinz in the stomach, sending him skittering across the floor. The man sat up gingerly and muttered, "That's either some great improvisation or that was for locking you in the dumpster."

…

"Come see the Flying Fishmonger jump McGregor's Gorge!" called Baljeet, waving some flyers in the air. "Tell your friends!"

Buford sauntered up to his friend and said casually, "The one scene we have in this episode and they get us into fish suits."

"Yup."

"Do we get paid enough for this?"

"Nope."

The director rolled his eyes. "Very funny. I'd pay you more, but it's not like I'd be getting equal amount of effort and work for it."

…

_Take One_

Phineas adjusted the helmet on his head, staring down the steep slope of the ramp. "This is a bad idea."

"Obviously," drawled Ferb. "But at least we get helmets this time."

"I don't know what you lads are complaining about," huffed Reginald. "You're young. You'll bounce back. I'm the one with the artificial hip."

"Well, we're about to join you," replied Phineas, slinking into his seat as he watched the crew start to file off the set. "We'll be hipless together."

" _Action!"_

Reginald revved up the engine and they started their descent down the ramp. Phineas tightened his grip on the edge of the sidecar as they sailed through the air before plummeting on cue.

"Maybe we should have let it rain," remarked Reginald.

"Don't worry Grandpa," assured Phineas. "We've got a backup plan! Ferb?"

Ferb reached for the lever and pulled, but nothing happened. "Prepare yourselves for a fast and violent landing," he replied.

"Is there any other kind of landing?" asked Phineas, bracing for impact.

**_BOOM!_ **

The director flinched at the cloud of dust that rose up. "Uh…is everyone alive?" he called hesitantly.

"Ugh."

"Grrk."

"Blech."

"They're alive," decided the director. "Mostly, anyway."

_Take Two_

The Flying Fishmonger rolled down a rocky cliff and towards the water. Ferb picked up the broken wing and threw it into the water, so that the wheel would have something to land on. His aim was off and the bike went straight into the water, slowly submerging.

Phineas ripped off his helmet and threw it at Ferb. "That's it. You're not allowed to touch anything else."

…

"Ah, finally!" exclaimed Candace when the car finally rolled into the driveway. She burst out of the vehicle and hurried into the backyard. "Ha!" she jeered. "You guys are so busted!"

A gorge had been dug, but the depth would be edited in later, though it went decently far into the ground. Candace approached the edge of the gorge and glanced down. Unable to resist, Phineas suddenly screamed, _"Look out!"_

Jolting violently, she pitched backwards and fell on her bottom. Heart shuddering in her chest, she slowly turned to look at Phineas, who had some grace to look guilty.

"Well…at least you didn't fall forwards."


	54. Out of Toon Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Lounging in his trailer, Phineas kicked his feet up onto the small glass coffee table as he read idly through his script. He sat straighter against his couch cushions when he reached the point where the Idea of the Day was detailed. "Hey, we're getting turned into cartoons?" he asked eagerly.

Ferb, who was snacking on pretzels as he watched the television, turned to look at his friend. "I suppose so," he replied. "That's what it sounds like."

"Oh, sweet." Phineas grinned widely. "I always wanted to be in a cartoon. This is going to be fun."

"Or go horribly wrong," countered Ferb. "But I guess those two are synonymous when it comes to this crew."

…

_Take One_

"Hey, Dad! What are you watching?"

As Phineas delivered the line, he tried to jump up onto the green sofa and land in a sitting position. He gained too much bounce and ended up on the floor. Ferb stared down at the boy in amusement. "It's a couch, not a trampoline."

"Shut up." Phineas rubbed his forehead, which had thudded against the floor, and glared at Perry. "Stop smiling!"

_Take Two_

" _Pinhead Pierre has the smallest head of which I'm aware. It's about the size and shape of a pear—"_

Phineas, Ferb and Lawrence watched the cartoon play out on the television before them. The theme song was ludicrous and the brief display of content did not get any better. Ferb pressed his lips together, trying in vain not to laugh, but a snort broke through. That was all it took to send Phineas into laughter.

"I don't think this subject matter was a very good idea," spoke Lawrence with a grin. "Come now, Pinhead Pierre?"

"I don't know how the writers come up with this stuff," cackled Phineas.

"I can only imagine what the rejected ideas look like," remarked Ferb.

"Okay, we _have_ to see those! Like now." Phineas glanced at the director. "Can we take a break?"

" _No!"_

…

_Take One_

Perry dropped down into the secret lair set. Instead of landing on his chair, he smacked into the cold floor.

Perry chattered in irritation as Francis and Carl burst into laughter on the large monitor. The director scowled. "Who's the wise guy that moved the chair?"

"It wasn't me!" protested Carl. "I swear!"

"I didn't do it," added Francis, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "But I wish I did."

"Sorry," one of the set guys piped up nervously. "I thought I was forgetting something."

_Take Three_

"The last century, the forces of good and evil have been locked in a desperate race to harness and control the limitless power of dance."

When Francis uttered the last word, Carl was supposed to pop into view on the monitor and say it with him simultaneously. But the redheaded intern stayed in place, staring off blankly. Setting his hands on his hips, Francis called, "Earth to Carl!"

Startled, Carl snapped back to reality. "Oh, shoot, did I miss the cue?"

"By a long shot. So long, in fact, it was probably the length of three football fields."

…

_Take One_

"All you do is tell the machine what you want," explained Phineas, gesturing to the PF-5000 Animatron. "I'd like my cartoon character to have the power to be everywhere at once. I'll be called Multi Man!"

The machine scanned him with a green ray, downloading his physical appearance into its database. Phineas grabbed his green-haired friend and added, "And Ferb would have a utility belt and use lots of crazy gadgets. He'll be called, um, Ferb Guy."

"Hold it," called Ferb, waving his arms in the air. "How come he gets the cool powers?"

"You're my sidekick," countered Phineas with a snicker. "That's why. Besides, the show is called _Phineas and Ferb._ "

Candace was bemused. "How'd that happen, anyway?"

Ferb was disgruntled. "I lost the coin toss."

_Take Four_

"Hi, Phineas," said Isabella cheerfully as she, Buford and Baljeet walked up to their friends.

"Whatcha do—?" Buford was cut off as the girl dug an elbow into his side. "Ouch! That actually hurt!"

"Oops." Isabella smiled sheepishly. "Guess I don't know my own strength."

Phineas shook his head. "She's totally not sorry."

"Definitely," agreed Baljeet.

_Take Five_

"What about you, Buford?" asked Phineas.

Buford rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "It's an interesting question you pose, as it reveals not only one's…uh…desires and something else…"

Isabella smirked. "Is impulse too big of a word for you?"

"Shut up, Princess."

_Take Six_

Candace started into the studio and towards the redheaded male. "Phineas, I—"

"Hi, Candace!" interjected Phineas. "You're just in time to help us record the voices."

"There is no way on Earth I'd ever help you," she snapped before storming off.

"Cut and print," declared Phineas. "That's why we call her One-Take Flynn."

There was a beat of silence before they all descended into laughter. Buford held his stomach as he exclaimed, "She's never gotten a one-take of anything in her life!"

"Oh, like you guys can talk!" retorted Candace.

…

"Something tells me that you might have seen this month's Evil Beat! magazine, eh? Wait, wait, wait. Look. It's like there's two of me. You see? Hmm?"

Heinz attempted to copy the pose that was depicted on the enlarged cover cut-out. He lost his balance and toppled into the cardboard, sending both crashing to the ground. "Ouch! Ow, I think I got a splinter."

"You can't get a splinter from cardboard!" cried the director.

"I've got a papercut, then! Someone get me a bandage!"

…

Gathered in the post-production room, the group of kids watched as their Team Improbable cartoon played out in front of them. "This is so cool," cheered Phineas.

"I make a pretty great villain," said Candace, impressed.

"My superhero name is stupid, but I look awesome," observed Ferb. "That's all that counts."

"Belch Man. Genius," declared Buford.

Isabella clapped her hands in delight. "Look at all the sparkles and colour! I look so cute!"

"I did not realize being a cartoon blue monkey could be so cool," said Baljeet in awe.

"Hey, think we can do a spinoff? We can have our own animated show!" said Phineas eagerly.

"Heck no," scoffed the director. "Doing one show with you people is enough." He then grew thoughtful. "But it would probably be cheaper…and you can't screw up as much…hmm." Turning to his assistant, he asked, "Is it too late to change this show over to a cartoon?"

"I'm certain, sir."

"Typical. All the good ideas come when I don't need them anymore."


	55. For Your Ice Only Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"Okay, Ferb!" called Phineas after he finished setting up the last sprinkler. "Open the floodgates!"

Ferb twisted the nozzle on the hose, but nothing happened. Frowning, Phineas inched forwards to stare closely at the sprinkler. "I swear I hooked it up right—"

Water suddenly gushed from the sprinklers, soaking Phineas in seconds flat. The redhead spluttered and stumbled backyards as the others laughed. Holding his stomach, Buford cackled, "I can't believe you didn't see that one coming."

_Take Two_

"Phineas! Ferb!" Candace shouted, stomping through the snow to confront the pair. "You are so busted!"

"Hello boys," spoke Lawrence, spinning slowly across the ice. But when he was halfway, he lost momentum and came to a halt. "I knew I didn't get a good enough running start," he sighed.

"Wait, wait." Ferb inched his way towards Lawrence and went to give him a push. He lost his balance in the process and fell flat on his face.

Baljeet grinned. "If that was your idea of helping, I am afraid it was very bad."

_Take Four_

Watching the kids depart, Candace scoffed. "What's the big deal with hockey anyway?"

Lawrence looked thoughtful. "Well, it's hard to explain actually. Taking the flipper from the winner, shoulder ducking the defender—I don't think any of that is correct."

Candace shrugged. "Sounded fine to me."

_Take Five_

"Hey Candace!"

Jeremy skated across the ice towards the redhead. He attempted to come to a stop but did not do it in time, slamming into Candace and bringing them both to the ground. Candace groaned and gingerly rubbed her side.

"Thanks a lot."

The director watched them struggle to their feet and sighed. "An entire episode with them on the ice. What was I thinking?"

…

_Take One_

Perry approached the wooden shack and grabbed hold of the doorknob. He gave a few solid tugs, but the door would not open. He stepped back and glanced at the director, raising his arms in an uncertain shrug.

The director scowled. "Okay, who did it?"

"Maybe it is frozen shut?" said Phineas innocently, lingering on the edge of the set.

"I can get the blowtorch," offered Ferb.

"Don't you dare!" snapped the director. "We're in California, this is all fake snow! Whatever you did to the stupid door, fix it without destroying anything and/or maiming anyone."

Phineas sulked. "You take the fun out of everything."

_Take Two_

"Lucky dog," grumbled Francis. "It's cold in—oh! Agent P, didn't hear you come in. I have no idea what Doofenshmirtz is up to. It seems all of our computers froze. Isn't that right, Carl?"

With his hands stuck in the block of ice encasing the computer, Carl replied, "Tech support says everything is fine."

"Well, I'm sure whatever Doof is up to, he's probably much warmer than we are, and that alone should be reason to stop him," said Francis with a shrug. "Good luck, Agent P!"

Perry gave a salute and rushed off. The director raised a hand and instructed, "Cut!"

"Oh thank heavens," exclaimed Carl. "Now someone get me of here before my hands freeze off!"

…

"I've been too much of a nice guy," remarked Heinz. "Nice guys can't take over large metropolitan areas, except for Roger. But we're not talking about Roger. I've got to get mean."

He started to push his ice-constructed chair across the igloo floor, but it would only slide so far before slowing. With a grunt of effort, Heinz complained, "Why is this so heavy?"

"Why are you so weak?" countered the director.

“That was uncalled for."

…

_Take One_

As the hockey players cleared from the arena, Candace relayed the information Stacy was feeding to her through their wireless earpieces. "So when all the members of the offending team clear the defective zone at the same time, the—" Candace squinted in concentration, unable to hear what Stacy was saying next. "I can't really understand what she's saying."

Jeremy laughed. "That's okay. You weren't really getting it right in the first place."

_Take Two_

"—obvious technical infractions. Go away. The player who committed the infraction is no give me that. No Ginger, I'm busy. I said give me that back. If you don't give—" Candace paused when her earpiece popped out and she scowled, hastily bending down to retrieve it. "Stupid thing."

"Do you want tape?" offered Jeremy with a smirk. "Might help keep it in."

Candace levelled a threatening finger at him. "Don't even try."

…

"Behold, Perry the Platypus, as I make myself abominable," declared Heinz, raising his remote.

A beam of light bounced off the wall of the igloo and hit the marshmallow that was trapping Perry. The special effects crew made the marshmallow explode and the substance splattered onto Heinz.

"Pflllt!" Heinz gagged, bending over and hacking. "It got in my mouth! And my eyes! It burns! This isn't marshmallow cream!"

Two prop guys exchanged uncertain glances. "It's marshmallow substitute," one replied.

Heinz grimaced. "I don't even want to know what that means."

…

_Take One_

The soundtrack blaring in the background, Phineas and Ferb skated towards the center of the rink from opposite ends. They both sailed off a ramp and met in midair. Phineas swung his hockey stick, but missed the puck and hit Ferb's knee instead.

"You did that on purpose!" Ferb hissed, curling up on the ice once he landed, gingerly prodding his throbbing kneecap.

"I did not!" Phineas protested. "This stupid helmet blocked my vision for a second. Why do we have to wear these dumb costumes?"

"Because I said so," the director returned.

Ferb scowled. "I hate it when he says that."

_Take Three_

Buford intercepted the puck from Baljeet and body-slammed him and Django into the glass protective wall. Baljeet let out a yelp of pain, gripping his right arm. "Owwww!"

"I think I broke a rib," rasped Django, lying flat on his back on the ice. "I want hazard pay. I'll sue."

Rolling his eyes heavenward, the director sighed. "This scene is going to take forever."

_Take Four_

Holding onto Isabella's hockey stick, Baljeet extended his for Phineas to take hold of. The redhead did, but before the other two could swing him towards the ramp Isabella's skate caught a groove in the ice. She brought the boys to the ground and they slid into one of the ice sculptures, piling on top of one another.

"I thought you took figure skating lessons!" cried Phineas, trying to dislodge a dazed Baljeet from where he lay on his stomach.

"All grace goes out the window once I'm in the same room as you guys," retorted Isabella. "Now get off me! You're heavier than you look."

…

Removing one of the wooden planks from the sled currently hurtling downhill, Perry used it as a makeshift snowboard. He careened over the snow, keeping parallel to Heinz's sled. When a metal railing rapidly approached, Perry prepared to jump. The edge of the board hit the railing, causing him to sail through the air and land face first in the powder.

Heinz burst into laughter. "Ha! Loser!"

Perry sat up and gave him a pointed look. Heinz stared down at his abominable snowman outfit and scowled. "Shut up."

…

Linda inched her away through the arena stands, where dozens of extras were waving foam fingers. "Sorry. Excuse me. Yes, you are Number One. Excuse—ow!" A foam finger accidently hit her in the eye and she clapped a hand over it. "Okay, that hurts. Really should have seen that coming. Ow. Can I have some ice, please?"

…

Collapsing into one of the plush couches populating the common area, Baljeet drank greedily from his water bottle. "We survived!"

Leaning over the edge of the couch, Phineas remarked, "I don't think any other actors have to worry about surviving the end of an episode recording."

"My feet are killing me," groaned Isabella, massaging the soles of her feet. "I don't think I ever want to skate again."

Buford glanced over at Django, who was sprawled on the carpeted floor. "Are you dead?"

"I think you broke a rib from that body-check," came Django's muffled voice.

"Stop whining," dismissed Buford. "I barely touched you."

"Yeah, like how an elephant barely crushes a car when it steps on one," drawled Ferb.

The door leading to the common area slammed open and Heinz stormed inside, dressed in his full abominable snowman costume. “I can’t reach the zipper,” he snapped. “One of you help me out.”

“How much will you pay?” asked Phineas.

“If I have to pay you to get me out of this stupid thing, I will get you back in a way that’ll haunt you for the rest of your life.”

“Right. I’ll, uh, do it for free.”

“Smart choice.”


	56. Happy Birthday Isabella Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"Croutons, bouillon, platypus food," Stacy said aloud, browsing the Flynn-Fletcher pantry. "Ooh, microwave popcorn! Need this."

"And I have sodas," declared Candace, removing a six-pack of cola from the fridge. She lost her grip on it when she turned around, the cans striking the floor and exploding, spraying cola in every direction.

"Do you know how much time we're going to spend in wardrobe trying to fix this?" asked Stacy in amusement, gingerly tucking her soda-soaked strands behind her ear.

"Sorry!" Candace said sheepishly.

_Take Two_

"It's a surprise for Isabella's birthday," said Phineas cheerfully.

"A surprise…" began Candace suspiciously.

Stacy rolled her eyes. "Here we go again."

"…for Isabella's…"

"Give me those sodas," ordered Stacy, snatching the beverages from her friend's grasp. She fumbled for a moment and couldn't get a solid grip, flinching as they dropped towards the ground. When nothing happened, she grinned and raised her arms victoriously. "I am the Master of Sodas!"

Candace scowled. "That's not fair!"

The director shook his head. "You're all useless."

…

_Take One_

Perry opened the door to his lair, seeing the entire space in complete darkness, the only light the glow from the monitor. Perry started to walk further inside, but the lights did not snap on like they should. He stopped where he was and gave a confused chatter.

"Leave it to us to have motion sensor lights that _don't_ respond to motions," drawled Francis.

_Take Three_

"I want you to—" In the middle of his sentence to Perry the lights on his end went out, casting him in shadows. "Really?" he asked in annoyance. "Carl, I'm waving my arms, why aren't the lights coming back on?"

" _He he he he he…_ ack!"

Carl broke into coughing fit and Francis groaned in exasperation. "Carl!"

"Sorry!" he wheezed. "Something got caught in my throat."

…

_Take One_

"Okay, time to commence operation INAP," announced Phineas.

Adyson turned to Candace and explained, "That stands for Isabella's Natal…uh…wait, what does the N stand for?"

"You had it right," said the director in bemusement.

"Oh. It just sounds…funny. You know when you look at a word long enough and then you wonder if it's spelled right? That's kinda the feeling I'm getting right now." When her friends started laughing, she blushed and snapped, "Oh, be quiet!"

"Don't know why you lot find it funny," scoffed the director. "Adyson actually looked at her script long enough for the words to start to sound weird. None of you have done that ever."

Phineas set his hands on his hips and squinted at the now-smirking girl. "If you're going to start being professional, we're going to have to exile you."

_Take Two_

"Phineas!" exclaimed Isabella. "But all I really want for my birthday is—"

"Don't ruin the surprise," laughed Phineas nervously. "Buford, get her out of here."

"You got it."

As Buford came up behind the girl with the burlap sack, Isabella's nerves got the best of her and she jumped out of the way. "No, no, I can't do this."

"Why not?" asked the director.

"I'm sorry, would _you_ like Buford to stuff you in a burlap sack and carry you off?"

"Uh…no."

Isabella threw her arms in the air. "Exactly. Can't we get…" She paused and stared at her friends, who were staring at her with equally mischievous expressions. "Okay, I love you jerks, but not enough to trust any of you with carrying me in a sack. Except maybe Baljeet."

"I have no muscles in these noodle arms," said Baljeet apologetically. "Boss had to open my water bottle at break."

"That I did," confirmed the director in amusement.

Isabella's shoulders slumped and she slowly turned to glance at Buford, who was grinning widely. "You gonna keep holding us up or are we gonna do this?"

"Everything I've learned about stranger danger is going out the window," sighed Isabella.

Buford raised an eyebrow. "I'm not strange or a stranger."

"Speak for yourself."

…

_Take One_

" _To spend some time alone with a certain someone I adore."_

As Isabella sang, Candace and the Fireside Girls ran behind her across the street, carrying a roll of white fabric. Candace accidentally tripped over a dip in the concrete and she fell to the ground, bringing the others down with her.

"Ouch!" groaned Ginger, shoving at the prop. "Candace!"

"Sorry!"

"This is the sort of stuff I expect from Adyson," said Milly, getting to her feet and brushing the dirt from her uniform.

Adyson glared. "I don't like any of you."

Katie grinned. "Lies."

_Take Four_

Isabella and Phineas stared at the piano they were meant to carry. They only needed to move it one step up the flight of stairs, but they both knew how disastrous this could end.

"That's a big piano," remarked Phineas.

"It is," agreed Isabella.

"It's probably really heavy."

"I bet."

"This is a terrible idea."

"Absolutely."

Phineas glanced at her with a grin. "Ready?"

"Oh yeah." Isabella pumped her fist determinedly. "Let's do this."

They went into their position on the wooden staircase and a crane lowered the piano between them. Phineas lifted it up from the bottom and Isabella held it from the top.

"Action!"

The soundtrack began to play in the background and as Isabella sang her line, she and Phineas both eased their way up one step. Impressed that they had actually managed to do this bit of the musical montage in one try, the director called, "Cut!"

Immediately Phineas and Isabella let go of the piano, sending it plummeting down a flight of stairs and crashing onto the concrete below. There was a thunderous, sickening crunch as the piano folded in on itself from impact.

"All right!" cheered Phineas, high-fiving Isabella.

"We did it!"

The director gaped, horrified. _"Why did you let the piano go?"_

Phineas stared at him weirdly. "We were done with it."

" _The crane was going to bring it back down. We rented it! It was supposed to be returned after the episode was finished being filmed!"_

Isabella held out her hands in a defensive manner. "You didn't tell us that! If you told us these things, we would have clearly saved the piano. It's your fault."

At the director's purpling face Phineas grabbed Isabella's hand. "Uh I think we better take our lunch now."

…

_Take One_

Chasing after Heinz's vehicle on his motor-scooter, Perry removed a small wooden ramp and tossed it in front of him. The scooter sailed through the air and Perry jumped off, aiming a kick towards the bubble surrounding Heinz. Perry hit the glass with his webbed foot and bounced to the top of the vehicle.

“Perry the Platypus?" said Heinz. He glanced at Perry, not missing the way his pained expression. Heinz grinned. "That hurt, didn't it?"

Perry gave a strained, agreeing chatter.

_Take Two_

Heinz slapped the button to open his protective bubble and let the invading bug outside. Perry formed a fist and the man cried, "Wait! I'm not ready!"

Perry ignored him and landed a punch square to his face, sending him spinning around his bubble. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa!" he yelped. When he finally finished spinning, he groaned and held his stomach, "Ugh, I don't feel good. I think I need a bucket."

_Take Four_

"Oh, gross, she brought thousands of tiny bugs into the house," groaned Stacy, shrinking back as _The Grievance_ played out on her television. "What could be worse than that?"

Heinz's bug bus crashed through the wall, raising a massive cloud of dust. Stacy screamed, "Big bug!" and dove behind her couch. She nervously peered over the top and her eyes grew wide at the sight of Perry standing where she had just been sitting.

"OMG! Perry, what are you doing here? And why are you wearing a hat?" She looked up and her eyes widened. "Look out!"

Perry jumped to the side as Heinz lunged at him and he sprawled out upside-down on the couch cushions. For a moment, all three stared at each other and Stacy could not hold back the laughter. "This is weird, this is so weird.”

"I feel like I'm in the wrong place," said Heinz with a grin.

…

"Ooh, I hope they don't have a male dancer popping out of it," said Baljeet nervously, eyeing the towering red velvet cake.

"They asked," said Buford dismissively. "But they couldn't afford me— _pfft._ " He turned his head away from the camera and broke down into laughter. "Sorry, sorry. Mental image."

"No, oh my gosh, do not start." Baljeet covered his eyes. "I do not need nightmares."

…

"All right!" cried Stacy, climbing out from her spot behind the couch. "You're getting oil all over the place. Someone's going to have to—"

She tripped and fell into a pool of oil. Groaning in disgust, she got to her feet, greasy hair covering her face. Heinz looked at her with terrified eyes. "No! It's the greasy _Grievance_ girl from the basement! No! No! What have I done? Why do you have a grievance against me?"

He let out a scream and raced for the window. His knee struck the sill as he dove out, causing him to land in the grass with a yelp of pain. "Ow! Ah, that hurt! That really hurt!"

…

"Hello? Uh, anybody there?" called Stacy, peering through her open front door.

Francis approached the girl and asked casually, "Oh hello there, young teenager. You live here?"

Stacy nodded, lips twitching. She raised a hand to cover her growing smile and the director snapped, "Stacy!"

"I'm sorry! I've never interacted with him _on_ set during an episode before! It's just going to take some getting used to!"

…

"Phineas, I _really_ liked the butterflies," assured Isabella. "Thank you."

"Well to make it up to you, it's kinda lame but...maybe Ferb and I could, I don't know, take you out for some ice cream or something?" offered Phineas.

"Uh…"

Isabella glanced at Ferb. The green-haired boy returned her stare for a moment before suddenly removing his hand from behind his back, which held a red velvet fudge pie. He slammed it into her face and then took off, charging down the street.

"I had nothing to do with it!" protested Phineas, quickly backing away as Isabella furiously wiped frosting and chocolate from her face. "I swear!"

Glowering at him, Isabella turned on her heel and took pursuit after Ferb. The director watched them go and shook his head. "Why must you taunt each other?"

"It's funny," said Phineas. "She'll get over it when she realizes Ferb saved another pie for her to eat. Red velvet is her favourite, after all."


	57. It's a Mud, Mud, Mud, Mud World Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"What are you up to today?" asked Linda, standing in the doorway of the sliding glass door that lead to the backyard.

"We're racing our remote-controlled monster trucks," answered Phineas, moving the joystick of his controller rapidly.

"I don't see any monster trucks," said Linda, perplexed.

"Oh, that's 'cause we rigged them to go light-speed. You how those short motors—shoot, that's not the word."

…

"Let's see," mused Lawrence, regarding the paint-by-number sheet laid out in front of him. "Green goes to number five."

He dipped the brush into the green paint, his elbow accidentally jostling the blue jar in the process. It toppled over and paint splattered across the picture and Lawrence.

"Blast," he muttered.

…

Candace lay sprawled across her bed, staring morosely at the ceiling. The phone on her bedside table started to ring and she reached for it without looking. She batted the receiver to the floor and she turned her head to stare down at it.

"Whoops."

…

Buckling her seatbelt, Candace gripped the steering wheel. Lawrence glanced at her and asked, "Have you ever parallel parked before?"

"Nope," she replied immediately.

"I thought as much," he said in amusement. "This will be interesting."

"You mean terrifying," muttered Candace.

"At least you're wearing a helmet," Lawrence pointed out.

"Are you guys ready?" called the director.

"Yes!" they responded.

"Okay… _action!_ "

"Okay, Candace. All you have to do is park between this plastic trash can, and that plastic trash can," instructed Lawrence.

Candace put the car in reverse and slammed her foot against the gas pedal. When she struck the trash can behind her, she shifted the gear to 'drive' and shot forwards, crashing into the second crash can. She repeated this process, screaming all the while, and she shifted her gaze ever so slightly to the right see Lawrence staring straight out the window, laughing silently.

She hastily brought the car to a stop and parked, breaking down into giggles. The director rolled his eyes and said, "Reset, people. Lawrence, stop laughing!"

…

"Oh my gosh, Ferb. I can't believe it!" exclaimed Phineas. "I've never noticed—"

Candace's bedroom door suddenly swung open, slamming the redhead in the side. He let out a yelp of pain and the door immediately closed again, her cackles clearly heard from within.

"You are so dead," snapped Phineas. "Ow, you gave me a bruise!"

…

"I got this memo this morning on Doofenshmirtz. And somebody abbreviated his name and guess how they wrote it. Doof!" Francis burst into laughter. "Doof! The Doof! It's times like these when you really appreciate having a cool name like Monogram."

"And Carl!"

"I already told you your name's not that cool," snapped Francis. He let out a startled grunt when something slammed into the side of his head. Rubbing his sore ear, he stared at the sneaker now resting by his feet. _"Carl! Stop laughing, Perry!"_

…

_Take One_

Ferb lowered his protective metal mask and activated the blowtorch. The flames were a little too large and caught the boy's knuckles. Ferb instantly dropped the device and shook out his stinging hand. "Ouch, ow, ow!"

_Take Four_

Pressing down on the button of the drill, Ferb swung in a few circles. He lost his grip and went sailing to the floor, the drill still swinging rapidly. The director shook his head. "I wish I could say I'll never give you tools again, but that would be extraordinarily untrue."

_Take Six_

Staring down at his portrait of the Queen of England, Lawrence gave it a kiss. Paint coated his face and he started to cough. "That tastes horrendous!"

The director blinked and leaned towards his assistant. "The Queen's lips were supposed to be made from jam, not paint."

"I'll investigate and smoke out the culprit," she promised.

"Start with Phineas and Ferb. Messing with the props is their thing."

_Take Seven_

"Oh, this seems like a good idea," said Candace sarcastically, perched on the edge of the windowsill.

"I gotcha," assured Phineas, extending his hand.

Candace leaned forwards to grab it, but Phineas backed away at the last minute, causing the girl to fall down the gap between the house and where the monster truck was parked. _"Ow! Phineas!"_

"That's for the door!" Phineas shouted.

…

_Take One_

"Gentlemen, I have a unique investment opportunity for you," proclaimed Heinz. "I'm sure you're all aware of the popularity of monster trucks, right? But you know, they are not really monsters, just big, stupid trucks! So, I came up with my own line of monster trucks! Behold!"

He extended his arms to gesture towards his line of specially-designed monster trucks. He paused when he noticed something amiss with the monster truck that looked like him. Scowling, he demanded, _"Who drew the mustache?"_

_Take Two_

"Of course, that was just a toy. Let's try it out on a real monster truck. Huh? Which brings me to my next invention. The Monster Truck Locate-Inator!" He pulled on the rope, sending the curtain rising from his second invention. "Perry the Platypus?" he exclaimed, spotting the platypus sitting on top of the arcade-like machine. "Guess what? That's not a Monster Truck Locate-Inator at all! It's a Chinese platypus trap!"

Heinz grabbed the lever and yanked, but it would not budge. He gave it a few more tries before saying, "It's stuck good. Bring the screwdriver!"

"Don't give him the screwdriver!" ordered the director.

…

" _WEDNESDAY, WEDNESDAY, WEDNESDAY! GIANT MONSTER TRUCK RALLY RIGHT HERE IN DANVILLE! CANDACE THE CRUSHER TAKES ON ALL COMERS! BE THERE, BE—"_

Isabella faltered in her line to take a large gulp of air. "I can't do that in one breath," she wheezed. "It's impossible."

…

"Dad, you look nervous," remarked Candace as she started up the dirt incline.

"No, of course not. I have full confidence in you," insisted Lawrence, taking an iron grip on the grab handle.

They were about halfway up the incline when the monster truck suddenly stalled. Brow furrowing, Candace tested the gas pedal and twisted the key in the ignition, but nothing happened. She squinted at the gas dial. "Aw man." Leaning out the window, she called down to the crew, "We're out of gas!"

"Of course," muttered the director. In a louder voice he shouted, "One of you come down and get the gas canister!"

Candace and Lawrence stared down the beastly incline and then at each other. "Rock paper scissors?" suggested Lawrence.

"You're on."

…

_Take One_

As they drove across the dirt track, several items were being flung at the windshield. Candace flinched at the flaming tire and both she and Lawrence screamed at the muffler cracking against the glass.

"I don't feel safe!" shrieked Candace.

" _Watch out for the pigs!"_ cried Lawrence.

…

"Time for some Monster Truck Away-Inating!" said Heinz cheerfully. He pressed his eye against the eyepiece, immediately feeling something sticky on his skin. He slowly pulled away and said in a calm voice, "I have a black ring around my eye, right?"

"Yup," the director confirmed.

…

"Candace, why on earth are you all covered in mud?" asked Linda in bafflement.

"Because she's a tire-spinning, gear-grinding, clutch—ugh," groaned Ferb.

"Get settled, folks!" called Phineas. "We're gonna be here a while."

…

Lawrence and Candace leaned over the director's shoulder as he viewed the monster truck footage on the monitor. "Well?" she asked.

"Looks really good," decided the director. "Good job, guys. I'll send it off to editing."

Relieved, Candace and Lawrence high-fived and made their way out of the studio. "Thank you for sharing that experience with me," she said.

"No problem," said Lawrence cheerfully, clapping her on the shoulder. "Now that it's over I suppose that it was rather fun. Though I don't want to see another monster truck for a good while, mind you."

"Me neither," agreed Candace feelingly. "Want to get a hot chocolate?"

"My treat."


	58. Perry Lays an Egg Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"I guess it's already as sunny as it's gonna get," remarked Phineas, lowering his device. He and Ferb started to make their way down the tree branch. Ferb lost his balance and fell to the ground, landing with a solid _thump_.

"Ouch," he groaned. "Ow."

Phineas peered down at him with a grin. "Better you than me."

_Take Two_

As the two boys made their way across the branch, Ferb suddenly reached out and gave Phineas a shove. The redhead let out a startled yelp as he tumbled to the grass below. When he broke out of his daze, Phineas sat up and glowered up at Ferb.

"What the heck?!" he snapped.

"Better you than me," mocked Ferb with a smirk.

The director rubbed the space between his eyes. "Cool down, you two. Reset. And please stop trying to kill each other."

_Take Four_

"Hey, Perry, do you have any cool ideas for projects?" asked Phineas.

The platypus chattered as Ferb spotted the egg resting behind him. He picked it up and held it out. Phineas studied it and his eyes widened. "That's an egg. Perry laid an egg! You know—"

When he suddenly stopped speaking, brow furrowed in puzzlement, the director coaxed, "It's 'you know what this means, don't you?’”

"I know the line. I just had a thought." Phineas pointed down at Perry, who was observing with bemusement. "We know Perry is a male. Heck, one of the next lines is 'congratulations, old boy'. Males don't lay eggs. Why are we completely accepting the fact that Perry laid this egg?"

The director was quiet for a moment. "We'll just hope the audience doesn't notice," he said at last.

Feb set his hands on his hips. "Yeah right. You clearly haven't been on the Internet forums."

…

_Take One_

"How did you like our new pneumatic transporter?" asked Francis. "I used it myself this morning."

Perry stared at the black scribbles on Francis' bald head and upper lip. He turned his head away from the camera, a grin crossing his beak.

"Great," huffed Francis moodily. "If I didn't think I looked ridiculous before, I do now."

_Take Two_

"What? Oh, who am I kidding? The new pneumatic transporter sucks."

Francis rubbed the marker off of his face and Perry immediately burst into laughter. Holding his stomach, he hurried off set to gather himself.

"Do I look worse without the marker?" asked Francis in bewilderment.

"Ten times worse," cackled Carl. "Someone get him a mirror!"

…

_Take One_

"Five feet for popcorn, fine," reasoned Candace, shuffling back towards the couch with a green bowl filled with popcorn.

Her foot struck the edge of the coffee table and she tumbled into the sofa, the bowl flying through the air. Snack food rained down and Candace let out a shout as the bowl smacked into her head.

The director rolled his eyes. "It'd be nice if you could successfully _walk_ five feet."

"Very funny," snapped Candace.

_Take Three_

Candace watched the nature documentary play out on the television. When it got to the part of predators pursuing the baby sea turtles, she let out a shriek of horror and covered her face with a pillow.

"No! No way! I can't do this. I'm going to have nightmares!"

"Candace, it's just two minutes!" cried the director in exasperation. "Then we'll cut it off!"

"I refuse!"

"Do you want to get paid or not?"

Candace slowly lowered the pillow to glare at him. "You are a cruel, cruel man."

_Take Five_

"What's that?"

The sound of a platypus chattering caught Candace's attention and she approached the window. She grabbed the end of the blind and pulled. When it didn't rise, she gave it a few more good tugs before giving up.

"It's stuck."

_Take Six_

"What are you doing to this precious gift of life?" demanded Candace, cradling the egg.

"After Perry left his egg unattended, we decided it would be best if we watched over it for him," explained Phineas as Ferb unfurled a blueprint. "Given the rudimentary needs of the average egg, we calculated the heat transfer due to elemental exposure, plus the positive developing life responses to familiar and expected sound, and factored the obvious visual surroundings. The result was the Plat-a-Droid, but since we were pressed for time, we only built the platy-posterior."

Candace stared at him for a long moment, a smirk forming on her lips. "You wrote your line on the back of that blueprint sheet, didn't you?"

Phineas crossed his arms over his chest. "I either cheat and we get this done in a couple of takes or I attempt to memorize and we're here all day. Your choice."

_Take Seven_

"An egg is like a little baby. It needs a living, breathing mother. It needs...hold on one second."

Candace hurried into the house and returned a minute later, dressed in a full platypus costume. Phineas and Ferb took one look before dissolving into laughter.

The director shook his head. "This is going to be a long day."

…

_Take One_

"In retrospect, it was probably more of an unhealthy obsession, but to win her heart, I created the Whale Translator-Inator! I rented the best ocean…uh, ocean-something…"

"Oceanographic," supplied the director.

Annoyed, Heinz muttered, "You can't just say boat?"

_Take Two_

"She left me for that trash-talking thirty-five-ton pile of—" Heinz paused his line and bent over, shoulders shaking with laughter. "This is so stupid! How do the writers come up with this stuff?"

"I'm not brave enough to ask them," drawled the director. "But if you want to, go ahead."

…

_Take One_

"Okay, first things first. Dismantle that thingamajig of...of weirdness," ordered Candace. "Sometimes, I swear, I'm the only normal one—"

She let out a snort and hastily covered her mouth. The director glared at her. "Candace!"

"Oh, come on! It's hard to talk about being normal when I'm wearing a platypus outfit!"

_Take Four_

"Now, let's get serious. See what I'm wearing here? Serious."

For a second, the three stared at each other. In unison Phineas, Ferb and Candace burst into helpless laughter. The director touched his temple, feeling the beginnings of a headache coming on.

"Find the writer who thought this was a good idea," he said to his assistant, "and put them in the stockades."

"I don't think you're allowed to do that, sir."

"I'm the director. I do what I want."

…

"I just told him his macaroni and cheese recipe is too cheesy and not macaroni-y enough!" snapped Heinz.

Perry stared at him, unimpressed. He reached out and shoved at the man's knee, sending him falling off of the hoverboard and into the water tank below.

Heinz spluttered to the surface. "Ugh! I got it up my nose! Curse you Perry the Platypus!"

…

_Take One_

"There, that just about does it." Satisfied with the arrangement of dolls and fluffy pillows, he called, "Candace!"

There was no response. Craning their necks to peer at the top of the pillow stack where a large cradle rested, they could see Candace snoozing away.

"I'll get the permanent marker," spoke Ferb.

"I'll get the superglue," said Phineas with a grin.

The director glared at them both. "Move one step and I'll glue the two of you into that platypus costume."

Phineas let out a sigh of annoyance. "Doesn't know how to have fun," he grumbled.

_Take Two_

"Huh? It was just a bird?" said Candace in confusion.

"That's not just any bird. That's a rare whale song-singing double-breasted…uh, angular something."

Phineas smirked. "Angular? Seriously?"

Ferb scowled. "It's something like that!"

_Take Four_

"Candace, I have your batteries," called Linda, opening the gate and stepping into the backyard. She paused, staring at the outfit the girl was wearing, and burst into laughter.

"Have you had to wear that all day?" she asked between chuckles.

"Yes, and I'm getting sick of it and the humour has totally gone."

"No, it's still hilarious," snickered Phineas.

_Take Six_

"How do you only manage to see this one? Why only mine?" cried Candace, walking after Linda. "Wait! Come back! This is so unfair! Wait!"

She paused for a few seconds, but Jeremey did not take his cue. Frowning, she approached the gate and peered over the other side. Jeremy was on the ground, holding his stomach and silent tears of mirth trailing down his face.

"He's killing himself laughing," she informed. "Best to let him get it out of his system."

The director scowled. "That could take up to an hour!"

"Perfect," declared Candace, beginning to struggle with the zipper of her costume. "Enough time to get out of this stupid thing and take a shower. I'm sweating like crazy."

Defeated, the director sighed. "Why me?"


	59. Split Personality Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"I don't know, Stacy, between busting my brothers and trying to make Jeremy my boyfriend in time for school, I just can't seem get anything done this summer," spoke Candace, her cell phone held between her ear and shoulder. "Like my Jeremy and Me scrapbook. I mean, I have cute pictures of Jeremy and cute pictures of—oops."

She had cut the picture in her hands too much on an angle, slicing off a portion of Jeremy's head. She lowered the cell phone and her scissors, grinning sheepishly.

"I sort of decapitated Jeremy—but only half. I'm gonna need a new picture."

…

"Look what Baljeet did to my candy bar," snapped Buford. "He got peanut butter on my chocolate. Look at this mess! Look at it!"

He shoved the peanut butter-coated chocolate into Phineas' nose. The redhead stared at it for a moment before leaning back slightly so he could take a bite.

"Phineas!" cried the director.

"It's chocolate," protested Phineas, wiping a glob of peanut butter from his cheek. "You don't not eat chocolate when it's in front of you."

…

Perry jumped down the backyard hatch and slid down the chute. Instead of landing in the chair, he struck the floor and let out a dazed chatter.

The set coordinator flinched at the glare the director sent him. "Uh…guess my measurement was slightly off."

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” said the director flatly.

…

"Those kids are so busted! All I have to do is bring this to Mom."

Candace grabbed hold of the camera-like device and tried to lift it. She underestimated its weight and it fell from her grip, landing on her toe. She let out a yelp of pain and hopped around the backyard, clutching at her foot.

"Ow! I think it broke my toe!"

…

A line of people stretched from the diving board. Heinz was one of them and when Perry approached, he took one look at the man's swimwear before breaking into laughter. Heinz scowled. "I don't know what you find so funny. I look fabulous."

…

"Romance!" sighed Candace happily, plastering a poster of Jeremy onto her wall. "Ouch! Ugh, paper cut."

The director scrubbed a hand down the side of his face. "Why are you incapable of doing the simplest of things?"

Candace glared. "I'd be more offended than I am if I didn't know that remark could be applied to every main actor on this show."

…

_Take One_

" _Me, myself and I don't get along."_

As the soundtrack played in the background, Candace rode the down escalator, looking around. She turned towards the up escalator, pretending to see a second version of herself (the scenes would be reshot later with her in the opposite role). The escalators suddenly screeched to a halt and she pointed at the director.

"Blame me for this one. Go ahead and try."

_Take Three_

Candace rushed to the open elevator doors, managing to make it through before they closed. She lost her shoe in the process, leaving the white flat on the carpet as the rest of her landed in the elevator.

"Dang it!" she cried.

_Take Four_

Phineas raced across the lower mall balcony in search of Candace. He paused and glanced at the upper balcony, where Ferb was located. He didn't have time to react to the water balloon sailing towards his face and choked in surprise.

"Ferb! You're so dead!"

He went off in pursuit of the cackling green-haired boy. The director threw his arms in the air. "Unbelievable."

…

"Have you seen Candace?"

Jeremy stared at the girl in confusion. "Well, I can see you right now."

"No, no, no, no. Not me me me—" Candace paused and frowned. "Wait, how many 'mes' am I supposed to use?"

"There's only two of you," said Jeremy in amusement. "So what do you think?"

"Shut up."

…

"Mister, come on. It's your turn. Are you some kind of a schnitzel?" demanded a child extra.

"I am a man! Not a schnitzel," snapped Heinz. "I will prove it right now!"

He started to climb the ladder, making it about halfway up when a bee started buzzing in front of his face. Crying out in fear he let go, landing on the concrete with a solid _thump_. He immediately got up and waved his arms around, hollering, "Where's the bee?!"

The director shook his head. "Yeah. He's going to be feeling that tomorrow."

…

_Take One_

"There she is," exclaimed Phineas, pointing to the lower floor.

He slid down the rail of the escalator but did not have a smooth landing. He crashed to the floor with a grunt and Ferb landed on top of him a second later. "Ouch! Your bony elbow is digging into my back!"

"This was a terrible idea," muttered Ferb, getting to his feet.

"Maybe cooking spray would make it better," suggested Phineas.

"We're not using cooking oil," said the director flatly. "You can barely make it down without it. I'd hate to see what would happen _with_ it."

_Take Two_

"Phineas, Ferb! Have you seen the other Candace?"

Phineas let out a snort of laughter. "Could your facial expressions be any more exaggerated?"

"No. And if you can't get through _that_ , we're never getting past my last bit of this scene."

_Take Three_

"Phineas, Ferb! Have you seen the other Candace?"

"We just saw her. She's driving away with Mom."

Candace snapped into a straight-backed stance and pointed off into the distance. She let out a pterodactyl screech and it was only half a second before the boys burst into hysterical laughter.

"What the heck was that?" wheezed Phineas.

"I don't know," said Candace, shoulders shaking with helpless giggles. "It's in the script."

_Take Ten_

" _Rrrreeeegggghhhh—ha ha ha ha ha!"_

Candace bent over, clutching her stomach, as Phineas and Ferb dissolved into tears. At the glare the director sent them, Ferb managed to get out, "Don't blame us. Blame the writers."

_Take Fifteen_

"How can you even make that sound?" gasped Phineas, wiping tears from his eyes.

Candace shrugged. "A useless talent I discovered as a child. Never should have shown it to the head writer during lunch break a couple months ago."

…

"Come on buddy, let's go!"

Heinz remained clinging to the diving board. He wasn't aware of Phineas sneaking up behind him, and jumped out of his skin when the boy pressed down on the air horn. He let out a shriek of terror as he fell through the air and landed belly-first into the pool.

" _You rotten kid! I already have to do it once today! Wait until I get my hands on you!"_

…

"Hey, Candace," called Phineas. "Look who's here early."

Candace looked out of her bedroom window. "Ooh! My Jeremy is here! I'll be right with you my love!"

Phineas turned back to Ferb, who was dressed as Jeremy. He regarded the blonde wig and said, "You don't really pull it off."

"I think I'm rocking it," returned Ferb, flipping the hair over his shoulder. "Where's the offers for shampoo commercials?"

…

"Ah, I can't swim! I am a schnitzel! I _am_ a schnitzel!" shouted Heinz.

Perry rolled his eyes and jumped into the water. The life preserves were a little too tight around his body, so they did not pop off like they should have. He floated in place and Heinz stopped his thrashing.

"For a semi-aquatic mammal, you'd make a terrible lifeguard."

…

As Candace was walking out of the studio ready to go home, she heard a sound that initially made her jolt in surprise. But as she listened closer, she realized it was her unique howling shriek. Eyes wide, she followed the sound, discovering it coming from a pink cell phone resting on the staff room table. Isabella came flying around the corner a moment later, freezing when she noticed the redheaded girl.

"Where did you get that?" Candace demanded. "You weren't even in this episode!"

Isabella grinned sheepishly. "I had to stop by to pick up something I forgot and got caught up. Phineas sent me this earlier. I died laughing. It's the perfect ringtone."

"He sent it to you," repeated Candace.

Before Isabella could react, Candace snatched her cell phone and took off out of the staff room. She zeroed in on the next person she came across, which was Ferb. She tackled him from the side and cried, "Did Phineas record my pterodactyl shriek?!"

"On the twelfth take!" cried Ferb, trying to shove the girl off of him. "He sent it to all the actors! It's gold! Hey! Get out of my pocket!"

Candace found his cell in the pocket of his jeans and stood up. Ignoring his protests, and Isabella racing towards her for her stolen phone, she hollered at the top of her lungs, " _If I don't have all of the actors in the main lobby right now, cell phone in hand, you're going to be sorry. You know what this is about. Don't make me hunt you down. Phineas, you better hide good, because when I find you, the director is going to need to find Ferb a new co-star!"_


	60. Phineas and Ferb's Quantum Boogaloo Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

"Okay, we finished the superstructure," declared Phineas. "But what we really need now is a tool that would fuse wood and metal on a molecular level."

Baljeet frowned. "Technology like that is twenty years away. You will need a time machine. Luckily, I have been working on a design—" He halted in his line when Ferb, instead of making a smooth landing after sliding down the metal poles, did a face-plant. "You know, I do not think Ferb is in any condition to be going time travelling."

"He's not in any condition to do anything, but that never stopped him before," snickered Phineas.

_Take Two_

"There is a time machine at the museum?" asked Baljeet incredulously.

"Yeah, we took it back to the Mesonomatic era." Furrowing his brow, Phineas turned to the director. "Wait, the _what_ era?"

Ferb scoffed. "I don't know how you can talk about me not being in proper condition to do anything when you can't even _speak_."

…

_Take One_

"Hey, look at that! That looks like...it is! It's Candace twenty years older!" Cupping his hands around his mouth, Phineas called, "Hey Candace! How long did you have to be in makeup to get geezered-up?"

"About two hours!" she answered. "The prosthetic stuff feels weird."

"Cut!" snapped the director in annoyance.

_Take Three_

Peeking over the edge of the fence, Candace glared in the direction of where Phineas and Ferb were sitting beside Xavier and Fred. She tried to swing herself over the fence, but lost her balance and fell backwards, crashing back to the grass.

"Ouch!"

…

"Everybody set?" asked the director, scanning his crew to make sure everyone was in place. "Cameras ready. And…action!"

There was a beat of silence, with Heinz staring at the checkerboard placed between him and Perry. Perry was pretending to be asleep, the makeup making it appear like his fur was sagging due to age.

"Okay, I just gotta rant for a second," spoke Heinz. "We're twenty years into the future. Why do I look like I'm about to keel over any moment when I'm supposed to be sixty-seven? That's not that old!"

"Says you," muttered the director. In a louder tone, he said, "It's for comedic effect Heinz, just go with it."

"I hate it when you say that," grumbled Heinz.

…

Perched atop a green hill that would later be digitally created to look a mountain of beans, Phineas and Ferb adjusted their ski gear. "Have you ever skied before?" asked Phineas.

"Nope," replied Ferb.

"Cool. Neither have I."

"And…action!"

Phineas and Ferb pushed off, sailing down the hill. Phineas' ski hit a snag in the set and he went tumbling down, knocking into Ferb and creating a human snowball. They crashed to the bottom and Ferb groaned.

"Yeah. That's about what I expected."

…

Candace hurried inside the antique shop. "Mom!" she exclaimed. "You gotta come with me right now!"

"I can't right now dear. I have to get ready for my come back come back come back…um, how many come-backs are there supposed to be?" asked Linda.

Candace grinned. "Careful. I think this old-age makeup is starting to get to your head."

"Oh, be quiet you."

…

_Take One_

"Great Bertha's bloomers, I've done it!" exclaimed the extra, getting out of the time machine. "I, Professor Onassis, have invented a time machine! Excuse me, future female of the species, have corn dogs been invented yet?"

Candace stared at him for a brief moment before glancing at the director. "This is the best device the writers came up with to move the plot?" At the director's shrug, she raised an eyebrow and muttered, "All right then. I've done and said weirder, I guess."

_Take Two_

"Okay, so Sharron's Internet tooth pops out right in the middle of math class," spoke Candace, dressed as Amanda. "Wait, my mom's calling. Hi, Mom. What's the fizz?" She pretended that someone was responding to her and after a moment got up. She poked her head out of garage and called, "I'm in charge! Wait, what are you doing?"

"Nothing!" Fred returned.

"I knew it! You never do anything!"

"And cut!" ordered the director. "Good job, Candace. Let's get you into makeup to age you up."

"Can I just say I am seriously digging this outfit?" spoke Candace, running her hands down her purple and white dress. "So if it goes missing from the costume department don't be surprised. And don't be surprised if it never returns."

…

_Take One_

Candace sprinted across the parking lot towards the grocery. She tripped in a crack and sprawled out across the ground, grunting from the impact. "Well. That's a dramatic moment ruined."

_Take Three_

Linda gaped at the massive rollercoaster structure that stretched above them. "Oh my stars! Phineas and Ferb made that?! It's horribly unsafe and dangerous!" She whipped out her cell phone and paused, realizing she wasn't sure what to say next. "Oh shoot, I got too excited."

…

Heinz imagined a giant tin-foil ball careening towards them. He went to jump over the edge, his foot catching in the wire surrounding the edge. He tipped over with a shout and managed to fall backwards. "Okay, for something that's supposed to be safe it isn't very safe."

…

Candace watched the video clip that described how the dismal state of Danville came to be. She managed to hold it together up until Heinz's head floated on the screen and she burst out laughing. "Oh come on! Look at how old and wrinkly he is! You can't expect me to take this seriously."

"I never expect you to take _anything_ seriously," muttered the director.

…

_Take One_

The soundtrack playing in the background, Heinz sat at a long table where food was piled in front of him, while his underlings had a meager piece of broccoli on each of their plates. _"It's like a great lunch with all you can eat, and I can leave my wallet at home, and everyone pays for me because it's compulsory!"_

Heinz lost his breath at the end of the lyric and the last word came out in a rasp. Taking a gulp of air, he exclaimed, "There's no way I can do that in one breath!"

"You have to find your timing," instructed the director. "You're a little off."

Phineas, who was observing the scene, let out a snort of laughter. "When _isn't_ he off?"

_Take Four_

As part of his choreography Heinz twirled his cane in his hand. But he was so focussed on the lyrics that he didn't notice the cane start to slip from his grip. It spun from his fingers and flew towards the crew, who dove to avoid being struck. The director did not move from his chair, merely moving his head to the right as the cane sailed past his left ear.

"Oops," said Heinz sheepishly. "Sorry. Nice reflexes, though. Very smooth."

_Take Six_

Heinz skipped up the human staircase that led to a convertible. His foot slipped off the edge of the car's door and he fell into the gap between the last extra he had used as a step and the vehicle. The extra yelped when his face was kicked by Heinz's flailing foot.

"Ouch!"

"My bad!" said Heinz apologetically. He then winced. "Ooh. You got, uh, you got a little blood on your nose."

"Heinz! Stop damaging our extras!" cried the director.

_Take Seven_

_"Life's a bowl of cherries, and nobody's merrier than me,"_ sang Heinz, _"because everyone else is a—"_ He paused and frowned. "Wait, what's the word?"

"Proletariat."

Heinz stared at the director. "A what?"

"Proletariat," the director repeated, enunciating the syllables. "And then the next lyric is 'and baby, I'm the bourgeoisie!'"

"A _what?_ "

"Someone get Heinz a dictionary!"

…

Staring in the mirror to study his aged-up face, Carl cried in dismay, "Why did you make me bald? I'm supposed to be in my late thirties!"

"Plenty of guys go bald in their thirties, Carl. Some even sooner," spoke Francis, who was currently getting his makeup done. "Actually, you're starting to get a receding hairline yourself."

"I am not!" snapped Carl. Turning to the makeup artist, he asked anxiously, "I'm not, right?"

"Your hairline is perfectly fine," said the artist patiently.

At Francis' smirk, Carl glowered at him. "I can't wait to see what you look like in twenty years."

…

Hurrying across the parking lot, a lab coat-adorned Candace launched a flying tackle at her double. They both hit the ground with a grunt. "Ouch," whined Stacy. "Why do I have to be Candace's double?"

"You were the only one available for shooting today," replied the director. "In a bit you'll get to tackle Candace."

The redhead flinched at the eager expression on Stacy's face that formed. "Great," she muttered unhappily.

…

_Take One_

"Ferb, isn't there an old-time machine in the Museum of National History?" asked Phineas.

"Yes, that's what you'll fix later this summer when we go to the museum," informed Candace. "It's the one I took back from the future but now it's destroyed."

"Okay. So the future time machine gets destroyed, that means the one here in the present is raring to go! We'll fix it, take you to the future…" Phineas paused. "Uh…and then what?"

_Take Two_

"Okay. So the future time machine gets destroyed, that means the one here in the present is—wait, how can it be raring to go if it's broken?"

"It's best not to ask questions," advised Ferb.

_Take Four_

"Okay. So the future time machine gets destroyed, that means the one here in the present is raring to go! We'll fix it, take you to the future, bring back the time machine, and we'll unfix it again. And I'll be darned if I know what happens next. Can I see the script for a second?"

The director's assistant handed the stapled set of pages to the redhead. Phineas read through the line he was having difficulty with, brow furrowed. "I know it's supposed to be simple, but why does it sound so complicated?"

"That's a question you can save for the writers," replied the director.

…

"Mom has an antique store. Yes, it's still here!" exclaimed Candace.

She hurried towards the door and instead of it opening automatically, she crashed right into it. Stumbling back a few steps, she rubbed at her nose. "Set people, let's get the timing right, please. A broken nose does not get a girl jobs in this business."

…

"Did you hear that? Aunt Isabella! That means I'm going to marry Phineas," said Isabella giddily.

Candace smirked. "Or Ferb."

A blank look crossed Isabella's face as she looked at the green-haired boy. Ferb looked back at her and, after a beat of silence, started to climb over the seat with his lips puckered in a kissing motion. Shrieking, Isabella planted her hands against Ferb's chest to keep him back.

" _Don't even think about it!"_

"We could make it work," insisted Ferb dramatically. "Just give me a chance!"

Isabella rolled out of the time machine and started to run, Ferb chasing after her. "Get lost! This is harassment! Don't make me go to HR!"

Phineas and Candace burst into laughter at Ferb's antics while the director rolled his eyes heavenward. "Now I get to figure out how to explain to Ferb's parents why their son landed in the hospital. Wonderful."


	61. No More Bunny Business Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

The mailman approached the mailbox situated on the edge of the Flynn-Fletcher lawn. She waited for Phineas to poke his head out, but the metal box rattled as the boy struggled to open the hatch.

"It's stuck!" he cried.

"Phineas, get your foot out of my face!" shouted Ferb, who was pressed up against the back of the mailbox, trying to create at least inch of distance between himself and his friend.

"There's nowhere else for it to go!"

Resting his chin against his hand, the director remarked, "Maybe we should just keep them locked in there."

…

"Oh, man. I can't believe it's here!" exclaimed Phineas, rifling through the box and throwing packing peanuts everywhere. "Finally, the world-famous X-ray vision glasses. This is gonna be great!" He slipped the plastic frames over his face. "Whoa! We got totally ripped-off!"

He took off the glasses in annoyance. Before he could deliver his next line, the director called, "Cut!"

"What?" asked Phineas. "What'd I do?"

"Nothing. Unless you sabotaged the glasses yourself."

Confused for a moment, Phineas studied the prop glasses. He traced the rims of the lenses and he scowled when a black ink smudged against his finger. "Ferb!"

"Relax, it washes off," said Ferb with a grin.

…

"Agent P, Doofenshmirtz is up to his usual shenanigans, but we have a more serious problem," informed Francis. "There's a rogue agent on the loose and he's in your area. Carl's working with our field agents to create a composite sketch."

"Finished sir!" called Carl.

He hurried over to Francis and displayed his drawing. It was a crude sketch of Francis wearing a bunny suit. Perry started to snicker and the man rolled his eyes. "Very funny, Carl. Very funny."

…

_Take One_

"Maybe that's where he disappears to all the time. Well, if he got himself up there, he can get himself down," remarked Phineas, glancing up at the roof, where Perry was perched atop the chimney. "Anyway, we've got the frames and the…the…polytechnic lens solution?"

"Nope," replied Ferb.

_Take Two_

"Anyway, we've got the frames and the polycarbite lens solution."

"Also no."

_Take Five_

"Anyway, we've got the frames and the…" Phineas trailed off as the word once more eluded him. "Ugh! Why can't I get this one word? What is it?"

"Polycarbonate!" called the director. "It's polycarbonate!"

As Phineas repeated the word under his breath, Ferb looked up at Perry, who was still on the roof. "I hope it's not cold up there, because you're going to be waiting for a while."

…

"Aw, poor Mr. Cutie-Patootie. Don't mind him. Once I'm done making you over, _you're_ going to be the new alpha pet," promised Candace.

She slipped a purple dress over the rabbit and then grabbed some powder. She patted it on his face, creating a cloud of white dust. It got into her nose and she started to sneeze uncontrollably. "Ah-choo! Ah-choo! Ah-choo!"

"Candace, Dennis is the one with a face-full of powder and he didn't move a muscle," cried the director.

"I can't help it! _Ah-choo!_ "

…

"Ah, Perry the Platypus! How unexpected for you to burst in my maniacal…" Heinz checked the prop script in his hands and realized he had used the wrong word. "Nefarious! I meant to say nefarious!"

"You have the line right in front of you!" cried the director. "How could you possibly get it wrong?"

"Don't yell at me! It's basically the same word!"

…

"Mom just got back from the grocery store, so we ought to have plenty of carrots for our X-ray glasses," spoke Phineas, opening up the crisper in the fridge.

Candace strode into the kitchen and promptly snatched up the bunch of carrots. "Thank you very much!"

"Oh, actually, Candace, we need those."

Before Candace could speak, Dennis jumped forwards and latched onto the carrots. He then started to hop away with them. "Hey!" she cried. "Not yet!"

As Candace hurried after him to retrieve the carrots, Ferb remarked, "He's just like Perry whenever we've got shrimp on set."

…

Standing on opposite sides of the living room, Perry and Dennis glared at each other. After a beat of silenced they charged forwards until they met in the middle, where they proceeded to fight. Perry swatted away Dennis' punch, but failed to block the blow to his stomach.

Dennis flinched as Perry dropped to the ground, winded.

"I don't know why we include fight scenes," muttered the director. "It never goes well."

…

"Well, Planty the Potted Plant. Pretty clever, eh?" asked Heinz smugly. When the plant only swayed in place, hung to the ceiling by a rope, Heinz frowned and gave it a shove. "Don't look at me like that."

The plant swung in a high arc and came back, striking Heinz in the back of the head. He yelped and fell to the floor, touching the throbbing spot. "It's a ceramic pot! Ow! Who put this plant in a ceramic pot?"

The prop guy shrunk back as the director glared at him. "Um…sorry. I'll…I'll go find a plastic one."

…

"Hey, Phineas. Whatcha doin'?" asked Isabella.

"Just waiting for the concentrated carrot extract to mix with the super-heated optical polymers. Now I dip the frames to the X-ray solution. It may take a couple of hours to set properly."

Studying Phineas for a moment, Ferb asked, "You wrote 'polymers' on your hand, didn't you?"

Phineas held up his left hand, the word scrawled across his palm. "It's a trick that's never failed me before."

…

" _I got a brand-new way of looking at life…"_

As the soundtrack played in the background, Phineas and Ferb approached a ball pit. Phineas flipped on the X-ray glasses and peered amongst the colourful plastic balls. Ferb gave him a shove and the redhead found himself floundering in the spheres.

"Help! It's like a sinkhole in here!"

The kid who had been waiting for Ferb to retrieve him with a pick-up stick popped his head up. He stared at Phineas and said, "Seriously? Just stand still."

Phineas stopped flailing his arms about and realized that the ball pit really wasn't deep. Cheeks turning red, he muttered, "Let's just start over."

Shaking his head, the extra muttered, "How did he become the star of this show?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," replied the director.

…

An avalanche of carrots poured into the lab. Dennis immediately pounced of them, devouring them at a rapid pace. Perry reached through the bars of his cage and picked up the carrot that rolled near him. He tossed it towards the release button on the console, but his aim was off and it missed.

Dennis let out a snicker of amusement. _"How could you miss that?"_

Perry glared at him. _“Oh, shut up.”_

…

"On behalf of the entire agency, I like to thank you for your valiant service in one of our darkest hours," said Francis. Carl handed him a medal and a tiny fedora, which Francis proceeded to place on Planty the Potted Plant. The weight of the medal caused the plant to sag forwards and lie limp.

Carl gasped in horror. "You killed him! You killed Planty! How could you?"

"Easily." He dropped the plant on the ground, the plastic pot cracking and dirt flying across the floor.

"Francis!" snapped the director, having to raise his voice to be heard over Carl's laughter.

"Sorry."


	62. The Great Indoors Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a Spanish line at the end of the chapter that translates to 'Shut up boss'. Or at least that's what the online translator told me.
> 
> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

When a knock sounded on the door, Phineas called, "Come in!"

Isabella, Ginger and Holly entered the living room wearing forlorn expressions. "Hey Phineas," greeted Isabella sadly. "Whatcha doin'?"

She shook the rain drops off of her umbrella and slung it over her shoulder. Ginger, who was standing too close to Isabella, yelped as she got slapped in the face with the damp fabric. "Ow! Careful!"

"It's not my fault!" said Isabella. "You're supposed to be a bit further back!"

"You could be a little more sympathetic. You nearly took out my eye," whined Ginger.

…

"You see, I know Jeremy likes me, but I don't know why he likes me. And…and…" Candace trailed off and rubbed her forehead. "Ugh. There's too much rambling to remember."

"Follow the train of thought the first line initiates," the director advised.

Linda grinned. "That's a helpful hint, but Candace has enough difficulty finishing her own thoughts, let alone her lines."

"Hey!"

…

Perry slid down the chute and entered his secret lair. But the rainwater caused him to slip right out of the chair and into the screen, where Carl yelped.

"Why did that startle you?" Francis demanded. "You knew it was coming!"

"I know! But it looked like he was coming right at us!"

"He's on another set, Carl! We're watching him on a monitor!"

"I know that! I'll get it next time." Carl looked at the screen, where Perry was glaring at him. "I'm sorry! You just have to do it one more time."

"More baby oil on the chair please," instructed the director.

…

"You guys are the greatest!" squealed Isabella. She opened up her book and said, "Okay, according to the Fireside Girl handbook, we can find water in cacti."

Spotting a nearby cactus, she walked over and noticed there was a zipper. She tugged on it, intending to open it up and reveal a water cooler. Instead Baljeet popped out with a loud, "Boo!"

Isabella shrieked and stumbled backwards, falling into the warm sand. As the others burst into laughter Isabella scowled and tossed the book at Baljeet, who dodged the projectile. "Go home! This isn't your episode."

"Thanks for stopping by," cackled Phineas, high-fiving Baljeet as he passed by.

"It was my pleasure," said Baljeet with a smile.

…

"So, we've gotten water from a cactus, witnessed a mirage, and learned the difference between sunstroke and heatstroke," listed Isabella. "Thanks for that, Adyson."

The brunette was being lugged through the sand by Katie and Ginger. Before she could utter her line, the two girls felt their arms give way and Adyson fell face-first into the sand. "Oof!"

"Sorry," apologized Katie, helping her up. "But you're heavy."

" _I am not!"_

…

"So, now that you're all comfy cozy I can introduce you to—"

Heinz grabbed hold of the metal pole that supported his Rain-Inator and started to spin around it. But the rain gathering on the concrete floor caused him to slip and tumbled forwards. "Ouch! Can I get some rainboots? These shoes have no traction!"

"Yeah, the shoes are the problem," the director muttered under his breath.

…

As the Fireside Girls inspected the ground, searching for bugs, a growing rush of water sped towards them. The girls got out of the way and Adyson, who was meant to get caught up in the current, panicked at the last second and dove to safety.

"Adyson!" the director snapped.

"There's no way Isabella is going to get that rope to me right away!" she cried.

Isabella shrugged. "It might take me a few tries."

"I'm going to drown!"

The director rubbed a hand down his face. "You're going to be fine, Adyson. We have medics standing by."

"That doesn't make me feel better! You only have medics around when you think someone's life is actually in danger! And considering the crazy stuff we do, that doesn't happen often!"

"I'll call in some lifeguards."

Phineas let out a soft whistle. "Medics and lifeguards. Someone's special."

…

_"But if you're asking for specifics, well this isn't hieroglyphics,"_ sang Jeremy.

He took hold of the upside-down umbrella's handle and started to spin. But he leaned back too much and sent the both of them splashing into the water. Candace spluttered to the surface, moving her damp red hair away from her eyes.

"Jeremy!"

"Sorry," the blonde boy laughed. "Whose idea was it to put us floating in a river?"

"Whoever it is should be fired," agreed Candace.

"It was mine," said the director flatly.

Candace exchanged a glance with Jeremy. In unison the pair pointed at the director and declared, "You're fired!"

"Very funny. Now get back in the umbrella raft before you're the ones with the pink slip."

"Oh please," scoffed Candace, helping Jeremy right the umbrella. "Like you'd be able to find replacements for us."

…

"Behold Mount Ferbius!" exclaimed Phineas. He thrust out his arms, gesturing to the mountain that rose high behind him.

A tiny pebble rolled down the slope of the mountain and bounced off of Isabella's head. Adyson, who was meant to take the hit, burst into laughter. "Perfect!"

"Shut up!" snapped Isabella, rubbing the sore spot.

"Wait, that was a real rock?" asked Adyson with wide eyes.

Scowling, the director to glare at the sheepish prop guy. "You know, I'd appreciate if you learned when to use real props and when to use fake ones."

…

Heinz let out a frustrated cry as Perry flew off into the sky in his hovercraft. " _Maldito seas, Perry el Ornitorrinco!_ " he cried. "Man, this is gonna to cost me a fortune on my water bill."

"Cut!" The director stared at Heinz in bafflement. "You got the Spanish line right on the first try."

"Yeah. So?"

"Why can't you ever do that with your English lines?"

Heinz glared. " _Cállate, jefe_."


	63. Escape From Phineas Tower Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

“Wow!” exclaimed Phineas. “What’s that thing?”

“Oh, this? It’s an escape chamber from an old vaudeville show,” explained Lawrence. “In the old days, men would go into these things and pretend to be locked inside and then they would ‘escape’ to the amazement of the crowd. Here, let me show you.”

Lawrence approached the wooden chamber and tugged on the handle, but it wouldn’t open. Ferb smirked. “Looks like someone forgot to unlock it.”

The director gave an annoyed sigh. “Someone go and get me the prop guy.”

_Take Two_

When Lawrence stepped fully into the box, Phineas ran up behind him and yanked the door shut. He quickly locked it and he took off with a cackle. “Oi!” cried Lawrence, pounding on the door. “Let me out!”

“Let me get this straight,” spoke the director, running a hand down his face. “Not only did you _not_ have the prop set up in the first place, but you gave the key to the prop to _Phineas_?”

The prop guy quailed under the director’s piercing glare. “He said he wanted to hold onto it,” he said feebly.

“Are you new here?” asked the director incredulously.

“Er…yeah, actually. It’s my first day.”

After a moment of blank staring, the director turned to his assistant. “Remind me to put a few extra notes into the orientation folders. Also, find someone to chase down Phineas.”

“How about Ferb?” she suggested, gesturing to the boy, who had been observing the conversation with a great deal of amusement.

“I’ll do it for fifty dollars,” spoke Ferb with a grin.

The director snorted. “I pay you enough as it is.”

“Clearly we’re not looking at the same paycheck.”

_“Will someone please let me out of here?”_

…

_Take One_

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! My brother and I are here today to give you a thrilling display of escapement arts as we attempt to extricate ourselves from this, the most complicated trap ever devised by man or child! A computer-controlled tower so fiendishly clever that—”

Phineas cut himself off and hunched over, gasping in mouthfuls of air. “Too much talking,” he wheezed. “Not enough breathing.”

“You’re supposed to do them at the same time,” said Isabella with a roll of her eyes. “Or have you still not mastered that yet?”

_Take Two_

“But what if you do not come out?” asked Baljeet in concern.

“If we're not out in fifteen minutes, you can smash the machine and rescue us, just like in the old days,” said Phineas cheerfully.

“Sounds like a party,” said Buford, holding out a mallet.

“Cut!” cried the director. “Who gave Buford a real mallet?!”

“I’m a method actor,” deadpanned Buford, causing his friends to burst into laughter.

“I’ve worked with you for years. That is completely false.”

“Rude.”

_Take Three_

“Ferb? Start the timer please!”

Ferb walked over and pulled on the lever of their oversized digital clock. The red zeroes changed to a fifteen and Buford called, “Synchronizing watches!”

“Women and children and the faint of heart may wish to leave now,” spoke Phineas as he and Ferb climbed the elevator platform and pushed the button. The elevator rose several feet into the air but came to a sudden screeching halt before they reached the top of the contraption.

Isabella set her hands on her hips. “Should I call the fire department?”

“Perhaps our ladder will reach them,” suggested Baljeet.

“Nah, they can make that jump,” dismissed Buford.

…

Perry glanced at the sign that read ‘ _Please Wipe Feet!’_ He paused for a second before shrugging and rubbing his webbed feet against the plush mat. A trapdoor opened up beneath him and he found himself enclosed in a cat suit, his head poking out of the opening in the neck.

Heinz burst into laughter. “Oh man, this is so stupid! If only you could see it from my point of view! It’s like, the head of a platypus attached to the body of a cat!”

“That’s the point, Heinz!” snapped the director. “All right, everyone reset!”

…

Trussed up in strait-jackets, Phineas turned to Ferb and said, “Strait-jackets. Classic. Ready?”

He tried to stand on his head, but couldn’t find his balance and tipped over, rolling across the floor. Ferb shook his head. “We’re going to be here a while.”

“You know what, that’s a good look for you two,” said the director dryly.

“Uh…can someone help me up?”

…

“It would be terrible if they did not come out,” said Baljeet, his eyes focussing on constructing a card tower on a sleeping Candace’s stomach.

“I know,” said Isabella feelingly, squirting some shaving cream into her hair.

Candace’s eyes flew open and she shot upwards. “No one said anything about shaving cream!” she wailed.

“Candace! All you have to do is pretend to be asleep!” cried the director.

“She’s putting shaving cream in my hair! That wasn’t in the script!”

Isabella shrugged. “I’m improvising.”

“Well, unimprovise!”

“That’s not even a word.”

“Candace, lay back down,” ordered the director. “The shaving cream stays. Good idea, Isabella.”

“Thanks, Boss!”

“Yeah,” said Candace, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “Thanks Boss.”

…

“And to speak further on this topic, it is my great pleasure to introduce the Ambassador from England, the most etiquette-y country in the world and my personal friend—oh, my goodness, what an ugly-shaped head that man has. With an ugly face to match.”

Outrage flooded Heinz’s expression as Roger turned to face him with a smirk. “Hey! This is harassment! Someone phone H.R.!”

“Yeah right,” grumbled the director. “I can’t even get H.R. to help _me_.”

…

“Wait wait wait!” Phineas looked up from his script to regard Ferb with wide eyes. “You can untie knots with your _toes_?”

“Yes.”

“How did the writers even find that out?”

“We have conversations. But I feel like you should be more concerned with the fact that we’re going to have to dodge darts flying from the walls and avoid giant red balls.”

“Oh. Right. Well, at least the darts will be foam.” Phineas’ brow furrowed. “Er, I think.”

…

With the shooting finished up for the day, the kids crossed through the parking lot. Phineas rubbed his sore arm, a slight scowl on his features. “Yeah. Those were real darts.”

“Hello, boys and girl.”

Candace strode out from behind a parked car, her eyes narrowed into slits. Phineas and Ferb exchanged grins and gave the others a wide berth. Baljeet held his hands up in a placating manner.

“Don’t be a sore loser, Candace. It’s Boss’ fault for letting us improvise.”

“I can’t kick the butt of our boss,” said Candace. “But I’m more than happy to kick your butts. Do you want to know something about the hand-in-warm-water trick, Baljeet?”

“What?” he asked nervously, not liking the dark look that spread across her face.

_“It works.”_

Baljeet screamed and took off running. Buford and Isabella were close behind and Candace pursued them with a war cry. Ferb jogged after them, pulling out his phone and recording the chase. Phineas crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head.

“Poor Candace. Not even in an episode where she’s sleeping can she catch a break.”


	64. Face Your Fear Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Phineas and Ferb stood near the sidewalk, skateboards clutched under their arms. "Okay, guys, now you try it!" Phineas called.

Isabella sailed down the sidewalk and executed a perfect jump over a fire hydrant. Baljeet went next, but the end of his skateboard caught the hydrant and he went sprawling against the concrete. "Ow," he whimpered, gingerly climbing to his feet. "That smarts."

"Is there a reason we're not wearing knee pads and elbow pads?" asked Isabella suspiciously.

"Costume department lost them," replied the director.

Baljeet scowled. "What a quality production you are running."

…

_Take One_

Perry hoisted himself into the tub and slapped on his fedora. He turned the nozzle attached to the showerhead but instead of rotating, it gushed cold water directly into his face. Perry spluttered and tried to turn the water off, only to find the nozzle now stuck.

"Good thing he's semi-aquatic," quipped the director. "Someone grab a wrench and help him out."

_Take Two_

Francis walked into frame, shuddering and batting at his body. "Ooh, ooh, oh, get it off! Get it off! Ooh! Uh, just walked through a spiderweb. Don't you just hate that? You spend the rest of the day worried there's a spider on you. Gives me the willies.

"Anyhoo, our sources tell us there's a cowboy hat in front of Doof's building. Normally, that wouldn't be of any interest to us, since this _is_ the week of the Danville Hootenanny, but it is a rather large hat and, in spite of its name, the Danville Hootenanny is a dignified affair. I wish I had more information, but Carl said there was a big bee by the surveillance equipment. So get out there, Agent P!"

As Perry ran off the set, Francis turned around to look at Carl, who was out of the camera's view. "Carl, is there a spider on my head?"

"No sir," answered Carl. "There's no spider on your head."

"Cut!" called the director.

The amount of terror on Carl's face caused Francis to frown. "What's wrong? You look like there's actually a spider on me."

"Um…"

"Don't worry about it," interjected the director, shooting Carl a glare.

Having a terrible feeling in his gut, Francis slowly reached a hand behind his back—and felt a giant hairy thing attached to his back. "Great Googly Moogly! What is it?!"

"A tarantula," squeaked Carl, shrinking away as the spider started to wiggle.

Also feeling the movement, Francis screamed and started to run around the set, shaking his body madly in an attempt to dislodge it. "You put a tarantula on my back?! A real one?! That wasn't in the script!"

"It wasn't in your script," corrected the director. "Someone get the wildlife guy and put that thing back in its cage before Francis hurts it and we get sued."

"You are a cruel man!"

"Yeah, working on this show can do that to a person."

…

As they walked through the space laboratory, Candace turned to Jeremy and asked curiously, "So what does your father do here?"

"Oh, he's part of a team that makes and manages recognizant satellites. They actually had a couple—"

"Whoa." Candace set a hand on his shoulder and grinned. "Hate to cut you off, but you so did not say the right word."

Jeremy furrowed his brow. "What did I say?"

"You said recognizant satellites. It's reconnaissance satellites."

"Oh."

"What the heck does recognizant mean, anyway?"

"I don't know, clearly," replied Jeremy.

…

"Scram, you flying gerbil!" Heinz shrieked as he ran away from the tiny bat. "Amscray! You're making me miss— _agh! It's in my hair! Get it out! Get it out!_ '

…

There were three padded circular contraptions on the floor of the sound stage. They were huge in size and had several foam pieces installed. They were hooked up to a machine that would spin them at designated speeds. It was, as far as the set department was concerned, their greatest masterpiece.

When the director came on the set it was to see Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford and Baljeet on their knees next to the foam structures, openly sobbing. He regarded them for a moment before turning to his assistant, who was amused compared to his exasperation.

"What are they doing?"

"They didn't think you'd actually give them a foam set," she replied. "They're very grateful."

"It's soft!" wailed Buford, pressing his hand against the material. "It's actually soft!"

"No broken bones!" Baljeet raised his hands in the air. "I will not have to worry about getting hurt!"

"It's a miracle," Phineas said with a sniff.

The director made a pained expression. "Heaven help me. No, scratch that. Heaven help _them_."

…

Vanessa regarded the giant, animatronic bat in awe. "Wow, cool! It looks like your cousin, Narthelliot."

"No sudden movements or loud noises, Vanessa!" warned Heinz.

"Dad, relax. It's just a bat. They just eat bugs."

"But it's a very big bat!"

Shaking her head, the girl knelt down to help Heinz to his feet. "Now, come on. Just stand up. It's time to face your fear."

"Well, okay," said Heinz doubtfully.

He approached the bat, who promptly grabbed him in his mouth. As Heinz screamed, Vanessa gasped and smacked it repeatedly in the stomach. "No, no, no! Bad bat! Spit him out!"

The bat's jaw unhinged and Heinz came spilling out to the floor, drenched in a slimy substance. He opened his mouth to deliver his line but was overcome by a gagging fit. "Ugh! It's in my mouth! It tastes awful! I think I'm going to throw up!"

Vanessa plugged her nose and said nasally, "Yeah, you also smell terrible. What the heck is in this stuff?"

"Nobody answer that!" shouted Heinz. "I don't want to know!"

…

"So, having fun yet?" Jeremy asked as he poked at his lunch with a fork.

"Oh, you know I am," Candace replied before taking a sip of her drink.

"You know, my dad goes on and on about the cafeteria here and I think he's right. The food is—"

He was promptly cut off by Candace doing a spit take. But instead of doing it straight forward like she was supposed to, she turned her head and did it directly into his face. Jeremy spluttered in surprise and jumped out of his seat, scrubbing madly at his stinging eyes.

"Candace! That's disgusting!"

"Oh, come on! I had to!"

"No you didn't!"


	65. Return of the Rogue Rabbit Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

The disco ball lowered from a crane and the special effects crew pointed laser lights directly at the sphere. Red dots covered the walls as music pulsed in the background. Dennis looked up, but before he could do anything there was the sound of stampeding footsteps.

Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford, Candace, Stacy, Jeremy and Baljeet raced on set. They broke out into a series of dance moves as Dennis watched in bemusement.

"Jeremy! You're not even in this episode!" snapped the director.

"I can't resist a good scene crash," said Jeremy cheerfully.

…

Isabella crouched behind a puppet stand, operating two wooden marionettes as she delivered her dialogue with an Italian accent.

"Okay, just this once Fireside Girl, I'm gonna let you ask about my business."

She switched to a sweeter voice for the second character. "Denmother, are you a puppet?"

"I'm a marionette. Fuggedaboutit. You gotta fam'ly? Go home to your fam'ly."

Buford burst into laughter and it wasn't long before Phineas, Ferb and Baljeet followed suit. He hunched over, clutching his stomach. "I can't!" he wheezed. "Whose idea was this?"

"Her voice!" cackled Phineas. "Oh man, her mafia voice is gold!"

Isabella peeked through the curtain, her shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter. "I made it through the whole thing without breaking! I can't promise I'm going to be able to do that again."

"It's not our fault!" protested Ferb. "The girls are killing themselves laughing off camera! We stand no chance."

"It's so stupid," gasped Gretchen, tears streaming down her face. "So stupid!"

…

"Agent P, we have a situation," said Francis. "Dennis the Rogue Agent, formerly our most wanted rodent—"

"Lago—wait, what is it?"

"Lagomorph," called the director.

"That does not sound like something a bunny would be classified as," muttered Carl.

"Did you go to school?" asked Francis.

"Yes, and I assure you, they did not teach me about lagomorphs. Does somebody have a pen? I'm gonna need to write this on my hand."

"You're off camera, Carl. Just pull out your script," said the director.

"Okay, give me a sec—wait! I'm usually always off camera! Why can't I always be reading from my script?"

"Because if we can't cheat you can't cheat," snapped Francis.

"That's not fair!"

"Life's not fair. Put down that script and find a pen, just like the rest of us have to do."

…

"Is that everything, Phineas?" Isabella asked, peering up at her friend, who stood on top of the log pile with Ferb.

"Yeah—"

Phineas' line morphed into a scream as Ferb shoved his shoulders, sending him leaning precariously over the ground, only to snatch him back to solid footing in the same second. "Saved your life," said Ferb with a smirk.

"I'm going to kill you!"

…

As the marionette operating cart rolled down the street, Baljeet turned the crank. It wasn't a smooth turn and he had to put his back into it, which is probably why a severe pain suddenly developed. "Cramp!" he wailed, sinking to the floor. "I have a cramp! Man down!"

"Why does he get the easy job?" demanded Phineas.

He pointed to Ferb, who was sitting in a chair near a lever, which he simply had to slide back and forth when it came time for his cue.

"Do you want to fight me for it?" asked Ferb casually.

"No," said Phineas moodily.

…

"Now, before I let you loose on the O.W.C.A., this should—"

Heinz shoved at the door of the chamber, but it refused to open. "Uh…do I need a key or something?"

…

"It's true," insisted Candace. "Ferb told me. It's called…uh…I don't remember what it's called."

"Rennet," supplied Stacy.

The director shook his head. "I'd say I should tell the writers to stick with basic vocabulary, but you guys can't even do that."

…

"Isabella, I'm all puppeted out!" gasped Buford. "What say we take a lil' break an' get some eats?"

"Let's take five," instructed Isabella.

"Cut!"

Buford let go of the crank and tried wiping sweat from his brow, but his arms were too stiff to reach that high. "I should have fought Ferb for his job."

"Well, you look better than Baljeet," remarked Phineas. He stared at the Indian boy, who was lying still on the floor. "I think he died."

…

Perry started to climb the marionette strings, but about a quarter of the way up he found himself tangled in the strands, unable to move.

"Looooooser!" shouted Heinz.

…

Perry and Heinz struggled with the wooden marionette controller. Instead of following the fight choreography, Perry knocked Heinz's legs out from under him. Once he was on the ground Perry hit him repeatedly with part of the handle.

"Ow! Stop it! Ow! This isn't in the script! OW! Stop it Perry the Platypus! OUCH! OKAY! I'm the loser! I'm the loser!"

…

_Take One_

"Mr. Patootie!" Candace called. "Where are you?"

"There he is!" said Stacy, pointing down the dock.

"Mr. Patootie!" cried Candace.

As she ran down the dock towards the rabbit, she stumbled and lost her balance. She yelped as she landed face-first into the wood and Stacy recoiled so violently it was as if she'd felt the impact herself.

"Oh my gosh! Candace! Are you okay?"

"I think I got a splinter in my nose."

_Take Two_

"There you are, Perry!" said Phineas cheerfully, picking up the platypus. "Cool, Candace, you found your rabbit."

"Oh, look! There he is!"

Francis and Carl approached the kids, dressed up in disguises. They took one look and dissolved into hysterical laughter. Francis scowled and took off his black wig, throwing it to the ground. "I knew it! What's wrong with the costume department?"

"Your boots," shrieked Candace, pointing at Carl's feet. "What are those?"

"I like them," declared Carl, extending his leg so he could admire them. "I'm gonna steal them."

"What is with that mustache?" gasped Phineas. "And that helmet?"

"I've learned to stop asking questions," said Carl with a shrug. "Also I refused to look in the mirror. That helps."

"I'm taking a picture," snickered Ferb, holding out his phone.

"No you're not!" hollered Francis, lunging forwards.

Stacy wiped the tears from her eyes as Francis tussled with Ferb. "Oh, man. That was great."

"Are you ready to act yet?" asked the director in annoyance.

"Oh heck no."


	66. The Belly of the Beast Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

"And that is why we celebrate Harbor Day every year with a re-enactment," said Lawrence cheerfully. "Here cometh the shark."

"Look at me, I'm a shark!" declared Buford. "I can—"

But Baljeet spluttered to the surface before his cue, coughing and gagging. "I got water in my lungs!" he wheezed.

"That's why you're supposed to hold your breath!" snapped Buford.

"It is hard to push you! You are too heavy."

Scowling, Buford placed his hand on top of Baljeet's head and shoved him back under the water. The director glared at him. "Buford! No drowning people at work!"

Phineas shook his head as Buford let go of Baljeet. "We never get to have any fun around here."

…

Perry swung out of a chute and landed inside a wooden boat. One of the oars dislodged from his landing and fell into the water. Perry tried navigating with just one oar, but all he managed to do was go around in circles.

"Smooth," cackled Francis.

…

_Take One_

Candace and Stacy stood at the edge of the dock, pretending that they were watching a giant metal shark being airlifted into the ocean. The special effects crew sent a great wave of water towards Candace, but the redhead stepped out of the way and yanked Stacy into the line of fire.

"Hey!" shrieked Stacy, soaked through. "What was that for?"

"It's always me getting drenched or dirtied or smacked. I thought it was your turn," said Candace with a smirk.

"Thanks a lot, Candace," said the director in annoyance. "Now we have to wait for her wardrobe to dry off before we can try again."

"I'd say I'm sorry, but that'd be a lie."

_Take Two_

Candace started shoving Captain up the gangplank. "Yeah, yeah, that's fascinating. Tell me after we shove off!"

Stacy promptly grabbed Candace's arm and threw her off the gangplank. Candace fell into the ocean with a startled scream and Stacy smirked down at her. "Gotcha back."

The director threw his hands up. "Do you girls want to go home anytime soon or not?"

"I'm fine, thanks for asking," said Candace in annoyance, starting to swim for the dock.

…

_Take One_

"Okay, Ferb. Let's see what this baby can do!" said Phineas cheerfully. "Looks like everything's shark-shape!"

He shifted his head slightly, catching sight of Ferb out of the corner of his eye. He tried holding in his laughter, but the sight of Ferb wiggling his legs and butt in order to make the shark tail of his bodysuit move was too much.

"I told you not to look," said the director.

"I couldn't help it!" said Phineas, hunched over and holding a hand to his stomach. "Oh man, he looks as stupid as I thought he would!"

"Can you hurry up?" demanded Ferb. "This isn't a comfortable position to be in."

_Take Two_

"Looks like everything's shark-shape! Make a left. Let's get our…cartridge vert-a-something on!" Phineas swung around in his seat with a shrug. "I have no idea. I'm gonna need a pen, there's no way I'm remembering it."

"I just want to point out that the extras we hired to perform the opening song nailed those exact words on their first try," said the director.

Phineas grinned. "You always like to point out how much more professional the extras are than us. As if you think it bothers us and will spur us to be better."

"It doesn't," said Ferb flatly. "Phineas, hurry up and get a pen. My legs are falling asleep."

…

"And that's why I invented the Saltwater Taffy-inator! You can't see it from here. I built it on the bottom of the ocean where I have an unlimited supply of saltwater for free. I'm going to make the sweetest, gooiest, stickiest saltwater taffy in the—"

Heinz tried to pull his head out of the hole, only to crack his skull against the metal material of the opening. "Ouch! Ow! Oh, man, that smarts!"

…

_Take One_

"Thar she blows!" cried Candace, spotting the metal shark in the water.

"I see you, Mister Beast!" cried Captain.

He jerked the wheel of the boat and it swung around sharply. Candace lost her footing and went tumbling down the deck with a shriek. She came to a halt when she smacked into the railings. Stacy grinned down at her.

"Looks like someone doesn't have their sea legs."

_Take Two_

"Looks like the re-enactment has started!" said Phineas excitedly. "Let's give 'em a run for their money, Ferb!" Ferb saluted him and Phineas cried, "They're still on our tail!"

Ferb flipped from his horizontal position so he was now vertical. He shook his hips madly, as if he were flapping a tail, but immediately stopped the motion when pain flared up his right side. "Ow! Ah, pulled something, I pulled something!"

_Take Three_

"Really?" Candace shouted at the sky, the only one dripping wet from another freak wave. "Really?"

The purple octopus, which should have fallen on Captain's head, landed on Candace. The girl screamed and ran about blindly, trying to yank it off her. "It's slimy! Ew ew ew get it off!"

Stacy burst into laughter. "This is the best day ever."

…

_Take One_

Dressed in a full wetsuit with scuba gear, Heinz stood at the edge of his boat. He started to turn around, so that his back would face the water, but he tripped over his flippers and fell face first onto the metal grate. "Ow! Ugh, I broke my mask!"

"I'm tempted to send you down there anyway," said the director flatly.

…

Perry and Heinz tried to fight, but Heinz kept going in the wrong direction, or kept floating towards the surface. The professional scuba diver supervising them, with a waterproof walkie-talkie, received an instruction from the direction and motioned for the pair to go the surface.

Heinz broke through the water and, knowing exactly what the director was going to say, said, "It's not my fault!"

"You're the one thrashing around like toddler in water-wings," countered the director, who had seen everything through the monitor, which was connected wirelessly to the underwater cameras.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was supposed to be as good as the semi-aquatic mammal," said Heinz sarcastically.

"You hardly are the rest of the time, why should this be any different?"

Heinz glowered at Perry as he snickered. "Shut up."

…

"Hoist the main sail!" Candace ordered Stacy. "Swab the poop deck! Watch that jib, sailor!"

But Stacy did not duck in time and the jib collided with her head. She was sent reeling backwards and she crashed to the deck with a yelp of pain. _"Ow! Oh-ho ho ho, that hurts!"_

"I told you to watch it!" cried Candace as Stacy huddled into a ball.

"I think Stacy is done for the day," whispered the director's assistant.

"Yeah. We'll grab the rest of her scenes tomorrow," said the director. "Uh…someone should drive her to the hospital. That thing hit her _really_ hard."

As people hurried to assist Stacy, Candace could not help but get the last words in. "Is it still the best day ever?"

_"Candace!"_


	67. La Candace-Cabra Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

Phineas and Ferb sat against the bark of the tree, their eyes closed. Their shoulders shook with suppressed laughter. The director crossed his arms. “Buford hasn’t even come on set yet.”

“I know. We’re just visualizing him in a pink dress, and we’ll be prepared for it,” said Phineas.

“Who are you kidding?” asked the director flatly.

“Ourselves,” replied Ferb.

_“Why do I have to wear the dress? Why can’t Baljeet do it? I want my lawyer!”_

Buford stormed onto the Flynn-Fletcher backyard set, wearing Isabella’s outfit. Phineas and Ferb promptly burst into roars of laughter and Buford glowered at them. Baljeet stood beside the burly boy, tears of mirth streaming down his cheeks.

“If you had a lawyer, you probably would not be on this show to begin with,” he managed to say.

The director rubbed the space between his eyes. “This shot is going to take forever.”

_Take Thirteen_

“Ah, New Mexico,” said Buford with a sigh. “My great-grandfather once saw something mysterious in New Mexico. There he was, happily playing his trade, cowpunching.”

“Nope,” said Phineas with a snicker. “Try again.”

_Take Fourteen_

“It was the elusive Chompy-cobra!”

“The what?” asked Phineas in confusion.

“Based on his extensive history of mala—malawhatsits.” Baljeet furrowed his brow. “What is the word?”

“If I have to stay in this dress another ten minutes, I’m gonna kill someone!” raged Buford. “It’s itchy! How does Isabella do it?”

…

Carl gave the microphone he was holding an experimental tap. “I-Is this thing on? I want to thank you all—”

Water suddenly spewed out of the microphone, drenching his face. Carl spluttered and dropped it so he could yank off his glasses and rub at his face. Francis slapped his knee with a cackle. “Ha! Got you!”

“Why can’t you people spend as much time memorizing your lines as you do thinking up pranks?” asked the director in annoyance.

…

_“Wait a minute! I have to wear a goat costume too!”_

“Do you not read your script in its entirety?” asked Baljeet with a grin, watching Buford regard the goat suit in fury.

“No!”

“Well, that does explain a lot.”

Buford glared at him. “What’s your excuse?”

Baljeet shrugged. “A lack of professionalism, I suppose.”

…

“Look! Everything in my wardrobe is jinxed!” cried Candace, beginning to rifle through her pile of clothes.

_“Boo!”_

Candace and Stacy screamed as Isabella jumped out at them, her phone held out so she could record the reactions. When she recovered from her bout of fright, Candace started swatting at the girl with one of the outfits. “You aren’t even supposed to be here!”

“Phineas paid me!” said Isabella with a laugh as she sprinted off set.

_“Give me that phone!”_

…

“Don't worry about your hat. The heat is really good for the felt,” said Heinz. “Look what I invented!” He upended a purple bottle over a mannequin’s head. Green gloop splashed out and once the scent hit Heinz’s nostrils, he started to gag. “Ugh! This stuff stinks! What’s it made of? Gross, it’s on my hand! I gotta go wash my hands!”

Heinz raced off and the director shook his head. “Get Perry out of there. He looks like he’s going to throw up. And someone track down Phineas and make him give the actual prop back.”

…

_Take One_

“Perry the Platypus, you didn't by any chance—”

Perry used the Switch-Place-Inator like a whip. It cracked directly over Heinz’s head and he let out a shriek of pain. Perry grinned sheepishly as Heinz rubbed the throbbing spot. “Don’t hit me so hard!” he snapped.

_Take Two_

Heinz and Perry stood on top of the biplane situated in front of a green screen. Perry swung the fishing pole back and the hook caught on the seat of Heinz’s pants. There was an almighty ripping noise as a chunk of fabric was peeled free.

“Do. Not. Laugh,” Heinz’s growled at Perry.

…

“I'm going to wait right here until the bustees return,” said Candace firmly. “Oh, and they _will_ return.”

“So since you’re in busting mode, I take it my services are not required?” asked Stacy. When Candace did not answer, Stacy started to walk away. “Yep, I'm super—ooh. Whoops. Forgot the word.”

“Two lines!” shouted the director. “You had two lines in this episode, Stacy!”

…

During the Chupacabra Ho song, a metal contraption was set up in front of a green screen, with Buford dangling from it by a piece of rope in his goat costume. Phineas jerked the controls so the vehicle swung back and forth, and soon the motion made Buford turn green.

“I’m gonna be sick!”

“Don’t do it over the suit!” called Phineas. “’Cause that stuff will _not_ wash out of that material.”

…

“I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS!”

“We need a shot of you parachuting over the city,” snapped the director.

He was in an airplane with Heinz, which was currently travelling high over the city. A helicopter circled a distance away, waiting for Heinz to jump so they could get the footage.

“Use a green screen!” snapped Heinz, clinging to his seat.

“It won’t be as good. You’re going to be fine, Heinz. You had lessons.”

“I FAINTED DURING ONE OF THEM!”

“Well, it wasn’t the important one.”

“I HATE YOU!”

…

“I present to you the elusive Chupacabra!” said Candace, opening the lid of the crate.

Buford came out, holding the tureen of leftover food. Linda could not help but burst into laughter. “Oh, Buford, you look adorable!”

“Dude, you’re like, wet,” said Candace with a snicker.

Buford swiped the sweat off his face. “That’s because this thing is hot! Can we please get this scene done so I can get out of here?”

“Okay, okay, sorry,” said Linda with a grin.

Phineas and Ferb stood off the side. “I think this would be a good time to run,” said Ferb in a low voice. “When Buford finds out you snuck up behind him and superglued the zipper shut, he’s going to _murder_ you.”


	68. Phineas’ Birthday Clip-O-Rama! Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

Phineas lay in bed, waiting for the alarm clock to go off. But instead of the sound of a party blower, like he was expecting, it was an air horn. Phineas yelped and jolted upwards, clapping a hand over his heart. “What the heck?”

“Surprise!” said Ferb with a snicker.

_Take Two_

“Ferb?” Phineas turned to face Ferb’s bed, only to see a card resting against the pillow. “Huh. A note.” Phineas went to pick it up. “For the celebration of your birthday, just…just…” Phineas squinted. “I can’t read Ferb’s writing.”

“You have got to be kidding me,” said the director.

“The line is written right here! Why would I bother to memorize it?”

“I don’t know why that’s your argument when you can’t even read it.”

…

_Take One_

“It’s my fault. I should have been thinking about this before,” said Candace, “but I’ve just been so distracted by trying to bust Phineas and—wait! What is he up to?”

Ferb peered out from behind a tree. The garage door was supposed to open so he could slip inside but it remained firmly shut. Ferb stared at it before he turned to face Candace and shrugged.

_Take Two_

“The circus we ordered won’t be arriving until later in the day, but Irving had a great idea for a warm-up,” said Isabella cheerfully.

“We should make a video compilation of all Phineas’ greatest moments,” said Irving excitedly.

Buford crossed his arms. “That sounds like Boss needed another cheap episode to make on account of he keeps using our budget money for expensive and complicated creations.”

“Do they make the episodes cooler and do you have fun using them?” countered the director.

“Well, I could do without the accidents,” piped up Isabella.

“It’s not my fault you lot are cursed.”

“Hey!”

…

“Okay, now let me do the talking,” muttered Francis. “Agent P. There’s, uh, something we’ve been meaning to discuss with you for a while and, well, you see, Perry, job performance issues have come up. Now don’t get me wrong, you’re doing fine work. It’s just that your entrances have been getting a little lackluster lately. We’ve just come to expect more from you. Roll the footage, Carl.”

Carl reached for his pocket and his eyes went wide. “I forgot the prop.”

 _“Carl! I’m going to kill you!”_ roared Francis.

Carl avoided the grabbing arms and sprinted off the set, screaming for his life.

The director rubbed his forehead. “Someone stop Francis from maiming the kid.”

…

“I saw the best girls in my troop hungry, patchless—”

Gretchen’s serious face broke and she burst into laughter. The other girls quickly followed and Ginger wiped the tears from her eyes, shoving her dark glasses over her beret. “I can’t believe you brought us in for this four-second scene.”

“I’d say I can’t believe you can’t film a four-second scene in one take, but that would be a lie,” said the director with a roll of his eyes.

…

“Huh. I thought it would be more than that,” mused Heinz, spinning in his chair. “I guess I could get a candy bar or—” Twenty-two nickels suddenly flew at him and Heinz shrieked, batting at the coins as they smacked against his face and chest. “Ow!” He glared at Ferb, who raced off with a laugh. “The joke is on you, you little punk! I’m not giving these back!”

…

“Yeah, I got a little sidetracked preparing the bust of the century,” said Candace. “Later today I’m gonna show you something you won’t believe.”

“If I had a nickel for every time I heard that,” said Linda. She paused for a moment, giving enough of a break for post-production to add the montage of relevant clips, and continued, “Hmm. I guess I could buy a candy bar.”

Ferb ran on set and flung a handful of silver coins at Linda, who yelped in surprise. “Got ‘em!” cheered Ferb.

“You got coins in the frosting!” cried Linda. “And you made me drop the phone!”

“Ferb! Get lost!” snapped the director.

His assistant’s cell phone rang and she answered it. “Hello? Yeah, Ferb came in and pulled a prank.” At the director’s questioning look, she muttered, “The on-location crew. Wants to know why the connection cut out. No, sorry, was talking to the boss. Linda dropped the phone. We’ll fix it and call back. What? Yeah, Ferb did the nickel thing again.”

…

_Take One_

“It’s a safe bet. We used a robotic bird-themed super-suit to save City Hall this summer,” said Phineas.

“Aren’t you a little young—”

The extra paused, for Phineas was supposed to interject. But he was casting suspicious glances around the set. “Phineas!” said the director.

“I don’t want to say it!”

“We put Ferb in his dressing room. Someone’s watching the door.”

“All right,” muttered Phineas.

_Take Two_

“Aren’t you a little young—”

“If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.”

Something solid collided with the top of Phineas’ head and he flailed his arms with a startled yelp. He snapped his gaze upwards to see Ferb perched on the metal rafter. “You jerk!”

“Got ‘em!” said Ferb with a cackle.

“Who let him out?” demanded the director.

…

“You! Step away from the computer! I want to see that video,” instructed Candace, storming over to Baljeet.

“But—”

“Play it!”

“Okay, okay,” said Baljeet in annoyance.

“Phineas and Ferb, I’ve gotcha now,” said Candace with a smirk as Baljeet pressed play.

There was actually footage on the disc loaded into the computer and the two watched a montage of weird scenes, from the giant baby to the talking zebra. When it finished, Candace said, “You ever wonder what’s wrong with our writers?”

“Oh, yes, all the time.”

…

“This is it! All I need to do is get Buford away from that computer and—pfft!”

A cup of water had been upended over Candace’s head. She spluttered for a moment before craning her neck to glare at Buford, who leaned against the window sill with a grin.

“What? It’s not nickels.”

“Shut up, Buford! Go get me a towel!”

…

_Take One_

“Are you ready, Candace?” asked the director.

“As ready as I’ll ever be!” she said wearily.

“Action!”

The hatches on the trucks opened up and an avalanche of DVDs careened towards Candace. She tried to hold her ground but ended up getting pulled under by the discs.

The director sighed as her muffled shouting erupted from the shiny pile. “Someone dig her out, please.”

_Take Three_

“I don’t want to do this!” wailed Candace.

She was meant to go off the wooden ramp on a unicycle. Whatever height she managed would be how tall the dirt mountain would be.

“You’re going to be fine!”

“You know I’m not!”

“Action!”

Gritting her teeth, Candace pedalled with all her might—and immediately face-planted.

“Well, you can’t blame her,” said his assistant. “You only gave her three days of lessons.”

…

“What kind of person am I?” cried Candace, destroying the DVD with the red tool.

“Aw, Candace, you’re a great person! Why, if I had a nickel—”

Ferb popped over the fence but Phineas was ready. Candace watched in amusement as Phineas lobbed a handful of nickels at the boy, striking him in the face and causing him to fall backwards. Heinz and Linda darted forwards, armed with their own set of coins, and Ferb yelped as he was bombarded.

“Ow! Ouch!”

“Got ‘em!” hollered Phineas.


	69. Ask a Foolish Question Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode. 
> 
> Guest Reviewer Alex G, please do not leave reviews regarding Phineas and Ferb: Take Two! on my other stories on FF.net. While I appreciate the feedback, if you can’t leave the review under the story here, please don’t put it anywhere else. As I’d rather not have reviews left on a story unrelated to the actual story content, I deleted the one you left on my recent Amphibia story. Sorry, and thank you!

_Take One_

“Hey boys, want some fat-free whole-grain granola bars?” asked Linda, walking over to where Phineas and Ferb were sitting beneath the tree. “They're still warm from the oven.”

“Whole-grain and fat-free?” Phineas and Ferb picked a baked good off the tray. “You know us so well.”

They each took a bite. Phineas tried to swallow but his taste buds refused to cooperate. He spat it out and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Ugh! These are disgusting! Why can’t she just bake chocolate chip cookies?”

“It tastes like cardboard,” muttered Ferb.

“Why are you still chewing?”

“I don’t know.”

_Take Two_

“You know, Mom's always doing nice things for us. I think it's time we did something nice for Mom!” Phineas rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Let’s see…we could…no. Or—uh-uh.”

Ferb gasped but then quickly sighed, deeming his own idea no good. He and Phineas took turns gasping and sighing, but Phineas broke into laughter partway through. “Sorry! Sorry.”

…

Perry walked over to a bush blooming with pink flowers. He reached for one, intending to pull on it, but a bee flew up and he hastily ran away.

…

_Take One_

Ferb lifted a giant orange wire and tried plugging it into the computer tower. He jabbed at the opening a few times before dropping it in defeat. “It won’t fit!”

“You have it upside-down, dork!” called Isabella.

“It’s a circle! It can’t be upside-down!” snapped Ferb.

_Take Two_

Buford gripped each end of the monitor and struggled to pull it apart. “It…won’t…break…in…half!”

…

“Welcome, Perry the Platypus,” cackled Heinz. “How do you like your trap? That's super quick drying cement. See?” He rapped his knuckles against the cement cube. “Ow! Dang, this stuff is hard!”

“That’s because it’s cement!” snapped the director.

“Well, you don’t have to yell.”

…

“On a multi-valve engine with variable timing, how—how—” Baljeet groaned. “All I can remember is something about tomatoes.”

“That tomato paste isn’t even one of your lines,” snickered Isabella.

…

“Okay, there must be something bustable going on around here.” Candace stepped into the backyard and her eyes went wide, pretending to see the super-computer. “What. Is. That?”

“I am a super computer. I can answer any question that you can possibly ask,” said the director from off set. The lines would be recorded later and added into the episode during post-production.

“Did my brothers make you?”

“Yes. Yes they did.”

“Okay. So let me think of a question.” Candace gave a thoughtful hum. “How many states in the United States?”

“Fifty.”

“What goes on top of pancakes?”

“Butter and syrup.”

“How do you pronounce the J in jalapeno?”

The director shook his head. “Candace, you’re supposed to say it wrong. Hard J.”

Candace blinked. “Wait. I thought I did say it wrong.”

“Oh for the—” The director buried his head in his hands. “Do you go to school? Ever?”

…

_Take One_

“What? Another one? Why are there so many helmets buried in the Tri-State Area?” asked Heinz in annoyance. “Ah, onto the pile you go.”

His aim was slightly off and it bounced off Perry’s head. The platypus gave an angry chatter and Heinz tried to keep from snorting in laughter. “Sorry, that was an accident!”

_Take Two_

“So, Perry the Platypus, hope you didn't come here because of the holes, because the Metal-Unearth-Inator is not even my final plan. May I present to you my real plan? The All-Purpose-Inator!”

Heinz tried ripping off the white blanket draped over the device. His foot pinned the bottom to the floor and when he gave a mighty yank, a giant tear was created in the side. “Whoops. My bad.” Perry snickered. Heinz glared at him. “Shut up.”

…

Perry stood in front of Heinz wearing a Roman helmet and carrying a mace. He swung the weapon around but lost his grip. It careened into the wall, where it left a crater-sized hole. Heinz gaped. “ _Why does he have a real mace?”_

The director looked at the props guy, who shrugged. “I can’t find the plastic one.”

“Then _look harder,_ ” said the director through gritted teeth.

…

Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford and Baljeet sprinted across the grassy field, pretending to follow balloons carrying a leaf blower and industrial orange marker dye. “This way, everybody!” called Phineas.

They jumped over the wooden fence. Buford tripped over his laces and crashed through the planks. The others burst into laughter. “I thought I was the one who was supposed to fall,” said Baljeet with a grin.

“I think I got a dozen splinters,” groaned Buford, sprawled against the ground.

“Someone is gonna have to fix this,” snickered Phineas. “We’re on location. This isn’t our stuff.”

…

“Wow! You're right about everything!” exclaimed Candace. “I can't lose!”

She broke into a run and approached Linda’s car. She threw open the driver’s side door and paused at the sight of the horrible blonde wig Linda sported.

She burst into laughter and hunched over. “Oh my gosh! That’s…that’s…the ugliest hairstyle I’ve ever seen!”

…

Mace and sword clashed as Heinz and Perry fought. Heinz tried to match Perry’s movements but couldn’t keep up. The mace collided with his nose and he stumbled backwards with a cry of pain. “Ouch! Time out! I think one of the plastic spikes gouged my skin.”

“At least we found the plastic mace,” said the director dryly. “Or else it would have been much worse.”

“Doesn’t get much worse than death,” returned Heinz flatly.

…

_Take Twenty_

Standing off set, two set workers were armed with orange dye and a leaf blower. The orange dye was tossed over Linda’s blonde wig, which flattened it out, and it was promptly dried with the leaf blower. On cue, the toaster made a dinging sound and nothing popped out.

The director stared. “Who. Took. Out. The. Mirror?”

Phineas grinned. “Probably the same person who took it out so he could make waffles during break.”

Purple in the face, because it had taken twenty tries to get the timing right, the director said, “I either get a name or all four of you boys are going to be cleaning out Heinz’s dressing room for a month.”

Phineas, Buford and Baljeet swung their fingers to point at Ferb. Ferb took off running.

_“Ferb!”_


	70. Doof 101 Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

“Good morning, people,” Lang greeted as he entered the classroom. “As you know, there have been some staff changes. If you'll sit down, I will introduce you to your new science teacher—”

“Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz!” cut in Heinz, sticking his head through the classroom door. The gathered group of teens immediately burst into a bout of booing. Heinz glowered at Vanessa. “Very funny.”

She stared at him with innocent eyes. “Why are you looking at me? It was Candace.”

“Candace isn’t even here!”

“Well, no, but she gave me the idea when she looked at my script.”

The director rolled his eyes. “She should probably be focussing on her own scripts rather than yours.”

…

_Take One_

“Let's start with genetics, the building blocks of life,” spoke Heinz. “Your genes determine what you will be. A turtle or a bird or, for instance...”

He approached Johnny and yanked out a strand of hair. Johnny yelped in pain. “Ow! Hey!”

“Oh, don't be a baby. You've got plenty,” said Heinz dismissively. “At least for the next ten years. Let's see genetics at work, shall we?” He walked back to the desk, but found he had accidentally dropped the hair as he went to put it in the Petri dish. “Oops. Lost the hair.”

Johnny clapped his hands over his head. “Pick someone else!”

_Take Two_

A large lizard tail had been strapped to Johnny’s waist. The gorilla features would be added in post-production. Johnny started to howl like a gorilla, pretending to transform. Vanessa started to snicker in amusement and Johnny immediately stopped making the animal noises.

“Knock it off!” he snapped. “I don’t wanna do this more than once.”

“Oh, please! Do you know how many stupid and painful things I’ve had to do for this show?” demanded Heinz. “Don’t be a wimp.”

…

“Guys, Johnny's running wild out there!” Becky cried.

“Aha!” said Heinz triumphantly.

“Dad, what are you doing?” asked Vanessa warily.

“It's one of Johnny's hairs. It's loaded with his DNA. With this, I can mix up an antidote to—”

They all turned expectantly towards the door, where Perry was supposed to be standing. But it was empty. The director sighed. “Where’s Perry?”

“I’m sorry, that line is reserved for actors only,” deadpanned Vanessa.

…

Vanessa and a group of students moved cautiously into the dark gymnasium. Vanessa opened her mouth, about to call Johnny’s name, when she was suddenly struck with a dodgeball. “Ow!”

The others cried out as they were also ambushed, guarding their faces with their arms and crouching down. Eventually the attack ceased and Vanessa glowered at Phineas, Ferb and Isabella, who were standing next to a bin of dodgeballs and grinning.

“You jerks!”

“Come on, how could we resist?” cackled Phineas.

Vanessa seized a dodgeball lying next to her feet and whipped it. It smacked Phineas right in the head and he went careening to the floor. Ferb and Isabella hastily backtracked. “We’ll be leaving now,” she chirped before the two darted off.

“Who let those two into the gym storage room?” asked the director in annoyance.

…

A chunk of netting was attached a short distance from the floor, suspended by wires from the ceiling. Vanessa hung upside down and Johnny gripped her hands.

“Are you ready?” the director asked.

“No!” they shouted.

“Good. Action!”

Holding her breath, Vanessa untangled her legs and they plummeted towards the group of extras. The teens were not prepared for the force of which the pair were falling and they all tumbled to the floor. Vanessa groaned and gingerly sat up, wrestling her legs free of Becky’s, whom she had landed on.

“Ow,” Becky said dazedly.

“You good?”

“Yeah.”

Johnny rolled over and stared at Vanessa in bafflement. “You do this stuff way more often than I do. How do you do it?”

Vanessa shrugged. “You gotta be a certain kind of crazy.”

…

The episode wrapped up for the day and the teens made their way home, getting their bags from dressing rooms, trailers and lounge spaces. Vanessa and Johnny headed for the parking lot.

“I am not doing that again,” muttered Johnny, rubbing at the bruises he had received from his hard landing during the climax of the episode.

“Eh, it wasn’t the worst fall I’ve had,” said Vanessa with a shrug.

“You know I don’t get? The bit with the bugs. What the heck is that all about?”

Vanessa grinned as she thought about the scenes in her script that featured three talking bugs, which would be created entirely in post-production, “An excuse to get some top-name guest stars, I think.”

“Why did they have to be voices? Why couldn’t they just come and do a bit part on set?”

Vanessa levelled him with a look. “Would you want to come do a bit part on this set?”

“No,” said Johnny immediately. “Being an extra is hard enough.”

“Exactly.”


	71. Live and Let Drive Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

Perry eyed the motorized chair with apprehension. He took his seat, glanced at the sides, and turned towards the director. He mimed putting on a seatbelt and the director said, “You’re only going a few feet, Perry. You don’t need a seatbelt. Everybody in place? All right, quiet on set. Annnnnd…action!”

The special effects guy hit the button on his remote. Perry’s chair roared to life and charged across the floor. Immediately understanding that the prop was going far faster than it was supposed to Perry dove off just before the chair hit the console.

Perry glared. The director rubbed the space between his eyes. “We’ll get it fixed, Perry. After I fire a certain someone.”

“Hey! It wasn’t my fault! The button got stuck!”

_Take Two_

“Greetings from—from—greetings from Italy, Agent P!”

“Nope,” said the director.

“What the heck is the place called?” asked Francis.

“Montevillebad.”

“Okay, got it.”

_Take Three_

“Greetings from Monte Cristo, Agent P!”

“That’s a sandwich!” barked the director as Perry burst into laughter. “You said you got it!”

“I forgot!”

…

“Hello again, Agent P. International intel has indicated that Doofenshmirtz is planning to sabotage Paolo Vanderbeek and enter the Grand Prix himself,” informed Francis. “So, we need you to find out what Doof is up to while Carl and I keep an eye on Vanderbeek here at the racetrack incognito. Nifty disguise, huh?”

Perry stared at Francis’ image, displayed on a small screen in the dashboard of his car. He tried to keep a straight face but he dissolved into snorts at the sight of a fake mustache attached to Francis’ real mustache.

…

“Who's next?” asked Heinz gleefully, shuffling his cards. Perry sat across from him at the casino table and opened up a pack of gum, removing a stick and popping it into his mouth. “Oh, a mysterious platypus to take my challenge. Okay—ow, ow, ow, wait, the cat’s claws are digging into my thighs!”

He frantically stood up, pulling the fluffy white cat from his lap and into his arms. He stared at the thin slash marks in the fabric of his pants. “Wardrobe emergency!”

…

_Take One_

“The mysterious platypus from the casino!” gasped Heinz. Perry slipped on his fedora and he cried, “Perry the Mysterious Platypus from the casino! Betcha tired of standing 'round, aren't you?” He pressed a button on the steering wheel of the boat and Perry found himself trapped in a stack of tires. “See? Tires. I thought it—shoot, I don’t know how to pronounce that word. Is a ‘p’ silent? Or the ‘s’?”

_Take Two_

“So, my evil plan. As you may know, the Montevillebad Grand Prix is a goodwill event with all the prize money awarded to the winner's favorite charity. So, _I_ entered the race for _my_ favorite charity, Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated...namely me! I'm the Doofenshmirtz...in Doofenshmirtz Evil...Well, you get it. And check it out!” Heinz gestured towards the monitor. “I've re-engineered my Boomshlaka 320-I to meet the Grand Prix specs. I also added some extras that should take care of, like, ninety-nine percent of the playing field. But then there's still that one percent, Paolo Vanderbeek. But, uh, I got something else to take care of him. Behold, my I-Don't-Care-Inator!”

Heinz paused for a beat, squinted his eyes in concentration, before hunching over in defeat. “There’s too many words! Why do I always get the word vomit?”

…

Stationed in various positions across the racetrack, the director spoke over the walkie-talkie, making sure everyone was in position.

“This is so stupid!” shrieked Heinz, speaking in his own walkie-talkie as he sat in his purple racecar. “When I read the script I didn’t think you’d actually put me in the race!”

“You’re going to be fine, Heinz.”

“It makes no sense! You can afford all these professional racecar drivers but you can’t get me a stunt double?”

“It’s a sponsorship, Heinz. An agreement we worked out with one of the local racing leagues.”

There was a few seconds of silence. “Wait, _they_ are paying _you_ to be in this show?”

“Something like that, yes.”

“Can I pay you to get _out_ of it?”

“No.”

…

Gripping the steering wheel tightly, Heinz’s eyes were glued to the road as his car rushed down the smooth black asphalt. He approached a sharp turn and, panicking, he slammed on the brakes.

“Heinz!” the director snapped, his voice crackling through the walkie-talkie.

“I can’t make a turn like that when I’m going forty, let alone a hundred and eighty!”

“It’s a moral mark against the driving agency that they gave you license in the first place,” said the director flatly.

“I passed my driving test fine! You know why? _They don’t have turns like this on the interstate, you jerk!_ ”

The director sighed, cutting off Heinz’s rant by turning off the walkie-talkie. “I guess I should have given him lessons.”

“You don’t learn, do you?” asked his assistant.

“Are you looking for a pay deduction?”

“That’s illegal.”

“I know,” grumbled the director. “That’s the only reason why I haven’t used it as a punishment method.”


	72. Monster From the Id Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

_Take One_

“Oooooh! Here he comes! Oh, Jeremy. How can you even make walking to a bus stop cute?” said Candace dreamily. “Yeah, I'm a lucky, lucky gal.” She watched as something fell out of Jeremy’s backpack and she furrowed her brow. “Oh no! He dropped something! Jeremy! Jeremy!”

She tried banging on the living room window to get his attention but it didn’t work. She ran outside, calling his name, but the bus was already pulling away from the curb. She whipped out her cell phone as it disappeared around the corner.

“Jeremy, you—oh, sorry.” Her cheeks flushed red. “Yeah, you too. Bye.” She hung up. “Wrong number.”

_Take Two_

Candace admired the gift Jeremy had given her, which she assumed to be a bracelet. “Oh, it’s absolutely beautiful!” She swung her arm and her eyes went wide with horror as she accidentally flung it off her wrist. “Oops! No no no no no!”

The object rolled down the street and fell through a sewer grate. Candace lowered to the asphalt and was about to stick her hand through the gap when she noticed something moving. She shrieked and scrambled backwards. “A rat! There’s a rat down there!”

…

“Eating cereal looks like this,” sang Heinz as he shoved a spoonful of cereal into his mouth, the movement mirrored by several security monitors. He jumped when Perry chattered, whirling around and smacking his hand on the button to turn off the monitors. “Perry the Platypus—”

His line was interrupted when Perry snorted, unable to keep a straight face at the sight of Heinz’s ratted boxers and open green robe. Heinz scowled. “Yeah, yeah, it’s hilarious! Get it all out of your system. I’m freezing! Can we please turn down the AC?”

“So we can boil?” asked the director. “I don’t think so.”

…

Candace squinted at the rows of art tacked to the wall in the artist’s room. “Jeremy Mountain? Phineas and Ferb as animals? Falls of Anxiety? Forest of Memory? What the heck is this?”

“Your subconscious,” said the director, who was approving the final products for post-production.

“My subconscious does not look like that.”

“Have you seen yourself when you have a fit?” asked the director. “It’s pretty darn close.”

“Who comes up with this stuff?” asked Phineas in disbelief, poking at the picture that depicted him as some sort of orange deer. “And how do they do it?”

“It’s a question that’s been asked many times and a question I am too scared to find the answer to,” replied the director.

…

“Almost ready, Perry the Platypus,” gloated Heinz. “Just a few more adjustments. I’m putting an extra ratty setting on the Underwear-Inator.”

As Heinz talked, Perry tried and failed to take a contact lens out of his eye. When Heinz ran out of lines, he looked over his shoulder to see Perry poking and prodding at his eye. “Ugh! That’s disgusting!”

Perry gave him a look that clearly said _you’re not one to talk._

Heinz scowled. “Oh, shut up. I hope you poke your eye out.”

…

_Take One_

As Phineas, Ferb, Candace and Baljeet walked across the green screen set a speaker system played a recording of Candace reciting a list of anxieties. Phineas came to a halt and said in admiration, “Wow, the Falls of Anxiety.”

“What’s that?” asked Candace.

“It is all of Candace’s anxieties,” answered Baljeet.

“There are so…many of them,” said Phineas carefully.

“She has a rich internal life,” spoke Ferb.

“Yeah, her neck _is_ too long,” said Buford with a snicker. “Must be a real pain trying to find a turtleneck that fits.”

“At least I have a neck,” sneered Candace.

Buford blinked. “Touché.”

_Take Two_

“You can’t come in here!” Candace snapped at Buford.

“It’s a free country.”

“No it’s not! It’s my head! And you’re getting crumbs all over—cru—all over—cru-cru-cru—”

“What’s wrong with her?” asked Buford.

“The anxieties are getting to her!” cried Baljeet.

“Hurry, everyone! Through the falls!” Phineas grabbed Candace’s hand and he, Ferb and Baljeet sprinted off. As they ran, they batted at invisible foes over their heads. “The Palms of Sweatiness!”

“The Harpies of Hyperventilation!” yelped Baljeet.

Off to the side, the crew readied their rubber duckies and flung them at the kids. One had too good of an aim and Candace spluttered as she was smacked full in the face. “Okay, can we please just have the rubber ducks added in post-production like everything else?”

…

“What is this, a tiny magnifying glass?” asked Heinz, studying the little circle in his hand. “Oh, you think you’re so fancy with your high-tech spy equipment.” He applied pressure but the contact lens did not crumble. “Wait, wait. Hold on. I think I almost got it.”

The director cradled his head in his hands. “This is pathetic.”

…

“Do I really have to do this?” asked Candace nervously.

“Yes,” replied the director. “It’s for the music montage. It’ll be brief.”

A zipline had been constructed from one end of the green screen set to the other. Candace stood on a platform, attached to a harness. She peeked down at the floor below with her hands gripping at the rope securing her to the zipline.

“Remember, don’t hang on to your harness. Legs straight behind you and arms straight in front of you. Look terrified.”

“Oh, trust me, that part will be easy.”

“Ready…quiet on set… _action!_ ”

Candace launched herself off the platform and went sailing down the zipline. Her screams were completely sincere, especially when she accidentally flipped herself upside down.

“Cut!” snapped the director.

“This isn’t a comfortable position!” shrieked Candace.

…

“Jeremy?” exclaimed Candace. “Wait, are you real?”

“Yeah. I stopped by your house to give you your present and Irving just told me to jack right in.”

“Your present?” said Candace in confusion. “How could you? I lost it. But I found the memory! It’s right over there.”

She pointed off into the distance and Jeremy followed her finger, pretending to see what she was gesturing at. “That? That’s not your present. That’s my drain unclogger. I don’t know why I carry that around with me.”

“So I didn’t lose your—”

A deep, rumbling roar sudden erupted through the set and a giant, holographic form of a monstrous Candace appeared before them. They all screamed and started to scatter before logic caught up to them and they realized it was just special effects.

Jeremy clapped a hand over his heart. “What the heck was that?” he rasped.

“The id,” replied the director.

“That was not in the script!” accused Baljeet.

“Well, no. I wanted a genuine reaction. It’s difficult to be scared when there’s nothing but green screen.”

Candace was hunched over, her heart racing in her chest. “I hate you. I hate you so much.”

“I know.”


	73. Let's Bounce Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Phineas and Ferb were bouncing on a small trampoline with Perry. “Hey Ferb, wouldn't it be great if there were trampolines everywhere you went?” asked Phineas.

The harness strapped to Ferb’s torso went taunt, keeping the boy in the air as Phineas kept bouncing. Ferb was distracted from saying his line by a shout. He turned his head to see Buford barrelling across the set and making a massive leap for the trampoline. Phineas had no time to react and, when Buford landed, was sent flying to the floor from the sheer force of Buford’s jump.

“Nice,” said Ferb, high-fiving the burly boy.

“You literally knocked the wind out of me,” wheezed Phineas, struggling to stand.

“All in a day’s work,” said Buford with a snicker.

…

“Doofenshmirtz was spotted this morning leaving his building with a shopping list,” spoke Francis. “On the list were four items: eggs, vitamins, ice and leeks. Innocent enough until—”

Perry chuckled, cutting off Francis’ line. He pointed at the screen and the director squinted at the grocery list displayed next to Francis’ face. “Eggs, leeks, ice, vitamins,” he read aloud. “Seriously? Does that look like it spells evil? Who wrote this list?”

…

_Take One_

“Morning, hon,” greeted Linda.

“Mmm, that smells good,” said Candace as she walked by the stove, where Linda was cooking frittata. “I’ll get the plates out.”

“Well, put out ten, because I was talking to Jeremy’s mom—” A chunk of frittata fell over the edge of the pan and to the floor. “Oh shoot,” grumbled Linda.

Candace raised a brow. “We’re not serving them that, are we?”

“Oh, shush.”

_Take Two_

“No big deal?” cried Candace. “I'm Jeremy's girlfriend! We have to make a good impression! Breakfast is easy! This is brunch! Brunch! That's so fancy! Mom, what does this frittata say about us as a family?”

“There's nothing wrong with my frittata,” protested Linda.

“And frozen orange juice? Really?” Candace tried dumping the mixture into the pitcher of cold water but it stayed stuck in the can. She gave a few hard shakes before admitting defeat. “We’re probably gonna need to thaw this out for a little bit longer.”

…

Candace was trussed up in wires, which would keep her in the air as if gravity didn’t affect her. “Are you ready?” the director asked.

“Not really.”

“Everyone in position…and… _action!_ ”

Candace pretended she had just been hit with a ray from the machine. The harness flipped her upside-down and sent her flying upwards. She grabbed the branches of the tree and held on tight. As she went through her lines the director noticed her face turn a shade of green.

“Cut!” he called. “Someone get her down before she’s sick all over my set.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have had a large breakfast this morning,” groaned Candace.

…

Buford regarded the airborne trampolines with a teary eye. “It’s beautiful.”

“Buford? You are crying!” observed Baljeet.

Buford swiped at the tear and stuck it on Baljeet’s face. He accidentally jabbed him in the eye and Baljeet yelped. “Ow! You did that on purpose!”

“I did not. But I’m not sorry it happened.”

…

_Take One_

_“They lie to feel important, about all the books that they've read!”_

Heinz kicked off the floor and sent the book ladder sailing down the shelf. He wasn’t able to keep his balance and he went sprawling. “Not my fault! These slippers have no grip!”

_Take Two_

_“Yes, everyone says it's all right, and I don't want to start a fight—”_

Perry was unable to keep a straight face at Heinz’s slicked back hair and poofy pants. He broke into chuckles. Heinz stopped singing and the soundtrack cut out. Huffing out an annoyed breath, Heinz put his hand on his hip. “I think I look snazzy,” he said with a sniff.

…

“Candace, will you pour the OJ?” asked Linda.

“Sure, Mom.” Candace searched through the kitchen drawers, muttering, “There’s got to be something heavy in here.”

She found a wrench and she shoved it into her sock. She grabbed the orange juice and wobbled her way towards the kitchen table. “OJ, did you know that— _ow!_ Wrench is pinching my skin, it’s pinching my skin!”

…

The trampolines were suspended above a thick layer of mats. The kids bounced from one trampoline to the next, laughing and giggling. Positioned on a trampoline above Isabella, Buford hollered, “Geronimo!” 

He launched himself at Isabella’s trampoline and made a direct hit. The girl screamed as she was sent flying. She landed with a solid thud on the crash mats and she shrieked, “I’m going to kill you!”

“Got another one!” whooped Buford.

“Can you please stop trying to inflict bodily harm on your fellow actors?” demanded the director.

…

“It is all together fitting and proper that I must destroy Doofenshmirtz,” said Abe Robot.

“No!” shrieked Heinz, running away from the malfunctioning robot. “Get back!”

“Must destroy Doofenshmirtz.”

Heinz took cover behind Perry. “He’s gonna John Wilkes my Booth—aha ha ha ha ha.” He hunched over, giggling helplessly. “Man, that’s good. I like that one.”

The director rolled his eyes. “I couldn’t tell.”

…

Candace shrieked as her legs lifted up from under her, flipping her upside-down. She seized onto the edge of the table. “Ahh! Just doin' a little yoga stretching to help this digestion, yep _._ ”

Jeremy tried to hide his grin behind his hand but the director caught him. “Jeremy!”

“I’m sorry! Can I try that thing out after the scene is done?”

“Only if you nail the next take.”

…

“Perry the Platypus, do something! He's going to emancipate my proclamation— _ha ha ha ha!_ ”

“Heinz!”


	74. Buford Confidential Bloopers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Candace lounged against the couch, a half dozen fans aimed at her body and whirring at full speed. “So I said, ‘You're not getting me up into the mountains on a day like this,’” she spoke into her cell phone. “I'm staying right—”

The electricity cut off and the fans powered down, the blades slowly coming to a halt. Candace lowered her phone and glanced around the darkened set. “Okay, is this a quick fix? If not, I’m going to my trailer where the air-conditioning still works.”

“Five seconds,” said the director in disbelief. “I only needed you for a five-second scene.”

“Hey, this isn’t my fault!”

…

_Take One_

“Thanks for letting us host the French Fireside Girls at your cabin, Mr. and Mrs. Flynn,” chirped Isabella. “This'll be a great place for them to get their North American Tracking patches.”

“What did I do again?” asked Clyde.

“The French Fireside Girls, or _le—_ ” Phineas faltered. “Shoot.”

Isabella buried her head in her hands. “We’re gonna be here forever.”

_Take Two_

“The French Fireside Girls, or _le fillies du_ —okay, no, no, I got it.”

_Take Three_

“The French Fireside Girls, or _le filles au_ coin—”

“ _Coin._ Not coin. Different pronunciations,” interjected the director.

“Why do you bother giving us lines in other languages?” asked Ferb. “You know it never goes well.”

“Your characters are supposed to be geniuses,” returned the director. “You’ve managed to pretend pretty well thus far. Phineas, you spent almost two hours going over the line with our French speaker yesterday.”

“Yeah, that was yesterday!” protested Phineas.

“Seriously, what were you expecting?” asked Isabella in amusement.

“Too much, as always,” grumbled the director.

_Take Six_

“The French Fireside Girls, or _le filles au coin du fa-fa-_ aagh!”

Ferb checked his watch. “You might as well tell Clyde and Betty Jo to go home. We’re not gonna need them for the rest of today.”

“Shut up, I’ve almost got it!”

_Take Seven_

“The French Fireside Girls, or _le filles au coin du feu_ , as they are known in their country of origin—”

“Too slow, Phineas,” interrupted the director.

Phineas smacked his hand against his knee. “Why does French have to be such a fast-spoken language?”

_Take Ten_

“They’re here!” said Isabella excitedly as a van pulled up to the cabin. “The French Fireside Girls! Or _le filles au coin du feu,_ as they’re known in their country of origin.”

Ferb broke into laughter as Phineas gaped at her. “How did you do that?!”

Isabella grinned smugly. “Five years of professional French language classes. Boom!”

“That is so not fair!”

_Take Eleven_

“ _Le filles au coin du feu,_ to earn your American Tracking Patch, you'll have to capture the most dangerous of creatures, the vicious American—” Isabella threw up the tarp to reveal an empty cage. “Huh.”

“Oh, for the love—someone go find Buford!” snapped the director.

…

Perry slid his way inside a log, where a small tablet was set up. “Good morning Agent P,” Francis greeted. “I'd tell you what Doofenshmirtz is up to but the screen isn't big enough for the little box thingy over my shoulder, but I'm sure you'll figure it out when you get there. Good luck Agent P.”

The platypus tried to wiggle his way backwards but found himself stuck. He gave an annoyed chatter and Francis shuddered. “I’d hate to be you right now. Covered in worms and spiders—ugh.”

Perry stared blankly at him. He opened his beak and pointedly ate the worm dangling from his hat.

Francis gagged. “Oh my gosh. Perry!”

…

“Of all the clearings, of all the woods, in all the world, she had to walk into mine,” Buford groused as he ran. His phone trilled and he dug it out of his bear suit. “Tell me she was deported!”

Baljeet burst into shocked laughter. “Buford! That is not the line!”

“I know, but I like it better.”

“Me too,” said the director, impressed. “Nice one, Buford.”

“Eh, I’m a comedic genius,” said Buford with a smirk.

…

“Take a rest!” cackled Heinz. “I figured you'd be exhausted after breaking all those doors. I even put a mint on your pillow and everything, though I guess it's probably just stuck to the back of your head now. Sorry about that. So, let's talk about pretzels. You see Perry the Platypus, when I was younger, did a summer internship at—” His face went blank. “Some pretzel place. I don’t remember the name.”

“You forget the weirdest things,” muttered the director.

“I’ve got paragraphs of dialogue!” protested Heinz. “And the smallest details are the hardest to remember! I’d like to see you do it!” He paused, thought it over and said, “You know what, never mind. You’d find a way to show me up out of pure spite.”

…

Baljeet, Phineas and Ferb were dressed in their swim trunks. Snorkel masks were affixed firmly to their faces and oxygen tanks were strapped to their backs. The director made his final round, ensuring the underwater cameras were in place.

“We’re all set,” announced the director. “Get their tanks turned on.”

An equipment specialist activated Phineas and Ferb’s tanks. When he got to Baljeet, he raised a brow and said, “Uh…you might wanna give him a tank that actually has oxygen in it. This is empty.”

“You are trying to kill me!” shrieked Baljeet.

…

Phineas, Ferb, Isabella and Baljeet stood off to the side with their phones raised. Buford stood stiffly in the forest clearing, wearing a reindeer costume and attached to a sled that contained Santa Claus. He gritted his teeth.

“I hate you all.”

“I just want to make sure I remember this moment even when our show goes out of syndication,” said Phineas with a wide grin.

…

“Fireside Girls, goggles on,” instructed Brigitte.

Isabella, Brigitte, Collette and Josette strapped on their blue goggles. They immediately felt something wet around their eyes and yanked the goggles off to investigate. Brigitte gingerly touched the black ink staining her skin.

“What iz zis?”

Buford’s cackling could be heard across the water. Isabella scowled. “Buford! This better come off!”

“And he was so charming on our first day together,” said Brigitte.

Isabella snorted. “Yeah, Boss gave him a detailed explanation on what would happen if he scared you away on day one. I assure you, the effort nearly killed him.”

…

“Oh, Buford, you silly boy,” said Brigitte with a shake of her head. “I'm a well-bred, refined European. I would never let the Fireside Girls know that I was vaguely interested in a brute such as you. In fact…”

Buford grunted as she smacked him across the face. “Hey! That wasn’t in the script!”

“It was,” said Isabella with a grin. “But I took it out. Surprise!”

“And now you’re going to have to do it again,” said the director pointedly. “From the top.”

“What? Dang it, Isabella!”


End file.
